Day 191 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked you how much would you pay for preschool. The results show that six of you would pay at least $1000/kid and three of you would pay at least $500/kid. So to those of you who voted, please write your checks of either $1000 or $500 to Edamames In A Pod P.O. Box 8008 Suckerville, USA. Sadly, I feel like the average price for preschool here in Los Angeles is closer to the $1000 sticker price. I wonder if I can pass off Andrew and Emma as Siamese twins and pay for just one of them.

This past weekend, Lisa participated in a baby consignment sale. It's basically a place where a bunch of people sell their used baby goods and a bunch of crazy mothers come to shop over a weekend willing to maim another mother over a $2 quilt while emasculated fathers sit in their coffee-stained SUVs waiting for the call to help their wife cram garbage bags full of purchased goods into the car for an unpleasant ride home. Yup. It's a great time...

Over the past month, we've had this corner of this bedroom piled with items that Lisa was going to sell at the consignment sale. The preparation for this sale was insane. It's great for the buyer because everything is very organized and items for sale are generally very clean. But for the seller, it's very time intensive. For instance, let's say you're going to sell a baby outfit. Here's what you had to do to sell the outfit: 1) Must be clean. 2) Must be stain-free. 3) Must be hung on a wire hanger. 4) Minimum price is $2. 5) Must be in-season clothing. 6) Product tag must be in the upper right hand corner of the clothing. 7) Must use online program to print out your price tags. 8) Must print price tags on paper that is 67 lbs or heavier. 9) Must hang clothing so the hook is facing towards the left. 10) Must sort clothing by size and gender. 11) Must not slap the anal-retentive organizer for making things so damn difficult.

So now that the consignment sale finished yesterday, I ask you how much money do you think Lisa made? And just to make your guess a little more educated, she put up for sale about 120 items and probably 75% of that was baby clothing.

Day 190 - Eating Habits

For the past week, the kids seem to enjoy eating their rice cereal. They can't wait until they can put a little sashimi cereal on top of their rice cereal with a dab of wasabi cereal. Andrew has even gotten to the point where he gets very angry if he isn't fed fast enough.

When the kids were first born, Emma was not as good as Andrew with the bottle. A lot of the formula would seep out the corner of her mouth and get all over her clothes. On the other hand, Andrew was and is a very neat bottle feeder. He sucks really well. Hmm. That doesn't sound like a compliment, but it is.

But with the introduction of solid food, they've done a Parent Trap on us: they've swapped! Emma is neat and Andrew is messy. Emma has become quite proficient at keeping the rice cereal in her mouth when we feed her with a spoon (is this to be a surprise?). But Andrew pushes the food out with his tongue after it enters his mouth. I read that this is a natural reaction because this is the way babies feed with a bottle or the mama's ta-ta.

Overall, it hasn't been too bad a week of solid foods. Here are some pictures and even a video of the kids eating:

Notice how neat Emma is when she eats. She's even wiping up after herself (does this bode well for potty training?).

Compare that to Andrew. What a slob. Who's teaching him to eat like this?

Here's a little video of Andrew eating.


Andrew has nothing to smile about...that gluttonous, messy boy.

Day 189 - Grandma Ichikawa's Children Songs

Something that Lisa and I do with the kids on a daily basis is play and sing songs.  Although the kids are used to my natural talent of belting Lerner and Lowe Broadway songs, they accept Lisa's off key renditions of Alan Menken Disney songs.  But nothing can beat Grandma Ichikawa's mangled interpretation of classic children songs.

This afternoon my mom was watching the finale of Celebrity Apprentice.  I didn't watch it at all, but my mom told me that it was between a Brit and a Country singer.  She also mentioned how she doesn't know anything about country music and doesn't like it at all.

"I dontah know why people rike dat country moosic.  I would nevah sing dat kindah moosic to dah kids.  Babies dontah rike honky donkey moosic."

Honky donkey moosic?  What the hell is honky donkey music?  I've heard of honky tonk music, but honky donkey?  Is it some sort of Barry Manilow song for people into bestiality?  Copacabangagoat?

Then later on in the day, I heard Grandma Ichikawa singing to Emma in the bedroom.  She was singing her version of Row, Row, Row Your Boat.   Now the original version goes like this:

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream.

