Day 759 - Happy Halloween

The most horrific thing about Halloween besides the monsters, zombies, and aliens is seeing hundreds of kids wired on sugar. Every day around the world, parents try to prevent their kids from experiencing a sugar high. Yet one day a year, the rules are thrown out and you have little crack candy children looking for their next glucose hit.

This year the kids dressed up as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. There were of course other options that were vetoed: Donny and Marie, Maury Povich and Connie Chung, and Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa. I thought the latter would've been perfect since Emma's pronunciation of English words sounds just like Crazy Grandma.

The original plan for Halloween was to go out trick or treating with friends around their neighborhood. Unfortunately, our friend's kid got a fever so the outing was canceled. I very well wasn't about to put $60 worth of costumes to waste. I was even willing to take the kids to Disneyland and throw them on top of a parade float. But a quick Google search showed that our local shopping mall was going to have a Halloween event where kids could go trick or treating to participating stores.

We've never been to a shopping mall during Halloween so we weren't too sure what to expect. I imagined whether stores would give out appropriate treats: the Apple Store giving iPods, Barnes & Nobles giving books, the food court giving you diarrhea.

So we got the kids dressed and ready to hit the mall. Andrew's Mickey Mouse costume was pretty funny because it gave him a pear shaped body. He actually looked like Lazy Grandpa after a big dinner.


Emma's Minnie Mouse costume wasn't very funny, but she looked very cute in her pink dress. The best thing about her costume was that it was big enough so I could use it next summer as swimming trunks.


When I pulled into the mall parking lot, I was amazed to find it so crowded. Either this event was a lot more popular than I thought or Brookstone was having a major sale on shiatsu machines and air purifiers.


The kids were amazed to find so many other children dressed up in costumes. They saw a boy dressed like Elmo. They saw a girl dressed like Tinker Bell. They saw Siamese twins dressed as the letter X.

Lisa and I were pretty excited that the kids were going trick or treating because we would get a stash of candy for home. As the kids began trick or treating, we realized that the stores were giving out pretty lame treats. Stickers, store coupons, and hard candy were some of the collected goods. But then we saw what should be the Fort Knox of candy giveaways on Halloween: See's Candy.

We pushed the kids to the See's Candy line and awaited our free treat of chocolate delight. The See's Candy lady/nurse put two things into the kid's candy bag: a $2 off coupon and a piece of coffee candy. Really? A coupon and coffee candy? How about if I give the See's Candy lady/nurse two things into her candy bag: a diet book and my middle finger.

The oddest thing that happened to us is that a total stranger came up to our kids and said, "Oh! Your kids look so cute. I have to give them something!" So she took her purse out, and dropped a handful of spare change into the kid's candy bag. At first I thought it was kinda sweet that this stranger felt compelled to give our kids a treat, but I later realized that by giving our kids money she turned our kids into baby whores. Bitch!

After 40 minutes of walking around, we decided to call it quits. Although the kids enjoyed themselves, we looked into their candy bag and realized that there were very few sweets that Lisa and I would enjoy eating. But at least this experience made us learn that if either of us were in desperate need of money, we could always parade our kids around to whore up a few dollars.

From left to right: Minnie Mouse, Kathy Bates, Mickey Mouse.

Day 758 - Picture Friday

The kids find poking their heads through a dark hole only brings back hazy and scary memories of birth.

On next week's Intervention: Soy sauce addiction.

Quick! Someone get this boy a hemorrhoid pillow!

Emma's overjoyed to have a beautiful flower on her head...until she realizes the allergic reaction will cause her scalp to be covered with boils and hives.

Have a great weekend!

Day 757 - Doodle Pros & Cons

Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa bought each of the kids these Doodle Pro boards. It's those drawing tablets that you use with a magnetic pen. I knew Emma and Andrew wanted this toy because they kept on repeating over and over again how much they wanted to have a magnetophoretic display panel (Yes...the kids are geniuses, so what.).

It was smart of Crazy & Lazy to buy each of the kids their own magnetophoretic display panel, but the problem with this is that I have to end up drawing twice as many pictures. If Andrew wants a car, then Emma wants a car. If Emma wants a cat, then Andrew wants a cat. And if they both ask for a DNA double helix, then they both get a DNA double helix (See! Geniuses, I say!).

