Thursday, December 24, 2009

Day 813 - Holiday Newsletter Conclusion

The Ichikawa Holiday Newsletter
By Stephen King

“Dat is wight,” said Crazy Grandma. “Since we have failed az pawents of Scotty and Annie, we see An-doo an Emma az our salvashun. Every day when we babysit dem, we taught dem to poison your watah bottles wid psychotic drugs. Dat way you wood be unfit parents and we can take kids. Un-four-too-knat-ree, I no know you no drink watah so our plan fail.”

“That’s right,” answered Lisa. “I only drink vodka and gin.” For once, Lisa’s alcoholism saved the family.

Scott and Lisa grabbed the kids and hid in the bathroom. Scott locked the door and shoved as many things against the door for protection. But Crazy Grandma began stabbing the door with her Swifter pole. She broke through.

“Heeeeeere’s Craaaaazy!” said Grandma peeking through the door. As she entered, the Diaper Champ on top of the door tipped and spilled all of its contents on top of Crazy and Lazy.

Crazy Grandma has a severe case of eczema. All of the urine, feces, and diaper chemicals began to eat through her skin. As for Lazy Grandpa, he just stood in the stench because, well, he’s lazy. The smell of the room caused a chain reaction of puking. Scott, Lisa, Emma, and Andrew crawled out of the bathroom to safety.

At the reading of the will, Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa had actually won millions of dollars at the Indian casinos, but chose to keep it a secret. With Scott’s inheritance, he decided to pack it up and take the family out of the country.

Scott remembered his friend, Andy, gave him an open invitation to visit him in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. With winters being a chilly reminder of excrement and eczema, this would be the perfect escape. So the Ichikawas once again packed their bags and moved to tropical Mexico…where they would never have to endure another cold winter.


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