Day 791 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 790 - Rest in Pieces

A few months ago, I posted our sofa on Craigslist. Despite my honesty about the sofa being in satisfactory condition with assorted baby stains (i.e. breast milk and baby feces), I got a few emails showing interest. But after talking with Lisa, we both decided we were better off holding onto our sofa and postpone another purchase for the time being.

Well, the time being might've arrived because our sofa is near death. If our sofa was a human being, then Emma and Andrew are soccer players who survived a plane crash on the Andes and are consuming the sofa to its bones.

The little holes on the sofa have become large holes because the kids find it entertaining to dig their toddler fingers into the guts of the sofa. I don't know what Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa are doing when the kids are fabric raping the sofa, but they certainly don't seem too concerned about it.

Crazy Grandma says, "We try to stop dem, but dey too fast. We old. What you expect?"

And Lazy Grandpa says, "What channel is ESPN on?"

Here are a few pictures of our tattered sofa. If you have any young sofas around, you may want to use caution before you look at these pictures.

This cushion used to be face-up, but once the kids started tearing it apart we had to turn it upside down. I've done this same trick of hiding fabric holes with some of my old underwear.

This is the largest hole on our sofa. It's probably about four inches long, and Lisa said she has never seen anything longer than that in her entire life. sigh...

I think we might start to look for another sofa over the holidays. Although we don't want to spend too much money on a piece of furniture that will eventually get trashed again, Lisa and I have made a list of requirements for the sofa: 1) Cushions should have replaceable slipcovers. 2) The arms of the sofa should be padded. 3) And most importantly, the fabric needs to be urine-proof, poop-proof, booger-proof, drool-proof, and fire-proof (the kids love to play with matches).

Day 789 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked what the kids should be thankful for. Seventy-two percent thought the kids should be thankful for their family -- something I hope Emma and Andrew will remember when they go through their unruly teenage years. Eighteen percent thought the kids should be thankful for this blog, and a surprising nine percent thought the kids should be thankful for me. So to the one person who voted for me, I tell you this: you must have a serious drinking problem and I beg you to seek help.

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With Thanksgiving behind us (Literally! Look at my fat butt!), we only have one more stressful holiday to close out the year. Lisa and I are almost halfway through our holiday shopping, but still have a lot more to do. In terms of the number of family members we need to get gifts for, Lisa's side of the family is much larger than mine. And as for the number of friends, once again Lisa's list outnumbers mine. But then again, it's not too difficult to outnumber zero.

Lisa and I haven't decided what to buy Emma and Andrew for Christmas. Throughout the year, we end up buying them little toys here and there so they are never in need of something new. Also, our family and friends are very generous so the kids will be getting more than enough toys, books, clothes, and fruitcake to last them for months.

So I started to think whether or not we need to shower Emma and Andrew with holiday gifts. We will of course give them presents to open, but maybe there's not an immediate need to stress over their gifts right now. We could wait to see what they don't get and then buy those toys after Christmas. What do you think?

Day 788 - Eat, Shoots, Leaves & Bad Captions

I think it is evident from my blog that my mind is often warped and quite peculiar. I see the world differently from others mostly because I tend to see the bizarreness in people and situations...and I also have a bad astigmatism. But even I have my limits...

Case in point: the picture to your right. Or if you're reading this in a mirror: the picture to your left. This is a photo from last week's Picture Friday. The caption I posted was: Andrew recreates how a pantless Daddy snuck up behind Mommy and forced her on a first date.

My intention with the caption was that the only way a pathetic person like myself would be able to get anyone to go on a date with me was to grab them and force them on a date. Even to this day, I still have a problem getting Lisa to go out on a date. I have even tried the pantless approach and still nada.

As I was checking my email today, I received some upset comments about the picture caption:

I know you joke a lot and have a twisted sense of humor, but I found the caption on picture #2 very disturbing and NOT funny at all. -- Anonymous I agree. You finally went over the edge Mr Ichikawa. -- Anonymous Go for it Scott! Get rid of that nastiness! -- Anonymous

Me no rikey Crazy Grandma Dance! Blahblahblah! Grrgrr! -- Crazy Grandma

I was racking my brain trying to figure out what catalyzed this strong response to a picture caption. Since I've been so disgusting and inappropriate on many other occasions, I wasn't too sure why people were suddenly going Crazy Grandma on my ass. But then I realized...