One evening, Andrew came up to me and asked me to draw Poppa (aka Lazy Grandpa). So I drew a picture of Poppa.

"Does this look like Poppa?" I asked Andrew.

"Yahyah," said Andrew.

Then Andrew asked me to draw Gaga (aka Crazy Grandma). So I drew a picture of Gaga.

"Does this look like Gaga?" I asked Andrew.

"Yahyah," said Andrew.

Then Andrew asked me to draw a picture of Dada (aka me, duh!). So I decided to be funny and I drew an exaggerated picture of myself with large muscles. Here's the picture I drew:


So I asked Andrew, "Does this look like Dada?"

"No," Andrew answered without hesitation.

"Are you sure? I think it looks like me," I said as I tried to maintain what little masculinity I had left.

And to further humiliate me, Andrew actually got a little mad and forcefully said, "No! No no no!"

That's right. My son said "no" four times. Not only that, he took the magnetophoretic display panel from my hands and gave it to Lisa. The really sad part of this story is that I wasn't strong enough to stop Andrew from taking the magnetophoretic display panel away from me. I guess it's back to the three pound weights for me...

Day 756 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 755 - If You're Happy and You Know It, Do Jazz Hands

Despite the rumors and research studies, I'm definitely a guy. And something I noticed among some of my guy friends is the conversation that inevitably comes up: What if you found out your son was gay? And quite honestly, it doesn't really matter to me.

I've known gay people from a pretty young age. When I was thirteen, my first job was a rehearsal pianist for a community college production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. And for the next eight or nine years, I dabbled in a lot of theater which meant I worked with a lot of gay people. From this experience, it just didn't phase me whether or not someone was gay. Unfortunately, all of these years did nothing for my fashion sense.

And the bottom line when it comes to your kids is that you just want them happy, healthy, and extremely wealthy to support you in your old age. If Andrew told me one day that he was gay, I'd be okay with it as long as he was happy and comfortable with who he is. And maybe we could even end the coming-out with father and son jazz hands (I did learn how to do some awesome jazz hands from my gay friends!).

I have no idea when a person's sexual identity develops, but I have a feeling that Andrew is not gay. My friend Lisa Haskins came over the other night to visit, and as she was lying on the sofa I took this picture of Andrew:

Although I find this photo extremely funny, I also find it sad because what took me twenty-seven years to get to, my son got to second base in two. I'm just going to do some slow Fosse shoulder rolls into my bed...

Day 754 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked if it would be a good idea to give the kids a few pieces of Halloween candy. Surprisingly to me, an overwhelming seventy-one percent said a few pieces of candy isn't going to hurt. I suppose when you think about it, there's really nothing wrong with giving your kid a few pieces of candy if you're allowing him to roam around at night asking strangers for food. Hell, if that's going to be acceptable behavior, I'm going to tell Emma and Andrew to loot a couple of bluray players too.

Honestly, I don't know if we're going to let the kids eat any candy this Halloween. Lisa and I are on the same page that as long as we have a semblance of control over the kids, we might as well try to keep them away from the many evils that we adults indulge in such as junk food, too much television, and drunk driving. Emma and Andrew are still a little too young to understand the idea of Halloween, although I have heard them debate whether or not Halloween should be celebrated as a Celtic or a Christian holiday. But I'm guessing next year will be a different story when they will clamor for another hit of sugar.

**********

I've mentioned that the kids love Blue's Clues, or as Crazy Grandma occasionally says, "The kids want cous-cous!" Since Blue's Clues isn't on television as much anymore, the kids get their daily dose of dog via a couple of DVDs. Although the kids can watch these shows over and over again, the problem with Blue's Clues is that it's no longer very popular. There are very few Blue's Clues books and toys on the shelves, and even fewer blue dogs up for adoption.

Since I'm not up-to-date with what is popular and appropriate for two year old kids, what other shows would our kids enjoy watching? I had the kids watch a couple episodes of Californication, but afterwards, "big black clock" took on a whole other meaning.

Day 753 - Pumpkin Patch Perils

Today we decided to take the kids to a pumpkin patch. It wasn't a very large one, but I figured our kids are only 2 1/2 feet tall so relatively speaking it's more than 2x larger from their point of view than mine.

