Listen, I know this is a terrible picture of me. Actually, let me correct myself.
Listen, I know this is a more terrible than usual picture of me. But I post this picture to make two points: 1) The foreground water glass makes me look shorter and scrawnier than I really am. 2) I have no kid in my arms.
This has become a bit par for the course. You would think that with two kids it wouldn't be a problem for each parent to hold one. But when you throw into the equation Grandma Ichikawa the formula gets a little messed up.
Ever since I've started working again, my typical day has me leaving for work between 7:45-8:00am. Emma or Andrew might be awake during this time, but it really is just a flip of the coin if I'm able to see them. Then between 6:45-7:00pm I get into the car to drive home from work; it's about a 35 minute commute. When I get home, I say hi to everyone and wash my hands. It's very important I wash my hands because if I don't, Grandma Ichikawa won't let me touch the kids.
Now here's where it gets kinda crazy. I have about 20-25 minutes to spend time with the kids before we put them to bed at around 8pm. But during this time, my mom is finishing cooking dinner. So while I'm playing with the kids, my mom will begin to shout, "DINNER TIME! STOP PLAYING! EAT DIN-NAH BEFORE GET COLD! HURRY HURRY HURRY!"
And I tell my mom to go ahead and eat because I'll eat a little later. As I continue to spend time with the kids, Grandma Ichikawa will come up to me and take a kid away.
"GO EAT! I CARRY! GO GO GO! GETTING COLD! EAT NOW!"
The way she shouts is a scary mix between a military officer and an angry Chinese cook. I'll grab one of the kids back and tell her I'll hold the baby on my lap while I eat. Now we're all around the dining table eating dinner. Usually, my mom will finish first because she doesn't take a big plate (plus she snacks a lot throughout the day). After she finishes, she will try to grab the kid back.
"I finish first. You eat. EAT EAT EAT!"
Now this is just reminding me of really bad porn dialogue. So Grandma Ichikawa will take the kid from me and start to walk around. After I finish eating, I'll take which ever baby is available and spend a few last minutes before bedtime.
Once 8pm hits, my mom will start saying, "SLEEP! TIME TO SLEEP! GETTING LATE! GO TO SLEEP!" And once again, she will try to take the child I'm holding to whoosh them off to bed. So I'll take the baby back after telling my mom to calm down, and I'll head off to the bedroom with Lisa to put the kids to sleep.
What I just described is pretty much the way it has been for the past few weeks. My mom has gotten a little better about not swiping babies away from my arms, and doesn't seem to stress out when dinner gets a little cold. I'm absolutely not complaining and totally grateful that my parents are down here to watch the kids. All I ask for now at the end of the day is a little time alone with the kids, my booze, and my crack pipe. And all is well with the world. Aahhhh.
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