Day 608 - Shopping Maul

Although I don't exercise as much as I used to, going out anywhere with the kids is a workout. Imagine carrying the following: a diaper bag, a snack bag, a double stroller, Emma, and Andrew. That has got to be close to 80 or 90 pounds. And then add Lisa when she gets an urge for a piggyback and add another 175 pounds.

We recently visited a mall and found a parking space close to the entrance. Lucky us! As we strolled towards the doors, a towering staircase greeted us with no sign of an escalator or elevator. Damn us! Much to the delight of the kids, we took them out of the stroller and carried them up two flights of stairs while leaving our bags of baby crap and our double stroller behind. While Lisa was holding Emma's and Andrew's hands, I rushed downstairs to grab our stuff. I threw all of our bags around my shoulder and quickly folded up the thirty pound stroller.

A slight problem was presented to me: a teenage girl was at the bottom of the stairs talking on her cell phone blocking my path to my family. I mumbled "excuse me" as I tried to pass her. Her cheap, slutty teenage face turned to me and then continued to speak to her friend on her phone about her boy problems. I wanted to simply explain to her that the reason she couldn't find a boy is because she's an ugly whore, but I didn't have time for that. My toned arms were beginning to quiver as I carried our forty pound stroller.

You must remember that our stroller is no lightweight umbrella stroller. It's a heavy-duty, fifty pound, big ass, two-ass seating stroller. It's not only sturdy enough to tow twins, but it has been certified as the official stroller of the television show "The Biggest Loser."

I gave up on the teenage girl to move, so I pressed on and figured if I knocked her over on my way up the stairs at least once in her life she could say she was knocked up. When I made it to the top, Lisa looked at me and asked "What the f*&@ was wrong with that b(@&*?" I tried to explain to Lisa that she was just your typical motherf(*#ing b(#&* who couldn't give a s(&* about anyone except herself. To which Emma and Andrew agreed and said, "F*(* yah!"

I truly hope our kids will not become inconsiderate teenagers like the one I encountered on the stair. If you think about it, our kids will become teenagers in just about eleven years and that's a relatively short amount of time. Yet it's just enough time to learn how to make your parent's life a living hell. Hopefully, Lisa and I will try to lead Emma and Andrew down the right path. And if not, I apologize now for whatever flaming bags of poop they may leave on your doorstep.

Day 607 - Their Cup Runneth Over

Recently, Emma and Andrew have become more interested in using actual cups instead of their sippy cups. This is just one part of their new found fascination in copying things that adult do. In addition to using cups, the kids have learned to lie, discriminate, and become self-centered. Awww...they grow up so fast.

I took a little video of the kids drinking water from their cups. After watching it, I believe this is a very good representation of what makes a girl a girl and a boy a boy.

Day 606 - Picture Friday

"Are you out of your mind? Not only is this hat too big, the damn tag is still on!"

"THIS haircut cost $25???"

"Why helloooo there, ladies!"

"Ready...set...EAT!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 605 - What's In a Name?

Emma and Andrew are not only becoming better at recognizing names, but they attempt to say them too. Of course they can say "Mama" and "Our dear, wonderful Dada", but we have been teaching the kids to say Grandma and Grandpa.

Emma is actually pretty good at mimicking words, but Andrew struggles a little more. The other day, we were testing Andrew's pronunciation of our names.

"Can you say 'mama'?" I asked Andrew.

"..ma...ma..." he answered.

"Can you say 'dada'?"

"ah..deeer...wondahfull...dada..."

"How about 'grandpa'?"

"...gaaa...paaa..."

"How about 'grandma'?"

Andrew thought for a second and then said, "...kaka..."

Lisa and I obviously laughed at Andrew's response, but it became even more surreal when Andrew pointed to his poop and said, "...kah-ray-zee...gand-maaa..."

Day 604 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 603 - Memorial Day

Yesterday, we spent our Memorial Day at our friend's house. They invited some friends over, and we all had a delicious BBQ. I realize that with the pictures below, it seems as if we only have Asian friends, but that is far from the truth. I just want to briefly state that I embrace people of all cultures, and I hope I'm not perpetuating any Asian stereotypes.

