Day 252 - Bad Picture Saturday

I was just going through some pictures that Lisa took of the kids earlier this week and laughed at how hilariously bad...err...interesting they are. Take a look and enjoy...if you can.

I suppose Lisa's left hand is much more interesting to look at than Emma and Andrew.

You can tell by Andrew's 1/2 of his left eye that he knows he was framed out of the picture.

You can tell by Andrew's ass that he knows he was framed out of the picture.

More bad pictures to come...

Day 251 - Picture Friday

"If you think this looks bad, wait until Dad sees what I did to his home entertainment center."

"Pay no attention to him. I'm much more enchanting anyways."

"I prefer my bunnies in a dutch oven stewing in a medley of onions, carrots, and celery."

"On your mark...get set...FART!"


Have a great weekend!

Day 250 - Muddy Waters

Growing up in an ultra-clean house, I always thought it was normal to take your shoes off before entering a house. It was not until I was older that I realized it was a Japanesey thing to do, and despite my Americanization I still take my shoes off where ever I live. Just makes a lot of sense to me that you would take your shoes off before walking around the house. And I don't judge people who don't do it...since they are not worth judging because they are filthy sub-humans and should all perish in an apocalyptic fire.

Yet there are times when I might walk around the house with my shoes on if I'm leaving and forget to grab something on a table or in the bedroom. When those moments occur, I do take large strides hoping not to spread my shoe germs all over the floor.

This morning, I was leaving for work but forgot my cell phone. I already had my shoes on so I just took large strides towards the phone. Grandma Ichikawa was eating her breakfast, and needless to say she was not happy to see my shoe germs spread across the floor every three feet (my legs are short so my stride isn't that big...sue me.).

"What are you dooooing? Dirty dirty! Don't walk around with shoe on!" said my mom with exasperation.

"Mom. I just have to grab my phone...and look I'm taking large strides."

"Kid play on rug and your dirty shoe going to get them sick. And you no take large stride. You have short leg."

I tried to reason with my mom. "Don't you know that studies show that it's actually not that good to keep your kids too clean? I've read that it's actually good to have your kids play in mud."

"Well dat make sense. Mud is clean."

Double take. Spit take. Eyes bug out.

"What? Mud is clean?"

"Yah! Mud clean. Your shoes is dirty though. Tsk tsk..."

I really should have left for work at this time, but I got dragged deeper into this conversation. "But how is mud any cleaner than my shoe? If I walk through mud, does that make my shoe clean? And if shoes are dirty, if they walk on dirt that turns into mud, does that make the mud dirty?"

"Your shoe dirty because outside is dirty with poo-poo and shi-shi (Japanese word for urine) and you walk all over sidewalk. But mud clean because mud made with water and water clean."

Convincing my mom that the rain would wash the sidewalk full of poo-poo and shi-shi into the dirt making mud filled with poo-poo and shi-shi did not work. I eventually left for work grumbling to myself that I spent way too much time arguing about the cleanliness of mud versus my shoes. And what do you know that walking to work from the parking lot, I stepped in a little bit of poop. But guess what I did? I wiped my shoes in dirt. SO THERE MOM! BOO-YAH!

Day 249 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 248 - Forget Me Not

During the weekday, I'm hardly home at all to see the kids. Not because work keeps me so busy, but the weekdays are the only time I can catch up on all of my summer movies. I might be able to get home in time once a week to put the kids to bed, otherwise Lisa puts the kids in front of our computer at home on the video chat so I can say good night to them from work. Sometimes the internet connection will die out and the transmission will end. And this got me to thinking that my streak of canceled television shows is so strong that I even cancel myself.

Occasionally when one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the night and the crying doesn't stop, I'll tumble out of bed to try and get them to shut up. I try the pacifier first, then I try patting, followed by duct tape, and finally carrying. One night when I ran out of duct tape, Andrew started to cry so I picked him up and tried to get him back to sleep. He calmed down a bit, but was still sniffling. Lisa came to check up on us, gave both of us a pat on the head (I don't think she meant to pat me on the head, but Lisa is blind without her glasses and Andrew does have a rather large head...), and went back to bed. But when Andrew saw Lisa leave his sight, his forehead wrinkled and then he started to cry!

