Week 33 - Live and Let Dilate

It is practically a week after our little hospital stay so let me try to summarize what happened during the dates of August 24th-26th...

August 24th
It was a normal morning with Lisa going through her normal morning grunts. We had a 9am doctor's appointment so we were out of the door by 8am to make sure we didn't hit too much traffic. After Lisa crawled through the trunk door of our SUV (she's much too big to enter through the passenger door) we were off to Santa Monica.

Upon arriving at the doctor's office, we had to wait almost 20 minutes. Usually the wait is very minimal, but at least I was able to question why there was a man in the waiting room all by himself. Perhaps he was a husband waiting for his wife, but no, the nurse calls him into the office for his appointment. How could this be? Maybe the movie Rabbit Test was truly ahead of its time? Or he used to be a she who now is pregnant? The possibilities are limitless!!!

Eventually we saw the doctor and started going through the normal routine: gel the probe, stick probe up Lisa's pita pocket, remove probe. But this time the doc looked concerned. She wanted Lisa to be monitored at the hospital for an hour to make sure everything was okay. The main concern was that her cervix thinned a bit more, so she wanted to confirm whether Lisa was having contractions.

We take the quick LA drive 1/2 a block east of the doctor's office and are quickly admitted into a Labor & Delivery room. Walking down the hallway, I heard screams coming from a room. Lisa & I looked at each other thinking the same thing: Haha! We're having a c-section, you vagina pushing sucker!

Lisa changed into a lovely large gown that made her belly look like the seat of an old worn out armchair. The nursing staff came in and hooked up three pads that were going to monitor each of the kid's heart beats and any contractions.

"This will only take an hour. Don't you worry, hon!" said the nurse.

And that one hour turned into a tiring 3 day hospital stay....

TO BE CONTINUED

Week 33 - OK

Sorry for the delay in the latest blog. I'll write more later, but long story short...

Lisa is back home, no babies yet, hopefully a few more weeks before they come, and nothing to worry about!!!!

More later...

Week 33 - Doctor Doctor!!!

Update later tonight!!!

Week 32 - Day Daze

It has almost been an entire week since Lisa has been on bed rest. Tomorrow we have a doctor's appointment to see how Lisa is holding up. She hasn't had any contractions yet or any other sign that might signal impending birth (except for a baby hand coming out of her vagina).

Many of you have been wondering what Lisa is doing throughout the day. Before I left work today, I set up my digital camera to take random pictures of Lisa to show you her routine bed rest activities.

8:45am - Breakfast and watching the morning news.


10:12am - Reading the daily newspaper.


11:35am - Receiving an annoying phone call from a telemarketer.


12:30pm - Lunch.


1:17pm - Receiving an annoying phone call from Scott.


2:30pm - Crochet.


3:05pm - Woodwork project.


4:20pm - Practice breastfeeding.


5:00pm - Bowel movement.


6:15pm - Finish woodwork project.

Week 32 - Poll Results & Poll #3

How many playing cards cover Lisa's tummy?

TWENTY ONE!!!

36% of y'all thought it was either 21 or 27 cards; 18% thought Lisa is giving birth to an elephant with 32 cards; and 9% thought a measly 16 cards would cover up her medicine ball of a tummy.

Lisa is doing fine spending her day in front of the television set reading, knitting, and eating. I'll have a little update later this week with her various activities in bed and on the sofa. There's also a doctor's appointment this Friday so hopefully we'll know more about Lisa's condition!

As for this week's poll, when do you think the babies are coming?

Week 31 - Crap!

That's all Lisa had to say after our doctor's appointment this morning. "Crap!"

Tomorrow is Lisa's 32nd week of pregnancy and so far everything has been fine. But today when the doctor was checking out Lisa's cervix, he told us there's some funneling. The only funneling I know are those tasty fried treats you get at the county fair so I got a wee bit hungry. Unfortunately, this type of funneling isn't tasty or good news. This means Lisa's cervix is thinning out ergo the babies could come very soon.

