Thursday, July 31, 2008

Day 312 - Fisher Price My First Earthquake

This past Tuesday, Los Angeles experienced a 5.4 magnitude earthquake. The epicenter was near Chino Hills, and afterwards there were up to 50 aftershocks; there were no major injuries.

I was at work in our kitchen about to pull out a bottled water (okay fine, it was a bottle of vodka). And then the entire building began to shake. My usual first instinct is to stay still and see whether or not I need to run away. This has also been my first instinct on many a first dates as my date began to undress. The earthquake probably went on for a good ten seconds or so, and then the building was quiet.

After the quake, I don't understand why people feel the need to ask the following question: Did you feel that? I think earthquakes are the only natural disaster where people ask stupid questions afterwards. After a hurricane you don't hear people asking "Did you get wet?" Or after a fire, "Are you hot?" Or after a beheading, "Do you have a headache?"

When I got back to my office, I called home. And guess what I asked Lisa? Yup! I asked, "Did you feel that?" And of course Lisa did...and she called me a dumbass.

I asked Lisa what happened with the kids. Lisa told me that when the earthquake hit, she was holding Andrew in her arms. So she immediately took shelter under a doorway and was hoping that the earthquake wasn't going to be a big one.* But then Lisa realized something...we have another kid! Poor Emma was in the middle of the room just playing with her toy blocks. Lisa went to grab Emma with her free arm and returned under the doorway.**

Once the quake ended, Lisa said she explained to Emma and Andrew all about tectonic plates and how they cause the ground to shake. In response to Lisa's informative lecture, Emma drooled on the carpet and Andrew pooped in his pants. Sadly this is the same reaction Lisa receives from her students at school.

So there you have it. Emma and Andrew survived their first earthquake. Now that it has past I feel that there are probably a lot of things I should probably do around our house to make sure items are earthquake-safe. Oh crap! What am I saying? Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan might read this and start commenting on how I need to show pictures on the next blog entry as proof! I take it all back! There was no earthquake! Better yet, we have no kids!

*Actually, the safest place during an earthquake is underneath a table or desk, not a doorway. So this error could've put our kids at danger.

**Once again, Lisa put our kids in danger. What's the number for social services? I know I have it on speed dial...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day 310 - Losing Sleep

I had a terrible sleep last night. I kept getting waked up by that damn girl of mine. And by 'that damn girl' I'm referring to my damn wife, Lisa.

Last night, Lisa kept on getting out of bed because she couldn't sleep. At first, she got out of bed to take a dump. But it took a really long time for her to return to bed. So I shouted from my bed, "Are you alright in there?" And Lisa shouted something back that was a little garbled, but I think it was something along the lines of "Nothing has poked out yet!"

The next time she got out of bed, she went to make herself a cup of tea. I heard all of the sounds associated with making tea from the bedroom: the cabinet opening to grab a cup; the faucet filling the cup with water; the microwave oven heating the water; Lisa dropping the cup on the floor because it was too hot; the cup shards puncturing Lisa's foot; the paramedics entering to stop the bleeding; and Lisa making out with the paramedics on our sofa. You know, typical stuff.

She woke up another time and went into the living room. Time past, and I didn't know what she was doing. Perhaps a paramedic was still there? So I shouted from my bed once again, "Are you alright in there?" I hoped she wasn't pooping in the living room. Lisa came into the bedroom and told me she couldn't sleep so she was just watching television.

I asked her why she couldn't sleep. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have asked such a loaded question because I was very tired and wanted to go back to sleep. But I got the answer -- several answers actually. Several long answers. Several long, detailed answers.

But the one answer that pertained to the subject of the blog was this: the 1st birthday party. Remember how I did a recent blog about 1st birthday parties and how Lisa and I both felt that there's no reason to go overboard? Well I'm grabbing my life jacket right now and ready to jump.

