Day 525 - Crappy Day

I'm a regular guy -- both my personality and my daily bowel movements. During the weekdays, I have a bowl of oatmeal with fresh blueberries for breakfast. It's simple, healthy, and gives my sphincter a hearty good morning!

I bring all of this up not to further your disgust of me as a human being, but rather to tell you what happened to me today. When you are taking care of seventeen month old twins, no matter how much oatmeal you consume on a weekly basis, all of that fiber does not dictate when you poop -- your kids tell you when you can poop. Thankfully, I have been able to drop my other kids off at the pool when my real kids are napping. But today that was not the case.

The kids just finished their breakfast and were playing with their toys. I felt a little pressure down yonder and figured I would just hold it in. But despite my amazingly muscular physique, my ass muscles were about to go on strike and leave me with a soiled picket line. I had to do something fast because I didn't want Emma and Andrew changing my pants -- that's something they'll have to do for me in fifty years.

Now what would keep them entranced for a few minutes while Daddy made a Lincoln Log house? Obviously my singing and dancing talents, but that was out of the question. Ah ha! The television! I plopped the kids in front of the television with a snack cup full of cereal. I turned the television on to PBS Kids and ran into the bathroom.

I have this thing about always shutting the bathroom door. I've been with Lisa ever since college, and she can tell you that she has never seen me on the toilet. She has seen me on the bathroom sink, but that was after a bachelor party and I really don't remember it. I figured I had better keep the bathroom door open on this rare occasion just so I could hear the kids and make sure there wasn't any blood shed.

I quickly did my business on the toilet and did my first flush. I'm a double flusher. One flush for the crapper, and one flush for the paper. There's just something that makes me uncomfortable about knowing I have Snicker bars floating underneath my butt. It's just more relaxing for me knowing that there is just clear, still water serenely waiting for the gentle dusting of toilet paper.

But the double flush was not a good idea. When I did the first flush, I heard little footsteps coming towards me. It was curious little Andrew. He saw me on the toilet and just stared at me. For some reason I was embarrassed. I didn't really want him to see me on the toilet, and it would just be more embarrassing for me if he saw me wipe my ass. So I just waved hi to him and told him to go watch TV. In return, he smiled, screamed, and ran towards my naked thighs.

This scream prompted Emma to take a peek to see what was going on. I can only wonder what she thought was going on with Daddy sitting on the toilet trying to push Andrew away from me with my flailing feet and arms. Emma must've thought this was funny because she came into the bathroom too laughing and screaming. What a poopy disaster!

I had no choice but to clean myself up while the kids were laughing at me. I really do think they were laughing at me with ridicule. It wasn't a cute "I love you, Daddy" laugh. It was more of a "You're a pathetic embarrassment, Daddy" laugh. I got Andrew away from my legs, but Emma began to wonder why I was taking paper and rubbing it against my butt. Emma started to play with the toilet paper roll as Andrew began pulling all of the hand towels to the floor.

I finally finished up my business on the toilet and did my final flush. I shut the toilet closed, washed my hands, and scooped the kids into my hands and dropped them on the sofa. This entire episode lasted only a few minutes, but it felt like I saw my entire life pass before my poop.

In hindsight, I should've put the kids in a playpen or their cribs, but logic doesn't reign when you're about to poop your pants. Thankfully, the kids are way too young to remember this or tell their friends. The only thing I have to worry about is to make sure I delete this blog entry when the kids are old enough to tell their friends.