Here's what I heard Grandma Ichikawa singing to Emma:

Row, row, row your boat

Jackson down the stream.

Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary

Life is but a dream.

It started off okay, but then my mom started throwing out all of these random names that have no place in the song.  I guess you could make some sense of the song.  Maybe there's someone in a boat that's telling Jackson to row a boat.  Although it seems like the boat belongs to Jackson, so the person telling him to row the boat must be an uninvited, more powerful guest.  And I think this uninvited guest must be having an affair with Mary, Jackson's wife, because he obviously just finished having sex with her in the boat and telling her to dream on.

Wow.  What is my mom doing singing songs of infidelity and extramarital affairs to the kids?  I better tell her to stop singing.  How will she mangle up Jack and Jill going up a hill?  What will Jill be going down after?  Will she pronounce the last 'd' in Hickory Dickory Dock, or will it just become another painfully, punny porn title?  And I won't even touch Wee Willie Winkie.  Us Japanese men have enough insecurities about that topic.  

Day 188 - Picture Friday

"You lookin' at me, butterfly? You lookin' at me?"

For her first trick, Emma Houdini attempts to escape the Rings of Death..by putting them into her mouth to eat.

Grandma performs her Enchanted Linda Linda Room show for the kids.

For her final trick, Emma Houdini levitates a lollypop rattle...into her mouth to eat.


Have a great weekend!

Day 187 - Son Of A Bibs

Bibs have been a necessary item of clothing for our kids.  In the same way an incontinent person would need rubber pants, the constant stream of drool from Andrew and Emma necessitates bibs.

On average, the kids go through two bibs a day.  We change bibs each time the kids eat their rice cereal which is in the morning and the evening.  And for the rest of the day, the bibs collect saliva and an occasional dried boogie.

The bibs have not only become needed because of their introduction to solid foods, but the kids are on the verge of teething.  And with teething come tugged ears, irritation, and flood gates opened with gushing spit.

As you know, my parents are currently staying with us until the first weekend of April when they will then move into their apartment a mile down the road.  But in the meantime, they are staying in our second bedroom and watching the kids during the day while Lisa and I are at work.

Over dinner tonight, Lisa commented on how we have to do the laundry because we have hardly any bibs left.  My mom explained how the kids drool so much that she needs to change the bibs often.  My mom further explained how the bibs stink with drool.  And furthermore, my mom explained how the kids aren't dirty animals.

I asked Lisa how many bibs were in the laundry bag.  Lisa said there were seven.  Seven?!?!  How do you go through seven bibs over an eleven hour period?  Once again, my mom explained how the kids aren't dirty animals.

Grandma Ichikawa shocked me further with this bib incident by disclosing that she actually hand-washed a bunch of bibs this afternoon and tossed them into the dryer.  So how many bibs did my mom go through today?  Eleven!  Eleven stinking, soaking, saliva-ridden, not-a-dirty-animal bibs.

I really don't know how you go through that many bibs in one day.  Maybe your jaw muscles don't work and you can't close your mouth.  Or maybe you're a beauty pageant contestant trying to lose those last three pounds.  But the only explanation is really two words:  Grandma Ichikawa.  My mom is just a major neat freak.  I wouldn't say that she's OCD, but she is just a very clean person.  She's the type who wears white gloves to the theater not because she wants to look classy, but rather she doesn't want to touch the armrest because who knows what dirty little whore sat there previously.

Despite the craziness my mom presents to us on a daily basis, both Lisa and I are very happy and lucky that my parents are willing to move down here temporarily to babysit the kids.  And ultimately it becomes a financial necessity because without both of us working how would we be able to provide my mom enough bibs to sate her saliva aversion. 

Day 186 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 185 - Rice Is Nice

This past Sunday, we started the kids on solid food. When I think of solid food, I imagine a thick piece of steak or a dense slice of cheesecake (that's what Emma imagines too). Yet what we were told to start the kids on was a small helping of wet, slimy rice cereal (Emma was very disappointed).

Lisa was very excited to start the kids on solids. So much so that she wanted to be in charge of preparing their food. For those of you who know Lisa, she is a very good baker. Pretty much anything she sticks in the oven tastes really good. But in regards to her skills as an actual cook who can prepare meals on the stovetop...well...err...umm...did I mention she makes great cookies?

