Day 580 - Furniture Fiasco

Our sofa is sofa-cked up. Before the kids were born, our sofa was a little worn, but perfectly fine. Now a year and half has passed and it's just a complete mess. Every pillow corner has a hole. Every pillow has a stain. I couldn't even tell you what kind of stains we have on there. I bet you if John Stossel did a 20/20 health investigation on our sofa, he would probably find new life forms and nickname our sofa "The Galapagos."

I am not only amazed at how awful our sofa looks, but practically every piece of furniture in our place has been damaged. Our dining room chairs have been chipped. Our bookshelves have been scratched. Our computer desk has been bitten and peed on. Ordinarily, if someone peed on our furniture I would throw it away. For instance, we've gone through seven bed mattresses all because of Lisa.

On top of all of this damage, we have moved furniture into our bedroom so the kids won't hurt themselves. There are four dining room chairs, two TV trays, and a coffee table next to our bed. Each time I walk through our bedroom door, I think I'm walking into a shabbily run Extended Stay hotel.

I actually asked our pediatrician if we are overreacting to our kids' curiosity with furniture, but she told us it's all normal and very few parents of toddlers have coffee tables in their living room. That relieved me, so I felt comfortable enough to tell her how we have moved all of our furniture into our bedroom. All she had to say to that was what Lisa has called me many-a-times: Don't be a dumbass.

Many of our friends who have kids don't seem to have the same problem that we do with our twins. They don't seem to have to run around pulling their kids off of bookshelves or telling them not to chew on the apothecary table. But I think the difference is the fact that we have twins. Even at this young age, I see the kids copying and egging each other on to do something. For instance, if Emma steps on her toy car and Andrew steps on his toy bucket, then one of them will realize they can go even higher if they put the bucket on the car (The smart move would be to use the actual step stool in the kitchen. Dummies...).

I keep on thinking there will be a day when we will be able to purchase new furniture, but I've been told not to be so naive. You don't buy new furniture when your kids are babies because they can't control their bodily fluids. Then you don't buy new furniture when your kids are teenagers because they rough house and break things. Ultimately when the kids are out of the house and on their own, you don't buy new furniture because you're too old and can't control your bodily fluids. So I'm just gonna buy a bean bag, a couple of slankets, and call it a day.