Day 577 - ...and Emma Ran Away With the Spoon.

Emma has finally mastered the spoon. For a long time, she was either not able to keep the food on the spoon, or if there was food on the spoon it would just reach any facial orifice except the mouth. Andrew still isn't 100% there with the spoon because he tends to find it much more amusing and fun to use his hands to feed himself much to the dismay of his parents, the rug, and the walls.

Here's a video clip of Emma eating breakfast by herself. Towards the end of the clip, you'll see a guest appearance by a frustrated Lisa who is looking for Emma's missing sippy cup. Notice how Lisa tosses pillows with extreme disdain. Poor pillows.

Day 576 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 575 - Bloody Awful Day

What's worse then taking the twins to the doctors? Taking the twins to the doctor with Crazy Grandma Ichikawa.

Since Lisa had to attend a mandatory teachers' conference, Crazy Grandma was nice enough to accompany me to the doctor's office. It was time for the kids' eighteen month check-up, and I've got to say that it was much more stressful and tiring than usual.

Only three months had passed between appointments, but I don't remember the kids being so active and impatient as the last time. Although it is nice we don't have to lug our big ass stroller around as much any more, the flip side is that you have two very mobile kids. Two very mobile kids in a small examination room. It felt like you hit the multi-ball on a pinball machine, and all of the balls got stuck between two thumper bumpers...and the balls never stopped moving.

I could tell Crazy Grandma was getting very stressed in the examination room because the kids were touching everything in the room. As you well know, Crazy Grandma is a bit of a germaphobe. So imagine her horror when the kids were touching the garbage can, sitting on the floor, climbing on chairs, sticking their head in the hazardous waste bin, and picking their teeth with used needles. She started using Purell so much on their hands that I think Purell's stock price went up $25.

As for the actual examination, the kids are thankfully still very healthy. Emma is 25 lbs and 14 ounces (70th percentile) and 33 inches tall (75th percentile). Andrew is 23 pounds and 10 ounces (15th percentile) and 32 inches tall (40th percentile). Ever since birth, Emma has always been a little heavier and taller than Andrew. Hopefully this will not have any effect on Andrew's self-confidence because it really shouldn't. After all, Andrew has a gigantic penis.

The worst part of the examination was that the doctor wanted to draw some blood from the kids. She said that between 18-24 months, the kids should have blood work done to test their iron levels. The kids were already fussy from having a couple of vaccine shots, so I figured might as well do it because how much worse can it get?

Much worse...

I had Emma go first. I plopped her on my lap, and the technician prepped Emma's arm with rubbing alcohol. The needle hit the vein right away, and the vial filled with blood quickly. There was quite a bit of crying and fussing. Mostly from me because Emma kept on kicking me in my balls. But it was over with quickly and there was one kid left.

Up went Andrew on my tender lap. I quickly saw that as the nurse put rubbing alcohol on Andrew's arm, I did not see a vein like I saw on Emma's arm. In went the needle and out came nothing. Andrew's arm was like a infertile man: shooting blanks. Andrew was screaming with runny gunk coming out of his eyes, nose, and mouth. I kept on trying to calm Andrew down as the nurse was trying to find a vein. The nurse was slowly moving the needle in his arm searching for something...anything! Finally some blood came out and the vial slowly filled up...until it stopped. There was more needle moving. A little more blood. More needle moving. More blood. And the poor little guy was crying as if he was being kicked in the balls. Oh wait. That was me again.

What seemed like an eternity to fill up a tiny, damn vial finally ended. I didn't realize it, but Crazy Grandma couldn't stand to watch what was going on so she actually left the room with Emma. So I quickly grabbed all of our belongings and left the doctor's office exhausted, tired, and ever-so-tender between the legs.

I think today was the first time I experienced the pain you feel as a parent when your child is in pain. You feel pretty helpless, and you just want the whole thing to be over with so you can see your kid happy again. But what made today's experience even worse for me is the plain simple fact that both kids were kicking me in the nuts. Talk about painful. Over the course of five minutes, I think they changed my can of chunky nuts to smooth.

