Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Day 575 - Bloody Awful Day

What's worse then taking the twins to the doctors? Taking the twins to the doctor with Crazy Grandma Ichikawa.

Since Lisa had to attend a mandatory teachers' conference, Crazy Grandma was nice enough to accompany me to the doctor's office. It was time for the kids' eighteen month check-up, and I've got to say that it was much more stressful and tiring than usual.

Only three months had passed between appointments, but I don't remember the kids being so active and impatient as the last time. Although it is nice we don't have to lug our big ass stroller around as much any more, the flip side is that you have two very mobile kids. Two very mobile kids in a small examination room. It felt like you hit the multi-ball on a pinball machine, and all of the balls got stuck between two thumper bumpers...and the balls never stopped moving.

I could tell Crazy Grandma was getting very stressed in the examination room because the kids were touching everything in the room. As you well know, Crazy Grandma is a bit of a germaphobe. So imagine her horror when the kids were touching the garbage can, sitting on the floor, climbing on chairs, sticking their head in the hazardous waste bin, and picking their teeth with used needles. She started using Purell so much on their hands that I think Purell's stock price went up $25.

As for the actual examination, the kids are thankfully still very healthy. Emma is 25 lbs and 14 ounces (70th percentile) and 33 inches tall (75th percentile). Andrew is 23 pounds and 10 ounces (15th percentile) and 32 inches tall (40th percentile). Ever since birth, Emma has always been a little heavier and taller than Andrew. Hopefully this will not have any effect on Andrew's self-confidence because it really shouldn't. After all, Andrew has a gigantic penis.

The worst part of the examination was that the doctor wanted to draw some blood from the kids. She said that between 18-24 months, the kids should have blood work done to test their iron levels. The kids were already fussy from having a couple of vaccine shots, so I figured might as well do it because how much worse can it get?

Much worse...

I had Emma go first. I plopped her on my lap, and the technician prepped Emma's arm with rubbing alcohol. The needle hit the vein right away, and the vial filled with blood quickly. There was quite a bit of crying and fussing. Mostly from me because Emma kept on kicking me in my balls. But it was over with quickly and there was one kid left.

Up went Andrew on my tender lap. I quickly saw that as the nurse put rubbing alcohol on Andrew's arm, I did not see a vein like I saw on Emma's arm. In went the needle and out came nothing. Andrew's arm was like a infertile man: shooting blanks. Andrew was screaming with runny gunk coming out of his eyes, nose, and mouth. I kept on trying to calm Andrew down as the nurse was trying to find a vein. The nurse was slowly moving the needle in his arm searching for something...anything! Finally some blood came out and the vial slowly filled up...until it stopped. There was more needle moving. A little more blood. More needle moving. More blood. And the poor little guy was crying as if he was being kicked in the balls. Oh wait. That was me again.

What seemed like an eternity to fill up a tiny, damn vial finally ended. I didn't realize it, but Crazy Grandma couldn't stand to watch what was going on so she actually left the room with Emma. So I quickly grabbed all of our belongings and left the doctor's office exhausted, tired, and ever-so-tender between the legs.

I think today was the first time I experienced the pain you feel as a parent when your child is in pain. You feel pretty helpless, and you just want the whole thing to be over with so you can see your kid happy again. But what made today's experience even worse for me is the plain simple fact that both kids were kicking me in the nuts. Talk about painful. Over the course of five minutes, I think they changed my can of chunky nuts to smooth.

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