Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 1615 - Picture Friday

Congratulations to Emma for graduating from Lame Origami Hat Academy.

Andrew's repeated attempts to spell finally resulted in a series of doodles 
he called "Cars, Rockets, and Poop".


Andrew apologized to Vibrator Smurf for using him as a t-ball stand.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Day 1612 - At Least She Doesn't Call Me A Dumbass

Emma is a very inquisitive and curious person.  She's quite the chatterbox around us and isn't afraid to share what she has on her mind for better or worse.  And although there are times when we think she is much older than four, a certain incident will occur that will make us say, "Ah yes.  Emma is only four."

The difference between three and four for me is that kids are able to verbalize their frustration more clearly.  Whereas a three year old would just cry and throw a temper tantrum, a four year can now cry, throw a temper tantrum, and communicate to you how much they dislike cauliflower and that you can shove that scoop of sherbet up your ass. 

A pretty good example of this happened to me when Emma was playing on the iPad.  There's this game called Scribblenauts where you can type in a word, and then it will appear on screen for a character to use.  It's great for the kids because it teaches them how to type, spell, and read.  Already, the kids know how to type "poop", "pee", and "maxipads".

It was Emma's turn with Scribblenauts, and she asked me, "How do you spell GPS?"

So I said, "GPS."

"No.  How do you spell it?" she repeated.

"That's the way you spell it," I explained. "It's just the letters G, P, and S."

"But how you do you SPELL it?" she said with frustration.

I knew where this was going to go, so I tried to take the iPad from her to show her how to type it.  This was a ridiculously bad idea.

"DADDY?  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she screamed as if I stabbed her Minnie Mouse doll.  "I CAN DO IT MYSELF!  HOW DO YOU SPELL IT?"

"G. P. S."

"I knooooooow that.  Just tell me how to spell it."

I decided to amuse myself.  "I. T."

"Huh?" answered Emma.

"That's how you spell "it".  I. T."  I laughed to myself.

"I don't know what you are saying.  I'm going to go see Mommy," said Emma as she walked away in a huff.

Frankly, I probably shouldn't have amused myself so much with this situation, but if I took it too seriously, I would have gotten just as frustrated and angry as Emma.  And that is never a good combination.  It's like giving Andrew stool softener in his juice and running out of toilet paper.  A bad combination.

It strikes me funny how as an adult, you sometimes accept things without question.  But you look at a four year old with their book on how the world works, and if something doesn't make sense, you have a lot of explaining to do.  I do hope Emma never loses her tenacity or willingness to question something.  But if she asks me how to spell DVD the next time, Mommy better be in the next room.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Day 1608 - Picture Friday

This is what happens when you ask Emma to throw out the trash.

 Andrew is always helpful when a replacement fairy is needed around the house.

 "Hmph!  Andrew broke my building!"

 "Hmph!  Emma is so easy to mock!"

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Day 1605 - Wrong Jump

Andrew and Emma have developed a healthy sense of competition with each other.  By healthy, I mean the loser chases the winner out of rage thus getting in a good cardio workout.  And by competition, I mean the loser figures out a way to cheat the next time.

Honestly, I think the kids are pretty normal when it comes to games and competitions.  They're happy when they win, and they're pissed when they lose.  But Lisa and I try to encourage good sportsmanship and manners when we play a game.  For instance, we always tell the winner to shake hands with their opponent, and we tell the loser to always, always, ALWAYS make sure you give the winner the finger when they are NOT looking.

Over the weekend, we were at a playground and the kids were trying to see who could jump the farthest.  You can see what Andrew does when he is bested by Emma, but what I find most amusing is the last few seconds of the video when you can aurally hear how funny Andrew thinks he is.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Day 1601 - Picture Friday

 "Please do not what?!?"

 If you think this is attractive, you should see what Emma does with a contrabassoon.

 "How many times do you want me to come out of the closet?"

"I love edamames in a pod!"*

*blatant self-promotion

Have a great weekend!

Friday, March 9, 2012

Day 1594 - Picture Friday

 "I am SO Japanese, I drink soup with chopsticks!"

 "Look what I found!  I'm wearing flowers!"

 "...i can't believe andrew wore my flowers without even asking me..."

"Andrew cowers in the corner of the sofa for the terrifying conclusion to this week's "Blue's Clues".

Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Day 1592 - Thanks for Nothing, A-Hole

In order for Lisa to finish some stuff at home, I decided to take the kids with me on a couple of errands.  I had to go to Target, drop off the bi-monthly check to my mistress, and then Best Buy.  As anyone knows who has kids, errands can be quite exhausting especially after having to explain to them that your mistress is just your work boss who likes to hug you a lot.  At least I was ending my chores with a trip to Best Buy.

But by the time I got to Best Buy, the kids plain tuckered me out.  All I wanted to do was grab a box of overpriced magenta ink and get the hell out.  Of course, the kids had their own plans.

They ran to the iPad display and demanded to play a couple of games.  I finally got them to leave the iPad counter after letting them play a few terrifying levels of Dead Space, but off they went running to the television section.  I had to run up and down the aisle trying to find Andrew and Emma while effeminately holding onto the little box of magenta ink.

We all ended up sitting on an over-sized ottoman in the Magnolia section of Best Buy.  For some reason, they were just staring at the blu-ray menu screen for Transformers.  I told the kids we had to go home because Mommy was waiting for us.

"I want to watch Transformers," said Emma.

"Robots!  Robots!" chanted Andrew.

Soon, I was doing the dreaded invisible revolving door routine with them.  As soon as I got the kids off the ottoman to walk a few feet forward towards the exit, they would turn through the invisible revolving door and sit back down.

A few frustrating minutes passed, and I finally began to gain control over the kids.  How did I gain back control?  Reverse psychology?  Sheer will and determination?  Parental mental manipulation?  Nah, I just told them I would give them a cookie at home.

And then the a-hole moment occurred.  A Best Buy manager came by to ask me if I needed any help.  I told him no thank you.  His attention then turned towards the kids.

"Hey, kids," he said.  "How you doing?"

"I want robots!" demanded Andrew.

"Oh?  You like Transformer?" he said.

Here it comes...

"They're pretty cool, huh?" he continued.

Any second now...

"Let me start the movie for you," he said as he pushed play on the blu-ray player.


I couldn't believe what he did!  Every time I've been in Best Buy looking for someone to help, there is never a blue-shirted geek walking the area.  But this time because I'm in the part of the store that has a leather ottoman and 65" LCD televisions, I get an ASSHOLE who did the one thing I did not want him to do:  ENGAGE THE KIDS WITH MORE F*&^ING ROBOTS!

So I did what I should've done five minutes ago:  I picked up the kids like luggage (while still holding onto my magenta ink), bought my ink, and then drove home.  All due to that asshole geek squad ne'er do well, I am now struggling with lower back pain, shoulder spasms, and enlarged forearms.  I hope my incident can be an example for all retail workers across this country of ours to shut the f*&k up and not be an asshole when dealing with a parent trying to get out of their store. 

Friday, March 2, 2012

Day 1587 - Picture Friday: Universal CityWalk Edition

 "Nothing ever exciting happens to me..."

 Queen Kong.

 Although it may look like a yellow mustache, Andrew is actually puking his lunch of lemonade, saffron rice, and yellow curry.

Emma enjoys exploring Universal's newest attraction Gallstones of the Rich and Famous.

Have a great weekend!