With that said, back to the BBQ. We all had a delicious meal of BBQ rice and BBQ fortune cookies. After lunch, we all took out our cameras and started taking a ridiculous amount of pictures of each other. Soon it was time to study, so we took out our science and math books. After an hour, we played our violins and drank some tea. Pretty soon it was getting late, so we packed up and drove home in our rickshaws.

All kidding aside, we really did have a nice afternoon with some tasty BBQ. Our friends, Paul and Michelle, brought out the wading pool for the kids. We forgot to bring the bathing suits, but we did have the swim diapers in our bag. Andrew took to the water right away and began splashing water all over the place. But Emma freaked out and did not want any part of the water fun.

(From left to right) Andrew, no wait, the next kid is Andrew...or the kid at the far right is Andrew. Damn! We do all look alike!

Either Emma is crying because she's afraid of the water or she's embarrassed that other people have seen her nipples.

Sexy!

The best part of the afternoon was lunch. For the first time, Lisa and I experienced the joy and wonder of the kid's table. When it was time to eat, we decided to see what would happen if we just left Emma and Andrew on their own with lunch. For about five minutes, they did amazingly well! They drank water from a straw, and ate off their plate like a normal human being. But once the six minute mark hit, they regressed back to little feral monkeys. They were dumping food on the floor, throwing their plastic plates, splashing water from their cups, and wiping their feces across the buffet table. Yet for five full minutes, it was pure paradise.

(From left to right) Lisa, Andrew, Emma, and Scott. Dammit! Screwed up again!

Day 602 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked what we should do with the kids over Memorial Day weekend. Thirty-eight percent of you thought we should brave the crowds, the parking lots, and the possibility of tidal waves and take the kids to the beach. Not far behind, thirty percent thought we should brave the crowds, the parking lots, and the possibility of animal attacks and take the kids to the zoo. Guess what? We did...NEITHER!

The weekend was so full of kid activities (i.e. puppy party, bbq, quiet time in the corner) that we didn't have time to do anything else. Even with a three-day weekend, it amazes me how fast time flies and you still find yourself without enough time. It probably doesn't help that you were drunk two out of the three days, but nonetheless time sure does fly by. I'll do a post tomorrow about our Memorial Day BBQ at a friend's place!

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I think our kids have a lot of toys. Not only are there toys in practically every drawer and container in the house, but we have unopened, emergency toys in the closet. And if the kids ever get really, really bored, I have a couple of kickass Swiss Army knives that they can fool around with (as long as they don't lose the coveted tweezer.).

Yet no matter how many toys we have, the kids still fight over the toy the other one is playing with. If Emma is playing with a puzzle, Andrew needs that exact same puzzle. If Andrew is playing with blocks, Emma needs those exact same blocks. If Daddy is playing with the PS3, the kids better get the hell away from it.

Crazy Grandma suggests that the answer to this problem is to make sure we have two of each toy. What do you think of this solution? Does it make sense? Do we just let the kids fight it out? Does this mean I can buy another PS3 for the bedroom television?

Day 601 - Puppy Party

Our friends, Samantha and Lance, celebrated their twin's two year old birthday with a Puppy Party. For those of you not familiar with a Puppy Party, a couple of people arrive with a palette of puppies, toss them into a pen, and then kids of all ages can play with them. It goes without saying that by the end of the day the Puppy Party morphs into a Poopy Party. Sounds similar, yet vastly different.

Lisa was adamant that Emma and Andrew not play with the puppies. For once, Lisa agreed with Crazy Grandma that a Puppy Party is just an open invitation for germs and disease. I suppose it is true that something as cute as puppies could be potentially dangerous. I analogized it to Nazi babies, but once again I was called a dumbass.

