Day 520 - Balloons!

One of the pleasures of watching your child grow up is seeing them react to things for the first time. I remember the first time Emma and Andrew saw a dog: they smiled. The first time Emma and Andrew heard a fire engine siren: they cried. The first time they saw my elementary school pictures: they cornered me and took my milk money.

A little over a week ago, Lisa brought home something the kids never saw before: genital herpes. Then a few days after that Lisa brought home a balloon bouquet.

When the kids saw the balloons they didn't know what to say. Granted the kids don't say anything, but they were silent with awe. Lisa put the balloons down in the middle of the room, and the kids initially stayed away from it. After a few seconds, Emma took the first step forward and touched a balloon. When she touched the balloon, I jokingly screamed, "Don't touch it! It's gonna explode and gouge your eyes out!" Boy, that was a hoot!

After Andrew observed that the balloons weren't going to attack him, he also stepped forward to touch them. What I find interesting about Andrew is that despite his boyish hyperactivity and recklessness, he is often tentative about new things. Andrew will watch Emma do something first, and then follow her lead. Hopefully this behavior will not carry into the teenage years when Emma begins wearing make-up.

The kids found it fascinating that no matter what they did with this object to keep it down, it would always come back up (unlike my honeymoon night...). Andrew started to get a little rough with the balloons, and Lisa and I were getting fearful that one of them would pop and scar the kids for life. So we pulled him back and asked him to calm down. You know, a parental request that always works with a 16 month year old boy.

During Andrew's cool down time, Emma was having fun playing with the balloons by herself. When we let Andrew back into action, Emma was not happy about it. Here are some pictures that show what happened:

Notice Andrew in the background approaching the balloons after his stay in solitary.

So far so good -- except for Andrew's goofy face.

Oh oh. Emma takes the balloons away from Andrew.

Emma hides in the corner behind the sofa, but Andrew finds her. Perhaps what gave her away were the balloons that were floating five feet above her.

Emma makes a break for it!

Andrew falls while chasing Emma, and once again, Emma doesn't realize the balloons are giving away her hiding place.

Day 519 - Picture Friday

I can't tell if they're hugging or fighting...

Fighting. Definitely fighting.

Emma was caught red-handed stealing Andrew's stash of Cheerios, stacking cups, and androgynous dolls.

Ye who smelt it, dealt it.

It took them one minute to figure out how to climb up, but it took them one day to figure out how to get down.

Have a great weekend!

Day 518 - Bad Impressions

Why is it that many children toys and books relate to barn animals? Aren't we way past the whole agrarian society? Is it really that useful for toddlers to know what a Bantam rooster is? I can think of many other things that we could read to our kids that would be much more relevant to their little needs like how to install RAM into a computer or how to apply for student loans (You can never start too early!).

I bring up this whole barn animal thing because Lisa was reading this book called "Big Red Barn" to the kids. It's a pretty cute book about what the barn animals do when there are no humans around. When I first read the book, I thought the animals were going all "Lord of the Flies" on each other, but it did not. Basically, the animals just have a good old time, go to sleep in the barn, and murder the scarecrow. Generic kiddie story.

What is inevitable with these animal books is that whether or not the text cues you to make animal sounds, as a parent you automatically make them. As Lisa was doing her animal impressions, I noticed that they all sounded very similar.

Lisa would do her horse sound: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

Lisa would do her cow sound: Mehhhhhhhhhh.

Lisa would do her cat sound: Mmmmmmmmeh.

I couldn't decide if it was the sound of a slaughtered cow or the sound from octogenarian porn. Either way, it was really awful.

I started to make fun of Lisa, and she couldn't help but laugh at herself because she realized how bad her animal sounds were. All the while, Emma and Andrew just stared at us with bewildered eyes. And if not bewildered, eyes that said, "Is there a return policy with these parents?"

Hopefully, I didn't make Lisa feel too self-conscious of her animal sound abilities because the kids do enjoy having books read by Mommy. But if Lisa ever makes that sound in bed with me, I'm going to have to call it a night. No ifs, ands, or mmmeeeehhhhs.

Day 517 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 516 - Do You Understand the Words Coming Out of My Mouth?

