Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 1445 - A New First

When I thought things couldn't get weirder with Andrew peeing on my arm, something else happened to me in the bathroom with Andrew.  There are occasions when Andrew goes to pee by himself, and there are times when he's whiny and needy and wants someone to help him.  Today was a whiny and needy day.

The one thing with Andrew is that he's a typical boy:  impatient, scattered, and fast.  Funny enough, those are the three reasons my first girlfriend broke up with me.  And all of those three things apply to Andrew in the bathroom.  The bathroom to him is an inconvenience.  Why must he pee and poop in the toilet when all it does is take him away from something more important like his Legos, Cars toys, and Fox News. 

I pulled down Andrew's pants and waited for him to pee.  But he suddenly turned around and started talking about the books in the magazine rack.  I didn't want him to pee all over the floor, so I used my knee against his butt to get his stream back on track.  As I moved my knee, it got caught in Andrew's butt crack.  And just at that time, Andrew let loose a gigantic, juice fart.

Today was a bad day to wear shorts.

I won't go into much more detail except that my hairy knees are stained with tomato juice amongst other things, and the smell still won't go away.  I'm not too sure what I said after the blast of gas, but it was weird enough that Emma peeked in the bathroom door to make sure everything was okay.  When a four year old is checking up on you, you know you didn't have it all together.

For the record, I've been peed on, pooped on, and now, farted on.  Who knew my previous job as a man-whore would've prepared me for parenthood.  I really hope there is nothing more Andrew can share with me in the bathroom, but just in case, I ordered a month's worth of disposable body condoms and bleach on Amazon.  I will explain my appearance to the kids by saying I'm practicing to be a rotting banana for Halloween.

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