Day 574 - Poll Result & New Poll

Last week, I was wondering who you thought the kids looked like: me or Lisa. Seventy-five percent thought that Andrew looked like me and Emma looked like Lisa (I know...I did a typo in the poll, but hopefully you knew where I was going with it.). And only sixteen percent thought that Andrew looked like Lisa and Emma looked like me.

I don't really want to mention the one person who thought that the kids resembling me at all is a bad thing, but let me address this right now: My dear wife, Lisa. You knew having kids with me would mean they would eventually look like me. So it's your own fault for marrying me. And please stop using the excuse that you didn't know you would get your sight back. Technology advances, and you knew that was a possibility.

**********

If you read my first installment of Auntie Anne's Pretzel Twisted Stories, you know how a misplaced coffee mug became an unfortunate accident with Andrew. Our house has become visually ridiculous because of what we have to do to make the place safe for the kids. Chairs are removed from tables, playpens are barriers in front of the television set, and moats are built around the kitchen. Although I do feel we are going a little overboard at times, Lisa does have a valid point that it is difficult for one person at home to keep an eye on the twins at all times. To which I tell Lisa that each person has TWO eyes. Scott: One. Lisa: Zero.

When Pediatric Intensive Care Nurse Auntie Susan found out what happened to Andrew, she said this:

I don't know what to say and can barely type as I'm shaking so much. I think you need to ban ANY hot drinks when you have his Aunt over, even for a brief 10 minutes. Actually, no hot drinks for any guests unless they drink them in a locked bathroom. I'm serious.

What she says makes sense, but what do you think? Should we ban hot drinks around the house? Should we let our guests drink hot drinks in a locked bathroom? Should we install an espresso machine on top of our toilet?

Day 573 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

Don't think your eyes are fooling you. You really are seeing someone clean the entire bathroom with a box q-tips because it's...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

As I mentioned earlier, Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) was in town. Before she returned to New York, my parents bought her a cake since her birthday is on May 5th. Little known fact: In Japan, May 5th is known as Boy's Day. Even less known fact: Auntie Anne aptly has a penis.

Crazy Grandma Ichikawa loves her dessert. She bought a Chocolate Parisian cake which was pretty darn good. It looked very heavy, but was surprisingly light. Much like overweight people dancing.

There was quite a bit of leftover cake so we stuck it in the fridge for a later date. But Crazy Grandma Ichikawa told us that she was going to have a big piece of cake for breakfast tomorrow. Her surprisingly logical theory is that it's better to have dessert in the morning because you'll be able to burn off more calories throughout the day.

As we were cleaning up, Crazy Grandma kept on talking about the cake. She was being very forceful about making sure there was a nice big piece of cake for her to eat in the morning.

It got to the point where Crazy Grandma shouted out proudly to everyone in the kitchen, "You bettah naht touch mah cake! I want big piece! I can't wait to get five inches in mah mouth!"

There are so many things I can say right now that would make me vomit that I am just going to stop typing and turn off my computer...

Day 572 - Auntie Anne's Pretzel Twisted Tales

The moon is full, and there's a distant, horrifying howl. This can only mean one of two things: Either Scott walked out of the bathroom without his pants and Lisa dry-heaved or...it's time for Auntie Anne's Pretzel Twisted Tales!

For two weeks, Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) paid us a visit. She hadn't seen us, the kids, or Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa since January. It's always interesting when Auntie Anne stays with us because it reminds me of what it was like growing up with her.

Why oh why, did she stay with us?

Yet during her stay, Auntie Anne was pretty helpful. She would cook dinner (pretzels), fold the laundry (in the shape of pretzels), and play with the kids. One game in particular the kids loved. She would dip the kids in melted butter, salt them, and wrap them in parchment paper. I had a few pictures of that, but I think the cops confiscated them for evidence.

