Today I took the kids out on one of their favorite mid-week outings: Target. Target is one of those places where you can fill up your shopping cart with seemingly unrelated yet related items. For instance, tube socks and paint = making sock puppets; canteen and batteries = weekend hiking trip; maxipads and duct tape = Lisa's Valentine's Day present.
While I was walking past an elevator, I saw this young mother come out pushing her baby daughter in a stroller. As she passed behind me, I heard her say to her friend, "Uh-uh-uuuuuh! No way in HELL I'm having two kids! No...WAY!"
What the hell was that about? At first I just shrugged it off, but as I finished my shopping I became very irritated and annoyed with what she said. I don't go around judging other people with the number of kids they have. Although that woman who had the octuplets is just a dumbass. No way in HELL I'm having eight kids! No...WAY!
So as a way to deal with my aggravation, I have made a top ten list of things I wish I said to the woman at Target. Here we go...
10) If my hands weren't full of Cheerios and sippy cups, I'd slap you.
9) I bet your child's second word after "dada" was "big fat whore mama."
8) If looks could kill, the birth of your child should've killed the entire nursing staff.
7) Aisle four! Dumbass woman! Aisle four!
6) On behalf of penises everywhere, thank you for not wanting another baby.
5) If you're looking for your husband, he's buying your Valentine's Day gift: a brown paper bag and a muzzle.
4) You're lucky my kids are strapped in their stroller otherwise Emma would sit on you while Andrew stabs you with his hair.
3) Would you like to meet my children? Here's my daughter, F, and my son, U.
2) You should try having a second child if you can find another horse to impregnate you.
1) ...bitch...
Hmmm...I feel much better now. Aren't Emma and Andrew lucky to have such a mature father like me?
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