Sometimes I'm amazed by how much the kids understand what we say. Today, I was talking to myself -- which I believe is a stay-at-home disease -- wondering what was on television tonight. And before you could say "pathetic", Andrew ran to our sofa thinking it was time for him to watch television. As for Emma, I was on the phone asking someone where they would want to "meet", and Emma was suddenly at my legs with a slab of flank steak.

But what drives me crazy is that in spite of them beginning to communicate with us, there are a few words that they are very good at not understanding. Here are the words and/or phrases they do not yet understand: "no", "don't do that", "don't touch that", "stop it", and "get out of the hazardous waste container."

This morning I was brushing Andrew's teeth in the bathroom, and Emma walked in.

"Emma, please go to the living room," I said.

Emma ignored me. She began to touch all of the bathroom towels.

"Emma, don't touch."

Emma pulled a towel to the floor.

"Emma, stop doing that."

Emma pulled all of the towels to the floor.

"Emma, leave the towels alone."

Emma picked up the towels.

"Emma, don't drop the towels in the trash."

Suffice to say, she ignored every single one of my requests including the ultimatum, "If you flush one more towel down the toilet, Mommy will hit Daddy."

Andrew displays the same behavior, except in some ways it's a little worse. With Emma, she totally ignores you. But with Andrew, it feels like he's testing you. For instance, if Andrew is throwing blocks at Emma, I'll tell him to stop and throw something softer like a plastic ball. Andrew will stop, turn his head towards you in acknowledgment, and then without looking away will throw one last block at Emma.

I want to believe that because the kids are so young, they don't know any better. They're too curious and are just beginning to learn cause and effect. But something deep inside me believes that this behavior that is slightly amusing and annoying will turn into something horrendous and ulcer-producing in about thirteen years. I guess only time and stomach acids will tell.

Day 515 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked how to keep 16 month year old twins entertained inside all day. The results are in and it was a tie! Forty-two percent of you thought I should entertain them with games (i.e. peek-a-boo, hide and seek, beer pong) and forty-two percent also thought I should do anything and everything to keep the little tykes occupied. Surprisingly, those of you who read this blog are a bunch of television snobs because not one of you voted for that option. All I can say about that is one of two things: 1) You are lying that you never let your kids watch television, or 2) you are lying that you never let your kids watch television.

During the cold and rainy weather, I pretty much tried anything to keep the kids occupied. We played games, danced to music, watched a little television (Poop on you, television snobs! The kids find "The L Word" very entertaining.), and did some coloring. What I also found out that works is swapping out toys on a weekly basis. I'll put away a few toys in the closet and then take them out later. And the stupid lil' kids think they're brand-new toys! If they keep this mentality up until they turn sixteen, I can surprise them each with a "new" car.

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Now that we have been introducing more foods to Emma and Andrew, the kids are becoming more particular over the foods they eat. Whereas before they would eat steamed chicken breast and steamed vegetables, they now have a palate for more tasty foods like brisket and fried cheese sticks.

We got to the point where we would have to feed the kids vegetables by mixing it into different foods like rice, scrambled eggs, and fried cheese sticks. The kids used to love eating rice with smashed vegetables in it, but recently they have been spitting it out. Yesterday for dinner, I tried a little experiment. I prepared their rice with the smashed veggies in it, but I added a dash of salt to it. And guess what? They ate up their rice! They really are Japanese!

This week I ask whether or not you think it's okay to flavor their food with stuff like salt, catsup, and the Bhut Jolokia chili*.

*Guiness Book of World Records -- the world's hottest pepper.

Day 514 - Mess Hall

Meal time with the kids is an absolutely tiring chore for me. Despite their small tummies, little mouths, and tiny hands, they make a big ass mess. After all of the time you take making and preparing the food, most of it ends up on the floor...and their hair and clothes and face and nostrils and any other orifice that isn't covered in clothing. God forbid you're feeding them without their pants on.

Last week, I took my camcorder and recorded the kids eating their lunch. I won't be spoiling anything by announcing that Emma has a healthy appetite and focused intently on her food. But take a look at our hyper, little Andrew.

Day 513 - Abracabaddad

As a child I was always interested in magic. How do you pull a rabbit out of a hat? How do you cut a woman in half? How do you change your baby sister into the puppy dog you always wanted (Hint: Going to the animal shelter asking for a trade does not work.)?