It seems as if Lisa is getting sucked into this whole 1st birthday party phenomenon. I tried to explain to her that it's like throwing a birthday party for someone who has Alzheimer's (or as Grandma Ichikawa says "oldstimers"). There's no reason to lose sleep over it when it's still two months away, but Lisa explained that we need to think of a theme and she wants to make the invitations. The theme I suggested was "Don't Bother Coming" and they would R.S.V.P. to 1-800-GO-2-HELL. I thought that was a pretty funny response at 4:30am in the morning, but not to crabby pants Lisa.

My new position on all of this birthday party crap is to just go along for the ride. If Lisa wants to throw a nice little party, so be it. It only happens once, or in our case, twice at once. Personally, I'm for the less is more/nothing is everything stance. I'm sure I will continue to update this blog over the next few months with birthday planning details. Wish me luck on getting more sleep tonight, although Lisa lying in bed with a Martha Stewart magazine and a Red Bull doesn't put me at ease.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Day 309 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked what we should do about Emma's feeding fussiness. And for the first time, we have a three way tie between being patient, being accommodating, and being a connoisseur. Since I'm too lazy to do a run-off and I have no idea how to compromise the three suggestions, I'm going to go with my own gut instinct that I think is a winner: Don't feed Emma. Wish me luck!


Many friends and parents we talk to seem to take their kids to Gymboree or Mommy & Me classes. As for us, we take our kids to Target and Costco. When I was a baby, I don't believe I went to any classes until my mom put me into preschool. Then again, I was a hideous baby and my parents didn't want to take me out in public.

Lisa and I never really thought too much about these baby classes. Our friends have babies so there's not a shortage of future playmates. And our kids do have each other so they'll never be lonely. So do you think it's important for babies to attend these types of activities? Or maybe is it more for parents to talk and socialize?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Day 308 - Random Picture

This past weekend, we went to the West Los Angeles obon festival with friends. And my dear white friends, please do not confuse 'obon' with 'udon.' 'Udon' is a noodle while an obon festival is a...umm...err. To my dear yellow friends, could any one help me out here and explain to me what exactly an obon festival is?

An obon festival is actually a Buddhist celebration of ones ancestors. It's like a family reunion holiday except without the obscene drunkenness and wife beating. We save that behavior for Valentine's Day.

I was in this long line to get this freshly baked Japanese pastry called imagawa yaki. It loosely translates into "wait in long line pastry." Andrew was in my arms this entire time. He was being well-behaved and had enough things surrounding him to occupy his time.

As I neared the counter, this quite pregnant woman approached me. Out of habit I immediately blurted out, "I don't know you and I want a DNA test." Fortunately, all she wanted to do was take a picture of Andrew. I said sure, she took a picture, and that was that.

At first I thought that it was kinda cute that this woman wanted to take a picture of Andrew. But now that a few days has past, I think that this is the most random thing. I tried to rationalize that maybe it's a hobby of hers to take pictures of cute things. But that made no sense because she didn't ask to take a picture of me.

I'm not freaked out that this pregnant woman is some sort of deviant or works for an Asian baby black market. I just don't understand why someone would want to take a picture of a random baby. Go google "cute baby" and go wild with your photo printer at home. But make sure your SafeSearch is on and you don't do any typos. I had my SafeSearch off and accidentally typed "cute ab." Whoops!

Pictures are used to create permanent memories, and for some odd reason this lady wanted a permanent memory of Andrew. I suppose the best thing to do is to take it as a compliment. And who knows, if there is a demand for more cute Asian babies...I guess I'll just have to talk to Lisa and explain how I must share my seed with the world. I'm sure she'll be fine with that.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Day 307 - No! Andrew! Don't!

We love our kids as much as any other parent. But for those of you who aren't yet parents, there will be times when that love disappears and is replaced with deep, deep annoyance. A type of annoyance that may cause you to say in your head, "God d*^# Andrew! Why the f*&% are you being such a s*$(?" Of course I would never think such thoughts...I say them out loud.

You see, Andrew's curiosity gets the best of us. He crawls from place to place pulling things off shelves and tables. He doesn't know how to touch things gently, he only knows how to swat. On a good day, we'll still have band-aids left in our first aid box.