Thankfully for Lisa, there were plenty of activities to distract the kids from the cage of ravenous puppies:

Emma never saw a pinecone before, so she found them extremely interesting. She would pick the pinecones off the floor, place them on the blue plate, take them off the blue plate, return the cones to the floor, put the blue plate on the floor, and start all over again. Also, Emma never saw an overweight woman in a wheelchair before, but found her more difficult to lift.

Sidewalk chalk fascinated the kids. Emma and Andrew scribbled pastel colored designs all over the cement. They also tagged a couple of 7-11s and freeway signs.

In order to keep the kids away from the puppies, we allowed them to play with things that we ordinarily would prohibit. Like in the above picture: we let Andrew play with a white boy. The only bad habits he picked up from him were a fascination with Miracle Whip and Barry Manilow.
What's scarier than rabid puppies? Female Asian drivers. We hoped Emma wouldn't perpetuate any stereotypes, but she held up traffic, couldn't parallel park, refused to drive on the freeway, and did not make a left turn on a yellow light.

It's refreshing to see that Andrew inherited my athletic skills. And by skills, I mean the inability to catch a ball, throw a ball, or hit a ball. I don't know if this counts, but many times during P.E. class I was kicked in the balls.

But inevitably, Emma did find the puppy cage and found herself smiling and laughing at the animals. She even uttered a couple of "woof woofs" hoping to communicate with them. Much in the same way that toddlers connect with babies and supermodels connect with ugly musicians, kids of all ages really seem to have a connection with puppies. I don't foresee us having a puppy in the Ichikawa family any time soon, but I think Crazy Grandma is an interesting enough pet for the kids right now.

Day 600 - Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

After almost twenty months of life, I finally broke down and agreed to Emma getting her hair cut professionally.  I thought I have done a rather nice job of keeping Emma's hair out of her eyes, but certain members of my family who shall remain nameless but have breasts and are not lazy suggested that it was now time.  Time for me to part with $25 for something that I could do for free and with minimal blood and scarring.

We decided to take Emma to a place in Tarzana called Lollicuts.  It has been named one of the best places in Los Angeles for kid's haircuts and the price was reasonable enough.  As you can see in the picture, the kids get their hair cut in these fancy pretend vehicles.  If you're fashionable like Emma, you can sit in a yellow Porsche.  If you're a liberal, they have Toyota Priuses.  And if you're down on your luck or out of work, you can sit in a GM or a Chrysler.

I was mighty proud of Emma because she didn't fuss once when she was getting her haircut.  There was another kid sitting next to Emma who was crying and yelling and bawling his head off.  Granted his ear was cut off, but come on, you have two ears!  Who really cares a damn about the lobes?

After about five or ten minutes, Emma went from this...

...to this:

Lisa was mighty happy with Emma's hair because she liked the bangs short, plus Emma's hair was put up with a couple of little pony tails.  I also think Emma looks a lot better than before, but for some reason I think the bangs look a little too short.  In the picture above, she looks like an extra from "Memoirs of a Geisha" or she's auditioning for a Yoshinoya television commercial.  I think I'll continue to trim Emma's hair for the next few months, but I will start to save my dollar bills for another special visit to Lollicuts.  And if I can hold out another extra month, I might be able to figure out something else to do with all my dollar bills...

Day 599 - Picture Friday

File me under 'C' for "Cute as a Button!"

As this ultrasound picture confirms, Emma and Andrew were indeed eaten by a boa constrictor.

Andrew encounters an etiquette quandary: If you pay for valet parking, do you still tip the valet?

The always forward-thinking Emma teaches Crazy Grandma how to use a walker.


Have a great weekend!

Day 598 - The Girl With a Thousand Voices

Move over Rich Little and Fred Travalena (They're not dead yet, are they?)! Emma now has an amazing repertoire of animal impressions! Emma has been able to do your basic dog and cat sounds, but recently she has added a few more grunts and groans to her collection. Speaking of which, Lisa has added a few more grunts and groans to her collection too: Grunts when she's picking something up, and groans when she hears me tell a joke.

Here's a short video clip of some of Emma's impressions. There's a bonus one at the very end, but I'm not too sure how to interpret it. I'm staying out of this one. What do you think?

