Thursday, September 29, 2011

Day 1448 - Play Ball!

When I picked up the kids at school, I had an innocent conversation about Andrew with one of his teachers.  But this talk slowly merged into awkwardville with me at the wheel.

First, the back story.  It all started several weeks ago when Andrew began to get this nasty diaper rash right below his belly.  We slathered it with Aquaphor and baby powder, but it wasn't getting better.  It was only when we started to use Desitin that the rash began to heal.  During this entire rashy time, Andrew would always stick his hands down his pants to scratch whatever he could scratch at.

So cut back to the present.  As I was gathering the kids' lunch bags, one of Andrew's teachers told me that he wet his pants during nap so they put all of his wet clothes in a garbage bag for me to bring home (i.e. burn).  The teacher mentioned in passing that Andrew has a bad diaper rash.  And so begins the cue for Mr. Awkward Dad to appear.

"Oh yah," I agreed.  "We've been putting on a lot of diaper cream lately, and I think it's getting better."

"And just so you know, Andrew has been sticking his hands in his pants a lot recently," continued the teacher.

"I'm sure it's very itchy down there," I replied.

"Well, I think it's more than just itching.  He is just going through a phase where he's playing with himself," said the teacher matter-of-factly.

Sadly, if there is one thing that I am more awkward at than dancing, talking to the opposite sex, public bathrooms, and drinking hot, foamy lattes it is talking about anything related to sex.  This teacher just opened up the Pandora Box of geeky gawkiness.

"Oh (uncomfortable laugh)!  I'm sure that rash is just bothering him," I said averting my eyes.

"Don't worry about it," comforted the teacher.  "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"No no no (sweat)!  I know it's nothing to be embarrassed about!  I'll just put more ointment on it tonight.  I mean his rash, not his pe...pee-pee."  Wow.  How did I ever get married?

"I just wanted to let you know, that's all."  This teacher really had enough of me.

"Well, thanks for the info.  I'm sure it's just the rash!  He doesn't do this at home!"  I called out to her.

I have no idea why I was trying to deny Andrew's scratching/wanking fascination because I know this is a very natural phase of any growing toddler.  I also know that it's better to deal with this head on otherwise you'll end up having Andrew turn out like me -- such a scary thought that Lisa just hit me.

But as a parent, I guess as much as you want to know everything about your child, there are still certain things that you don't enjoy knowing.  Andrew is only four so I can only imagine the awkwardness I will bring into the house during his teenage years.  For the first few years of life, your kid is just an innocent baby full of potential.  And as they slowly grow, your view of them changes; you see that they are human.  Or for me, I understand that Andrew likes his penis.

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