Earlier this week, Lisa took a bunch of pictures that show how Andrew just loves to get around. I put them together into a little video for you to get a sense of how much of a troublemaker this kid could turn out to be.

Excuse me for making this entry so short, but Andrew is about to light Emma on fire. ANDREW! DON'T!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Day 306 - Picture Friday

"Andrew! This has got to be the most expensive Diaper Genie ever!"

"Missing cream puff? Don't know nuttin' about it."

Two questions: Why is there blood on your hands, and why is Grandma under the rug?"

"Dad's home? If he finds out I've been cross-dressing again I'll be in a heap of trouble!"

"I don't hear a pulse!"

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Day 305 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

It's time for another entry of Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime.

Practically every other day, I set up the laptop computer so my parents can see the kids via the good old iChat. The kids get rather excited when they chat with Grandma and Grandpa. Although I'm not 100% sure they are actually excited to video chat because the excitement the kids show is the same reaction they get when I open the fridge.

It's pretty funny to experience the video chat with my parent and the kids. It usually starts out with my dad shouting to my mom "It's on!" and only seeing half of his head. Then my mom enters the frame coming from doing one of two things: cooking or washing her hands.

The kids always want to touch the laptop so we try to create a barrier. What we have done recently is place the laptop on the sofa and then place ottomans in front of the sofa so the kids can't slap the computer. And if that doesn't work, I slap the kids.

During this past video chat, Emma was fascinated with the ottomans. Primarily the space between them. My mom was getting annoyed that Emma was paying more attention to the ottomans than her energetic retelling of twinkly stars.

"EMMA! Look at GRANDMA!"

Emma continued to stare at the ottoman.

"Scotty! What Emma dooooing? Rook Emma! Twinkle twinkle rittle stahr! Emma!"

I told my mom that Emma was just looking at the ottomans.

"Why she do dat for? Rook at Grandma! Em-maaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

I restated to my mom that for some reason Emma was staring at the space between the ottomans.

"Boy, Emma sure likes crack."

AND that's it for this edition of Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Day 303 - 10 Month Old/8 Year Anniversary

Yesterday, Emma & Andrew turned 10 months old. They celebrated their monthly birthday as they always do: full of ignorance and innocence with a stuffed bear at their side. It is getting more difficult to take pictures of them on the floor next to the bears because they are both moving around so much. If this continues, I may have to replace the teddy bears with grizzly bears to keep the kids down.

Now that the kids are older, I think there are times that Emma and Andrew look alike. Not from all angles, but certain ones from the side. And unfortunately for Andrew, there are sadly some angles from the waist down that may confuse him for Emma (or is that an insult for Emma?).

Lisa is now beginning to brainstorm about the kids' first birthday party. I'm not too sure I'm liking what I'm hearing, but let's just say Daddy's not going to be getting the new LCD bedroom television any time soon. I won't go into it much more, but I have a feeling I'm going to have plenty to write about in the next few months.

And today is another special day: it's our eighth wedding anniversary. Can you believe it was eight years ago when Lisa and I took our sacred wedding vows, and then I got drunk at the wedding and slept with the entire bridal party (yes, the groomsmen too). Every year, we buy each other an anniversary gift; this year the theme is bronze or appliances. Lisa gave me a bronze picture frame and a new fancy flip-it waffle griddle.

I won a waffle griddle and a bronze picture frame!

And here's what I gave Lisa:

I know what you're thinking. "Was Scott a lazy bastard and forgot to give Lisa a gift?" No, you jumping-to-conclusion crackhead. Lisa is wearing her gift. I got her a tube of bronzer. Doesn't Lisa look great? And if you believe that, then she is also holding an invisible panini grill. Happy Anniversary Lisa!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Day 302 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked whether or not we should allow our kids to watch no television, a little television, or as much television as they can handle. The results were a tie between none and some (46% to 46%). The remaining 8% of you were too busy watching "So You Think You Can Dance" to vote on the poll.

