It was one of those lazy afternoons when the kids were lying down in our bed and watching television. After Lisa told me I should turn off The Human Centipede, Emma started to climb a hill. And by hill, I mean Lisa's breasts.
Lisa coughed out a few gaffaws and one sound that was borderline offensive. She asked Emma to please not climb on her boobies. Oh, if I had a dime for every time...
And soon I began to listen to the most unusual conversation about breasts between Emma and Lisa. Of course, my conversation about man-breasts between Wilfred Brimley and the stand-ins on Mike & Molly was pretty surreal, but let's focus our discussion on female breasts.
Emma pointed to Lisa's tah-tahs and said, "What are these?"
"These are my breasts," explained Lisa. But if I was to be more technical, I probably would've said areola.
"Do babies come out of them?" asked Emma. I immediately had this Dali-esque vision of babies being born from boobs. As the doctor yells, "Push!", the nipples open up like manhole covers, and out pops a baby with a hardhat.
"No," laughed Lisa. "Babies do not come out from breasts."
"Then what are they for?" inquired Emma.
Lisa took the easy road and said, "They are just something that girls have." My answer would've been three simple words: pawing, pushing, and punching.
"Why are my boobies so small?" said Emma staring at her breast. Oh god. Are we really going to have this conversation with a four year old? This is when I would've taken the easy road and said, "Because you're Asian."
"Little girls don't have breasts, that's all," stated Lisa simply.
"Mommy, why are your boobies so big? So big!" exclaimed Emma. Perhaps, Emma, because your hands are so small?
Lisa downplayed the size of her Grand Tetons and told Emma, "They're not so big, Emma. It's just that when you become older like Mommy, you start to grow them. But you don't have to think about it because that is a long time away."
Emma thought about this for a few moments and came to a realization. "When I get older, I want to get big boobies! Really, really, really big boobies!"
I practically rolled off the bed into a pile of WTFs. This conversation was starting to get way too weird for me. But as a parent, I have learned not to make a big deal about something you don't want your child to retain. The best thing to do is to be nonchalant and direct their attention toward something else.
So that is exactly what I did by saying, "Hey! Let's talk about Andrew's penis now!"
Genius, Scott. Just...genius.