When I first started to date Lisa, she prepared a dinner of chicken curry for me. Pretty tasty right? Well when she started cooking, she put in the chicken, onions, potatoes, carrots, and celery in all at the same time. After a very long period of simmering, everything except the chicken disappeared in the pan. The potatoes and vegetables melted and created this curry cake in the pan. After scooping curry on my plate of rice, the curry just stood there like frozen chocolate pudding. Did I mention dessert was really tasty though?

But back to the rice cereal. Our pediatrician told us to feed them rice cereal twice a day, and an hour after feeding them the bottle or booby. An hour after their morning feeding, Lisa went to work at preparing their rice cereal. We bought these nice little suction cup bowls and feeding spoons at The Right Start on Saturday, so we were ready to go.

Andrew was up first. At first the spoon was this weird, foreign, shaft-like object being shoved into his mouth with difficulty; I think Andrew is straight. It took awhile to get the food into his mouth because he kept on pushing it off the spoon with his tongue. So Lisa tried pouring the rice cereal into his mouth, and then inserted the spoon into his mouth. This helped a bit, and Andrew began to get a hang of it.

Next up was Emma. When I stirred the bowl of rice cereal, I observed that there was hardly any texture to the food at all. It just looked like formula to me. But Lisa reminded me that our doctor told us to have the consistency very wet at first, and then slowly thicken it up over the next week. As I fed Emma, she had the same reaction as Andrew. She did not enjoy having this weird long object shoved into her mouth; I think Emma is a lesbian. But I copied Lisa's strategy of pouring food and then introducing the spoon. And that helped a bit.

I suppose it was a fairly successful first feed. They didn't really eat much at all, but the first day is more about the experience than the actual food. As Lisa and I cleaned up, I poured the rice cereal into the sink. Again I commented on how thin the rice cereal was. Lisa told me to stop griping about it. She told me she followed the instructions: 1 tablespoon of rice cereal to 3 ounces of formula. I told her that seemed like an awful lot of liquid for a little bit of rice. By this time Lisa was frustrated with me and wanted me to shuddup. She grabbed the instructions and read it line by line to me.

"Look! It says 1 tablespoon of rice cereal to 3 tablespoons of formula!" she commanded to me.

"But you said you put in 3 ounces of formula," I responded.

"I did...err..oh. Whoopsies! I put in too much formula! Haha."

Sadly, Lisa did not bake anything that night so the kids think she's a sucky cook.

"I know I'm suppose to like rice, but this is ridiculous."

"BRING ON THE RIBS!!!"

Day 184 - Poll Results and New Poll

Last week's poll results was unanimous. Everyone who voted thought that Lisa's baby picture looks like Emma and my baby picture looks like Andrew. The only pathetic part of the poll is that although the blog had 262 visits last week only 6 of you voted for the poll. So for the 256 of you who did not vote: shame on you! And for the 6 of you who did vote: thanks, but don't you have anything better to do with your time? Pathetic on both counts.

Since last week was Lisa's Spring Break, she took a day and visited some preschools. There was one preschool near our current place that Lisa visited. She said the facility was in an actual neighborhood and spanned two homes. It seemed very earthy and nudity is acceptable -- for the kids, not the teachers...I think. But the preschool wouldn't meet our needs because the hours are from 9a-4p, and it is $2000 per kid per month. That's right. We would have to pay $4000 for preschool. I'm sorry, but I could rent a storage unit with a water cooler for the kids and save $3825. So for this week's poll, what do you think is an acceptable amount to pay for preschool?

Day 183 - Happy Easter

The picture to your right tells you three things immediately: 1) It is Easter; 2) My parents are back in town; 3) My mom's plastic surgery to fix her ears went dramatically wrong.

My parents arrived this afternoon from Sacramento to stay for the next three months to babysit the kiddies. They will move into their apartment the beginning of next month, but until then they will be staying with us. And since they were arriving on Easter, we decided we would attempt to cook an Easter dinner.