I did a little research on this whole television topic, and found that the American Academy of Pediatrics has this stance: Until more research is done about the effects of TV on very young children, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) does not recommend television for children age 2 or younger. A quick summation of their reasoning is that the first two years of life is very important in social and mental development and why waste it lethargically in front of the television set.

Conversely, the American Academy of Parents With Multiple Children believes: Since much research is still needed to study the effects of television viewing by infants, we say screw the AAP and their conclusions. The AAP is probably made up of a bunch of single and barren scientists who wouldn't know a diaper from a diaphragm. I'm turning on Pulp Fiction and taking a nap.


Something funny has been going on with Emma the past week: She hasn't been eating much! She's not sick, but she has been very fussy during certain meals. For instance, she'll drink all of her bottle and eat breakfast and lunch, but at dinner she just won't want to eat. She'll swat the spoon away and keep her mouth shut. Sometimes we'll give her a bath or just let her play and then try to feed again. But she'll start to cry and not want to eat. I hope she's not doing a Tracy Gold on us!

Remember, it's not like she has decided to stop eating all together. The problem we're having with her is that she may not want to eat food at one meal. Is this something to be concerned about? Should we force her to eat? Or just let her eat when she gets hungry?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Day 301 - The In-Laws Visit

From July 16 through July 20th, Grandma Ichinaga and Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan visited I Am So Happy To Have Help Around the House Lisa and I Guess I Can't Fart in the Living Room For the Next Five Days Scott.

The first day they arrived, I immediately got grilled by Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan about the baby-safeness of our place. And when I say immediate, it really was pretty immediate. Look at this time line that was done by our live-in stenographer:

8:15pm Scott arrives home from a long day at work.
8:16pm Scott says hello to the Ichinagas.
8:17pm Scott begins to play with Emma and Andrew.
8:17 pm and 1 second Auntie Susan asks Scott, "Is that dvd cabinet fastened to the wall?
8:17pm and 7 seconds Scott answers, "Yes."
8:17pm and 10 seconds Auntie Susan asks Scott, "Are you suuuure?"
8:17pm and 40 seconds Uncomfortable silence.
8:17pm and 41 seconds Scott answers, "...yes..."

Good thing I got the place baby-safe, right?

Susan and Grandma Ichinaga pretty much just stayed home the entire time to spend time with the kids. They were doing fun stuff like changing diapers, feeding apple sauce, and putting the kids to bed before sunset. And after they were done, I would do the same thing for Grandma Ichinaga.

Timing-wise, it was fortunate they were visiting this past weekend because there were three events we were able to celebrate: 1) our wedding anniversary (which is officially on July 22nd); 2) the "Californication" wrap party; and 3) "The Dark Knight" opening weekend! I must say that if there was one thing I would love to do again, it would be to see "The Dark Knight". But a very close second would be to get remarried.

Since Grandma Ichinaga knows I do this blog every day, she is very careful when she visits. She doesn't want to be featured on this blog at all. Consequently, she was well-behaved and did not do anything to embarrass herself. Unless you count sunbathing topless on our patio embarrassing, but she takes great pride with her body.

The next time we see Grandma Ichinaga and Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan will be in early September when our nephew Kevin marries his fiancee, Shelvey. All I can say about that is I hope the reception hall will be baby-proofed as well as our place or else that wedding planner will have some 'splaining to do.

Here are some pictures from the weekend:

Auntie Susan finally relents and gives Andrew a bottle after the natural way failed.

Once again, Grandma Ichinaga gets confused between the mouth and the nose.

"Why do we have to dress up when they visit?!?"

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Day 300 - Emma Crawls!

That's right. After months and weeks of staying absolutely still in one place, Emma dusted herself off and decided to crawl. Lisa said Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan was coaching her for the past few days. Being a nurse, Auntie Susan had some tricks up her sleeve to encourage crawling. She would try leg and arm exercises with Emma, and have Emma push her legs against a solid object to move forward. But after none of that work, intimidation and torture finally won the day (That Auntie Susan can be one tough cookie!).

