Saturday, September 8, 2007

Week 35 - A Q-Tip Is Not Larger Than A Baby's Head

Yesterday we had a doctor's appointment over the hill at Cedars. For the past three weeks Lisa has been on bed rest, so these days are also known as the day Lisa gets to see the world. When you are bedridden there are many things you don't the new 50" television in the living room, the PS3 hooked up to the new 50" television, and the prostitute who is passed out on the sofa bed.

After a quick 20 minute drive, we pulled up to the hospital and went right into the office. The doctor entered the exam room and before the routine ultrasound, he wanted to do a culture test of Lisa's chunnel. As he took the sample, Lisa winced and gasped in pain. The doctor quizzically looked at her and said, "You know. It was only a q-tip. Your baby's head is going to be much larger." I laughed, although I don't know how much Lisa enjoyed the doc's attempt at vagina humor.

Everything was fine with the kids and Lisa, and the doctor predicted that the babies should arrive within the next two weeks. Additionally, the doctor said Lisa's bed rest doesn't have to be as strict anymore. I suppose it's somewhere between bed rest and house arrest. Still no house chores and she can't go clubbing like the lush she is, but if she needs to get up from bed to grab the phone or her favorite porno dvd (her current favorite is "Rattypoontie") it's okay for now.

Since Lisa is within the safe zone of 35-37 weeks, she no longer has to try to deliver the kids naturally. We asked the doctor the pros and cons of natural birth versus a c-section. He basically broke it down this way: a natural child birth is tougher for the babies, but easier recovery for the mom; a c-section birth is easier for the babies, but hard recovery for the mom. And even though both of the heads are in the right position ("Look! I see a coochi!"), there are slightly more risks of complications for twins. For instance, it is not unusual that when the first baby comes out, the other baby inside flips the other way causing it to be breech. In which case Lisa would experience the pain of natural birth and a c-section. And for a guy analogy, it would be like taking a gigantic dump out of your butt and your penis hole.

Now we wait day by day to see if there are any signs of labor. Plugging away at the blog, I turned my head to find both of Lisa's breasts exposed. She was wearing this special t-shirt with openings on either side for easy milk access. I must say it was quite bizarre to see Lisa's boobs squeezed out awkwardly of the shirt resembling the gigantic head of a cross-eyed person wearing a ski mask. It was even more bizarre to see Lisa manipulate her hands as if they were the heads of the babies asking "More milk, mama." I have yet to see her manipulate her hands as two heads coming out of her birth hole, but you can be assured that will be a blog I will quickly post.

And now let me end this entry with a quick Mom Ichikawa story. My mom loves to walk to McDonalds to get a cup of their premium coffee. Last Friday morning, she took her morning exercise walk towards the golden arches to grab some java. At the crosswalk, she noticed a little boy next to her with a backpack strapped neatly to both shoulders. She checked her watch; it was 8:30. Quite late for a child to be going to school.

"My aren't you going to be late for school? Where's your mom?" questioned my mom.

The little boy turned up to her and said, "I go to college."

Realizing the little boy was a midget, my mom cannily said, "When you get old everybody looks young to you."

At least she didn't offer the midget a Happy Meal toy.


Anonymous said...

Sp happy you have held your
legs together so long, Lisa. And so happy you are still with that filthy-minded husband of yours!
Lots of love, Esme's Mom

maureen said...

Wanna-be comedian doctor, boob shirt and a midget... sounds like a sitcom! (Maybe the midget could be your grouchy next door neighbor).