Day 499 - Diarrhea Nights

Oh crap...

I haven't had a good poop story for a long time, but here comes a doozy.

Lisa caught a bug at school and it passed on to Emma. They both had fevers for the past few days, but thankfully it is breaking. Sadly for Emma not only did she have a fever, but she had a bad case of diarrhea.

Yesterday morning, I walked into the kids' bedroom and an awful stench hit me. It was the kind of stench that reminded me of all of those horrendous nights when Lisa would fart underneath the bed covers and not tell me. That type of stench.

I knew one of the kids pooped. I checked Andrew -- no poop. I checked Emma -- WHOA! WHAT THE HELL WENT ON IN THERE? It looked like she poured a gallon of chocolate milk in there! Not only was her diaper soaking wet, but her pajamas were soaked with liquid feces. I did my best to keep the changing table clean, but it became a lost cause.

We made sure Emma kept hydrated by giving her water, ice chips, and some juice. Stupidly, we continued to give her milk which in hindsight was causing the diarrhea episodes. Every time we gave her a bottle of milk, ten minutes later she would crinkle her face and cry. A few minutes after that, we would have to change her diaper, crinkle our face, and cry.

I read online that these diarrhea episodes could last anywhere from one to ten days. So far we are about to enter day three, and I can't imagine another seven days of this. It's hard enough to change Emma's diaper because she doesn't stay still and likes to grab at her diaper. Now imagine doing this when there's waves of diarrhea in it. You could probably drop a Han Solo figurine in it to recreate him being frozen in carbonite.

All I can say is that if this goes into day eleven, I'm making a run for it. Get it? RUN for it. Oh fine then. I guess this is all a part of taking care of our little squirts. Get it? SQUIRTS! Good grief, it's late. I'm going to sleep...

Day 498 - Picture Friday

Emma stars in Pixar's newest film, "Eating Nemo."

Try Auntie Anne's new Baby Pretzels!

Just like Daddy, Emma enjoys reading while taking a crap.

Lord Vader, here's your new Sith: Darth Drool.

Shouldn't they recall Fisher Price's My First Noose?


Have a great weekend!

Day 497 - Booger Nights

Andrew has gigantic boogers. There, I said it. He has large, crusty, taunting boogers perpetually hanging from his nostrils. They are like two turtle heads wondering if the coast is clear. I call his boogers our other twins.

I'm sure Andrew isn't the only toddler in the world with nostril poop hanging from his nose, but it annoys the hell out of Lisa and me. To make matters worse, Andrew hates having his face tampered with. If he could speak, I'm sure he would shout "face rape" on more than one occasion. I once shouted "face rape" during a trip to Amsterdam, but that's a story for another time.

Lisa and I are never able to get these boogers out of his nose, but they must go somewhere because there are days when his nostrils are clear. I imagine they must drop on the floor and I mistake it for either a grain of rice or a small piece of chicken. But today, I was successful in pulling one of them out.

For the past week, there was this bulbous booger just on the inside of his nose. As the days passed, this booger lowered past the rim of his nostril due to the accumulation of more boogers. After giving Andrew a bath, I figured that this would be an ideal time to get it out. I had Andrew on his changing table and distracted him with a toy. Quickly, I took my thumb and index finger and started picking at his nose. Before you know it, I yelled, "Eureka!" and did the "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" dance. The booger was in my hand.

And here's where it gets weird: instead of throwing it away, I saved it in a tissue so I could show Lisa. And then it gets weirder because when I showed Lisa, she was just as excited as I was. We were both ecstatic over a baby booger. Seriously. Let's take a show of hands -- how many of you have ever been excited over a big booger? Anyone? Anybody? Bueller?

I'll probably keep this story to myself at work because I don't think anyone would understand it. But this begs the question of whether or not I should take the framed picture of the booger to work. I think I will and if anyone asks what it is I'll tell them it's a piece of chicken.

Day 496 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 495 - NO!

Emma learned a new word yesterday. I'll give you three hints so you can guess what word it is: 1) It's the opposite of yes. 2) It sounds like the word "know." 3) It's what Lisa tells me every night before we go to bed.

That's right. Emma learned the word "no." It is the word that parents dread because once your kid learns it they say it all of the time. I mean it's a pretty empowering word for a baby. Imagine how weird the first sixteen months of your life was. Your mouth was stuffed with boob every few hours. You sat in your own crap and piss. Strangers stared at you and pinched your cheeks. Kinda a crappy way to start out your life...except for the boob part. The boob part is kinda cool. But not with my mom! That's gross. I'm talking about with other women. I mean my wife! Dammit...I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. Anyhoo...