Last night, I decided to try a little magic trick on Emma and Andrew. In their bedroom, they have a small and a big Mickey Mouse doll. It's the traditional Mickey with the red pants and no shirt (i.e. the sexy Mickey).

I had a large box and without letting the kids see, I put the large Mickey in it. I called the kids over to me and showed them the small Mickey doll. I dropped the small Mickey into the box, shook the box, and hid the small doll under my lap. And then I dramatically raised the box over my head and dumped out the large Mickey Mouse. The kids were stunned! David Blaine, eat your heart out! I can do stupid, gimmicky tricks just as well as you.

The kids seemed so entertained, I decided to do an encore performance. After I did the whole switch-a-roo, I once again raised the box over my head and dumped out the large Mickey doll. Sadly, the reaction to my magic act was different. Andrew was still in awe, but Emma puckered her lower lip and looked scared. She stepped away from me, cried, and ran out of the room.

Lisa came into the room asking what I did to scare poor Emma. I performed my acclaimed magical illusion to Lisa, and when I transformed small Mickey into big Mickey, Emma once again cried. Lisa walked out of the room muttering something under her breath. At least she didn't call me a dumbass...

...she called me a jackass.

I guess I'll have to hold off my voodoo magic for awhile until Emma gets over her scaredy cat ways -- which may be quite some time. As for Andrew, the next morning I saw him tossing the small and big Mickey dolls in the same box trying to perform some magic of his own. Maybe if he has an interest in magic when he gets older, I'll get him a large box and teach him how to saw his mom in half. And when he gets really good, maybe he can perform a miracle and try to make his mom balance her checkbook correctly.

Day 512 - Picture Friday

"Hello? I'd like to order 30 gallons of apple sauce!"

"...seemed like a good idea at the time..."


"Please! Don't show the picture!"

Sorry Andrew...had to show the picture.

Have a great weekend!

Day 511 - Smile?

Recently, Emma has been trying to do facial expressions. She's not very good at it yet, but she's at least making an attempt. Emma has two sets of expressions for a variety of emotions. I've broke them down into two categories:

SQUINTY EYES AND A SMIRK
Smiling
Happy

WIDE OPEN EYES AND AN OPEN MOUTH
Surprised
Angry

Andrew hasn't been working on his facial expressions as much as Emma, but he does wide open eyes and an open mouth when you mention one of three things: Farmer Dick, Palm Tree doll, and banana. I think in the corner of my eye, he did the same expression as I was eating a burrito and asparagus stalks. What's up with this kid?

Here's a quick video of Emma trying to smile:

Day 510 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 509 - Beautiful Baby Contest

Lisa loves watching Live with Regis and Kelly. She Tivos it every morning and watches the first 15-20 minutes of the show with all of that Regis banter. When the show was searching for Kathie Lee's replacement, I remember Lisa contemplating sending in an audition tape. She never did, but Lisa certainly has a Regis fetish. She's OUT OF CONTROL!

Every year the show has a Beautiful Baby contest. You send or e-mail the show a picture of your kid, and if your child wins the contest you get some prizes. I think you get a $125,000 college scholarship and a Regis action doll.

Lisa really wanted to enter Emma and Andrew in the contest. I'm not a big fan of the whole baby picture contest. There's just something a little whorish about trying to make your child a star. Since I've worked on quite a few television shows with children actors, you witness some behavior -- usually by the parents -- which is pretty disturbing and ugly. Shouldn't you be able to enjoy the beauty of your child in your own home with your own family and friends? Why is it necessary to make a contest out of it? But...$125,000 is a lot of money so screw it. Emma and Andrew are damn cute and I know there are a lot of ugly babies out there so we must have a fighting chance! Bring it on, homely babies!

After reading the rules, the picture had to be no more than a month old and multiple birth children must be treated as one entry. We didn't have many cute pictures of Emma and Andrew together because most of them involve Emma crying. Seriously, look:



So I ended up picking two separate pictures of the kids and stitched it together. After formatting it to the correct file size, I filled out the online application and sent it off. I really don't know how they judge these contests when they must receive hundreds of thousands of pictures. What are the qualifications for a beautiful baby? Large eyes? Big smile? Six pack abs?

I have no great expectations that we're going to win the contest, but like Lisa says, "You'll never win, if you don't try...you dumbass." I'm happy enough to know our kids are healthy and are much cuter than their non-threatening, let's-just-be-friends, Alan Ruck-looking dad.