Supposedly, there are many different ways that babies learn to crawl. For instance, Andrew learned to move by doing the military crawl on his stomach. In Emma's case, there was never really any transition from absolute stillness to crawling; she just started to crawl. There is a slight awkwardness to her crawling because she only uses one leg to push forward while the other leg is dragged along for the ride. She reminds me slightly of an injured Japanese soldier in a World War II movie dragging himself to a foxhole.

Anyway, here is the triumphant video of Emma crawling!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Day 299 - Picture Friday

"I tore off the Jolly Green Giant's testicle! Yay!"

"If you don't eat this, Grandma is going to eat you, you little bastard!"

"Pardon me, but I need a new one of these."

"This mobile hat sucks."

"If this kid takes my toy one more time, he's gonna get smacked."

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day 298 - Weighting for Gouda

I preface today's entry with this simple fact: Lisa lost a lot of weight.

Lisa never told me how much she weighed before she had kids. And Lisa never told me how much she weighed at the peak of her pregnancy. But all I ever hear now from Lisa is how much weight she has lost since she was pregnant. I'm not too sure how much she has lost, but she lost all of her pregnancy weight plus another fifteen to twenty pounds. Doing all of the math quickly in my head...I think...she must currently weigh...167 pounds.


Lisa just hit me. sigh.

Although Lisa is not exercising too much on a regular basis, what she is doing on a regular basis is breastfeeding. You burn around 200-500 calories per day when you are breastfeeding. So the way I figure it with all of the people she has to breastfeed in the house, Lisa must be burning off between 600-1500 calories per day (Yes...that's right. I have to eat too.).

Now imagine my amusement when Lisa got the following letter in the mail today. On the front of the flyer it says in bold lettering: "The weight is over! Make a change for your life!" When you open it up, it says: Make a change for your life by contacting the Center for Weight Loss Surgery.

That's right. She got a letter in the mail that says she's a fatty. I have no idea what would prompt a hospital to contact Lisa to tell her she's a beached whale. Perhaps Lisa signed up online for one too many cooking magazines?

The stranger thing about this mailer is what it says in between the lines. This facility is telling you that they know you tried to lose weight. And you failed at it. As a matter of fact, you failed so miserably that the only thing you can do to lose weight is to have a doctor open you up and use a Swingline Heavy-Duty stapler on your stomach. I know I can be an oddball, but man...that's kinda f'd up!

Listen, the only reason I can joke about this topic is because Lisa's isn't overweight at all. And if she was overweight and read today's blog, she'd probably sit on me and kill me. I just don't understand how these advertisements get to certain people when the problems these mailers claim to answer don't even pertain to these individuals. For instance, I got an ad in the mail today that invites me to a seminar on August 5th to help people whose only sense of self-worth and purpose is falsely linked to their addiction to blogging. Now why would I get something like that? Until tomorrow!

You...are going to come back and visit tomorrow, right? Please come back. Tell all your friends! I'm lonely. What am I doing August 5th?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Day 296 - 1st Theme Park Trip!

Some may call us crazy. Others stupid. But this past Sunday we did something that many other parents would never do: we went to a Disney theme park.

Lisa & I actually enjoy going to theme parks. Lisa loves rollercoasters, and I love the technology of amusement park rides. I loved amusement parks so much when I was a kid, I actually spent many hours drawing blueprints for my own park that I called...drumroll...Scottland!

From what I remember, I did some pretty detailed drawings of my amusement park. I did one gigantic birds-eye view of the park with the many lands, and then did detailed illustrations of each individual ride. I can't recall much about my park, but I believe some of the rides and lands were called: It-Doesn't-Matter-You-Don't-Have-Friends ferris wheel, I-Don't-Like-To-Go-Outside-Because-I-Get-Beat-Up bumper cars, and The-More-I-Draw-The-Less-Likely-I'll-Have-To-Socialize log ride. Boy...does that bring back memories!

