When you talk about what primal thing makes men and women attracted to each other, you can simply say, "Size matters." Men like big boobs and round asses. Women like tall men and big muscles. And the only way that phrase relates to me is that I have an awfully large Playbill collection.
For some reason, size is impressive. If something is unusually large, it creates a certain buzz and excitement. This is exactly what happened to Andrew at school today.
I don't know what, when, or how this event happened. But I guess the best way to describe it is how one of Andrew's teachers described it to Lisa, "I don't know how Andrew did it, but he did a poop the size of a large potato."
That's right. Andrew pooped a fecal potato. It was amazingly large enough that when Lisa arrived to pick-up the kids, all of the teachers were a-flutter with the news.
The teachers surrounded Lisa saying things like "How does someone so small poop so big?" "I don't know how that potato got out of his body!" "Has he ever done this at home?" "Does he plug up the toilet?" It was like the poop-a-razzi.
Lisa took the questions in stride, and laughed along with the teachers. I do find it surreal that the teachers were giddily awaiting Lisa so they could tell her the big news. Since I'm married to a teacher, I have a basic understanding of how teachers communicate and gossip with one another. So I can imagine quite vividly the teacher's lounge conversation about Andrew's potato poop. I would bet you twenty dollars that one teacher used a a balloon, paper mache, and brown tempera paint to recreate the diaper dump.
Regarding size, I don't know how proud you would be to have the talk of the town be about your bowel movement. Nevertheless, size has once again been proven to have an important part in our world. I am sure that at Andrew's preschool, this day will be noted in their anals of history.
2 comments:
Reading your post makes me both sad and mad.
Please tell me that you are not such a detached and/or incompetent parent that you were not aware that your son had not had a bowel movement for many many days.
Also; please tell me that Adam's teachers spared you the anguish of them explaining the pain he felt with moving his bowels; a process that should be pleasurable.
And; please tell me that you have "woken up" to his needs....and that subsequent enlargement of his colon did not end up in the emergency room.....him being treated for fecal impaction.
Teach yourself about encopresis, stool with-holding and chronic constipation. You cannot just assume that Adam's bowels will move; as you would assume that he will breath or sweat.
Please be a mom.
Your son's name is Andrew; not Adam. My mistake.
dufour1026@hushmail.com
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