We asked the doctor whether or not we would make it to our scheduled c-section on October 2nd. He just looked at us and chuckled out a hearty "no". He said the babies could come any day or in the next 3-4 weeks.

"Crap," Lisa said.

He also told Lisa she should be on bed rest the remainder of her pregnancy.

"Crap," she repeated.

Lisa will now have weekly check-ups to see whether or not her cervix has improved or not. Hopefully this bed rest will keep the little edamames in their pod a little longer. Most twin pregnancies deliver around 36 weeks so if we can hold out another three weeks we should be just fine.

As we drove home, Lisa said, "Too bad we can't see Superbad in the theater now."

"Crap," said Scott.

Week 31 -- Pain in the Class

Although the entry title may suggest ANOTHER hemorrhoid story, it actually doesn't! This past Tuesday we took our first baby class. Lisa was looking around for a place that would give some basic instructions on breast feeding. She found this birthing center just a few miles away that was giving a six week instructional course on raising your baby. But instead of signing up for all six sessions, we were able to sign up for only the booby milking lecture.

As we pulled up to the birthing center, the first sign that made me think the night might be curious was the name: Natural Birth & Women's Center. There's nothing wrong about natural birth and certainly nothing wrong about a women's center. After all a woman's center is where the baby comes out of. But we are having a planned c-section so any talk of natural birth would be rather useless to us.

We pulled up 5 minutes before 7:30p and people were still waiting for the doors to open. Staying in the shelter of our car, we were able to observe the different types of people who were taking the class. Most of them seemed like twenty or thirty-something couples with earthy looking women and their distracted husbands in tow. We also saw a mother who obviously was very proud of her appearance: she wore a tiny shirt that exposed her entire belly button pierced tummy with an extremely tanned complexion which would match extremely well with my v-neck tan (Yes...I still have that awkward tan from the Giants game. Shuddup.). And lastly we saw a woman possibly five months pregnant jogging across the street with a water bottle to the center. Then we saw her pass our car, pass the center, and pass our sight line. So we stood corrected: we saw a woman possibly fifteen pounds overweight jogging across the street with a milkshake to the pie shop.

About 7:45p the doors opened and we entered a world that looked eerily similar to this:


All you'd have to do is replace the whores with pregnant women, and this would be the waiting area of the birth center. It had this Haunted Mansion chandelier in the middle of the room. The walls bled this awful red patterned wallpaper resembling aged strawberry fruit roll-ups. Underneath our feet was tattered red carpeting that would almost make you wish you were walking bare foot in an adult theater instead. And the creepiest part was this old display cabinet of kewpie dolls. I felt they were mocking my pain. "You think you have it tough? We've been stuck in here for fifty damn years..."

Let me just say right now that the people and the instructor who were there were very nice and friendly people. And all of their intentions were pure and true. It's just that I didn't want to be instructed in a whorehouse. With that let me continue...

The woman who was instructing this class looked exactly like my history teacher from high school, Ms. Wilcox, who in turn looked a little like Mona from Who's the Boss. This 50-something woman sharing her knowledge with us had long, coarse red hair that made her light complexion even whiter. As she entertained us with her charts and stories, she kept on playing with this poor kewpie doll that she used as a stunt baby. She would pretend this doll came out of her vagina and had a grand fascination with her breasts. I'm sure this kewpie doll was caught trying to bust out of the cabinet and has now been punished to a lifetime of suckling and groping.

She spoke of what a healthy baby should look like. She spoke of what an unhealthy baby might look like. She spoke of the evils of immunizations. And she spoke of how she keeps her diaphragm in her night stand. Quite an invigorating night, but we were still waiting for the breast feeding portion.

8pm turned into 8:30pm into 9:00pm into 9:30pm into 10:00pm into I AM NOW IN SATAN'S BORDELLO!!!! I kept on looking at my watch wondering when the hell she was going to talk about lactation or formula. At least say the word 'nipple' so I can rationalize paying for this class. Then came the magic words...

"I guess we should talk a little about breast feeding..."

YES FINALLY!!!

"...but I totally lost track of time so we'll pick up on that at our next session."

MOTHERF(*&ER!!!