One thing you realize when trying to prepare a nice dinner with infant twins is that no matter how lofty your initial menu is, it is going to be knocked down many notches by dinnertime. Our initial thought with dinner was the following: turkey and ham, stuffing, multiple fresh vegetables, salad, bread, potatoes, and a warm apple pie. What it actually became was the following: Costco ham, frozen corn, bagged salad, bagged rolls, and a Ralph's peach pie.

The dinner actually wasn't that bad. The ham was pretty tasty, but the peach pie was lame. We would've been better off serving microwaved Hostess Peach Pies (do they even make them anymore?). And despite trying to plan the cooking schedule so nothing would get cold, everything got cold because we all got involved feeding the kids their dinner.

Overall, it was a nice Easter. Grandma and Grandpa came down. We video chatted with my sister, Anne (pretzel maven), for a little bit. And Lisa's sister called. And most importantly, I got to take a ridiculous picture of my mom with bunny ears.

Here are a few pictures of the kids!

Emma compares her thighs next to the Easter ham.

Have a great weekend! Crap. I meant...Happy Easter!

Day 182 - Six Months Old (yesterday)

Yesterday marked the sixth month since Andrew and Emma were pulled from the innards of Lisa's abdomen. Although the days are a blur (since my astigmatism has worsened), when I take a moment to think of how the kids have changed it has been quite drastic. Fresh out of the womb, they were these little blobs that just pooped and peed. Six months later, they are these larger blobs that can grab their poop and touch their pee.

Not only can they grab and touch their surroundings, but they are slowly developing personalities. Andrew seems to be a pretty happy-go-lucky fella, but when he's frustrated or wants something he has no problem showing his feelings through furrowed eyebrows and vocalized screams. As for Emma, her first few months were relatively difficult for us. She always needed to be held, rocked, and fed (duh!). But now she has become this very content, happy girl who at times cries less than Andrew.

Here are a couple of pictures of the kids with pictures of them at one month old for comparison.

Six months old.

One month old.

Six months old.

One month old.

18 years old.

Day 181 - Picture Friday

Andrew makes a move on his date. Disturbingly, it's his sister.

"Look! It's me on my lap!"

"Emma, we have to make sure this is okay because Daddy told me to always protect your balls."

"Wah! Emma ate my pants!"

"Huh -- munch -- there's no pants behind this book -- munch -- really -- munch."

Have a great weekend!

Day 180 - 6 Month Doctor Appt

Yesterday the kids had their six-month check-up.  I can't believe it has already been six months.  It seems like yesterday when Lisa's vagina was a gigantic, mangled, over-puffed piece of cheese popcorn.  

Andrew and Emma still are a bit young to remember why they go to the doctor's office, so it is an easy trip for us.  Our pediatrician, Dr. Osher, says that as kids get older just driving by the doctor's office can get kids into a tizzy.  I don't know if her use of the word "tizzy" is the same way I use it every time I pass by a strip club; I think not.

The next big step for us and the kids is that we are now going to begin introducing solid foods.  We're going to start off with rice cereal followed by some vegetables and fruits in the upcoming weeks and months.  The doctor told us to start off with the blandest foods and to stick with one type of food for at least four to five days before giving them something new.  I asked when we can start giving Emma ribs, and the doctor laughed at my joke.  Sadly...twas not a joke.  Emma wants ribs.

Currently, Andrew is 25 1/4" tall and 16 pounds and 9 ounces.  That puts him in the 20th percentile for height and 40th percentile for weight.  Emma is also 25 1/4" tall and 18 pounds and 2 ounces.  That puts her in the 40th percentile for height and 95th percentile for weight.

Yes.

That's right.

95th percentile for weight.

Ordinarily, I'd be overjoyed (or in this case overweight?) if my child came home and told me, "Guess what, Dad!  I got a 95% on my test."  It's just that I don't know if you want to be in the 95th percentile for chubbiness.  It's kinda like if Andrew came home and said, "Guess what, Dad!  I got a 95% on my test for being a dumbass!"  That's nothing to be proud of...although I suppose like father like son.

In all honesty, neither Lisa or I are very concerned about Emma's weight.  We know it's just baby fat and it will eventually go away.  The important thing is that our kids are healthy and they're hitting all of their developmental milestones.  And once Emma starts crawling and walking, all of that baby fat will be but a memory.  Unless she starts crawling and walking towards a slab of ribs.

