Day 1384 - Conversations With Your Wife

For those of you who do not have three year old toddlers, a conversation with your wife goes something like this:

I begin to say to Lisa, "Hey, Honey!  I wanted to tell you that..."

"Daddy!" interrupts Andrew.  "Chick Hicks is bad because he bumps!"

"Umm...okay.  But I wanted to tell Mommy..."

"Daddy!" interrupts Emma.  "I want something to drink.  I want juice!"

"We don't have juice..."

"And then The King gets bumped and gets all dirty over and over and over!" says Andrew frantically.

"But I want juice!" screams Emma.

"Yes, The King gets dirty, and we only have water."

"I want juice!  Juice!" demands Emma.

"The King wants water?" Andrew says with confusion.

"No.  Emma wants juice."

"I want juice too!" whines Andrew.

"Emma!  Andrew!  Quiet!" scolds Lisa.  "Daddy is trying to tell me something.  What were you saying?"

"...never mind..." I say as my thought floats away with my sanity.

When you have twins who think they have mastered the skill of conversation, you find yourself saying "never mind" quite often.  If you have anything important to say, you better spit it out in under five seconds.  Thankfully, I have the timed the sentence "Take me to the hospital I'm having a heart attack" in under three seconds.  Unfortunately, I have not been able to get under five seconds "I know what you are thinking, but I don't know who she is, and why she is naked on top of me in our bed."

Sometimes you even give up trying to have any adult conversations when your kids are around because you know it's an attempt in futility.  It's like asking for bacon at a kosher deli or asking TMZ to stop covering anything involving real housewives or Lindsey Lohan.

And when the kids are finally asleep, you find yourself too tired to say anything at all.  My laziness has gotten to the point where I brush my teeth in the shower with shampoo and my foot loofah.  Which may explain the Athlete's Foot on my tongue.

Despite this onslaught of daylong toddler talk, the upside to this all is that you're witnessing your child developing.  You gain insight on what they think is funny, what scares them, and what interests them (The answer to all of them is poop.).  Most importantly, you are creating a familial bond that goes beyond anything you can imagine.

So sure there will be times when you won't be able to tell your wife a joke you heard at work because Emma is talking about Hello Kitty.  Or you can't discuss the family budget because Andrew is explaining why Mater is McQueen's best friend.  But at the very least, you know your wife reads the blog in the morning so you can tell her that you need her to buy more coffee at the grocery store and that you found an intriguing morsel of something (raisin or poop?) underneath the dining table that needs to be vacuumed.