Day 596 - Summer Movie Continued

I know this blog is more about Emma and Andrew, but I found a couple of cool clips regarding the movies Lisa and I want to see this summer. The first clip is a little snippet from "Up" that opens up on May 29th. Even better, the movie is in 3-D which is always a great experience because it gives people a chance to call me six-eyes.

The second clip is a brand-new trailer from one of this summer's hit action films.

Enjoy!!!

Day 595 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked what movie should we see this summer. It was a tight race, but Pixar, watch out! Thirty-eight percent of you would rather see this summer's potential break-out hit "Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Movietime" than "Up." Imagine the merchandising bonanza with "Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Movietime!" Kids could have their very own Crazy Grandma Ichikawa plush doll that says catchphrases like "Me no rike!" or "Crean sink wit q-tip!" or "Me nag nag nag all day rong!"

Personally, the movie I want to see most on the list is "Up." Pixar movies are always a guaranteed good time, and I can't think of any one who has had more consecutive hits (unless you count poor little me on the school yard in 3rd grade...). Hopefully Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa will have enough energy left in them on the weekends for us to see a few more movies before they leave. And if not, the best thing about living in Los Angeles is that you can easily find a last minute babysitter in front of any 7-11 or Home Depot at a very reasonable price.

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The weather has been really nice here in Los Angeles lately. Just cool enough to wear a light jacket, but warm enough not to wear pants. It looks like this Memorial Weekend the weather should be in the mid-70s -- which means not only will I not wear pants, but underwear may be optional.

I know I've been a grouch about taking the kids on little weekend excursions, but I'm thinking that since we have a long weekend it might be nice to do something different. Remembering that the kids are 19 months old and have the attention span of people attending a narcolepsy conference, what would be an appropriate activity this weekend? The park? The beach? Electronic Fry's Memorial Weekend Sale?

Day 594 - 3rd Street Prome-not

Today we decided to take the kids outside and take a nice stroll down the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica. For those of you not familiar with 3rd Street, it's a pedestrian promenade between 2nd and 4th Street in Santa Monica. Just a few more blocks east is 5th Street, and if you go a little further you'll hit 6th and 7th Street. Did I describe it well enough for you?

As with most well intentioned trips with the kids, you start out with a positive attitude and by the end of the day you're exhausted and in dire need of some Xanax, Zoloft, and whiskey. Personally, I don't believe in the use of drugs and alcohol to remedy your problems. I like to resolve my problems the good old fashioned way -- with hookers and handcuffs.

Our slow spiral downwards started with lunch at Le Pain Quotidien. Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa also came so we all sat down around the community table. As soon as we put Emma and Andrew in their high chairs, they became restless. Emma squirmed, but Andrew squirmed and made sounds that were either Tasmanian devil mating calls or greetings heard at the annual Flatulence Festival.

Our waiter thought he would help us out by giving the kids plastic cups of water with straws, but it really just made the situation worse. Emma and Andrew refused to touch their sippy cups and would only drink out of the plastic cups. Andrew started to squeeze his cup so hard that the lid popped off and water poured out, and Emma shook her cup up and down splashing water all over the place. The poor couple next to us looked like foreign visitors at Sea World who didn't realize they were sitting in the Splash Zone during the Shamu show.

Finally the food arrived. We ordered a bread basket for the table, and I received my turkey sandwich. Just as I was about to grab my food, Lisa moved the bread basket into my glass of water. The water spilled all over the table, my sandwich, and my lap...specifically my crotch. It was an embarrassing stain, yet strangely refreshing at the same time.

Towards the end of the meal, the kids were getting bored. We could tell they wanted to leave because they kept on saying, "Mere et pere, je veux partir!" Amazing they could learn French in 45 minutes, non? Lisa and I decided that once we got back on the promenade, we would let the kids walk around to stretch their legs.

Bad idea.

