Saturday, December 6, 2008

Day 438 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

Strap on your straitjacket and have Nurse Ratcher give you your pills because it's another installment of Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Either I think my mom thinks I favor Emma or my mom favors Andrew. When Crazy Grandma is around, she notices that I carry Emma more than Andrew. Tis true for two reasons: 1) Emma comes up to me more than Andrew to be carried, and 2) I'm working on my biceps and they look so intimidating now!

Actually I shouldn't say that Crazy Grandma might favor Andrew, but she does worry about him more than Emma. When the kids were born, Emma was taller and heavier than Andrew. Even to this day, Emma is still taller and heavier than Andrew. Hell, she's taller and heavier than my right leg. My mom interprets this to mean that since Andrew is a bit scrawny, he needs a little bit more attention to make sure he grows up big and strong like his average height, Broadway-loving Papa.

Lisa and I invited my parents and sister over for dinner tonight. After eating, we were playing Trivial Pursuit with the kids which is great because they are total dumbasses at the game. Emma eventually came up to me and said in her dulcet tones, "weeeaaaahhh aaahhhh nyaaaahhh wahhhhh!!!" So I picked her up and carried her around the room. Pretty soon, Andrew came up to me and said in his dulcet tones, "Papa, perchance when you could spare a moment might you also tend to my infantile needs and bear my weight in your arms?"

Crazy Grandma saw that I could not carry both kids at the same time, so she leapt over the sofa and swooped Andrew into her arms.

"You need to carry Andrew, too! Bad daddy!" she reprimanded me.

I explained to her that if Andrew came up to me more often, I'd carry him as much as Emma. But just like any growing boy, he just enjoys playing with himself.

"You carry Emma all time and poor Andrew left on floor! Bad daddy! Right, Andrew? Bad daddy!" And with that, she grabbed Andrew's arm and hit me.

"Don't teach him to hit me!"

"Bad daddy! Hit daddy!"

She had Andrew hit me again. This made Emma laugh. I took a step back. Crazy Grandma took a step forward and had Andrew wack me again. Pretty soon, Crazy Grandma was chasing me around the room having Andrew slap me silly.

Of course everyone found this hysterical. My dad, sister, Andrew, and Emma were laughing at the site of Crazy Grandma using her grandson as a weapon. After the chase ended, my mom and I were standing next to each other still holding the kids. After a slight silence, Andrew looked at Emma, laughed, and then HIT Emma. Then Emma laughed, and Andrew hit her again!

That's right. Crazy Grandma taught her grandson how to be a thug. For the past fourteen months, I've been trying to teach Andrew how to sashay and in one night Crazy Grandma got Andrew one step closer to the Yakuza. I know this was all plain silliness and this isn't going to make Andrew into a goon, but it did open my eyes that the kids are entering a phase where they are beginning to mimic things they see. This could explain why the kids have started to play video games, ignore housework, and surf the internet for porn. Oh Lisa...get your act together!

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