Our friend, Bernard, works for ABC so he is able to invite up to 3 guests to the Disney parks as long as it's not a blackout day. On this particular Sunday, we could not enter Disneyland for free, but California Adventure was a-ok. So we packed up our stroller and backpack, and off we went!

The first thing we noticed when we arrived at California Adventure was the large number of strollers. We've been to Disneyland & California Adventure many times, but we've never noticed how many babies, infants, and lazy teenagers there are in strollers. It's also a weird feeling just leaving your stroller unattended while going on rides, but every time we returned the twins were still strapped inside tired and dehydrated.

We stayed at the park for about 4-5 hours. Obviously there isn't too much to do when you have babies, but we did take the kids on two rides: a merry-go-round and a little train ride. Thankfully there was no wait for these rides because...well...they're pretty boring and crappy. I'm not too sure what Emma & Andrew thought about their first trip on the merry-go-round. They didn't cry at all, but it did seem as if they were deep in thought. Andrew might've been thinking, "Where is all this music coming from and why are we going around in circles?" Emma might've been thinking, "I would love to eat this mystical animal we're sitting on."

The coolest thing I saw at the park was this gigantic zoetrope. If you don't know what a zoetrope is, here's a picture of one:

It's basically a rotating drum that creates a sense of motion with drawn or painted pictures. But what made this zoetrope unique was that instead of illustrations, this zoetrope created the illusion of motion with sculptures of various Toy Story characters. The diameter of this zoetrope was probably 5-6 feet so it was huge! I took this little video of it with my digital camera:

Pretty cool, right?

Overall, our day at the park wasn't that bad at all. The kids didn't cry or fuss...until the end of the day when Emma wanted to be held. Both Lisa and I think that taking babies to a theme park is relatively easy. You just push them around all day in the stroller. You feed them and change them. And when they're tired, they'll fall asleep in the stroller. But what I think will be difficult is taking the twins to Disneyland when they're old enough to run and speak their mind. So the Happiest Place on Earth can be the happiest place on Earth with patience, humor, and lots and lots of weed.

Here are a few pictures from our little trip!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Day 295 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I found myself getting a little behind in the daily updating of this blog. The obvious question to ask all of you readers was how often should I update this mindless blog? After a staggering eighteen votes, all I can say is the following: get a life! Seventy-seven percent of you would like me to update this blog every day. I thought all of you internet people would rather watch free porn than read about the daily bowel movements of babies. Half of the year has past and I've been able to update the blog every day, so what's another six months. It'll just be six more months of drawing cartoons, editing videos, uploading photos, and writing mindless pieces about raising twin. Good lord...what have I created.

For the past nine months, Lisa and I have seen our kids go through the slow process of becoming little individuals. Although it hasn't even been a year, it's pretty interesting to see how different they are already. Without being stereotypical, you also see them taking on traditional gender traits. Andrew is rough with his toys; Emma is more gentle. Andrew gets hyperactive; Emma tends to stay calm. Andrew prefers hard liquor; Emma likes mixed drinks.

The one thing they both find interesting is television. Granted, Emma can watch television a lot longer than Andrew because she focuses on things better and...well...she can't move. But even with on-the-go Andrew, he can sit down for several minutes and watch a captivating baby video. Lisa and I don't think we over do it with the television, but if we need a few minutes to our own we'll turn on the boob tube and let the kids veg out. What do you feel about babies watching television? How much is too much? Does it even matter? Should babies be granted privileges to become Nielsen members?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Day 294 - Babyproofing Part 1

For the past month, I have been baby-proofing our home. But two pressing factors caused me to hurry up and get it done: 1) Andrew has become an expert crawler and a great big nosy-body; 2) Intensive Care Pediatric Nurse Auntie Susan and Grandma Ichinaga are visiting us this Wednesday. If a hurt Andrew and a pair of pissed-off Ichinagas aren't enough to get my butt a-running, I don't know what will.