I thought to myself that he couldn't possibly be a mama's boy this early on. So I just ignored it because how could the kids possibly prefer Lisa over happy-go-lucky me. But a few nights later, the same thing happened again! I was carrying Andrew, Lisa came to see him, she walked away, and then he cried. Personally, I think Lisa was devious and came to see us on purpose to see if he would cry when she walked away. She made quite a point to Andrew that she was leaving the room. How do I know that? Because Lisa said to Andrew, "I'm leaving the room!"

Could it be that because I'm not around the kids as much as Lisa that they are beginning to prefer her over moi? I do recall our pediatrician telling us at our last visit that infants around 8-12 months tend to prefer Mom over Dad, but it switches around age 2 when kids are much more intelligent and knowledgeable to make a decision over which parent is the better one (I hope Lisa isn't reading this...I really do prefer the bed over the sofa.).

Truthfully, it felt a little weird when Andrew started to cry in my arms when Lisa left the room. I know I prefer myself over Lisa, but then again I'm not an eight month old baby whose food pyramid consists of one food group: nipple. I'm sure there will be plenty of these awkward feelings and emotions in the future, but this was the first time for me. And I suppose this is a reflection of the bond I'm forming with our children. So thank you, Andrew, for rejecting me like the dozens of girls who rejected me during my school days. I can't wait to feel awkward again.

Day 247 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked when we should take the kids on an actual vacation, like Disneyland or a malaria-infested tour of Africa. Funny that during this 3-day weekend, half of you suggested we wait until the kids turn two or at a minimum, wait until they are out of college. That's quite a number of years with no vacation considering that by the time the kids graduate from a university I'll be in my mid-50s, and I'll have to return Lisa to her senior citizen community by 10pm lest I rile up a surly orderly.

Although I am months away from my current job from ending, when you work in the entertainment industry you always have to think a month or so ahead to figure out your next job. Lisa and I have discussed on and off whether or not I should take a little time off or just head straight into my next failure...err...savior of a television show. It really is an interesting choice to make especially since my career is based a lot upon momentum...albeit a downhill momentum. So what do you think? Should I actively look for the next job or spend a few months at home with the kids?

Day 246 - Crib Update

Quick update!!!

The cribs...

are...

finally...

being...

considered...

to be...

moved...

sooner...

than...

later.

More later!!!

Day 245 - 3 Day Holiday!

Since it's a three-day weekend, I'm going to take it easy and take a little break from the blog. I'll have new postings after the holiday!

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Day 244 - Picture Friday

"I'm gonna choke you!"

"hmm...tight ass."

"Broke? What's broke?"

"WAAH! DADDY'S WHITE!"

"Wait...so you're telling me if this towel was a vagina, this is the way we were born?"

Have a great weekend!

Day 243 - Eight Months Old

Yesterday the kids turned eight months old. Quite a bit has changed since last month: Emma is starting to babble more and have more of a personality; Andrew is on the cusp of learning to crawl; Emma's bald spot is completely gone; Andrew's bald spot is almost gone; and they both passed the LSAT and are currently applying to law schools.

As for the rest of us, Lisa only has 19 more working days before it's summer vacation. My job is about halfway done, and I'll be finished around the end of August. Grandma & Grandpa Ichikawa have only one more month here in Los Angeles before they return to Sacramento (until the next time we need them). And Kristi Yamaguchi kept her promise to my mom that she would win the Mirror Ball trophy on Dancing With the Stars.

"Yay! I'm eight months old!"

"I DON'T WANNA GET OLDER! WAAAAAAAH!"

Day 242 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 241 - Answers to Questions

Last Tuesday, I decided to try a little something different with the blog: a question and answer entry. You would ask the questions, and I or Lisa would answer them. It looks like out of a whopping 261 visitors last week, there are five questions. Oh well. Better than nothing. Let's start answering!!!

Question from Barney: When are you going to lower the cribs?

Answer: I know it has been a long time coming, but it will most likely be this weekend! Thanks for asking!

Question from Kerry (aka Intensive Pediatric Care Nurse Auntie Susan): Okay, for starters...when are you going to show a picture of both crib mattresses lowered? Next, why didn't you move the cribs into the other room...the kids told me they have a hard time sleeping due to your snoring. The kids want to know when they get ice cream. Did you know that both Emma and Andrew called and told me that they think I'm wonderful? Why didn't you show the kids with their bears last month? OK, that's enough for now.