The one thing that Auntie Anne was not very good at was putting things away. The kids have become very good at grabbing things. They go on their tippy toes. They use boxes as step stools. They also received their forklift licenses. These kids could do their own Thomas Crown Affair heist. They're that good.

Lisa and I would remind Auntie Anne to make sure she put away her ipod, digital camera, and bag of razor blades in a safe place. Basically anything that she didn't want the kids to touch, she had better put away. There was a time when Andrew found Auntie Anne's bra on the side of the sofa which is safe enough, but that was something I didn't want the kids to touch. Especially Andrew. We had a hard enough time having him return Lisa's thongs.

While Lisa and I were in the kitchen doing dishes after breakfast, Auntie Anne was entertaining the kids with hilarious stories about the pretzel industry. All of a sudden, we hear an "Oh no!" and then Andrew started to cry. At first I thought Andrew found Auntie Anne's bra again, but it was worse. Andrew spilled a mug of coffee on himself!

First thing first, don't worry. I was able to take the coffee stain off the rug and sofa. Secondly, Andrew was fine. Thankfully, the mug was full of lukewarm coffee. Auntie Anne left her coffee mug on the edge of our bookshelf, and Andrew was able to get on his tippy toes to grab it. I think Andrew cried because he was more scared of our reaction than the actual coffee spilling on him. We had Auntie Anne screaming, "Are you okay?" And Lisa was screaming, "Was the coffee hot?" And I was screaming, "Where's the upholstery cleaner?"

We know it was an accident so we didn't get too angry at Auntie Anne -- after all, we want some of that pretzel money when she dies. At least she learned to be more careful when the kids are around. And as for Andrew, he's 100% fine and probably forgot the entire incident. Except for the fact that he actually got a little taste of coffee that day and is now addicted to lattes and americanos. Talk about a wired kid!

Day 571 - Picture Friday

"...dis...tastes...rike...crap..."

"(titter giggle titter) I find myself SO amusing and witty (giggle titter giggle)!"

"This is the coolest toilet ever!"

"Buy!" "Sell!" "Buy!" "Sell!"

Crazy Grandma teaches Andrew what old people smell like.

Have a great weekend!

Day 571 - Live Long and Prosper

I'm not a big sci-fi geek, but I am excited for the new "Star Trek" movie that is coming out. I was surfing the internet and found this pretty funny program that lets you upload pictures and then it morphs you into a Star Trek character. I was doing it with a bunch of random photos, and I was cracking up despite the fact that Lisa found my laughter and this program annoying. So I guess although I may not be a sci-fi geek, I'm definitely a plain and simple geek.

Day 570 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 569 - Auntie Anne (Pretzel Maven) Visits!

Here's an entry from Auntie Anne (pretzel maven):

My stay at Casa de Hermano was pretty good. I hadn’t seen Emma or Andrew since Christmas, and--boy--they changed a lot! They drool less, eat more, and their poops are solid. Most interestingly, they are developing distinctive personalities. I noticed Emma is much more patient. For instance, when playing with a toy, she will fiddle with it until she figures it out. Andrew, on the other hand, will spend a few seconds, yell “BAH DADADA!!!!” throw it on the ground and run onto to next thing. Emma, typical of a girl, is more affectionate. She likes to hug and kiss. Andrew just sort of gives you a blank stare and head butts you.

But the biggest difference I noticed is Emma has a distinct interest in food. Even after a meal of rice, chicken, vegetables and fruit, she still has the appetite of Dom Deluise. If I ate something in front of her, she’d climb into my lap and say, “Momomomo, bah bah!” Which in baby talk means: “Excuse me, Auntie—give me some of that cereal right now or I will start crying and make you rue the day I was ever born.” Sometimes, I’d give her little pieces food if it was baby appropriate (Planter’s Nut Mix, honey, popcorn), but most of the time, she got denied. Even Pretzel Maven’s have to draw the line somewhere.

