If you recall the entry on Day 115 "Poor Andrew", I referred to Andrew's eye as his ass and his pink eye as anal warts. I did this to make sure my mom did not know that Andrew got pink eye, and it worked. To this day she still asks about his anal warts and reminds us to wipe gently and quickly.
Last week, Lisa spoke to her mom on the phone. At the end of the conversation, Grandma Ichinaga asked Lisa to tell me "...not to call Andrew's eye an ass." I never intended to offend Grandma Ichinaga, and this is why I want to write this letter of apology to her. The only problem I have is that I'm not very good at apologies. This is why I need to substitute a couple of words. As you read the letter of apology, the word "apology" will be replaced with the word "ass" and "remorse" with "anal warts." Thank you.
Dear Grandma Ichinaga,
I felt very bad after Lisa told me you didn't find the Andrew pink eye story that funny. So I am here to give you a big, fat ass.
Just as a quick back story, it's very difficult for me to express my feelings. You see, one night during my crazy college years I drank beers with my fellow Chess Club friends. I unfortunately drove home and was pulled over. I spent a night in the slammer and was a blithering, drunk idiot. I felt so guilty about what I did that I asked any one in the jail cell to accept my ass.
My annoying attitude in the slammer brought out the worst in a few fellow inmates. Four hulking men faced me and told me to shut up. I explained I would shut up as soon as someone would take my ass and treat it with respect. They answered that they would accept my ass...and beat it to a bloody pulp.
The men started beating on me over and over again. I screamed for help, but none came. After several minutes, they walked away laughing leaving me confused. I asked them if they felt any anal warts because I gave them my ass, but they ignored me. And from that day on, I have had a problem telling any friend or family member "I'm sorry."
But we all must grow up. So Grandma Ichinaga, I would like to say I'm sorry that you did not like me referring to Andrew's eye as his ass. I promise to grow up and show a little maturity. After all, there has to be a day when I have to stop being such an apologyhole.
Sincerely,
Scott
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