Answer: 1) Emma's mattress doesn't need to be lowered because her weight naturally weighs it down. 2) The cribs will be moved this weekend, and they don't have a hard time sleeping due to my snoring but rather my mistress's screams of joy. 3) The kids will get ice cream when they stop asking stupid questions like "When do we get ice cream?" 4) I did know Emma and Andrew called you and said you're wonderful. But you hung up before they could finish their sentence which was "you're wonderful at driving our dad crazy." 5) And we didn't show the kids with their bears because they now have a fear of fuzzy, hairy things ever since they saw my bare back and Lisa's butt.

Question from Not Bernard: When are you going to lower the crib?

Answer: I said...this...weekend.

Question from Bernard: CRIB LOWER NOW!

Answer: THAT'S NOT EVEN A QUESTION! AND I SUSPECT YOU'RE ALSO NOT BERNARD!

Question from Anonymous: stop thinking and do it

Answer: I'm not too sure what...umm...do what? I mean...stop thinking about...

...

FINE FINE FINE!!! I'LL MOVE THE CRIBS! LEAVE ME ALONE! AAAAAHHHH!!! NO MORE QUESTION AND ANSWER ENTRIES EVER AGAIN! THE LAST TWO WEREN'T EVEN QUESTIONS! ONE WAS AN EXCLAMATION AND THE OTHER DIDN'T HAVE ANY PUNCTUATION AT ALL! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! AAAAAHHHHHH! I'M GOING TO SLEEP!

Day 240 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked if there should be a certain name order when we introduce the kids. Emma and Andrew? Andrew and Emma? Just recently I realized an anagram for "Emma and Andrew" is "Mad Drawn Enema" which I proposed to Lisa, but once again she poo-pooed a brilliant idea.

For whatever reason, the poll results show that there is a slight preference to introducing the kids by birth order which would be Emma and Andrew. The runner-up choice was to rename Andrew to Emma which would have involved expensive surgery, so we're glad that was not the winning choice. And by "we" I of course mean Andrew's penis and testicles.

I was talking to my friend, Bernard, on the phone last night, and he mentioned that they were going on a family trip to Las Vegas this Memorial Day weekend. He has a daughter who is a few months older than our kids -- actually almost a year old now! The only trips the Ichikawa family has made so far has been to Northern California, and the occasional trips Lisa has made with her best friend, Mr. Concrete Sidewalk.

The kids are going to turn eight months in a few days, and this got me to thinking: What would be an appropriate age to take them on an actual vacation? Like Disneyland? Legoland? Las Vegas? A Brazilian rainforest?

Day 239 - Stupid Idea

I've mentioned before that Andrew is a very active baby. He loves to look at things, grab things, bite things. He just likes things in general. For the most part you can just watch him and it's an entertaining way to spend a good five to ten minutes. But after ten minutes it gets very boring so you just toss him into a playpen, stick a pacifier in his mouth, and leave the condo for an hour or two to get your mind active again.

What is particularly difficult is getting Andrew dressed after his bath. Once washed up, we put him on our bed in his baby towel. And when the towel opens up, it becomes a free for all. He twists and contorts his little baby body into ways that would get most Asian people a three-year contract with Cirque du Soleil.

Obviously, dressing the infantile contortionist is quite the chore. As soon as you get one foot through his pajama, Andrew will twist around and make it impossible for you to grab his other foot. It soon becomes a tedious game of flopping Andrew on his back over and over again.

Being an occasional impatient parent, I had enough of this sizzling bacon routine with Andrew. I decided that I would figure out a way to get him dressed faster. So one night as I was trying to get Andrew's pajamas on, I decided to sit on him. Obviously, I didn't put all of my weight on him but I still got my legs around his lower body so he couldn't move around as much. And guess what? It was MUCH easier to get him dressed. I was quite proud of myself and this simple solution to this ongoing nuisance. Andrew wasn't very happy I was on top of him, but it would be just for a short amount of time. Actually, a much shorter amount of time because...

...he kicked me in the balls.

Yup.

As I straddled my little boy, he used his little baby legs to make the church bells chime in my pants. Andrew made his point and Daddy learned his lesson: Daddy will never, ever, ever bathe Andrew again.

Day 238 - Pretzel Maven Returns

Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) visited us this weekend because she was back in town for a work retreat. The competition with Wetzel's Pretzels has been deadly serious and they are brainstorming ways to combat their declining sales. My sister came up with the idea of a light deep-fried pretzel stick covered with cinnamon sugar. I told her it's already called a churro. And I wasn't about to tell her her idea of a flat round pretzel covered with tomato sauce, cheese, and pepperoni has been around since the 16th century.

