Instead of my usual stream of consciousness ramblings about our road trips with the twins, I thought I would present this past weekend's anecdotes as a collection of short stories. So pull yourself up to the computer monitor, minimize that window of streaming porn, and enjoy these true life tales of horror.
TALES FROM THE CRIB
At the last minute, Lisa and I decided to drive to Santa Clara on Thursday night. I got home from work around 7:30pm, and we quickly packed up our weekend essentials: clothing, toiletries, and cheerios. After gassing up, we were on the freeway by 9:40pm.
I made a pact with Lisa that I would drive to Santa Clara if she would be responsible for waking up early and feed the kids in the morning. Lisa agreed, and spit in her palm for a handshake. I quickly slapped Lisa's saliva-soaked hand into her face and chortled a merry laugh. Silly wife.
For practically the entire trip, Lisa was asleep. Her ability to contort her body in weird positions yet still be able to sleep kept me entertained. There were times when only her seatbelt kept her head from hitting the dashboard. There were also times when her seatbelt did not keep her head from hitting the dashboard because I slammed the car brakes on purpose.
We made good time, and pulled into Grandma Ichinaga's driveway around 2:15am. The kids slept the entire trip, but we had to wake them up to get them out of their car seats. Emma & Andrew rubbed their sleepy eyes, and we carried them to their cribs. After checking for poopy diapers, we put the kids into bed and walked out to continue unpacking.
But unpacking would have to wait for screams of terror and confusion. Lisa and I underestimated our kids' ability to think. All this time, we thought our kids were slightly Gumpish, but this seems to be far from the truth. Emma & Andrew knew they were not in their own cribs; they wanted to be home.
To make matters worse, Grandma Ichinaga came out from her bedroom to see the kids. She was wearing curlers and a kerchief over her head. She basically looked like the Unibomber after getting a perm. She approached Andrew to say hi. Well you'd think Andrew was about to be touched by Michael Jackson's left glove. He stared at Grandma, and jolted back with a loud cry for help from the remaining Jackson Five.
It was almost 4am before the kids finally settled down and went to sleep. Not too long after that Lisa and I fell asleep too. I was especially comfy in bed knowing I would not have to wake early to take care of the kids. Around 7:30am, the kids began to whine for their morning bottle. As promised, Lisa got out of bed as I rolled over and took her pillow for myself. Ahhh.
But at 7:33am, Lisa got back into bed. I was confused. Lisa told me her mom and sister volunteered to feed the kids so she could sleep more. As I returned Lisa's pillow to her, I no longer felt comfy as Lisa smiled and laughed herself to sleep.
NOT SUITABLE FOR ALL AGES
Have you ever tried to dress an eleven month year old hyperactive boy into a tuxedo when it's almost 95 degrees outside and there's no central A/C inside?
DON'T! FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA...DON'T!
Lisa's friend, Samantha, let us borrow this baby tuxedo for Andrew. Lisa, Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan, and Grandma Ichinaga were all very excited to see little Andrew in tuxedo pants and a black bow tie. I, on the other hand, was not.
After waking up from their afternoon nap on Saturday, we had to dress the kids in their fancy clothes. I was already wearing my suit and ready to leave. Lisa was in charge of Emma, and I was in charge of Andrew. Well once again, Lisa had it easy. I mean how difficult is it to put on a dress? I wear one every Saturday night, and it's a piece of cake (and quite refreshing for the undergarments!).
As for Andrew, I had to put on dress socks, tuxedo pants, a long sleeve buttoned shirt, a vest, and a damn bow tie. It's hard enough changing his diaper let alone an entire trunk of clothing. Andrew would turn to the left. Turn to the right. Kick his legs down. Kick his legs up (into my testicles). Roll on his back. Roll on his tummy. I swear this is more difficult and tiring than thirty minutes on the Wii Fit.
After finally getting him dressing, I was drenched in sweat. But I will admit it was mostly worth it because both Emma & Andrew were quite cute. As for Daddy, he was sweaty and cheated out of an extra four and a half hours of sleep that well-rested Mommy got. Son of a...
McDONALD McCONFUSION
Upon our drive back to Los Angeles on Sunday, we stopped off at a McDonald's for dinner. We had dinner ready for Emma & Andrew in our tupperware, and we just decided to have a snack since my mom had food ready for us at home.
Since I was still deprived of that four and a half hours of sleep, I needed a cup of coffee. Since it was getting a little late, I decided to get a half-caf cup of coffee. My conversation with the McDonald cashier went a bit like this:
Scott: I would like a medium half-caf.
McCashier: (looks around) A wha?
Scott: A half-caf cup of coffee please.
McCashier: (looks at the coffee menu) There ain't no half-caf, sir.
Scott: I just want half regular and half decaf coffee.
McCashier: So...you want two cups of coffee?
Scott: No. One cup of coffee. But just half regular and half decaf coffee.
McCashier: In the same cup?
Scott: Yes. That's why it's called half-caf. Half caffeinated and half decaffeinated coffee.
McCashier: I never heard of that before. That's weird.
McCashier #2: (to McCashier) Do you need me to get that cup of coffee for you?
McCashier: Yah. This man wants a...
McCashier thinks better of it.
McCashier: (to McCashier #2) Never mind. I better get that order. You won't understand.
A few minutes pass and McCashier gives Scott the food.
McCashier: Here's your food and coffee, sir.
Scott: Thanks.
McCashier: I guess you learn something new every day, huh?
Scott: Umm...what?
McCashier: Half-caf. I never heard of that!That's crazy! HAHAHA!
In retrospect, I felt a little LA-ish asking for a half-caf, but I didn't think in this age of Starbucks and Coffee Bean that this would be such a strange request. Stranger still, the McCashier and I hit it off and she is now my secret McMistress.
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