First of all, some pictures:
Secondly, the poop. I know I'm not the only person in the world who has had a poopie diaper disaster, but here's mine from yesterday. I haven't become too proficient at the quick change diaper, but I'm good enough. I'm like the new immigrant cashier at 7-11: slow at the job, but trying really hard. Also like the new immigrant cashier at 7-11, we probably both have multiple children. And unlike the new immigrant cashier, I do not have a law degree from my home country.
Emma had a pee-pee and poo-poo diaper. A double whammie. The first poops come from all the stuff they ate from inside the womb, so it's this black tarry substance called meconium. Inside the diaper, there was yellow in the front and black in the back. Probably similar to the way Russell Simmons gets it on with Kimora. I got a handful of gauze that I dampened with warm water. Got my extra diaper out. And I was ready to go.
The black poop was hard to get off the butt because it was really sticky. I started wiping a little harder. Unfortunately, I must've hit the crap switch located between the 'gina and the 'sshole. Dark chocolate fro yo poured out. I lifted Emma's legs up to get her out of the way. I lifted too high because it started going down her back. I dropped her lower. She got in the poop. I kept her legs halfway in the air as I grabbed more gauze.
I quickly began to wipe her up. But silly me. The pee switch must ALSO be located between the 'gina and the 'sshole because pee started flying up in the air; it was a very sad Bellagio water show. I was running out of gauze, but started folding them smaller and smaller like an autistic origami artist. And just when I thought everything was under control...I reactivated the dark chocolate fro yo switch.
Thankfully, a nurse entered to check the vitals on the kids. She gladly lent me a hand to clean up this gigantic mound of urine and dung. As she was throwing away the waste, I told her how crazy that right after I wiped one thing, another thing came out. The nurse explained to me, "That happens! They're not on any schedule you know."
No 'hit 'sshole.
And lastly, Jesus.
I'm not a very religious person. I respect those people who are. And don't really care for those who force their beliefs on others. As I sat in bed last night in the hospital, this is the view I had from between my legs:
Yup. I have Jesus on a cross motioning with his arms how large the fish he multiplied were ("They were thiiiiis big! Yeehaw!"). You might recall in a previous blog how statues in the hospital were creeping me out. Well you can add Jesus On A Stick to that list too.
There's something unsettling about seeing Jesus between your legs before you go to sleep. As I looked at Him, I imagined him saying different things:
"Actual size...your penis is this big."
"Come on Apostles! Let's do the wave!"
"You think you had it hard, Scarecrow? Look at me!"
Slowly these thoughts faded away due to my lack of sleep from the past days. With a new day today, I think Jesus won't affect my sleeping schedule. Maybe I'll even ask Him for a little help with these diaper changes today.
Oh as a quick note, I guess I'll continue to do this blog with our dealings with these new little people in our lives. Eventually I'll go back to Week One, Week Two, Week Three, etc. And maybe I'll eventually change the header of the blog too. But the address will still be the same!
I'll try to post some pictures of the kids later today. Everyone seems to be doing great still!