I wasn't around when Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) arrived at our place from her retreat because I was still at work. But my parents said that when she picked up the kids, both of them started to cry. My parents and Lisa attributed their whiny demeanor to stranger anxiety. But I know better. I think the kids were pissed off at Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) for not giving their beloved Daddy a birthday present...SINCE...JANUARY! Of course, I could care less, but I really do think the kids are very sensitive and hurt that their only sister...err...aunt would forget about my...err...their dad's birthday.

I don't have any pictures of the kids being frightened by their auntie, but I pulled a couple of pictures from the past that probably can dramatize the fear and terror while being held by Anne:

"Father...Mother...Why must these foreign hands contaminate my youthful skin?"

"This stranger smells like ass."

We don't have any big plans this weekend with Anne. Since it's so hot this weekend, we'll probably get out of the valley and stroll around an outside mall in the early morning. And I also think we'll celebrate Anne's birthday tonight (it was May 5th). Perhaps if there's a little leftover cake and frosting, we can celebrate my birthday too if Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) has a gift for me. Not that I care. I really could give a hoot about a gift. It doesn't matter if I have an Amazon wish list with the following items that could easily be purchased at Best Buy which is a 1/2 mile from our place: Grand Theft Auto IV, Assassin's Creed, No Country For Old Men, Blade Runner, or Guitar Hero. Doesn't matter at all...

Day 237 - Picture Friday

"HAHAHA! I look ridiculous!!!"

Emma is shocked at Andrew's amateurish "copping a feel" move especially because she's his sister.

"Chocolate? What chocolate?"

"Help...my ass is stuck."

"I know...(tug)...if I suck more...(suck)...I'll get more milk because...(bite)...it works on...(grind)...Mom's boobs."

Have a great weekend!

Day 236 - Balls of Fun

We're not too sure when it happened, but the kids seem to be interacting a little more with each other. Before they could care less what the other one was doing. Andrew could've been toppling over his crib to the floor, and Emma wouldn't even have cared. But maybe within the past week or two, they're becoming a little bit more alert and aware. So if Andrew fell over the crib now, Emma would've been like Intensive Pediatric Care Nurse Auntie Susan and nag poor Daddy to death to lower that damn crib.

The interactivity is kept to a minimum though. They don't make each other laugh or smile. But they do notice each other and are sometimes interested in what the other one is doing. Just last night, Andrew was on the computer researching crib safety and Emma was very curious.

I posted a series of pictures below showing the kids kind of playing with each other. Just look at the pictures in sequential order and you can see them fighting over this toy ball.




Sadly the memory card filled up so I can only describe to you the last picture. Basically, Emma's anger took over and she took her right hand and went for Andrew's testicles. As she squeezed them, Andrew screamed and let go of the ball. Emma immediately took the toy ball back, and Andrew learned a valuable lesson: His balls do not play music and are not meant to be played with.

**********

Also don't forget about Tuesday's Q & A entry. Keep on sending your questions! And...well...I don't mind if they VARY a little...grumble...

Day 235 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 234 - Question & Answer Time

This isn't going to be a weekly feature, but I thought I'd see how a little Q&A would work out on this blog. Besides that I'm pretty tired and lazy and wanna go to sleep...

Anyhoo...if you have any questions you want to ask Lisa or me this is your chance. There are no dumb questions, just dumb people. So if you're wondering what it's like raising twins or why Grandma Ichikawa is so loony, go for it!

So please leave your questions in the comment section of this entry. It's really easy to do. Just click "comments" at the end of this entry and type away! Or if that is too daunting for you, go ahead and email your questions to:

edamamesinapod@gmail.com.

Lisa and I will answer them next Tuesday.

I'm not too sure how well this whole participation thing is going to work, but this site averages around 250-300 hits a week. So I'm hoping at the very least Intensive Pediatric Care Nurse Auntie Susan will ask when I'm going to lower the crib.

Day 233 - Poll Results & New Poll

Lisa and I had a pooping problem. Not us personally -- we have wonderfully, clean poops every day. But Emma and Andrew were pooping way too many times in one day. There were days when they would each do(o) six or seven anal pudding pops. Granted some of them were the exact size of my front tooth (don't ask how I know), but that's still some major excrement action.

