When I returned home from our Northern California trip, I couldn't wait to go to sleep. Although I didn't want to take a shower, I figured it would be a wise idea not only because it was a hot drive home, but the bathroom I had to use during our rest stop smelled of spoiled urine, caked feces, and special sauce (it was a McDonald's bathroom).When I stepped into the shower, the first thing I did was pour a handful of shampoo into my hands. But instead of lathering up my hair, I proceeded to scrub shampoo all over my face. It took me several seconds to realize I was washing my face with Herbal Essences Hydralicious Reconditioning Shampoo. I felt like an idiot, but at least my eyebrows have never been more full of body.
I don't know what it was about this last trip, but when I returned home I was exhausted. And this exhaustion translated to stupidity and forgetfulness. Or as Lisa corrected, MORE stupidity and MORE forgetfulness.
Usually I am pretty much on the ball, but the last few days I've fallen off the ball, lost the ball, and even crapped on the ball. Just the other day, I couldn't find my cell phone. I looked all around the house. I called my cell phone, and I didn't hear it ring. I looked inside my car, but it wasn't there either. Then I retraced my steps, and I remembered throwing out the trash. But why would I throw my cell phone in the trash. I'll tell you why. Because I'm a dumbass!
The kids were watching television upstairs, so I quickly ran to our dumpster. I called my cell phone, and I heard it ringing. Unfortunately for me, every resident of our townhouse complex must buy their garbage bags at Costco because every bag looked the same. Since my appendages are rather short, I couldn't reach the trash. I had to get a step stool and bend over the dumpster to search for my phone.
Soon the kids peeked from our garage door and shouted, "Daddy! Why you in the trash!" I told them I threw my phone into the trash. The kids asked why, and I told them it was an accident. This prompted Emma and Andrew to ridicule me with a chant of, "Daddy is silly!", "Daddy threw his phone in the garbage!", and "Daddy's phone smells like poo-poo!"
Some people may attribute my exhaustion to my age. I'm not getting any younger, and it's natural that as you age, your body just is not the way it used to be. I say bollocks to this theory. Especially since my body was never anything to boast about in the first place.
My theory is this: the kids. When we've made the Northern California trip with the kids in the past, they were just these little blobs that just slept, pooped, and ate. You could give them a potato peeler, and it would entertain them for hours. But now, things are totally different.
The kids are now these little blobs of unsustainable energy. Their minds are so much more active and inquisitive that the once entertaining potato peeler has been turned into a shiv to threaten us for age-appropriate entertainment and activities. Where ever we take them, they run around and our threats are a constant source of laughter for them.
Despite my lethargy and numbed mind, the thing that keeps you going, ironically, are the kids. They may make me wash my face with shampoo and throw my cell phone in the dumpster, but they are the coal to my steaming caboose. Although they may frustrate and anger us, their untainted view on life and constant laughter is more than enough to put up with a few days of stupidity. After all, stupid is as stupid does...when you have toddler twins.
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