After eighty dollars and one hundred eighty minutes, I wasn't even able to get my jollies off of hearing the word "booby". Everyone began to say their good nights. Lisa and I politely smiled to the instructor and told her how informative it was as I begrudgingly wrote a check.

Driving away, I asked Lisa what she thought of the class. She said between her teeth, "All I could think is I wanted her to stop talking so I could go home because my butt hurts so much."

Well said Lisa. It was a pain in the ass.

Week 31 - Poll Results & Poll #3

I guess 40% of you think Lisa has jungle fever because Jerome won last week's poll. But close behind was Mr. Miyagi with 30%, Regis with 20%, and Matt Damon with 10%.

This week's poll has only one correct answer so let's see if you can guess correctly!

Week 31 - How Lisa Would Celebrate If Her Rhoids Went Away

Star in Your Own JibJab! It's Free!

Week 31 - Raiders of the Sore Ass

First of all, I apologize to everyone for focusing so much on Lisa's ass problems. Secondly, I have a new Lisa ass story...

For most of the past few days, Lisa has been extremely uncomfortable with her hemorrhoids. If she stands too long, her ass hurts. If she sits too long, her ass hurts. And imagine the pain after the squishy sounds announcing last night's Mexican food was bad.

So after I got home from work today, I looked online to see if there were any remedies for hemorrhoids. One suggestion was an ice pack, and Lisa thought that was a good idea. But we got into a discussion on how to apply it. Do you put it outside of her pants? Do you put it inside her pants? Or do you actually put it inside the brown valley?

How much ice do you put in? If you put in too little, maybe the heat of her buttocks would melt it too fast. And Lisa didn't want a large bag of ice either because she's so used to small things down there.

Eventually we settled with a ziplock sandwich bag with a mixture of cubed and crushed ice wrapped with two layers of paper towels. Strangely enough, I think this was an episode of Good Eats. I handed the pack of ice to Lisa and told her she's on her own now.

And this was the part that was most amusing to me: Watching Lisa try to stuff this ice contraption into her pants. Remember the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark when Indy is about to the take the idol and replace it with a bag of sand. He's looking at the idol. Then he looks at the bag. And there's this look of "I am soooo close and I know this is going to work but I just got to be sure that I'm doing this right." Well, swap the idol for Lisa's ass, the sandbag with the ice pack, and the look with "I am soooo close and I think this is going to work but I just got to be sure that I don't stick this too far up my ass" then that's exactly the moment I witnessed.

Hopefully this will be the last entry about Lisa's orifice problems. But there are always the inevitable sequels: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doo or Indiana Jones and the Ass Crusade.

Week 30 - Grapes of Wrath

First of all, I think Lisa has had a very healthy and uneventful pregnancy so far. Yes, I know she has those hugemoninormous cankles, but if you look at her from the knees up, she looks like a very healthy pregnant woman. Butt (pun intended), if you were able to see the inside of her, specifically the poop chute, you would notice her anus nurturing a painful crop of hemorrhoids.

According to Wikipedia, hemorrhoids are varicosities or swelling and inflammation of veins in the rectum and anus. According to Lisa, "I have 3 grapes in my butt." Hemorrhoids are quite common in pregnancy. There's greater pressure in the pelvic area as well as more hormones in the body which could increase the chances of swelling around the "One-Way-Traffic-Please" hole.

There doesn't seem to be too much to do to make Lisa's butt vineyard go away; all she can do is make the experience more comfortable. Lisa has been lying on her side more often and taking baking soda baths. She said she bought some witch hazel which is suppose to make the 'rhoids less painful. When Lisa first told me about witch hazel, for some reason an image of Broom Hilda with a case of hemorrhoids popped into my head. Why Broom Hilda never got it on with that buzzard still puzzles me...

At the end of the day, if the worst thing about Lisa's pregnancy is fresh produce in her ass, we both agree that's not too bad at all. Me personally, the worst thing would be over-sized ankles, but let's not tell Lisa I said that.

Week 30 - Poll Results & Poll #2!