Day 179 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 178 - Holy Sit

Sometimes before I go to sleep, I pick up one of my baby books and skim through it. As I think to myself, "Damn...I was a cute baby...what the hell happened to me?" I put down my baby book and pick up a baby reference book. I like to look at the charts that breakdown a baby's development. As I read the charts, I do a mental check-off to see what our kids are doing and not doing yet.

One of the charts said that around six months, babies should be able to sit up with help of their hands and arms for support. So the next day I decided to see if our kids could sit. In general, Andrew has always been a bit more advanced with the whole movement and coordination thing. I took Andrew and sat him up with his hand in front of him. He was able to sit up for a good 5 to 10 seconds before he started to squirm and a quick movement of his wobble head caused him to fall over.

Emma has never been that great with the movement thing. Whereas Andrew has been rolling over all over the place, Emma has only rolled over a handful of times. I wasn't too confident that Emma would be able to sit up as long as Andrew, but I figured why not try.

I'll tell you upfront that Emma wasn't as successful as Andrew with the sitting up. First of all, my theory why Emma isn't able to sit up as long as Andrew is the following: she has a big head. For instance, try balancing a brand new pencil on its eraser. Not too bad, right? That pencil is Andrew. But now try balancing that same pencil with a frozen turkey on top of it. Difficult, right? That pencil is Emma.

I took the following pictures of Emma trying to sit up:

Before I was able to grab my camera, I placed Emma's hand in front of her body for support. But as you can see, Emma pushed her hands away, but was still able to keep her frozen turkey head from toppling her over.

You can tell by Andrew's blank glance that Emma fell over fairly quickly. One second she was in Andrew's sight line and the next she was gone!

After I pulled Emma off the floor, I got her back into a sitting position. Although she was quite dazed from falling over, she was still able to keep her body in an upright position and continued to practice sitting.

Holy sit...

Day 177 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week's poll, I asked whether or not I should continue with the Grandma Ichikawa stories. Sorry, Grandma Ichikawa, but it looks like stories about you will continue to be shared since 78% of your fans voted yes. I'm sure since Grandma Ichikawa will be with us for the next three months, there will be PLENTY of stories to be shared. There were a couple of votes for Grandma Ichinaga, so there could always be the possibility of a few slipped anecdotes about her too (watch your tongue Grandma Ichinaga!).

This week's poll was prompted by our friend, Jodie, who thought Andrew looked like Lisa. Ever since Andrew was born, people have said he looks more like me than Lisa. And Emma has been repeatedly compared to Lisa. So for this week's poll, I have posted a couple of baby pictures of Lisa and I. Who do you think we look like?

Baby Scott

Baby Lisa

Day 176 - Back to Work

Tomorrow I return to work on my next show, "Californication." It's only a twelve episode season so I'll be finished with this gig around the middle of August -- just in time for Lisa to go back to work. This week is Spring Break, so Lisa will spend the week with the kiddies having wet t-shirt contests and drinking margaritas on the veranda. Then next week we'll both be at work, and this is the beginning of Grandma and Grandpa Ichikawa's babysitting services for the next three months until Lisa finishes the school year.

I have mixed feelings about returning to work. On one hand, it will be nice to get out of the house and have adult conversations about governors shacking up with whores and celebrity sex videos. But on the other hand, I'll miss the kids especially since my commute and hours will make it unlikely for me to see them much during the week. At least I know that they will be taken care of by family -- a nutty family, but a family nonetheless.

It's unfortunate that neither one of us can stay home with the kids for the first few years. Lisa can't stay home because she would likely lose her position at her school, and our plan is to have our kids go to her school since it's a really good one. And as for me, I can't stay home because nobody trusts me with the kids. One kid catches on fire and suddenly Scott's not a good dad. Lah-dee-freakin--dah.

Yet all of this scheduling with daycare and grandparents and babysitters and nannies is pretty much the norm. That's the way I tend to find comfort with all of these new situations we come across as new parents: every parent goes through the same thing. Some have it easier and some have it worse, yet we all go through the same worries and stresses. I can only hope that since Lisa and I aren't morons (according to Lisa I'm only a dumbass) the kids will make it through without too many scars (excluding the burn graft scar...lah-dee-freakin-dah).