Wish the kids luck and here's the photo we submitted:


P.S. Andrew is on the left, and Emma is on the right.

Day 508 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked what I should do about our kids' jealousy issues. Fifty-six percent thought I should be diplomatic and pay attention to both kids. Surprisingly, thirty-one percent thought I should ignore the MPAA and allow the kids to watch "Fatal Attraction" to learn the dangers of jealousy. Since the votes were relatively close, I decided to try both approaches on Emma and Andrew. Although it is more difficult to pay attention to both kids at the same time, it does seem to calm down the jealous child fairly quick. And the only result of the kids watching "Fatal Attraction" is that they have a craving for rabbit stew.

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Lately, the weather has been pretty cold and rainy -- at least for Los Angeles. Whenever it rains more than a few days in a row and the temperature drops below 60 degrees, the whole city goes into a panic. There are Stormwatch '09 weather segments, drivers freak out on the freeways, and the Los Angeles River fills up emitting the natural scent of urine and feces. Let's go rafting!

Due to the inclement weather, I haven't taken the kids outside. It's unfortunate because they really enjoy walking around and going for strolls to the local Best Buy. Since the kids are a lot more active and seek stimulus now, sometimes I don't know what to do with them. It's especially difficult because everyone has different interests. Emma enjoys books, Andrew enjoys running around, and I enjoy extremely violent and gory video games (not to mention the occasional soft-core porn...).

So all of you experienced parents out there, what do you with your kids all day when you can't take them outside? Do you play DVDs for them? Do you play music for them? Do you play Trivial Pursuit with them and kick their ass at it every single time?

Day 507 - Maine's a Paine

Emma loves books. All day long she wants us to read books to her. For the most part, I find most of these children books pretty entertaining. Goodnight, Moon is a classic. I love to Pat the Bunny. Goodnight, Gorilla is pretty funny. And Maus is just plain fun for the whole family.

But there is this one book that I can't stand to read. It's called Good Night, Maine. Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan bought this book for the kids when they visited the East Coast. It was very nice of her to buy the book for the kids, but damn if it doesn't bore me to death.

Let me share my pain with you and take you page by page through the book:

Page 1/2: Good morning, Atlantic Ocean. Are we ready to share a wonderful day? Good morning, fisherman. Good morning, whales' tales, rising out of the waves.

First of all, opening up the book with "good morning" when the book's title is "Good Night Maine" reinforces the rip-off association with actual classic titles like "Good Night Moon." Secondly, the illustration makes it look like the fisherman just killed the whales. Good eats.

Page 3/4: Good morning, seagulls, squawking above the crashing surf. Good morning, Acadia National Park.

What's odd about the illustration here is that along the rocks where the waves are crashing are two little kids. The kids are just smiling away sitting on the ledge awaiting their unfortunate fall into the ocean. Time to say, "Good morning, vultures."

Page 5/6: Hello, black bears and butterfly. Aren't wild blueberries tasty?

That's right, children. When visiting Maine, don't only say hello to butterflies, but also say hello to our wild bears. They're equally harmless.

Page 7/8: Hello, lobsters. Isn't it cold down there on the ocean floor?

Hey, lobsters? What's that on the ocean floor? Hundreds of copies of the book "Good Night Maine"?

Page 9/10: Ride the river, rafters, kayakers, and canoeists!

Doesn't that sentence seem weird? When in Maine, ride our rivers AS WELL as rafters, kayakers, and canoeists. So jump in the river and while you're at it, hump a canoeist.

Page 11/12: Ahoy there, boats, sailing around Maine's lovely islands. Good day to you, children and beach, sand castle and seashells.

I once knew a woman named Maine who also had lovely islands.

Page 13/14: Hello, great Maine woods. Hello, lumberjack. Good evening, loons and lake. Good evening, autumn sunset.

There's an illustration of the gayest lumberjack ever. He has a gigantic phallic axe over his shoulder. Might as well have put the axe in his mouth.

Page 15/16: Hello, moose and country road. Be careful of the car!

Doesn't this page imply that the car is about to hit the moose? For instance, let's rewrite this passage differently: Hello, homeless man and train tracks. Be careful of the train!

Page 17/18: Good night, starlight and moonshine, sparkling above Mount Katahdin. Sleep tight puffins. Sleep tight, seals. Isn't it cozy to snuggle with your family?