So last week I asked whether or not we should be concerned about this situation. The poll results are in and the answer is...A TIE! Half of you think it's not a big deal at all and the other half of you think we should give the poops to Grandma Ichikawa. To break the tie, I tossed a two-headed coin and guess what? Grandma Ichikawa is going to get a special present tomorrow morning.

For this week's poll, this question came up to me as I was preparing the second bedroom for the kids (yes...we've STILL haven't moved them into the other bedroom yet...leave me alone.). Lisa painted these block letters that spell out Andrew's and Emma's name. We're going to hang them on the wall over the cribs. But then I didn't know whether or not to put Andrew's name first on the wall or Emma. And that got me to thinking if there should be a certain order to their names when we introduce them. If we go by who's older, it would be Emma and Andrew. If we go by alphabetical order, it would be Andrew and Emma. If we went by heaviest to lightest, it would be Emma, then an elephant, a donkey, a large dog, a fruit cake, and then Andrew. How do you think we should introduce the kids?

******************

As a side note, for those of you who have been watching Dancing With the Stars, my mom is absolutely convinced the judges are unfairly judging Kristi "She's Japanese!" Yamaguchi. Tonight after a routine that was by far the most technically challenging one out of all the competitors -- or...err...so I've heard -- two judges gave her a 9. I knew this would upset my mom so I called her. The conversation went a little like this:

Scott: Hey, so the judges didn't give her a perfect 10.

Mom: I KNOOOOOW! I am SO mad. What wrong with dem! I'm going to KILL dem!

Scott: Whoa...that's pretty harsh.

Mom: Why give one-armed man better score dan Kristi. Oooooo. SO mad. I'm going to hang up and throw phone. Good BYE!

Day 232 - Happy Mother's Day

Today was Lisa's first official Mother's Day (we don't count her illegitimate ones). I told her the night before that because it was her special day I would not use any of the following phrases that I so often use:

"Shuddup, you whore!"
"Stop being a dumbass, you whore!"
"Your pimp is on the phone, you whore!"

And if you don't mind a little self-praise, I didn't use any of those phrases at all. I figure that's the very least I could do to show my appreciation to that whore, my wife.

In the morning, I made Lisa a breakfast of a mushroom and cheddar omelet, turkey bacon, and cranberry chocolate chip scones. After she ate, I did all of the dishes and proceeded to vacuum the entire apartment and throw out the trash. By the end of all of this, it was time to put the kids down for their mid-morning nap.

This was the perfect time for me to sneak out and do a little last minute shopping for Lisa and my mom. I decided to go to Costco because I had to buy my sister, Anne (pretzel maven), her birthday present and some assorted groceries. There was this entire area full of flowers and bouquets so I bought my mom this gigantic purple orchid in a glass vase and got Lisa a gigantic bunch of red roses. I quickly went through Costco to finish up my shopping so I could get home before the kids woke up.

As I put my items into the trunk of my car in this large Costco reusable bag, this guy who was parked right in front me had a dead battery. He asked for a jump. So I got into my car, popped the hood, started the car, and the guy had his motor up and running. He said thanks, and I slammed my trunk.

When I got back home, I opened the trunk and was greeted with a big surprise. No, the stuff wasn't stolen. But they were certainly soaked. You see, when I went to Costco I left with my travel mug of morning coffee. And when I put the stuff in my trunk, I left my coffee in the Costco bag. Unfortunately the whole battery situation caused me to forget I left my java in the bag, and I drove home with the coffee spilling all over my food, gifts, and flowers. Needless to say, none of this would've happened if there was not such a day as Mother's Day.

For the next 15-20 minutes, Lisa and I were in the kitchen cleaning everything that got wet in the Costco bag. It was so bad that I had to wipe dry every tomato and blueberry that was drenched in a wet aroma of Columbia coffee. From a rating of 1 to 10, I'd have to give it the number SUCK BIG TIME.

Anyway, the rest of the day was hopefully great for Lisa. We took a nice walk down the street to get some sushi for lunch. When we got back home, the kids went down for a nap and we caught up on a bunch of tv shows we tivo'd. And for dinner my parents came over, and we ordered some really good Italian food around the corner from us.

Before we went to sleep, we started to look at some pictures of the kids when they were just born. It's hard to believe just seven months ago they were these little blobs with four appendages (I suppose five for Andrew...ifyouknowwhatimean...). And here they are today looking like my great-uncle: slightly bald with one tooth.

Happy Mother's Day!