Since it was impossible to eat in front of her without being harassed by her chubby hands, I pretty much spent two weeks eating standing up in Scott’s baby proofed kitchen. Andrew, on the other hand, doesn’t share the same interest in food as his sister, which is why he still shops in the petite baby section, while Emma now has to shop at the Baby Big and Tall store.

It looks like Emma and Andrew are turning into two interesting kids. That is, if their dad’s cross-dressing habits and mother’s obsession Zac Efron doesn’t damage them too much. At least they have Crazy Grandma. Lazy Grandpa and Pretzel Maven to rely on. Pretzel Dogs for everyone!

Day 568 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked how far I should go with child-proofing the house. Sixty-seven percent of you thought I should just child-proof the basics (i.e. toilets, cabinets, electrical plugs) and forget the rest (i.e. guns, explosives, feral animals). Then there was twenty-six percent of you who said that your parents didn't child-proof, and you turned out just fine. Ironically, as I checked my sitemeter and determined my demographics from last week, exactly twenty-six percent of my blog visitors were amputees, fire victims, and dead.

I think we will stick to the child-proofing basics, and just keep a close eye on the kids around the house. There will be occasional times when it will be easier to remove something from a room, but I think once the kids reach the point where they can better grasp cause and effect, we'll go ahead and put the object back. Case in point, we've removed Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) from the living room for the past few months. Not too sure when we're going to put Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) back, but there's an awfully rancid smell coming from the basement

**********

When the kids were born, people thought Andrew looked like me and Emma looked like Lisa. But now that many months have past, Lisa and I have been getting different feedback. Some times people say Andrew looks like Lisa in a certain angle. And other people say that Emma looks like me in a certain angle. Sadly for me, the angle they often reference is my concave groin area.

Being with the kids all of the time makes it difficult for Lisa and I to determine if one kid looks like us. What do you think? Who do you think the kids look like? Here are some pictures to help you figure it out.

Day 567 - Mini Emma

Upon opening up a new toy for the kids, guess what we found? True, we found rat droppings, but more importantly we found a little plastic doll that looks like Emma!

Look at that picture of the doll. Doesn't it look like Emma with those squinty eyes and chubby cheeks? I'm not too sure what those two silver things are in her hands, but I'm guessing that they are either coins or tins of chewing tobacco. Emma loves her Chattanooga Chew and Hello Kitty spittoon.

Lisa and I have named the doll Little Emma. If we ask Emma to go find Little Emma, she knows exactly who we are talking about. Initially, there was a little confusion because Emma would go to a midget farm looking for a girl named Emma. But that soon stopped after the midgets won a case against Emma in small claims court.

I wonder whether or not Emma realizes that Little Emma is suppose to be her. On one hand, I think she does. But on the other hand, it is a little freaky and weird if she does. There are times when Emma is playing time with Little Emma, and she is just hugging and kissing it. I find that a little strange, but I suppose all kids go through a time when they enjoy playing with themselves. Umm...yah...anyhoo...

Here are a few pictures of Emma with Little Emma!

Day 566 - Grunt Runt

Work has been pretty exhausting the past few weeks, and it probably won't let up for at least another week. This is all to say that I'll keep up on the "daily" posts, but they'll most likely be behind a few days.

Speaking of behinds, Andrew has been a little constipated for the past day or two. Perhaps he might be a little dehydrated because of the recent hot weather or maybe he's trying to save a little morsel between his cheeks like a chipmunk.

Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) took a video of our poor little constipated boy trying to take a crap. A proud moment for any parent...

Day 565 - Picture Friday

Please do not feed the Emma-mals.

Due to tough economic times, the kids are now sleeping in wicker baskets.

If you thought Andrew's Hitler haircut was bad, take a look at Scott's latest masterpiece.

Andrew enjoys walking around the house showing off his toned tummy to remind his Dad how flabby his tummy is.

The hottest baby trend: crib pilates.

Have a great weekend!

