Monday, August 13, 2007

Week 31 - Raiders of the Sore Ass

First of all, I apologize to everyone for focusing so much on Lisa's ass problems. Secondly, I have a new Lisa ass story...

For most of the past few days, Lisa has been extremely uncomfortable with her hemorrhoids. If she stands too long, her ass hurts. If she sits too long, her ass hurts. And imagine the pain after the squishy sounds announcing last night's Mexican food was bad.

So after I got home from work today, I looked online to see if there were any remedies for hemorrhoids. One suggestion was an ice pack, and Lisa thought that was a good idea. But we got into a discussion on how to apply it. Do you put it outside of her pants? Do you put it inside her pants? Or do you actually put it inside the brown valley?

How much ice do you put in? If you put in too little, maybe the heat of her buttocks would melt it too fast. And Lisa didn't want a large bag of ice either because she's so used to small things down there.

Eventually we settled with a ziplock sandwich bag with a mixture of cubed and crushed ice wrapped with two layers of paper towels. Strangely enough, I think this was an episode of Good Eats. I handed the pack of ice to Lisa and told her she's on her own now.

And this was the part that was most amusing to me: Watching Lisa try to stuff this ice contraption into her pants. Remember the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy is about to the take the idol and replace it with a bag of sand. He's looking at the idol. Then he looks at the bag. And there's this look of "I am soooo close and I know this is going to work but I just got to be sure that I'm doing this right." Well, swap the idol for Lisa's ass, the sandbag with the ice pack, and the look with "I am soooo close and I think this is going to work but I just got to be sure that I don't stick this too far up my ass" then that's exactly the moment I witnessed.

Hopefully this will be the last entry about Lisa's orifice problems. But there are always the inevitable sequels: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doo or Indiana Jones and the Ass Crusade.

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