The patch had enough to do that it would keep our kids occupied for at least 15-30 minutes. There was a petting zoo, a hay maze, a bunch of inflatable bounce rooms and slides, and hundreds of pumpkins. Lisa and I hoped the kids would have a good time. But we should've been more specific with our hopes because we didn't have a very good time.

It all started simply enough with the hay maze. The maze was simple enough for really young kids and really drunk adults. I stayed outside of the maze taking pictures while Lisa followed the kids around. At one point, there was a tunnel that was about 3 ft tall. Emma went straight through, but Andrew became a little scared. Lisa tried to coax Andrew into the tunnel with her kindergarten teacher mantra: I'm gonna hit you if you don't do it right! The maze began to look like a sigalert with impatient children waiting to run you over. So Lisa squatted down as far as she could and clumsily made her way through the tunnel. As she exited, she got covered herself with hay and dirt while I sat on a bench moisturizing my hands with lotion.


As we continued our walk through the pumpkin patch, the kids took in the surroundings. They stared at the petting zoo trying to recall their favorite animals from puzzles and books. They smiled at the colorful inflatable slides and bounce houses. And they grew puzzled at the slightly stoned teenagers wearing Twilight t-shirts.

But the one thing they found fascinating was hay. At first the kids just stared at the hay they were walking on. They never saw anything like it before. The kids must've been marveling at how something so simple and slight could attract so many insects and flies and animal urine.

Once the kids became more comfortable with the hay, they began to touch it. Andrew started to use his fingers like a rake and moved hay all over the ground. Of course, Emma started to copy, and what was once two little kids experimenting with hay suddenly became an explosive study on how to kill the Scarecrow. Lisa and I had to pull the kids apart and distract them with something else. Unfortunately that something else was a pile of donkey dung, but at least it calmed the kids down.

The calm was too good to be true. Minutes later the kids were at it again. At first, we saw Andrew throwing hay into the air. It was getting all over him and the people around him. I pleaded Andrew to stop because he was getting a very large and tattooed man angry and Daddy just is not a very strong and confrontational person.


And just when we got Andrew to stop, Emma started at it. Emma was actually pretty bad because she was stacking hay on top of her head.


Lisa and I became the exasperated parents you see in public so we picked up the kids and decided to go home. After purchased two pumpkins, I carried Emma and the pumpkins to the car. As I waited for Lisa to catch up, I saw Andrew collapse to the ground in a fit of stubbornness. As Lisa clumsily picked Andrew off the ground, she once again covered herself with hay and dirt (and probably some animal urine in the process).


I popped open the car trunk and turned around to grab the pumpkins. When I turned around -- and it was just a few seconds -- the kids were throwing hay into the car. After much aggravation, Lisa and I drove home to give the kids a bath and to give ourselves a little rest. But as the kids jumped out of the bath and into the bedroom, Andrew gave us one more present: he peed all over the bedroom carpet.

Hopefully when Halloween actually comes this Saturday, it will be more treat than trick...or pee for that matter.

Day 752 - Lisa's Birthday

Today was a very special day because of two equally important and joyous occasions: it was Lisa's birthday and time for my yearly bikini wax. It's always great to see someone remove ribbons and string from your package...and Lisa's birthday wasn't so shabby either.

The big plan for the day was a nice dinner with friends. I asked Lisa whether or not she wanted Italian or steak for her birthday, and she told me she would love to eat steak because she can't remember the last time she had a big piece of meat (insert your own penis joke here).

I found a steakhouse not too far away from our house called Larsen's Steakhouse. It got pretty good comments online and figured it was worth a try. Personally, I am not a big red meat eater. It started off because my cholesterol was on the high side, but has now gotten to the point where I don't really miss it at all. Although I would eventually order a nice slab of New York steak for dinner, I really don't remember the last time I actually saw a big piece of meat (insert another penis joke here).

Something that was really unique about the steakhouse was that their menus were backlit. When you opened the menu, the entire thing lit up. Just like in this picture:


A SIDE STORY: I told my friend online that the menus were not only backlit, but they also had human hands holding flashlights and a scrolling LED screen that highlighted the specials of the day. And for some odd reason, my friend believed me. Human hands holding flashlights? Really? Really now?