So I thought I would go over what baby-proof items I found useful and not useful. Today, I'll go over a handful of things that I am currently using around our house:

CRIB RAIL GUARD: This probably isn't necessary for every baby, but Andrew loves to get his teeth on everything -- including his crib. The rail on his crib got to the point where much of the varnish came off. My first solution was to remove the crib gate completely, but stupid Andrew kept on rolling off the mattress. And then I found on Amazon this crib guard. It's basically one long piece of plush fabric that you velcro over the top of the crib gate. Instead of biting wood, your child is now biting a soft, tender pillow. As an added treat, I filled the entire pillow with baby formula so Andrew can have a nice late night snack whenever he wants.

SAFETY GATE: This is a picture of the gate we bought: an Evenflo Soft and Wide Gate. What I like about this gate is that it is pressure-mounted so there is no need for tools. It's especially ideal for us since we are just leasing our place and there's not need to drill hardware into every doorway. Plus I am prohibited by a court order not to use power tools after my mishap at the local Gymboree (who knew nails would actually shoot out of a nail gun?).

FOAM EDGING: Even though it looks pretty tacky around our pristine and expensive IKEA furniture, I can't tell you how many times this has prevented Andrew from bleeding all over his face. Really. I can't tell you. I hardly watch or supervise the kids at all. Why else do you think I'm baby-proofing the house? Papa needs his beauty sleep, kiddies! I haven't put this on every piece of furniture, but you observe where your kid likes to play and then try to foam it up.

MAGNETIC CABINET LOCKS: I previously bought cabinets locks that you screw into wood, but because of the way our cabinets are mounted it was very difficult to do. The locks I bought are mounted with super-duper tape and are released when you place a magnetic key over the hook. All very simple to do. I placed these locks underneath our kitchen sink where we have a multitude of cleaning products. I also placed them underneath my bed to protect my adult magazine collection (don't tell Lisa!).

PART 2: What's a Waste of Time and Money (a.k.a. I'm Too Damn Lazy)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Day 293 - Sofa So Bad

Our sofa is almost ten years old. When we moved to our current place we thought about purchasing a new one. But eventually we decided against it since there's really no reason to get a new sofa when baby pee, baby poop, baby drool, and mama tit leakage would get it dirty. And dirty our sofa did get.

For the most part, a little warm water and soap gets most of the stains off the sofa. And for those stains that don't go away I have a secret solution: when the kids turn one, I'm going to flip the sofa cushions upside down. Shhh.

But there was one thing I didn't expect our sofa to get: holes. On the edge of our chaise, the fabric was thinning out. I figured since we were planning to get rid of this sofa in the next year or two, it should last at least that long before its innards spill out like leftover night at the slaughterhouse.

When my parents were here babysitting the kids, I noticed the fabric thinning out faster. And before you know it, a little hole appeared. And a few weeks after that, the hole got larger. What the hell was going on? The last time I saw a little hole get huge that fast was (NOTE: Lisa here. I had to censor Scott's next lame body joke. Even for me it went too far. Back to Scott...). And believe me, the prison even had a shovel and a jar of mayo to boot! Hahah! Boy...I'm a hoot.

I asked Lisa if she noticed the sofa hole getting bigger. Lisa said she did noticed and knew why: my parents were allowing Andrew to play with the sofa hole! My mom told Lisa that Andrew's new favorite toy was poking at the hole. He would pull himself up at the end of the chaise and start digging away at the sofa! First of all, why let Andrew ruin our sofa. And more importantly, let's not have Andrew develop a weird fetish with holes.

As you can see with today's picture, we sewed up the hole. Sadly this picture is the second sewing attempt because Andrew broke through the first. Hopefully, we can figure out something to distract Andrew from continuing to play with holes. I suggested to Lisa that we get Andrew a dog with a large ass, but all she said was (NOTE: Lisa here again. Just saving you readers again from another bad my expense. Okay...he's done now.). But how is that possible if Lisa is allergic to peanut butter? Hahaha. All I can say is woof!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Day 292 - Picture Friday

"Ring-a-ding-dingy! Come and get me!"