From the results of the first poll, a vast majority of you (80%) believe that the twins will be a combination of Lisa and the real father. And only 20% believe they will be a combination of Lisa and myself.

Since so many of you believe the babies are fathered by someone else, let's see who you think is the real father with this week's poll.

Week 30 -- Baby Showerbration

This past Saturday our friends, Paul & Michelle, threw us our last baby shower. It is our last shower in two ways: Our last baby shower before our twins are born, and our last baby shower for the rest of our lives. Seriously...no more babies. As I am typing this, Lisa is watching this TLC show about this mom who had three sets of twins. If you can only see Lisa's horrified face right now. Imagine the mask from the movie Scream and think Japanese girl.

We had a nice turnout of about 30 of our "friends" (I use the term loosely because we had to pay some of them to come. You know who you are. Shame on you. But bravo to your business savvy!). There was plenty of food, prizes, and everyone had a nice time. We even had some impromptu entertainment from my friend, Brian, who showed off his jump roping skills. If you'd like to see him in action, click here: JUMP ROPE FIEND. Or if you'd like to see what it would be like if my parents starred in a Broadway musical, click here: BROADWAY BABIES.

Since we didn't really want to do too many games, we kept the activities light and easy. If you brought a pack of diapers, you were entered into a raffle drawing. Sadly, the number of diapers we received will probably last us a month (We estimate that we will go through around 600 diapers per month...crap.). More sadly, one of Lisa's friends brought a pack of Depends. Even more sadly, Lisa says she will use them.

There was also an area where you could design little onesies with fabric markers and stencils. A couple of them had witticisms such as: Mama Say, Mama Saw, Mama Kusa; I Want An iPhone; I've Got A Heart On; Wonder Twin Powers Activate; and I Brake For Hello Kitty. My favorite was: Scott, You Musical Loving Tap Dancing Metrosexual, How The Hell Could You Ever Get Any Woman Pregnant With Your Vienna Sausage Manhood. I never knew Mrs. Ichinaga was so funny!

And the last activity was a bingo-type game. Before we opened our gifts, each guest would fill in the blank spaces on the bingo card with items they thought we would receive as gifts. So as we opened each present, each guest would play along and mark their squares. Although I was very close to winning, the one square I needed was the 50" LCD television. Thanks everyone...for nothing.

So once again big thanks to Paul & Michelle for letting us rampage through their home for our humble little celebration. But if there is one thing that I will remember about this baby shower, it would be this moment:What can I say...I'm gay for Jews.

Week 29 -- At Yeast That's the Only Problem

This past Wednesday we had another doctor's appointment. Everything seems to be going just great. The kids are the exact same weight: 3 pounds and 2 ounces. They also have the same music taste (My Chemical Romance), the same fashion sense (emo), and the same therapist (Dr. Mizrachi). Our doctor said everything looks perfect and they look healthy. I then asked the doctor to stop looking at Lisa's breasts, and then he said the same thing about the twins.

The only concern Lisa brought up to the doctor was her insane itching in her...um...woman area. So the doctor decided to take a sample of her...problem spot. It was interesting to see how he took the sample. The doc took out what looked like two metal shoehorns interlocking with screws and nuts and bolts. It looked like a medieval sex toy that you would buy at your local blacksmith ("Aye, ye sex toy still be hot. Don't insert until cool, you addle-pated knave!"). Worst case scenario: Lisa has a yeast infection and will need some antibiotics. Best case scenario: Lisa has a yeast infection and we'll bake some fresh bread.

We were also able to request the date for the c-section: October 2nd. We don't know if this date is available yet, but should find out in two weeks at our next appointment. It's a surreal and powerful feeling that we picked the birth date for our kids. I mean WE picked the birthday that they will have for the rest of their lives. Only if we were able to have this omnipotent power over other baby issues: You Will Sleep Eight Hours Every Night; You Will Cook Your Own Meals; You Will Not Poop Or Pee Until You Are Potty Trained.

Today, our friends, Paul and Michelle, threw us our final baby shower (whew) today and I'll post pictures and all the details about it tomorrow!