Page seventeen and finally a good night. Instead of clubbing the seals, could you please club me instead?

Page 19/20: It's nice to meet you, people, pets, and village. Good night. Shine bright all night, lighthouse. Good night, Maine. Thank you for sharing a wonderful day.

(This is where Scott tries to slit his wrists.)

Okay. Maybe it might not sound that awful to you, but to say aloud things like Acadia National Park and Mount Katahdin to a sixteen month year old girl is just strange to me. I'll keep on playing along with Emma and read the book to her as long as she wants. But I'm getting very nervous right now because I just found out that Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan is about to visit Vermont, Kansas, and Wisconsin.

Day 506 - Happy Valentine's Day

To all newlyweds, couples, and married people without kids, I want to say, "Happy Valentine's Day." And to all of you people with babies and infants, I want to say, "It's Saturday."

Celebrating special days like Valentine's Day, wedding anniversaries, and Lisa's bi-monthly showers don't necessarily disappear, but they certainly change when you have kids. Having to entertain twins when they don't entertain each other exhausts us. By the end of the day, Lisa and I are strewn silently on the sofa comforted by the gentle beeps and boops of our Tivo.

For this Valentine's Day, I didn't have a chance to go shopping so I combined Lisa's gift shopping with our weekend errands; I bought her gift at Target. In past years, I probably would've gone shopping at Century City or mugged a rich, elderly, wheelchair-bound woman (Last year, I got Lisa this great brooch from this purple haired lady.) But Target actually has a wide selection of romantic gifts. You could buy something fragrant like Bounce, something shiny like aluminum foil, or something sexy like exercise bras.

I had to pick something quickly because Andrew was having a meltdown in the stroller. He ran out of Cheerios and there's no way Emma was going to give up any of hers. I noticed in the corner of my eye that there was a new dvd box set of that damn Jon & Kate Plus 8 show. Against my better judgment I grabbed that as well as this book they wrote about raising their kids. Here's a picture of Lisa with her gifts:


As for myself, Lisa went to Best Buy earlier in the week to get my gift. What could it be? A new television set? A HD Tivo? My very own Geek Squad? Nope! Look what I got:

It's a can opener. Next door to Best Buy is a grocery store, and Lisa bought me a can opener there. Gee, thanks Lisa. At least I can use it to open a can of whoop ass. Actually, Lisa also got me a blu-ray movie at Best Buy -- Steel Magnolias. There's nothing more sexy than Olympia Dukakis and watching someone's daughter die of a diabetic seizure. Happy Valentine's to me!

As for the kids, they celebrated today by opening some gifts. Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa Ichikawa got Emma and Andrew a new outfit and books. And we just got the kids some clothes. Here are a few pictures of the kids:




And to top off the day, we demonstrated to Emma and Andrew how they were conceived -- I invited Lisa's co-worker over, they got drunk, and had sex. Happy Valentine's Day! I'm going to go open up a can of tuna now...

Day 505 - Picture Friday

"Peek a boo! I have scoliosis!"

First the farmer puzzle piece, then the plush palm tree, and now...now...an entire banana.

"I still can't see my ass!"

Due to the faltering economy, the Ichikawas have resorted to dressing Emma in rice bags.

Have a great weekend!

Day 504 - Target Lady

Today I took the kids out on one of their favorite mid-week outings: Target. Target is one of those places where you can fill up your shopping cart with seemingly unrelated yet related items. For instance, tube socks and paint = making sock puppets; canteen and batteries = weekend hiking trip; maxipads and duct tape = Lisa's Valentine's Day present.

While I was walking past an elevator, I saw this young mother come out pushing her baby daughter in a stroller. As she passed behind me, I heard her say to her friend, "Uh-uh-uuuuuh! No way in HELL I'm having two kids! No...WAY!"

What the hell was that about? At first I just shrugged it off, but as I finished my shopping I became very irritated and annoyed with what she said. I don't go around judging other people with the number of kids they have. Although that woman who had the octuplets is just a dumbass. No way in HELL I'm having eight kids! No...WAY!

So as a way to deal with my aggravation, I have made a top ten list of things I wish I said to the woman at Target. Here we go...

10) If my hands weren't full of Cheerios and sippy cups, I'd slap you.