Day 564 - Ottoman Oh Man

The kids climb around the house as much as they drive us up the walls. They have figured out that they can push objects together to create a make-shift staircase. They once made a staircase up to the dining room table with a plastic bucket, an Elmo doll, and my ass.

The other day, Emma and Andrew climbed on top of these ottomans in the living room. Andrew gave a gentle push to Emma which was hard enough to topple her over. Although the ottoman was only a few feet tall, you'd think from Emma's dramatic crying that she either fell off a cliff or her 401k fell off a cliff.

Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa tried to console Emma. All of the attention towards Emma made Andrew feel left out. So what did he do? He coyly walked up to our entertainment cabinet and bumped his should against it. Not once, but twice. Then he walked up to Lazy Grandpa, pointed to his self-inflicted bump, and whined for comfort.

I found this story interesting in two ways. First of all, it shows that Andrew is interpreting situations and emotions in a more complicated way. I did not know that "attention whore" would be an emotion that would be exhibited so early on. Secondly, why did he go to Lazy Grandpa for help? All Lazy Grandpa did was change the television channel to Sesame Street and fall back asleep.

But Crazy Grandma disagreed with my interpretation of this event. She thought Andrew was showing sympathy and guilt for what he did. Andrew felt so terrible that he decided he would inflict pain upon himself. I have three words for Crazy Grandma's take on this incident: Kah. Ray. Zee!

I can only imagine what Crazy Grandma would think of other things Andrew might do in the future. What if Andrew flunks a test? Would Crazy Grandma think Andrew was just thinking of the entire class and sacrificed his grade in order to lower the curve? What if Andrew gets into a car accident? Would Crazy Grandma think Andrew wanted to make sure the air bags were in proper working condition? And what if Andrew gets into a fight? Would Crazy Grandma think Andrew just wanted to show that he's not a musical loving wimpy boy unlike his Dad?

Day 563 - Cartoon Wednesday (finally!)

Day 562 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

It's time to curl up next to your padded wall because here's another edition of...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Last weekend, I gave Emma and Andrew a haircut. Emma was starting to look like Cousin It, and Andrew's do was so out of control it looked like Ed Asner's back hair after a shiatsu massage.

Each time I give the kids a haircut, I feel a little more confident in my ability. I'm starting to cut Emma's bangs straight on my first try, and I'm using the electric razor with more skill on Andrew's head. The best part of all is that the carpet isn't stained with blood from sloppy scissor handling.

When Crazy Grandma saw the kids after their haircut, she was very surprised that I did such a good job.

"Did ewwwww doooo dis? Wow! You rike a profishunal bahber!" exclaimed Crazy Grandma. "You give SUPAH cuts! Git it? SUPAH cuts! Hahahahaha!"

For once, Crazy Grandma didn't have anything to criticize or complain about. You must understand that Crazy Grandma always has something to say. Even on the most perfect and joyous of days, Crazy Grandma can zero in on something that's not quite right. For instance, on the day that Emma and Andrew were born only Crazy Grandma noticed that Lisa could've used a bikini wax.

While I have been basking in my glory, my sister broke the news to me today that Crazy Grandma has been secretly criticizing the haircut I gave Andrew! For the past few days, Crazy Grandma was telling Lazy Grandpa and Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) how terrible Andrew looks and how important it is to take him to a "profishunal bahber" to fix the mess.

To top it all off, Crazy Grandma said, "Yu know who Andrew rooks rike now? He rooks rike Hitler!"


What a ridiculous comparison. If you look at the pictures, Hitler clearly parts his hair from the right and Andrews parts it from the left. Now who's the crazy one, Crazy Grandma?

Day 561 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked whether or not it was worth it to spend $500 to enroll the kids in a Gymboree class. Seventy-five percent of you responded that I should save my money and take the kids to a park. Far behind, only fifteen percent thought I should shop around to see if there might be anything less expensive (perhaps like a park?).