It was really nice to go out for dinner with friends and without the kids. We were able to have uninterrupted conversation about mature, adult topics (i.e. farts, underwear, and cooties). But as the night progressed, I noticed that our talk transformed itself into stories about all of our kids. Of course it's natural to talk about what consumes our lives, yet I found it interesting that we all began to talk about them towards the end of the night.

To me, I felt like it was a subconscious alarm clock going off in our heads telling us we needed to head back home soon because of the kids. Maybe it's just me, but there's this weird push-and-pull that I feel when we go out without the kids. Sometimes I really want to push the kids away because I just need some time alone, but then a few hours later you get this pulling feeling that makes you want to head home. And as I thought about all of this some more, I actually realized why nothing made sense to any of us: we were all drunk. Thank god the kids weren't around...

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Day 751 - Picture Friday

Emma, didn't you read the sign? Please don't feed the Andrew-mals!

Please help! Right after this photo was taken Emma went floating into the air and she has not come down yet! Please, please, please help! If you have any information, please contact our agent and manager regarding any possible reality shows you may want to do with us.


Andrew makes Emma feel his belly where the baby is kicking. Unfortunately, what Andrew believes is a baby is actually a gigantic tapeworm.


In the corner of the room, Andrew practices his burlesque routine.

Have a great weekend!

Day 750 - Do the Grandpa

Unfortunately for Andrew, he seems to have my goofy, immature sense of humor. I shall have to tell him when he gets older how humor can be a great characteristic, but it can also get you beat up and spit upon by elementary, middle school, high school, and college student. Oh! And by your co-workers too.

As I was talking to Crazy Grandma on the phone, she told me that Andrew does an impression of Grandpa. I wasn't too sure how Andrew could do an impression of Lazy Grandpa when Andrew can't even pronounce the word "remote control." But lo and behold, when I asked Andrew to do his Lazy Grandpa impersonation it was pretty dead on!

Here's a clip of Andrew doing his best attempt at his Lazy Grandpa impression. Enjoy!

Day 748 - Conversations with Emma

Emma finished her bath, and Lisa was dressing her on the changing table. As Emma was laughing for no particular reason, Lisa said, "I love you, Emma!"

"I wuv Em-mah!" shouted Emma.

"Do you love anyone else?" asked Lisa.

Emma thought. "I wuv Mama!" exclaimed Emma.

"Do you love anyone else?" asked Lisa.

Emma thought some more. "I wuv An-doo!" screamed Emma.

"Do you love anyone else?" asked Lisa.

Emma didn't even have to think to answer this question. "I wuv fishhh!" yelled Emma...as Scott called his attorney to make a few changes to his will.

Day 747 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked whether or not it was a good idea to use bribery with the kids. Fifty-five percent thought that bribery is fine as long as you are selective with its use (i.e. only use it when you're so drunk you start to second guess your parenting skills.). Thirty-three percent pleaded that we should use bribery while we can. This makes me believe that either bribery loses its appeal as the kids get older or bribery will eat your savings account bone dry.

I don't think Lisa and I use bribery with the kids too much. We use it to make sure the kids eat their vegetables, brush their teeth well, and to stop standing on my testicles. The one thing that you have to be prepared for with bribery is to follow-through. If you tell the kids they won't get to watch Blue's Clues unless they help clean up the room, you better be prepared for a lot of crying if they don't clean. But sometimes it all works out because the kids may tell you that they will stop crying if they get to watch Blue's Clues.

**********

The kids have only experienced three types of sweet things in their two years of life: 1) Gerber toddler cookies, 2) their yearly birthday cupcakes, and 3) my beaming personality. With Halloween around the corner, they may soon experience a lot more sweet things.

I do not remember going trick or treating until I was probably four or five years old. And every year my parents dressed me up in the same costume: Pat Morita. There was quite a bit of excitement when I returned home and unloaded my bounty of candy on the coffee table. I was always allowed to eat a few, but then I would have to save the rest for later. Looking back, I do believe my parents must've taken away a lot of my candy away because I don't remember it ever lasting too long. Then again, my mom always ballooned to a disgusting weight of 345 pounds right after Halloween so maybe the candy did go somewhere else.

