I admit it. I fart.
"So what," you say. Everyone farts. Tis true, my young padawan. But do you fart so loud and proudly around the house that it disgusts and annoys your significant other? Probably not.
I knew when I met first met Lisa that she was the one for me. How did I know? I immediately felt comfortable enough to fart around her. Instead of the long farting courtship, I went from a casual friend to a boyfriend who was squatting over Lisa's head tooting away like a juicy lollipop whistle. If that's not love, I don't know what is...although Lisa may actually argue with that one.
I'm still not too sure what to say when the kids fart. I don't use the word "fart" because you don't want little 21 month year old kids saying "fart"; it's worse enough they call me "mama's dumbass." I've been experimenting with different words that are more kid-friendly, but none of them sound right: "yo gabba gassy," "spongebob stinkypants," "sesame stench," and "assbreath."
I bring all of this up because I had a farting incident with Emma. I was reading a book to Emma and Andrew on the floor, and Emma was unfortunately in the line of fire. Without really thinking about it, I released two gigantic tremors from my own tectonic plates with some aftershocks to boot. Emma was taken aback and scooted away from me a little bit. And with good reason! It smelled like Subway was selling day old egg salad sandwiches.
I excused myself from Emma, and continued reading the book. Due to the wretched smell, Emma took little interest in the book and instead focused on my butt. I split my attention between reading the book to Andrew and making sure Emma wasn't about to vomit or pass out near my Ground Zero.
Bravely, Emma crawled closer and closer to my butt. As she stared at my butt, she pointed to it, turned her head towards me, and said these two profound words...