9) I bet your child's second word after "dada" was "big fat whore mama."

8) If looks could kill, the birth of your child should've killed the entire nursing staff.

7) Aisle four! Dumbass woman! Aisle four!

6) On behalf of penises everywhere, thank you for not wanting another baby.

5) If you're looking for your husband, he's buying your Valentine's Day gift: a brown paper bag and a muzzle.

4) You're lucky my kids are strapped in their stroller otherwise Emma would sit on you while Andrew stabs you with his hair.

3) Would you like to meet my children? Here's my daughter, F, and my son, U.

2) You should try having a second child if you can find another horse to impregnate you.

1) ...bitch...

Hmmm...I feel much better now. Aren't Emma and Andrew lucky to have such a mature father like me?

Day 503 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 502 - Poop the Bubbly

I don't mean to write so much about poop, but as a parent of toddlers much of your day is spent dealing with poop. Additionally as a person who finds poopy humor absolutely fascinating and hilarious, I enjoy writing about poop.

As you know, Emma has been sick. Last Friday, she had diarrhea and a fever; she probably caught what Lisa still has now. Emma's fever broke on Sunday, but her poops were still very sickly. No longer were they the brave, sturdy redwoods that Emma is known for. Sadly, her poops became a pasty, depressing batch of generic pudding.

What was unusual about her poops was that they became this very pasty white color. You could almost put a dollop of it on top of a cupcake and sell it as Vanilla Bean frosting -- except for the excruciating smell of feces. I decided to look this up on the internet and found that this could be a pretty serious sign of illness.

Basically, there are three colors of poop that are bad: white, red, and black. If your poop is white that means that there could possibly be something wrong with your liver. Long story short, no bile is being released from the liver and bile is what gives your poop that strong, autumn brown color. I called our doctor, and she told us to not give her milk for a day, give her Pedialyte, and to call her again if her poop continues to be white.

So imagine our worry over Emma's poop. I was so anxious for Emma to poop again so I could see whether or not she was getting better. It was like Christmas Eve and Emma's diaper was my present. Would her diaper have a 50" LCD 1080p television set (i.e. brown poop) or socks (i.e. white poop)? The last time I checked someone's underwear so often, it was middle school and I was placed in juvie for three months.

This morning, Emma took a pretty solid crap after a day of no milk. It wasn't white, but I couldn't tell what color it was. I called Lisa over to give me her opinion. This whole situation must've looked pretty surreal. We had Emma on the changing table half-naked while Lisa and I were staring at a piece of crap. The last time I stared at someone's piece of crap so long it was high school and I was placed in therapy for three months.

Lisa and I finally decided that Emma's crap was not white, but rather a very pale greenish/yellow. I called our doctor and told her our good news. Our doctor told us that it is good news and it looks like Emma is on the mend. After we hung up, I got even more good news. Emma crapped again, and it was pasty yellow! Pop the bubbly and pass the cigars! My baby girl crapped yellow diarrhea!

I never thought in a million years that I would be able to deal with all of the messy and disgusting things that come along with raising a child. But here I am writing eight paragraphs about how thrilled I am that Emma's poop went from pasty white to pasty yellow. All I can say is that if I continue to write this blog through Emma's teenage years, I'm sure I will have some thrilling stories about menstruation...that is if Emma will allow me to write about it.

Day 501 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked what I should do about Emma and Andrew wanting to take naps at different times. Half of you think the kids should give up the second nap (I hate you all.). Thirty-seven percent of you think the kids should stay on a similar nap schedule, but to put them down when they're both sleepy (I like you guys more!).

Over the past few days, we've been able to put the kids back on a two-nap schedule. The kids always take their first nap around 10-10:30am, but we decided to push their second nap later in the day. We just make sure they have a little snack before the second nap, and they're good to go for about an hour. Sometimes we don't even have to get them out of the bedroom for two hours. Not that they're asleep. They're not. It's just that sometimes I jack up the volume on the entertainment system when playing Guitar Hero and I can't hear the kids scream. Boy, where does the time fly when you're having fun?

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Around the house, we don't play favorites with Emma and Andrew. The reason for this is because everyone in the house knows that I am the favorite so why set up the kids for disappointment. But there seems to be times when the kids are jealous of the attention they are receiving from Lisa and me.