We have never given Emma or Andrew any candy. But I started to wonder whether or not it might be cute to see their expression if we allowed them to eat a small piece of candy like a jelly bean, candy corn, or a 2 pound box of See's Candy. What do you think? Is a small piece okay? Is it too soon? Should we have a dialysis machine near by?

Day 746 - Street Fair Follies

Today was the annual Sherman Oaks Street Fair. It is marketed as the largest street fair in the Valley. For the past two years, we've gone because it is just a block away from where we live. Also for the past two years, we've always been bored and disappointed. We're not knocking the community spirit, but there's something just not so interesting about aluminum siding and Sparklette water fair booths. I guess the street fair is like going to Costco except without the free samples.

This year Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa joined us with the walk up and down Ventura Blvd as we ooh'd and aah'd at the flu shot booth and the DirecTV demonstration. When we met Crazy and Lazy, they had a treat for the kids: balloons. Crazy Grandma bought two helium balloons and two balloon animals for the kids. The kids got very excited and couldn't wait for the balloons.

Crazy Grandma ordered Lazy Grandpa to tie a balloon around Andrew's wrist. It took a little bit of time to get it done because Crazy Grandma was critiquing Lazy Grandpa's twine skills.

"Too tiiiiight! No! No! Tie dere...DERE!" shouted Crazy Grandma.


Next up was Emma. Lazy Grandpa turned to Crazy Grandma for the balloon.

Crazy Grandma yelled, "Where bah-loon?"

Lazy Grandpa said, "I dunno. I gave it to you."

Crazy Grandma replied, "I no have no bah-loon. Scotty, you have balloon?"

"I don't have the balloon. You never gave ME a balloon," I said emphasizing my child-like disappointment of not receiving a balloon from my own parents.

Then Lisa chimed in. "There's the balloon."

And Lisa pointed to this...


Oh wait...you probably can't see anything. How about this?


Yup. That's Emma's balloon.

"Wha-wha-wha? Eddiiieeee! What you do???" screamed Crazy Grandma.

"Lindaaaaaaaaa." You can always tell when my dad is exasperated by my mom by the number of a's he adds to my mom's name. "I gave Emma's balloon to you when you told me to tie Andrew's balloon."

And here's how you can tell when Crazy Grandma knows she screwed up. When she says the following: Aaaaaah!

"Aaaaah!" said Crazy Grandma.

But not to worry about little Emma. A colonic fair booth was giving out free balloons, so Emma eventually got one. Thankfully, Emma can't read yet or else she might've been embarrassed carrying a balloon that said, "Uranus Ain't Only a Planet to Check Out!"

Day 745 - Good Boy

Andrew can be quite an active handful. Lisa and I have nothing to compare our kids to since our failed kidnapping attempts of other children do not count towards parenting. But Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa told us that when myself and Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) were growing up, they do not remember us being as active as Andrew is. Of course Crazy and Lazy kept us calm on a steady supply of Flintstone's Chewable Valium pills, but we were still relatively laid-back.

Despite Andrew's boundless energy, the one thing that Lisa and I have found quite endearing about Andrew is his thoughtfulness. I don't know if this will be a life-long characteristic, but for the present it's pretty dang cute.

The easiest way to describe this is the way Andrew interacts with Emma. He seems to be concerned about her well-being. For example, Emma was in the bedroom playing with some plastic food. One of her pretend french fries fell behind the sofa, and she couldn't reach it. So Andrew ran into the living room and returned with another french fry for her. Andrew ran out of the room one more time and came back with a scale and The South Beach diet book. A little insulting, but still well-meaning.

Lisa and I have always hoped that Emma and Andrew would become good friends, and perhaps this is the beginning of a life-long friendship. I just hope if I ever hear Emma say, "Say 'hello' to my little friend," she's talking about Andrew and not a semi-automatic weapon pointing towards his head.

Day 744 - Picture Friday

Good news: Emma's getting potty trained. Bad news: Emma's not sitting on a potty seat.

Without his silver outfit, top hat, and make-up, Andrew is hardly recognizable practicing his street act.