And with that, I better pack up my bags and get my lunch ready for tomorrow. Hopefully, I can still continue to update the blog daily. If not, perhaps Lisa can fill in here and there. Especially since she has such the fan base. And by fan base, I mean all the people she e-mailed and phoned to leave a comment for her blog entry.

Day 175 - Return of the Cankles

During Lisa's pregnancy, she had a major case of the cankles. Granted, Lisa carried twins during the summer heat, but still...they were MAJOR cankles. Everyone who saw her couldn't help but notice how her once petite ankles turned into the Incredible Bulk. You could poke it with your pinky finger, and your entire finger would disappear into this vastness of water retention. I'd say it might be similar to touching the water creature in "The Abyss."

Sadly, I don't think I took any pictures of Lisa's ankles. Can you believe it? I'll ask Lisa to wait a minute to look for the camera while she's covered in poop splatter, but I don't have a nice wide angle photo of her enlarged feet. What I did find was this picture we took with our friends Maureen and Vicky.


I know it's difficult to tell whether or not Lisa's ankles are buckling the wood floor, but let's hear it for Adobe Photoshop! A little cropping and enlarging and voila!


Looking at this picture reminds me that Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who! opened this weekend. It also reminds me of the redwood forests, whales, and Rosie O'Donnell.

Now why do I revisit Lisa's big ass ankles again? Well, the past few days have been a bit warm, so I took the kid's pants off and let them roll around in their onesies. While holding Andrew, I pulled his socks off and realized his little feet were cankle-ish just like Mama's! No joke, look!


Isn't it uncanny how much Andrew's chubby baby feet resembles Lisa's obese adult ankles? I immediately took Emma's socks off to look at her ankles, but guess what? Despite Emma's weight advantage over Andrew, her ankles were quite cute. They were not similar to Andrew's at all; I guess Emma has Daddy's feminine ankles.

I'm sure just like Lisa's cankles disappeared, so too will Andrew's. I explained to Andrew how he has feet like Mama's pregnant podiatric pachyderms, but as he gets older they would disappear. Sadly, Andrew had this reaction to my explanation, and it hasn't changed since.

Day 174 - Picture Friday

Although Andrew loves it when Mommy gives him a manicure, he's still a man's man.

"Mom...the nail gloss fumes...making me dizzy...feeling pewky..."

...okay...so...Andrew's not a man's man.

Emma imagines how much more delicious life would be if Lisa's nipples were like this toy.

Have a great weekend!

Day 173 - Author, Author

While up in Santa Clara, my cousin, Debbi, visited us at Grandma Ichinaga's house. It was a bit awkward because when she came practically all of Lisa's family was there: Grandma Ichinaga, Susan, Kerry, Kevin, Jamie, Shelvey, Joey, Rosa, Jason, Jacob, and Wes. The last time I saw so many Japanese in one room was a matinee of "Memoirs of a Geisha."

Funny enough, Debbi lives a very short distance from Lisa's mom's house -- only about ten or fifteen minutes. My cousin just moved to the Santa Clara area because her husband just started to work for Aple. I mean Appple. Dangit. Apple. My computer is acting up on me again. Gee...where could I get a new computer from? Only if I knew someone. Hmm...

I haven't seen Debbi for quite some time so it was nice to catch up with her. She is a young adult writer and one of her books was just published. It's a book all about China, and you can order it on Amazon (we just ordered one for Lisa's classroom). I just read it and thirty minutes later I was hungry for more. Here's a link to her Amazon page: CHINA.

Although the kids were due for their nap when Debbi visited, Andrew and Emma were well-behaved and pretty happy. Debbi held Andrew first, and of course Andrew had his goofy smile and slobbered all over his bib. Then it was Emma's turn to be held. And what did Debbi say when she held Emma? "Whoa! This one's heavier!"

I must tell you that although I tease Emma about her stoutness, I do understand that she isn't fat or overweight; it's just baby weight. But it amazes me how people just gravitate towards the topic of her weight (gravitational pull perhaps?). I went to the grocery store this week, and a little old lady started talking to me about the twins. And of course she had to tell me, "Wow. Your girl is a lot fatter than the boy." And I responded, "Wow. You're going to die a lot sooner than me."