Saturday, September 12, 2009

Day 711 - That's Intestinal!

Poor Emma has been constipated. She usually does one or two poops a day, but for the past day and a half I haven't had to change her diaper. You heard me right. In these economic hard times, I believe only a poopy diaper warrants a change. I call that the Ichikawa stimulus package...although Lisa was the first to use that phrase for something completely different. Ruff-ruff!

Even when Emma isn't constipated, you know she's taking a dump because of her body language. She stands with her knees bent, eyes glazed over, and her hands grabbing onto something. Funny enough, this is the exact same body language I use over the toilet when Lisa feeds me week old shrimp cocktail.

After feeding her prunes and having her drink a lot of liquids, I finally saw Emma take her position in the living room. I was so glad she was about to squeeze a turd because I didn't want to go to my last resort which was plunging her ass. Sadly, this bowel movement must've been painful because Emma started to cry. She was gripping the coffee table with both hands and clenching her teeth. Andrew passed by her and looked at her strangely. I thought he was about to comfort her because of the tender way he was approaching her, but I was wrong. He just went up to her to take away her toy.

A few minutes later I checked Emma's diaper and sure enough there was something in there. Now I know I have talked about poop more than enough on this blog, and you may be wondering why I decided to write another entry about poop when constipation with a two year old isn't really anything that interesting. Well, here's the thing... was the biggest...poop....ever.

I swear when I opened the diaper, Emma's crap was so large it had it's own gravitation pull. Little poop pebbles were circling the turd like a solar system. I didn't do anything for several seconds because I was in shock. I just held Emma's legs in the air and stared at this massive log. How the hell did this eggplant of a poop get out that little poop hole of Emma's? At this point, I wouldn't have been surprised if appendages sprouted out and it started to say "Mama!"

I proceeded to clean her up, and with all my strength, I dragged the diaper across the room and used a series of pulleys and levers to drop it into our Diaper Champ. I still have no idea how little Emma pushed out the Eighth Wonder of the World out of her baby sphincter, but I suppose she's always surprising us with something nowadays. I don't know what this forebodes about menstruation, but maybe that's a topic that Lisa can handle with a lot more grace.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Haven't you watched South Park? It could have become the next Bono. How many Courics?