The main lesson Emma has learned about climbing walls is that it really hurts falling on your face when you realize it's impossible to do.

Andrew does a dead-on impression of Mommy when Daddy pushes a joke way too far.

Have a great weekend!

Day 743 - Pronounciation Proof

Okay...here's a video that proves the kids can't pronounce the word 'clock' correctly. Unfortunately, this video clip is just of Emma because of two reasons: 1) Emma was the only one willing to talk in front of the video camera. 2) Every time I asked Andrew to say the word 'clock', he pulled his penis out to check the time.

So get the little ones out of the room, turn up the volume, and enjoy the clip!

Day 742 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 741 - That's a What?

With the development of speech, there's often difficulty trying to decipher what your kids are saying. There are a lot of sounds that are tricky to make with the coordination of your tongue, mouth, and lips. But with practice, you will not only be able to pronounce thousands of words, but you may also make your wife a very happy woman one day.

One word that the kids have recently learned is clock. Since we have a clock in every room, they have the opportunity to say the word often. The thing that makes Lisa and I laugh is the way Emma and Andrew pronounce the word clock. The kids say, "Cock."

So randomly throughout the day, we may hear the kids say, "Cock! Cock! Cock!" Not only does this make me laugh every time, but it also reminds me of the days when I worked at a Swedish bathhouse.

Since these mispronunciations are so short-lived, I decided to have a little fun with the kids.

"Hey, kids! What's that on the wall?" I asked as I pointed to a wall clock.

"Cock!" said the kids.

"Is that a big clock?" I asked.

"Big cock!"

I then pointed to my wristwatch. "Is this a clock?"

"Cock!"

"But it's a little clock, right?"

"Little cock!"

I decided to test Emma's colors. "Emma. What color is the wall clock?"

"Yellow!"

"And what color is this clock?" I questioned as I pointed to my wristwatch.

"Black!"

"Which one do you like more? The yellow clock or the black clock?"

"Yellow cock!"

I guess Wesley Snipes was wrong: Don't always bet on black.

Day 740 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked whether or not we should take pictures of the kids in a photo studio. Fifty-eight percent voted that we should take pictures, but only order a few photos and not the ridiculously-overpriced-but-it's-worth-it-because-it's-your-child package. If you add that with the twenty-nine percent who thought we should take pictures no matter the cost, an overwhelming eight-seven percent want us to take pictures.

I do agree that we should probably take the kids to a studio to take a handful of photos. They're only two once and it would be nice to have a few professional photos to stash away with my 4200+ other pictures. I just hope a hundred percent of the eight-seven percent who voted that we take pictures will generously donate a substantial amount of money to my PayPal account to pay for these ridiculously-overpriced-but-it's-worth-it-because-it's-your-child pictures.

**********

Despite their still limited speech, Emma and Andrew comprehend quite a bit. I'm pretty sure that every week they are learning new words to make our lives both easier and difficult. For those of you adults out there who still have an independent life, what I mean by easier and difficult is that although it is easier to communicate with the kids, it is also more difficult because the comprehension of words also creates opinions, specific needs, and endless temper tantrums.

But what Lisa and I have learned with this increased vocabulary and comprehension is that you can now use bribery as a parental tactic. During dinner, if Emma does not eat her vegetables, I will tell her that if she does not eat her broccoli she will not get any fruit. And poof! She eats her vegetables. While cleaning up before bedtime, if Andrew refuses to help, I will tell him that if doesn't help I will not read him a book. And poof! He cleans up. If we're at the shopping mall and Lisa tells me I can't buy a video game, I will tell her that if she doesn't let me buy it I will never make sweet, sweet, monkey love to her ever again. And poof! She really, really begs me not to buy the video game.

With this new discovery of bribery, I was wondering how suitable it is to use this strategy. Is it okay to use once in a while? Should we use it as often as possible? Or are we just asking for it ten years from now?

Day 739 - Stroller Strife

For Emma's birthday, we bought her a toy stroller. She really enjoys pushing her dolls around...as well as the occasional brother. But there's one thing that annoys her about it: the seat belt.

It's very easy to snap the seat belt together to make sure her dolls (as well as the occasional brother) are safely fastened in. But when Emma wants to take the doll out, she has a very difficult time snapping the belt off. Over and over again, Lisa and I hear Emma chanting, "I need help! I need help!"