"I love malt liquor..."

Put that down! Don't you see the basketball? The basketball not the kitty!

Sure she looks innocent, but she's behind bars for a drive-by pooping.

You too can have fun with child labor!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Day 291 - Stuck Between a Rocking Chair and a Hard Place

Over the past few weeks, Andrew has become quite the crawler. No longer does he slither around like a mohawked snake. Instead, he moves around on all fours like a well-paid prostitute.

Thankfully, Andrew's new found mobility is balanced with Emma's old found sitting. The only movement Emma is currently doing is pushing herself backwards a few feet before dropping to the floor exhausted and crying. But we think in the next 4-6 weeks Emma will be scooting around just like her younger-by-one-minute brother.

Even with one kid moving around, it has proved more difficult for Lisa to watch the kids. No longer can she leave them on the floor with a bottle taped to their hands while she takes a quick trip to the mall. Now she must leash one of them to a bedpost.

We also notice that coupled with Andrew's crawling is a growing frustration with idleness. Andrew really does not enjoy staying in one place too long. Sometimes when you're carrying him, he'll start to use your chest as an escape ladder to climb over your shoulder.

And as depicted in today's picture, Andrew doesn't have great spatial judgment. Sometimes he'll get stuck in a space that he thought he had room to get through, and he will hit his head in an area that he thought was higher. Stupid...

This weekend I'll do an entry about the baby-proofing I have done around the house to keep Andrew safe from bleeding and electrocution. I haven't got around to keeping Andrew safe from poison yet, but I figure I have a few weeks to separate our household cleaning products from our baby food pantry. But it's so dang confusing since we pour our toilet bowl cleaner into our recycled food jars. Too bad I'm so lazy...

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Day 289 - Poison Ivy League

Our friend, Michelle, took a trip to Boston and returned with gifts for the kids: Harvard t-shirts. I suppose it is the dream of every parent that their child will be smart enough to go to a prestigious university. My dream for my kids is a bit more simple: I want Andrew to grow a mustache, and I want Emma to yodel.

But just in case we find out our kids are really smart, I decided to do a little research on Harvard. Mainly the cost of going there. After looking at the tuition, I really hope Andrew grows facial hair and Emma loves Alpine folk music.

The current tuition cost to Harvard is $32,557. When you add health services fees, student services fees, and room and board, the new total is $47,215. And THEN if you add personal expenses and travel costs, the final total is $52,650. Multiply that by two and you get $105,300. BUT you need to figure out how much it would cost us in about seventeen years. The difference between this year's tuition and last year's is about $2000. For simplicity sake, let's multiply $2000 by 17 years. That's $34,000. Multiply that by two and add it to my previous grand total and you get $173,300. FINALLY let's multiply that by four years and you get a depressing $693,200. Looking at that number, my dream for my children has plunged to the even more simplistic "don't f-up."

Now what can you get for $693,200? How about the following:

1,733 Playstation 3s
25,674 Hello Kitty dolls
154 ,044 gallons of gasoline
693,200 dollar bills

Since it seems pretty unrealistic that Lisa and I will ever be able to afford Harvard's tuition (or any private college for that matter), I came up with a couple of alternatives for the kids. The first one is Los Angeles Community College. It's only $20/unit and the kids can live at home with us. So if you take 16 units each quarter, the total cost for both kids would be $2560/year! All I can say with that fine figure is: I Love LA!

The second option is trucking school. The Trans Union Truck Driving School in Tacoma, WA has a tuition fee of only $2895! Multiply that by two and you got a final total of $5790. Even don't even need a high school diploma! Keep on, truckin'!

It's a little ridiculous to think that at a young age of nine months you can determine how smart or dumb your kid is going to be. But the fact that you can't determine it is why parents probably put so much hope into their kids. Babies are just these gigantic sponges that soak up everything around them; you just hope they're not the sponges you use to clean up around the toilet. So I guess we'll just hope for the best and see how our kids do in the future. Although once again there's nothing wrong with facial hair and yodeling.