Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Day 502 - Poop the Bubbly

I don't mean to write so much about poop, but as a parent of toddlers much of your day is spent dealing with poop. Additionally as a person who finds poopy humor absolutely fascinating and hilarious, I enjoy writing about poop.

As you know, Emma has been sick. Last Friday, she had diarrhea and a fever; she probably caught what Lisa still has now. Emma's fever broke on Sunday, but her poops were still very sickly. No longer were they the brave, sturdy redwoods that Emma is known for. Sadly, her poops became a pasty, depressing batch of generic pudding.

What was unusual about her poops was that they became this very pasty white color. You could almost put a dollop of it on top of a cupcake and sell it as Vanilla Bean frosting -- except for the excruciating smell of feces. I decided to look this up on the internet and found that this could be a pretty serious sign of illness.

Basically, there are three colors of poop that are bad: white, red, and black. If your poop is white that means that there could possibly be something wrong with your liver. Long story short, no bile is being released from the liver and bile is what gives your poop that strong, autumn brown color. I called our doctor, and she told us to not give her milk for a day, give her Pedialyte, and to call her again if her poop continues to be white.

So imagine our worry over Emma's poop. I was so anxious for Emma to poop again so I could see whether or not she was getting better. It was like Christmas Eve and Emma's diaper was my present. Would her diaper have a 50" LCD 1080p television set (i.e. brown poop) or socks (i.e. white poop)? The last time I checked someone's underwear so often, it was middle school and I was placed in juvie for three months.

This morning, Emma took a pretty solid crap after a day of no milk. It wasn't white, but I couldn't tell what color it was. I called Lisa over to give me her opinion. This whole situation must've looked pretty surreal. We had Emma on the changing table half-naked while Lisa and I were staring at a piece of crap. The last time I stared at someone's piece of crap so long it was high school and I was placed in therapy for three months.

Lisa and I finally decided that Emma's crap was not white, but rather a very pale greenish/yellow. I called our doctor and told her our good news. Our doctor told us that it is good news and it looks like Emma is on the mend. After we hung up, I got even more good news. Emma crapped again, and it was pasty yellow! Pop the bubbly and pass the cigars! My baby girl crapped yellow diarrhea!

I never thought in a million years that I would be able to deal with all of the messy and disgusting things that come along with raising a child. But here I am writing eight paragraphs about how thrilled I am that Emma's poop went from pasty white to pasty yellow. All I can say is that if I continue to write this blog through Emma's teenage years, I'm sure I will have some thrilling stories about menstruation...that is if Emma will allow me to write about it.

No comments: