Saturday, September 1, 2007

Week 33 - Oompa Loofah

August 24th (continued)

Several hours past before our doctor came to give us the lowdown on Lisa. The printout from the monitors showed that Lisa had irritability. I asked the doctor to leave Lisa's personality out of the diagnosis, then he corrected me explaining irritability in this case was the uterus thinking of contracting but does not (Although he did agree with me in the hallway that Lisa was a bit irritable.). Because of this he wanted to have Lisa admitted for the night for observation.

So off I go back home to back up an overnight bag. The one thing I learned while packing Lisa's bag was the difference between maxipads and panty liners. I opened up our bathroom cabinets and was assaulted by a visual array of vaginal accessories. All of this cotton product that's taped, padded, and inserted in womanly parts is beyond the average male intelligence. I took my chances and grabbed whatever looked like something that would soak up turkey drippings.

When I returned to the hospital Lisa was hooked up to an IV to hydrate her. At this point she must've had half a dozen wires and tubes encircling her rotund body; she looked like a fat marionette.

Most of the night was fairly uneventful: we ate dinner; we watched television; we played a quick game of flag football with the nursing staff. But around 2:30am, even with ear plugs in my ears, I heard moaning. I turned around hoping to find porn on the tv, but Lisa was in pain! The nurse came in and explained she was having contractions. They monitored her for an hour to count the contractions and around 3:30am she received a shot to stop the contractions which worked wonders.

As a noisy seagull outside our window welcomed us to our second day in the hospital, Lisa hit the bathroom first as usual to relieve her overworked bladder. Upon exiting, she thanked me for packing up an assortment of maxipads and panty liners. But explained to me that there was no reason to pack a loofah in the feminine hygiene bag. Oh well. Average male intelligence, I guess.


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