Lisa and I decided that $500 is too much to spend on the kids for toddler classes. I did find a nearby play area for kids that only costs $9 per kid for about one hour of play. We may try that a few times, but I really can't justify spending $500 right now. I mean there are so many other things you can do with $500!

Like this! LINK
Or this! LINK
Even 38 of these! LINK

**********

Emma and Andrew are very active and energetic. Or as my dad says while lying on the sofa, "They sure ain't lazy!" Emma loves to walk around outside touching leaves, flowers, and homeless men. She also loves to dance and spin when we're playing music on our stereo system. As for Andrew, he would rather run than walk. One second he's on one side of the room trying to climb the sofa, and the next second he's on the other side throwing stacking blocks in the air.

It sure is fun and tiring to watch the kids play, but week by week we find objects in the house that once seemed harmless become death traps. For example, our dining room chairs. Our chairs were just harmless wooden items to rest our flat, Asian asses on. But then Andrew thought it would be fun to tip them over, and the chairs suddenly became wooden items that could trap Emma on the floor. So we moved all of the chairs into our bedroom.

Since I have been trapped in our bedroom for the past month because the chairs have made it impossible to leave, I wondered how far we need to go to make our house safe for the kids. We have done all of the obvious childproofing like cabinet locks, electrical socket plugs, toilet locks, and turning our bed of nails upside down, but do we need to remove more furniture from the common rooms? When does it come to the point where enough is enough, and we'll just have to deal with some baby bruising?

Day 560 - Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone! Or as us non-Christian folk call it, Tomorrow-We-Have-To-Go-To-Work Day!

Last year we went to our friend's house for Easter when the kids were seven months old. We didn't expect the kids to enjoy Easter traditions like the egg hunt or the rabbit stew, but we still got them out of the house and put rabbit ears on them. Well, twelve months have passed and guess what? The kids still don't care!

I really thought the kids would have a little more interest with Easter activities, but they did not. Andrew had as much fun finding a plastic egg as an old piece of dog poop. And Emma just enjoyed stealing other parent's car keys and staring at white kids. Seriously...look:

From left to right: Emma, white girl.

Emma and Andrew still enjoyed going to our friend's place and playing in their yard. And I think next year the kids will start to understand the significance of Easter. And by significance I don't mean the resurrection of Jesus, but rather the importance of coloring eggs, eating chocolate bunnies, and realizing how disgusting Cadbury creme eggs are. Don't you hate how the true meaning of holidays are lost nowadays?

Day 559 - Costco Rant

Before we had kids, Lisa and I would shop at Costco about once a month. I would buy a few books and movies; Lisa would buy gigantic boxes of tampons and maxipads. We had so many tampon applicators laying around the house, I started to pour fruit punch into them and make popsicles during the summer.

But as I have mentioned in previous entries, Costco has become a weekly adventure. It's almost like going to Disneyland: you're fighting crowds, you spend more money that you planned, and you accidentally leave with someone else's child (If anyone is missing a German speaking child named Badegisel, please give me a call.).

This past weekend, I had to go to Costco by myself. Although I knew exactly where to go and what to buy, I had difficulty getting to my destinations because of those cursed free sample stands. I can't STAND those free sample stands. I love free stuff as much as the next person, but not when it creates a sixteen cart pile up on aisle 275 (Seriously...Costco is that big.).

My cart was full of our weekly essentials: diapers, wipes, produce, and a big ass box of tampons. I just had to get to the back of the warehouse to grab a bag of ciabatta bread. But I could not get to the bread because the entire aisle was blocked with cart after cart of people waiting for a free sample. It looked like a community college version of "Oliver" except the orphans were played by a group of middle aged professionals in their casual Saturday outfit of J. Crew polos and dark shorts that only highlighted their pasty white legs.

