For the longest time, the kitchen was off limits to the kids. On one end, we had a safety gate, and on the other end we had a Pack N Play. But once the kids learned how to move the Pack N Play out of the way, Lisa and I realized it was either time to allow the kids in the kitchen or it was time to install a moat; the moat was too much work.
Thankfully, I already installed safety latches in the cabinets that had harmful items like cleaning products, sharp objects, and DVDs of the canceled shows I've worked on (It has been proven in laboratory tests that 85% of the shows I've worked on will either lower your IQ or give you hemorrhoids.). So in regards to the safety of the kids, the kitchen would be just as safe as any other area of our house.
The one thing we had to teach the kids was to stay away from the trash can. I suppose a large receptacle full of pungent, unknown treasure would be enticing to any toddler. We explained to the kids that the trash can was dirty because we put dirty things in it. Our insightful Emma immediately spoke up and said, "Whores?" And I just laughed at her and said, "No, Emma. More like your Mommy's vagina."
One day, the kids were tearing up some newspaper and paper was all over the floor. I looked at them and said, "Dirty dirty!" And besides flipping me off, guess what else the kids did? They picked up the torn newspaper and threw it in the trash can. Eureka! I got myself two servants!
Instead of having to get up and throw away stray cereal, torn paper, or cat feces, I could now ask my children to throw it away. The great thing about it is that it's a novelty for them right now so they love to do it. I can't wait until it's a novelty for them to detail cars and caulk the tub.
After I put the kids down for a nap one day, I was cleaning up the kitchen. As I was about to throw some trash away, I noticed some of their toys in the can. Crap! I got myself two dumb servants! I immediately washed the toys so they were decontaminated* and figured I would have to keep a closer eye on the kids around the trash can.
So far, there has not been a trashed toy for over a week. I think between watching the kids and explaining to them that the trash is only for trash and not their toys they got the message. And to be doubly safe, I better make sure the kids don't try to throw their toys away in Lisa's vagina.
*Actually, I didn't wash the toy. It was on top of some fermented beans and molded bread so I just quickly wiped it off. I just wrote that so Crazy Grandma wouldn't go psycho.
No comments:
Post a Comment