While Lisa and I were preparing dinner, the kids were in the living room playing with the toys. Andrew was of course playing with his damn cars, and Emma was pushing her stroller around the house.

And then we heard Emma's chant: I need help. But what was unusual was that she was not anywhere near us. We glanced all around the living room, and Emma was nowhere to be found.

"I need help!" screamed Emma.

So being the lazy parents, we yelled to her, "Emma! Come here! We're too lazy!"

"I need help! I need help!"

"We're serious, Emma," Lisa and I sternly shouted. "Your parents are too lazy!"

"I need help! I need help! I need help!"

So Lisa and I got off the sofa and put down our weed and beer...oh wait...I said we were in the kitchen. Hmm...

So Lisa and I put our potato peelers down and went into the bedroom to find Emma. But what we saw was unexpected. As usual, Emma needed help unbuckling the seat belt on the toy stroller. What made it an unique situation was that Emma was on the floor stuck in the stroller with the seat belt around her waist.

Poor Emma. She was kicking her legs on the floor stuck in her toy stroller. Sadly, Emma didn't get out of the stroller for a good five minutes because that's the amount of time Lisa and I spent laughing at her.

Day 738 - Crazy for Cars

Andrew is obsessed with cars or anything with wheels. You name it: trucks, sedans, skateboards, and even elderly people on scooters. Andrew loves them all.

We never encouraged him to play with cars. There's a shelf full of miscellaneous toys for the kids to play with. It has everything from blocks to dolls to rattles to matches to syringes to cars. And for some stereotypical reason, Andrew took a liking to cars.

At first it was pretty cute. Andrew would walk around the house with one of his plastic cars or a book about cars. Or if we were in the car driving around town, Andrew would occasionally shout out, "Car!" Of course our friends and family noticed Andrew's gravitation towards four-wheeled things so they began buying him toys and books all about cars.

But a child's first love can also be a parent's worst nightmare. What am I talking about? Let me give you some examples:

-While stuck and stressed out on the freeway, Andrew points out all of the cars on the road passing you up. "Car!! Car! Car!!! Car!! Car! Car!!!!!"

-You're trying to get stuff done around the house, but Andrew comes up to you asking you to draw a car...with every color inside a Crayola crayon box.

-Once again, you're in the car driving with Andrew. But this time Andrew is crying and screaming because he dropped his toy car on the floor, and there's no way to pick it up until you pull over.

-Andrew pushes Emma to the ground because she was playing with one of his dozens and dozens of toy cars.

...and the examples can go on and on.

Let me clarify that Andrew is not OCD about cars, but he certainly enjoys playing with them every day. At least there are times throughout the day when we see him playing with other things that are not car-related. Yet I'd say over half his day is spent playing, reading, or talking about cars. I guess there is nothing unusual about a kid his age taking a liking towards a certain thing. When I was Andrew's age, I remember being fixated on my three Bs: blocks, boxes, and boobs.

Yet as a parent, you do tire of your kid's fixations. They want you to do the same things over and over again since kids find comfort in patterns and repetition. You draw the same thing, you read the same books, and you sing the same songs. It's like your Tivo is broken and you're seeing the same show over and over again. In our instance, it's repeating the movies Cars, The Cannonball Run, and Christine.

But what I try to remind myself is that this is just a part of your child's development, and you're only going to experience it once. Although you may become irritated and bored with your child's requests, you still end up drawing another picture of a damn car for the 1000th time because it makes your kid happy (By the way, my car drawings are becoming really good!). It's just too bad Andrew didn't become attached to something that I shared a common interest in like musical theater or cross-dressing. We really could've done some father-son bonding over A Chorus Line soundtrack and a nice summer dress.

Day 737 - Picture Friday

Emma asks if she can borrow Andrew's yellow balloon...so she can pop it.

Funny enough, the doctors found a polyp that looked like Emma during Scott's colonoscopy.

"Sucker! My balloon was the red one!!!"


This flight simulation shows that Andrew will never want to fly coach.

Sadly, Andrew will have to take the really, really, really, short yellow bus to school.

Have a great weekend!