My mind was imagining what they could be giving out. A roll of that lush Kirkland brand toilet paper? A six pack of coffins? A two gallon sample of Visine? As my cart wobbled by the free sample cart, my mouth dropped open with shock at what they were giving out: yogurt. WHAT THE F(*@? People were crowding around for a sample of yogurt? It wasn't even fancy yogurt! It was fu#&ing Yoplait! And the sample were in these teeny tiny cups like this...

(actual size)

I know this blog entry doesn't really have anything to do with Emma and Andrew, but on behalf of all parents of multiple children who must trek to their local Costco to stock up on diapers, wipes, and industrial sized boxes of tampons, please be courteous when you grab your free sample. Don't park your cart in the middle of the aisle or eat your sample in an inconvenient location. Just make an orderly line, take your sample, and leave. And if you're idiotic enough to create a scene over a spoon of yogurt, I will find you and force feed you popsicles that may or may not be made with fruit punch.

Day 558 - Picture Friday

"...i vant to be aloooone..."

"Mommy! Tic Tacs for your halitosis!"

A few tragic moments after this picture was taken, the sheer weight on Scott's fragile neck caused his head to break off.

Watch out. It's about to blow!!!

Have a great weekend!

Day 557 - Andrew Ichikawa: Male Stripper

One good thing about twins is that they tend to copy each other. When Andrew learns how to play with a certain toy or puzzle, Emma isn't too far behind figuring out how to do it too. And now that Emma is starting to mimic the sounds of words, Andrew has started to do the same thing too. But one bad thing about twins is that...well...they tend to copy each other.

Not too long ago I posted an entry showing Emma's new found affinity for stripping. It has advanced so much that she has started to bump and grind on all of our floor lamps. Sadly, Andrew has begun to copy his older by one minute sister and is now taking his clothes off too.

The strange thing about Andrew is that when he takes his clothes off, he doesn't look very happy. As a matter of fact, he looks down right uncomfortable. It reminds me of that scene in the movie "Fame" when Irene Cara is duped and has to take her clothes off for the "photographer." Oy...what a feeling.

Day 556 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 555 - Nailing the Problem

Tonight, I was reading the newspaper on the couch and giggling at the canine antics of Marmaduke.  I saw Lisa walk by and stop at the end of the sofa.  I peeked over the paper and Lisa was looking at my feet with disgust.  I found this unusual because she usually saves her disgusted face when she sees other parts of my body like my face, stomach, or ass.  I asked her what was wrong and she just pointed at my toes.

"Your...toenails...are...disgusting," Lisa said with...well...disgust.

I pulled my toes towards my face and what do you know?  Lisa was 100% correct.  My toenails were disgusting.  I tried to think back when I cut them last, and all I could recall was sitting in front of the television set cutting my nails during the finale of "Cheers."  As I continued to stare at my feet, random thoughts fluttered through my odd mind:  How have I been able to get my shoes on?  When I look at the bottom of my big toe, my toenail looks like one gigantic shovel.  Due to their length, could my toenails legally pass through the security checkpoint of an airport?

I have never been the greatest example for personal grooming, but I try to avoid having Lisa tell me I have long nostril hairs no more than twice a month.  Without totally using the kids as a scapegoat, I must say that having twins has made my grooming go down a few notches.  I don't shave as often, my shirts and pants are usually wrinkled, and my hair goes from combed to total rice bowl in a matter of hours.

Emma and Andrew are in this "kinda" stage in their lives.  They can kinda eat by themselves, but can't.  They can kinda communicate with you, but can't.  They can kinda play with each other, but can't.  And what I'm learning from this is that there is just less and less time for yourself.  You start to prioritize what you need to do with the few hours you have to yourself each day.  And obviously cutting your toenails is not high on my list.  It's actually right between nairing Lisa's thighs and wiping down the Diaper Champ.

I never thought Emma and Andrew could make my appearance any worse than it already is, but I guess they did.  I did promise Lisa that I would make time in my busy schedule to cut my toenails after my next shower.  Unfortunately my next shower isn't scheduled for May 17th.  Hope she can wait.