One afternoon, Emma and Andrew asked me to sing a song. After five minutes of Ava Maria, they grew impatient and wanted something different. I had a mental block and did not know what to sing. Suddenly the melody of "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" popped in my head and out came these Sondheim-esque lyrics:
Oh, Mommy wears diapers all the time.
Oh, Mommy wears diapers all the time.
She goes pee-pee and poo-poo.
She goes pee-pee and poo-poo.
Oh, Mommy wears diapers all the time.
Fine, it's not Sondheim. But I say it's at least as witty as any Cole Porter song.
The kids laughed and asked me to sing it again. At this point, I thought it would be hilarious if I could teach the song to the kids and then they could sing it for Lisa! I closed the bedroom door and begun to sing the song over and over again until it was ingrained in their little noggins.
"Do you want to sing the song for mommy?" I asked the kids.
Emma and Andrew nodded in unison. Eureka! This was going to be the funniest thing since Master P on Dancing With the Stars. I couldn't wait.
As Emma and Andrew sat on the sofa, I called Lisa into the room.
"Lisa," I yelled. "Stop shaving your back and come listen to the song the kids just learned!"
When Lisa entered the living room, I told her the kids had a special song just for her.
"Okay guys," I coached the kids. "When I count to three, sing the song I taught you. One...two...three!"
Silence.
"Come on now. Don't embarrass, Daddy! One...two...THREE!"
More silence.
"Please!" I pleaded. "Mommy's waiting to hear the song."
And then Andrew leaned forward on the sofa, and began to sing the song!
Ohhh...Daddy wear diaper all time.
Daddy wear diaper all time.
Daddy go pee-pee and poo-poo.
Pee-pee and poo-poo.
Daddy wear diaper all time!
Lisa looked at me quizzically as Andrew and Emma laughed at my expense. After explaining to Lisa what the song was suppose to be, she too laughed at my expense. I have no idea when this entire joke blew up in my face, but I have a feeling that I will always be outnumbered, outwitted, and outlasted in this household for a long time to come.
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