Thursday, August 28, 2008

Day 340 - Jon and Kate, I Hate

Show offs.

There's this television show called "Jon and Kate Plus 8" on Lifetime or Oxygen or the Vagina Channel. I don't know which one it is. It's basically a video crew following the lives of this couple with eight kids. And Lisa loves this show. If she isn't watching it live, she's watching an episode on Tivo. This is her new obsession. Move over Wii Fit. Move over crack cocaine. Here comes Jon and Kate Plus 8.

I've seen a couple episodes and it just stresses me out. Just watching them doing something as mundane as making breakfast is stressful. You see the wife cutting bananas, dumping buckets of cereal into a trough, and pouring gallons of orange juice while eight hungry, crying, pooping, drooling kids are running around.

Of course there are cute moments in the show of the kids doing something like smearing their feces on the wall into the shape of a little bunny rabbit. But in between all of the cuteness, there really is something serious to be learned from this show: be careful what you do with your penis.

Sure the penis is great because while peeing it can suddenly remind you to buy mushrooms at the grocery store. But the penis can be a very, very dangerous thing. Not only can you attach a powerful laser device to it to kill your enemies, but you can very well end up having way too many babies. And what happens when you have too many kids? Have you ever heard the law of diminishing returns? It goes something like this with kids:

First child: Extremely happy.
Second child: Very happy.
Third child: Happy, but that's more than enough.
Fourth child: Confused. Why was there a hole in the diaphragm?
Fifth child: Good lord. I need a night job just to have time to myself.
Sixth child: We're tattooing "Do Not Enter" on your vagina.
Seventh child: That's it. I'm cutting off my penis.
Eighth child: I cut off my penis last year! What the hell happened?

I feel like we're more than busy enough dealing with twins. I don't need to watch a show that tells me how easy we have it. I do have to give kudos to that couple raising eight kids though. But like with most of life, you just have to play the hand you're dealt. You find the humor and happiness in it and you carry on. Unfortunately, I find no humor and happiness in raising eight children so excuse me while I delete all of the episodes from Tivo and have a mental breakdown in the bathroom.

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