...the combination of the word "force", the position Emma and Andrew were in, and the lecherous expression on Andrew's face made me realize that people were interpreting the picture to mean...um...well. Even I find it too tasteless to mention. Let's just say that people thought Emma and Andrew were doing something that Lisa and I haven't done for the past seven months.

Needless to say that was not what I was implying. I guess I better be more careful with the way I phrase my captions the next time since it seems as if readers of this blog know me for what I am: a shameless huckster of bad jokes, innuendos, and cheap laughs. Luckily enough for me, all characteristics Lisa was looking for in a husband.

Day 787 - The Crazy Grandma Dance

Something that has been a revelation to me about the kids is that they are at a point -- for better or worse -- where they will copy almost anything you ask them to do. If you ask them to say a word, they'll try to say it. If you ask them to tickle someone, they'll tickle them. If you ask them to hunt down a bully from 3rd grade that has been on your mind for the past 25 years, they'll hunt that bastard down.

Recently, I've been teaching the kids to do silly dances. I have taught them to do the "Mommy Dance." Since Lisa trips over things easily, the "Mommy Dance" is basically walking and then falling to the ground. The "Grandpa Dance" is pretending to use the remote control and then falling asleep. But the highlight is definitely the "Crazy Grandma Dance."

Crazy Grandma is known for nagging and grunting in frustration. So the "Crazy Grandma Dance" is saying "Blahblahblah" followed by grunting. Here are Emma and Andrew performing the "Crazy Grandma Dance":



The dance was such a hit that this inspired Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) to compose a little dance mix of the "Crazy Grandma Dance." Please note that the voice sampling is done by the actual Crazy Grandma nagging and grunting.

Day 786 - Picture Friday

Auntie Anne makes the kids into musubi babies.

Andrew recreates how a pantless Daddy snuck up behind Mommy and forced her on a first date.

"Crap," bemoans Crazy Grandma. "I got another damn baby to take care of now."

Sometimes you need to be creative to shut a kid up.

What you don't see in this picture is Andrew on the other side of the crib trying to crush Emma.

Have a great weekend!

Day 785 - Happy Thanksgiving

The time of the year has come again when we give thanks for all we have by overeating, complaining about our health, and sitting on our asses the entire day watching parades and football. Happy Thanksgiving!

Our day started off watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade with the kids. Emma and Andrew took quite a bit of interest watching the festive floats, marching bands, and gigantic balloons. What shocked me was how many balloon characters they recognized by name. They knew Mickey Mouse, Hello Kitty, and Kermit the Frog. I thought the size of the balloons might've scared the kids, but the only thing they ended up being scared of was Al Roker.

For the past two years since the kids were born, we ordered the Thanksgiving Box Feast at Marie Callender's. The turkey has always been pretty tasty, but the sides have always been a little disappointing. So this year, we only ordered the turkey and a pumpkin pie; we decided to cook everything else.

When we thought about it, the sides for Thanksgiving are not very difficult to make. We made sweet potato casserole, garlic mashed potatoes, string beans, oven-roasted corn on the cob, stuffing, and rice. That's right. I said rice. America has Miracle Whip, and the Ichikawas have rice. Live with it.

Since the kids have grown accustomed to eating food that we eat (i.e. fried foods, fatty foods, and more fried foods), it was the first Thanksgiving since they were born that we were all able to eat together at the same time as a family. Emma and Andrew really enjoyed their dinner, and everything went smoothly except for one thing.

While Emma was eating her dinner, she wiped her face and something went up her nose: a piece of corn. At first it was pretty funny, and Emma didn't seem to be too bothered by it. The corn was still sticking out so I thought it would be pretty easy to pull out. It wasn't.

Each time I grabbed the piece of corn, it went up a little farther up her nose. I started to panic. I tried to massage the corn down her nostril. I also plugged her other nostril and asked Emma to blow which was a bit of a disaster because she ended up spitting food on me. To make matters worse, everyone was telling me what to do.

"Get tweezers," shouted Lisa.

"Don't use your fingers," shouted Crazy Grandma.

"Tell her blow into kleenex," shouted Auntie Anne (pretzel maven).

"Where's the remote control," shouted Lazy Grandpa.

Through a combination of nostril massage and finger manipulation, I was able to get the piece of corn out of Emma's nose. Thankfully, Emma did not cry or whine even once. This whole episode was especially embarrassing for me because I've had a lot of practice picking my nose so I felt like I let people down.

And with that, our Thanksgiving was over. I hope you had a great holiday, and hope it wasn't as corny as ours.

"Dude...we got fat."