This has been especially true because Emma has been sick. Emma becomes very clingy and whiny (not to mention snotty and smelly) when she gets ill. This does not sit well with Andrew. If I am carrying Emma, Andrew will come up to me and try to push Emma out of the way so he can sit on my lap. I try to explain to him that Emma doesn't feel well and if he had a more serious disease than Emma like diabetes or syphilis I would hold him.

So what do you do if your kid gets jealous? Since we have 16 month old twins, we can't use the reasoning that the older child should understand more. Do you immediately take turns holding your kids? Do you let the jealous one cry until it's his/her turn? Or do you drop the kid you're holding, blame the other child for screwing things up, and dig through the liquor cabinet for a bottle of whiskey and get wasted?

Day 500 - CRUNCH

Andrew jumped on my balls today.

I was just lying down on the floor minding my own business. The kids were reading books, so I closed my eyes for a moment. During that moment, Andrew jumped on my balls.

I know Andrew doesn't know any better, but he has balls too. Shouldn't he have some innate understanding of how sensitive they are? I would be more understanding if Emma jumped on my balls because she has a vagina. But this doesn't excuse Lisa for jumping on my balls because she's much older and should know better.

When Andrew jumped on my junk, I let out a scream. It might've been a slightly effeminate scream, but I don't care because it hurt. It still hurts.

I tried to explain to Andrew why it's not nice to jump on a person's testicles, but I wasn't too sure how to explain it to a sixteen month year old. As far as I know, there's not a baby word for testicles. Penis is wee-wee, but what do you call your balls? I couldn't think of anything so I just called them your "thingies."

"Andrew," I said in a slight falsetto voice. "Do NOT jump on Daddy's...thingies. Daddy's thingies do not like to be jumped on. You would not like it if I jumped on Andrew's thingies. Leave Daddy's thingies alone!"

After reading what I just typed, it confirmed what I initially thought: I'm an idiot. I guess as long as our kids are no taller than my waist, there are going to be many times when there are mishaps with my thingies. I feel like it's a passage of parenthood for fathers to get their groin area abused by their children. On the other hand, I do not believe it is a passage of marriage for husbands to get their groin area abused by their wife. Could someone please e-mail Lisa and confirm this? Please? I still hurt...

Day 499 - Diarrhea Nights

Oh crap...

I haven't had a good poop story for a long time, but here comes a doozy.

Lisa caught a bug at school and it passed on to Emma. They both had fevers for the past few days, but thankfully it is breaking. Sadly for Emma not only did she have a fever, but she had a bad case of diarrhea.

Yesterday morning, I walked into the kids' bedroom and an awful stench hit me. It was the kind of stench that reminded me of all of those horrendous nights when Lisa would fart underneath the bed covers and not tell me. That type of stench.

I knew one of the kids pooped. I checked Andrew -- no poop. I checked Emma -- WHOA! WHAT THE HELL WENT ON IN THERE? It looked like she poured a gallon of chocolate milk in there! Not only was her diaper soaking wet, but her pajamas were soaked with liquid feces. I did my best to keep the changing table clean, but it became a lost cause.

We made sure Emma kept hydrated by giving her water, ice chips, and some juice. Stupidly, we continued to give her milk which in hindsight was causing the diarrhea episodes. Every time we gave her a bottle of milk, ten minutes later she would crinkle her face and cry. A few minutes after that, we would have to change her diaper, crinkle our face, and cry.

I read online that these diarrhea episodes could last anywhere from one to ten days. So far we are about to enter day three, and I can't imagine another seven days of this. It's hard enough to change Emma's diaper because she doesn't stay still and likes to grab at her diaper. Now imagine doing this when there's waves of diarrhea in it. You could probably drop a Han Solo figurine in it to recreate him being frozen in carbonite.

All I can say is that if this goes into day eleven, I'm making a run for it. Get it? RUN for it. Oh fine then. I guess this is all a part of taking care of our little squirts. Get it? SQUIRTS! Good grief, it's late. I'm going to sleep...

Day 498 - Picture Friday

Emma stars in Pixar's newest film, "Eating Nemo."

Try Auntie Anne's new Baby Pretzels!

Just like Daddy, Emma enjoys reading while taking a crap.

Lord Vader, here's your new Sith: Darth Drool.

Shouldn't they recall Fisher Price's My First Noose?


Have a great weekend!