How could we be so stupid to let our kids walk around the promenade when they are so little and wobbly? Being little Japanese people ourselves, we should've known how dangerous it is to walk around towering white people! We told Crazy Grandma that we wanted to put the kids back into the stroller, but Crazy Grandma said that she would watch Andrew. While Crazy Grandma was crouched over trying to catch Andrew, I was trying to put Emma into the stroller. Emma did everything she could do to stay out of the stroller. She grabbed me. She kicked me. She tazered me.

Meanwhile, Crazy Grandma and Andrew were talking to another family about 50 feet away. In the corner of my eye, I noticed everyone laughing. I checked my pants, but the water stain was gone. I looked closer, and realized Andrew was flirting with a little girl! He kept on blowing kisses to her over and over again. I think Andrew eventually won her over because they exchanged diapers and have a play date on Saturday.

We painfully made our way back to the parking garage and drove home. While driving, I was thinking how I have these grand thoughts of taking a family trip to the zoo or an aquarium. But how could we survive that if we can hardly make it through a day on a promenade? I've asked friends with older kids, and they tell me that our kids need to be a little older before you can go on trips. When I ask how old, they tell me 50. Then when I tell them that I'd be dead by then, they respond with a knowing smile, "Exactly."

Day 593 - Dirty In the Tub

Lisa and I alternate which kid we wash. One day, Lisa will wash Andrew and the next day she'll wash Emma. We also alternate which grandparent we wash. That usually takes longer because it often involves shaving.

Tonight, I was giving Andrew a bath. It's usually the same routine every night: wash his face, wash his hair, and wash his body. If I'm extra lucky, Andrew might perform his very own Bellagio water fountain show. It consists of one fountain and very yellow water.

As I was scrubbing his body, something unusual happened. When I approached his "jacks and balls" area, he very simply uttered, "Uh-oh!" I stopped for a moment, laughed, and finished giving Andrew a bath. But for a brief moment, I felt a little dirty.

I really don't know why Andrew said "Uh-oh!" because he has never said that before. And I'm not too sure why I felt like I violated his personal space, but I did. I started to think of how far I have come from fearing the diaper changes and baths to feeling so undaunted and nonchalant about them that I now laugh in the face of poopy smears and pee-pee sprays. Yet with the two little words of "Uh-oh!" I briefly regressed to a state of parenthood embarrassment.

There are worse things that Andrew could've said in the bath like "more," "no means no," or "tell me when you want me to cough." It was probably just a coincidental utterance that makes for a better story than anything else. In the meantime, Lisa just finished giving Crazy Grandma a sponge bath, so I better get the razors ready for Lazy Grandpa's bath (Who knew Japanese could be so hairy!).

Day 592 - Picture Friday

"Why must you ridicule me like this?"

"Chinese, Japanese...oh hell. Our eyes all look alike."

"Eat your heart out, Gene Simmons!"

After watching X-Men on television, Andrew reveals his secret identity: Plastico.

Have a great weekend...cleaning up this mess.

Day 591 - Letters of Complaint

Lisa's school had a book fair, so she bought the kids a couple of books: a book about Spring, a counting book with frogs, a coloring book based on the best-selling book "The Joy of Sex", and an alphabet sing-a-long book. After using all the crayons from our 120 count box, I decided to take a look at the alphabet book.

I had the kids sit next to me, and I started to sing the alphabet song from memory (Pretty impressive, eh?): a b c d e f g h i j k lmnop q r s t u v w x y z. Andrew enjoyed the book so he asked me to sing the song several more times. The next time I sang, I slowed down when I hit the tongue twisting rap of the "lmnop" stretch.

I started to think to myself that the alphabet song is misguided because it doesn't give the same emphasis to each letter. Why do you need to have the "lmnop" letters rushed through? It even contains a vowel! If any part of the alphabet should be rushed through, it should be the "vwx" section. Let's take this sentence for example: His friend's lass is slick. If a child can't remember the "lmnop" letters, the sentence would become: His friend's ass is sick. I don't even want to think what would happen with this sentence: Fluck that sphit.

