Sunday, January 17, 2010

Day 837 - Headbutt

The nice thing about putting the kids to bed is that the entire family is together. We all share the same experience and emotions. There's joy when we read a new book. There's nostalgia when we talk about the day. And there's anger and tears when nobody can go to sleep.

One of things we do now is we turn off the lights, lie on the floor, and do shadow puppets with a flashlight. The kids get very excited when they see me do generic shadow puppets like a bunny, bird, or Winston Churchill. Obviously, the only shadow puppets Emma and Andrew can do right now are a rock and a crippled spider.

The other night while on the floor, the kids weren't tired yet. So they started jumping up and down on top of us. Thankfully, my six-pack prevents pain to my stomach, but Lisa's boobs aren't as forgiving. Besides it would be disgusting if each of her boobs had a six-pack -- or would that be a twelve-pack?

Lisa wasn't taking the abuse of the kids too well, so the strict and disciplinarian part of me came out. I immediately told the kids, "Emma! Andrew! Stop and go sit on your mommy's face!"

Our delightfully obedient children followed their father's instruction and scooted their powder-fresh asses on top of Lisa's face where they resided for a few minutes. Eventually, I got the kids off of Lisa's face because she started to turn blue from either the lack of oxygen or the large crap in Andrew's diaper.

After a few moments of rest, I posed this question to the kids: Should Daddy sit on Mommy's face? While the kids thought about this question, Lisa tried to sway their decision by politely saying, "Hell no! Oh no no no! NO!"

As I stood up to get my stanky, eight-year-old-underwear-wearing-butt on Lisa's face, the kids surprisingly took a stand: they told me not to do it! Andrew starting shouting, "No! No! Daddy! No!" And Emma was a little more eloquent and bossy by telling me, "Stop! Don't sit on Mommy's face! No do that!" Awww. You know they're growing up so fast when they tell you not sit on Mommy's face...

I found their reaction to this situation interesting in several ways. First, they both had the verbal ability to express their feelings and thoughts. Second, they were trying to be protective towards Lisa. And lastly, they are gigantic hypocrites and party poopers because they got to sit on Lisa's face, but when it was my turn to do it they wouldn't let me so I'm just not going to talk to them for the rest of their there!

It really was pretty cute to see Emma and Andrew trying to defend Lisa from the deathly hallows of my ass. When you see both of your kids working together to do something nice and helpful it gives you a lot of hope that they're going to the best of friends in the future. When it comes down to it, all you really want your kids to be is happy, healthy, and loving. And I guess the final point to make is that at this young age of two, they can't do anything to prevent their father from sitting on their mother's face. Hell yes! In your face!

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