Lisa and I play with the kids differently. Since Lisa is a teacher, she enjoys interacting with the kids in a very nurturing way. She shows them how to play with toys, she reads to them, and she teaches them how to play with each other. I, on the other hand, am much more physical and goofy with the kids. I'll chase after them, toss them into the air, turn them upside down, and sing songs to them doing bad impersonations of Elmo, Mickey Mouse, and Crazy Grandma Ichikawa.
Emma and Andrew are at an age where they have lots of energy and have almost mastered all of their basic motor skills. When I am away at work, the kids want to rough house with Lisa the same way they do with me. Unfortunately, Lisa does not possess the brute strength and massive muscles that I have gained through my strict daily intake of performance enhancing substances like steroids, stimulants, and Viagra.
As we finished eating dinner tonight, Lisa mentioned to me that the kids were really active today and were climbing all over her. Lisa wished Andrew would calm down because he actually causes pain when he jumps on her. And then came the stinger when Lisa further explained why Andrew caused her pain today.
"Andrew has got to calm down," said Lisa. "Today he jumped on my vagina and hit me in my boobs."
The last time I heard someone say that was when I was a mop boy at a strip club in the City of Industry. It was both funny and satisfying to hear Lisa say that because she finally got a taste of the pain and discomfort I feel every single day I play with the kids as they jump, grab, and hit my all-natural marble bags. But more importantly and strangely disturbing, how did Andrew get more action with Lisa than I have in the past six months?