In other situations, you would never rush through something that needs to be memorized. What if you were on an airplane that was about to crash, and the pilot says over the speakers, "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to make an emergency landing. I see no reason why we would not make a safe landing, but just in case there is a problem, the most important thing for you to do in order to survive this landing is to keepyourheadsbetweenyourkneesandkeepyourseatbeltonandafterwelandbesuretoexitimmediatelybutnotthereardoorbecausethereisahungrylionbackthere."

Until someone tells me of a new alphabet song, I will continue to use the standard old one and slow down when I hit the dreaded "lmnop" letters. I tried to explain to Lisa my problem with the song, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. I wrote down phonetically what she said and it came out like this: Scott, stop worrying and stop being the biggestdumbassknowntomankind. Anyone? Anybody?

Day 590 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 589 - Dancing Fools

On the computer, we have created playlists for the kids so they can listen to music throughout the day. For instance, one playlist is nothing but Disney songs. Another playlist is nothing but traditional children songs. And the final playlist is nothing but Tupac.

Occasionally, the kids will take it upon themselves to dance to the music. Sadly, the dancing looks like a really awful mix of drunk Asians doing tai chi and mad cow disease. Thankfully, toddlers can get away with their inability to do proper jazz hands because whatever they try to do at this age is pretty dang cute. I really should show the kids how their daddy performed the "Shipoopi" dance from "The Music Man."

Here's a short video clip of the kids attempting to dance.

Day 588 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked whether or not I might be able to do something more with this blog. Seventy-two percent believed that I could, sixteen percent thought I should give it a shot, and one person mentioned he got to this blog by doing a Google search for 'edamames' (thanks for voting though!). I've been brainstorming about what I could actually do with this blog. I have over 600 entries so far, so I guess I could try to write a book about raising twins from a father's perspective. Or I can try to network with other parenting blog sites to increase traffic and possibly get some advertising revenue. Or I could write a screenplay, title it "Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Movietime!", cast one of the moms from "The Joy Luck Club" movie, and make millions!

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Having Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa around to babysit the kids is a great thing for several reasons: 1) They get time to bond with Emma and Andrew. 2) They give me plenty of stories for this blog. 3) They give Lisa and I time to see movies on the weekends. Before the kids were born, Lisa and I would go see movies almost every weekend. The weekends would always consist of errands, a movie, and debauchery in a brothel.

Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa will return to Sacramento at the end of June, so Lisa and I need to figure out what summer movies are worth seeing. What movies do you think are worth seeing this summer? Since I enjoy seeing movies that I can relate to, I'm looking forward to "Drag Me to Hell", "My Life in Ruins", and "The Hangover."

Day 587 - Happy Mother's Day

Today we celebrate Mother's Day -- the day your mom passed her placenta from her vah-jay-jay. Every year I explain to Lisa that Mother's Day should really be a day that she tries to show her worth as a mother; it should be a test day. Instead of me doing everything for her, she should show what she can do for me. How well can she make breakfast? Can she vacuum the house without missing any spots? Can she make dinner, feed the kids, give them a bath, and brush their teeth before I get back from the strip club?

Alas, just like last year, Lisa looked at me, placed her arms gently on my shoulders, and kicked me in the balls. Sigh...when will I learn?

As usual, I tried to make Mother's Day as relaxing as possible for Lisa. Not only did this include me doing the cooking and household chores, but it also meant I had to keep my mouth shut from saying sarcastic and stupid things. For breakfast, I made cinnamon french toast stuffed with bananas and peanut butter. In the afternoon, we all went to the mall where we ate lunch and Lisa did some shopping. And for dinner, Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa came over, and we ate spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, and garlic bread.

If you click the video below, you can see Lisa and Crazy Grandma opening their presents. Lisa got candy, opal earrings, and hand prints of the kids. As for Crazy Grandma, we got her a gift card for a Burke Williams spa massage. Did she like the gift card? Just watch the video for her reaction...sigh.

Day 586 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

Log into your Evite account and invite all of your favorite schizophrenic, manic depressive, and psychotic friends because it's time for another edition of...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Not that I need any help to establish my reputation as a geek, but I purchased advanced tickets to see Star Trek tonight. Furthermore, I took out my blue spandex out of the closet and glued elephant foreskin to my ears to live long and prosper.

