Last week, Andrew was in one of his moods and was not eating his lunch. So I stepped in and tried to feed him some food. I stood in front of him using one of my hands to keep his head still and my other hand to feed him. In a burst of frustration, Andrew let out a grunt and kicked his legs straight up...into my balls. Suddenly both of my hands were now covering my groin as I let out a despairing grunt.There have been many occasions when Emma and Andrew have accidentally abused my pendulum babies. I suppose it's just a part of parenthood, but it's unfair that I don't see Lisa rolling on the floor crying out, "Ouch! My balls!" But to be honest, there was one time Lisa was rolling on the floor and she screamed, "Ouch! My penis!"
As a public service to fathers out there, I thought I should warn all of you that once your children become toddlers and are as tall as your inseam, there are some things you need to be aware of:
STOMPING GRAPES: When you have active toddlers around the house, lying down on the floor is testicular suicide. It has come to the point where I don't feel comfortable lying down when the kids are up. The last time I remember lying on the floor was when I was so tired, I closed my eyes just for a moment. And within seconds, Andrew's entire upper body gave my thigh pillows an unwanted wake up call.
HEAD TO HEAD: Sometimes the kids come running to you to give you a hug. But due to their height, when they give you a hug they often headbutt your Olson twins. Eventually the kids will grow tall enough where it no longer becomes your problem, but your wife's problem (i.e. headbutting the boobs).
GRAB BAG: Awkwardly, there have been times when the kids just grab your junk. No explanation. And if there is, I don't want to know it.
ZIPPERHEAD: The kids are going through a phase where they are fascinated with zippers. I was lying on the sofa one day, and Andrew started to play with my pants zipper. I tried to shoo him away, but that just attracted Emma's attention. Now I had both of kids playing with my zipper. It was very embarrassing, but I came up with an ingenious way of averting this situation: I no longer wear pants.
3 comments:
Don't force feed your kids Dumbass!
Who wrote "Don't force feed your kids?" This person obviously doesn't have kids and has no freakin idea what raising kids is like... let alone 2 at the same time. YOU HAVE NO CONTROL over what a kid will eat. You just keep on trying and trying and one day... like magic... if you're lucky... they'll eat.
And why did getting kicked in the groin inspire this person to post this???
Because I DO have kids, and I am also a former pediatric nurse. Children of this age can feed themselves if you put the food in front of them, if they are hungry. If they aren't hungry, they won't eat. Never make eating or potty time a power struggle. The "Dumbass" part was simply because Scott so often refers to himself by that term. I crossed a line, I am sorry. Never meant to offend anyone. And if you want to force feed either one, they are your kids, go for it. The AAP just happens to have a different view. Sorry to offend. (: I was just hoping to protect Scott's balls from future harm.
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