Our movie started at 8:30p which was perfect timing for Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa because the kids would be asleep and all they would have to do is so what they would do at home: watch TV and have sex. See! We really do need a new sofa!

I had The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on blu-ray, so my parents decided to watch that while we were gone. For those of you not familiar with the movie, it's based on a F. Scott Fitzgerald short story about a baby born as an old man and ages backwards which in turn is based on a Gary Marshall character named "Mearth" who is also born as an old man and ages backwards from the television show "Mork and Mindy." Or is it vice versa?

Nevertheless, when we returned home from Star Trek (which was great!), my parents were watching the last 15-20 minutes of Benjamin Button. You can usually tell how much my parents enjoy a movie by their alertness. If they're both awake, the movie is good. If my dad is awake and my mom is asleep, the movie is so-so. If they're both asleep, either the movie sucked or they just finished having sex on the sofa.

When the end credits started to roll, Lisa asked my parents what they thought of the movie. My dad thought he was going to be bored by it, but it kept his interest and was better than he thought. And Crazy Grandma said, "It amazing it true story!"

...

...

WHAT?!?

Lisa and Lazy Grandpa just looked at Crazy Grandma as if she was...well...crazy!

"Yaaaah," continued Crazy Grandma. "I dunno how person born old, but turn into baby. Weird, riiight? I glad I no turn out rike dat! I no wanna be baby again. Dat crazy!"

Lazy Grandpa asked Crazy Grandma why she thought the movie was based on a true story. She answered, "It dah-cue-men-terry, right? Based on true story, right? Dat what Scotty say."

Alas, that last part was true. Before Crazy Grandma started to watch the movie, I jokingly told her that the movie was based on a true story. I told her it's like those children who age really fast, except in this situation they age backwards in real time. And yes...I also told her The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was a documentary.

As we all laughed, our sounds drowned out Crazy Grandma yelling, "SCOTTIEEEEEE! WHY YOU DO DAT TO ME? STOP IT! AAAHHH! YOU STOOPID! AH! NO FUN! AHHHHHH!"

Day 585 - Picture Friday

It's Marsupial Time at the Ichikawa household!

"Look how beautiful! Flowers, trees, and pigeon carcass!"

Is Andrew: 1) Doing a dance tribute to Billy Elliot? 2) Practicing for ballet class? 3) Released the fart to end all farts?

Andrew's impersonation of Daddy's armpits.


Have a great weekend (...in the emergency room...)!

Day 584 - Puzzle Me This

Crazy Grandma Ichikawa bought the kids this Mickey Mouse Clubhouse puzzle. It's soft, plush, and plastic...like most Hollywood actress's lips. When you put all of the pieces together, you create a picture of Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, and Goofy.

Since Andrew sleeps with a Mickey Mouse doll, Emma sleeps with a Minnie Mouse doll (and I sleep with a whore), the kids recognize the pictures on the puzzle. You can ask them to point to a specific character, and they can do it. Not only does this mean that they can correlate names to pictures, but it also means that when we visit Disneyland for the first time, we'll be spending several hundred dollars on useless merchandise like Mickey Mouse foam hands or a cryogenic chamber containing Walt Disney.

Neither of the kids are capable of putting the puzzle together on their own, so we help them. We lay the appropriate pieces on top of each other so the kids just have to push the pieces together. When they put the pieces together, we encourage them by applauding. When they can't put the pieces together, we ridicule them and throw stones at them.

I've seen Crazy Grandma Ichikawa help the kids put the puzzle together, and I've caught her occasionally trying to put the wrong pieces together. Crazy Grandma will look confused, scratch her head, and then say, "Ahhh! Stupid puzzle!" as if it was the puzzle's fault for causing her moment of disgrace. But the best part of watching Crazy Grandma mess up is seeing the kids ridicule her and throw stones at her. They're so cute at this age...

Day 583 - Cartoon Wednesday