And then you suddenly learn a simple one syllable word that gives you the power to change people's actions. You don't like pureed peas? Just say no. You don't want Crazy Grandma Ichikawa to wipe your face for the umpteenth time? Just say no. You don't want your dad to write about you in a blog? Well, tough luck. Life's not fair. Go to your room.

The first time I heard Emma say the word "no" was when I asked her if she wanted to go to bed. She whispered very quietly, "...no..." I momentarily thought what a genius moment this was for Emma. I was so excited I started to get the Ivy League applications ready.

But for the rest of the night, I heard her say "no" at the most random and inappropriate situations. She was playing with a puzzle and kept on mumbling "no no no no no no no" whether or not she put in a piece correctly. When I was reading her a book and asked her where the duck was in the picture, she responded, "No." She played with an animal See N' Say and pointed at all of the animals saying "No no no no no no no." And most unfitting of all, she responded "no" when I asked her if she thought Daddy was smarter than Mommy. That is the most stoopidest thing I ever herd.

As parents, we will need to let Emma understand that even though she knows how to say "no" that does not mean she will get her way every time. Our doctor told us that girls will learn to verbalize before boys, so we're not concerned that Andrew hasn't said the word yet. From what I understand, the natural language progression for girls is: "no" to "no way" to "never" to "I hate you, Dad" to "I hate you, you f***ing a**hole." I...can't...wait.

Day 494 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week I asked whether or not the kids were old enough to enjoy a little outing. Fifty-two percent of you thought a zoo would be the perfect place to show the kids how enjoyable living in a confined space against your will can be. Close behind with forty-two percent of the votes was the park. A park would be another great place to take Emma and Andrew so they can learn the difference between dog droppings and homeless people droppings. Sadly for me, only one person thought a strip club would be a nice weekend outing. I really didn't think that option would've received any votes, but thanks Dad for trying.

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My mom tells us that we are lucky that our kids sleep pretty well. When my mom was raising me, I did not sleep well at all. During my first year of life, my mom was so exhausted she told my dad that she wished she could die for one day so she could rest. My dad gave her a gun with two bullets and told her to try for two days.

Once Emma and Andrew started to sleep through the night, they would take two naps during the day: one around 10am and one around 3pm. But over the past few weeks, the naps have become more unpredictable. Maybe they might take two 2 hour naps or one 2 hour nap and no second nap or two 1 hour naps or one 45 minute nap and one 90 minute nap or...well...you get the idea. And if you still don't get the idea, please read my new book "Scott Rambles On." It's volume 1 of 275.

The main problem we are having is that Emma usually does not want to nap, but Andrew does. What ends up happening is that Emma will bawl her head off because she wants out of the crib; this keeps Andrew up. If we take Emma out of the bedroom so Andrew can sleep, Andrew will start to cry because he doesn't want to be in the bedroom by himself. And then at the end of the day we have two very grumpy toddlers and two very tired parents.

So what do we do? Do we give up the second nap? Do we let Emma cry it out? Do we make Andrew take his second nap? Or do we invest in a nice pair of Bose noise-cancellation headphones?

Day 493 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

(To the tune of 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious')

Hey-wait-a-second-and-wash-your-hands!
Hey-wait-a-second-and-wash-your-hands!

It's Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime right now!
Even though the things I write, she says it's not allowed.
If you read it long enough, all you can say is "Wow!"
It's Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime right now!

Emma and Andrew really enjoy looking at books. Often they can sit in a corner and look at them for minutes. And sometimes minutes can turn into hours when we place heavy weights on their laps that they are unable to remove.

Since the kids enjoy playing peek-a-boo, we found a peek-a-boo book at Target. It's one of those picture books with flaps on each page. Underneath each flap is a child with the words "Peek-a-boo" written. Although it's rather repetitive and boring and there's neither no storyline nor character arc (Why does the baby feel the need to play peek-a-boo?), we thought it might be a perfect book for the kids.

So we stole it.

During the weekend, Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa were over for dinner. While Lazy Grandpa watched television in his Calvin Kleins, Crazy Grandma read books for the kids. Emma handed the peek-a-boo book to Crazy Grandma to read.

With the kids sitting next to Crazy Grandma, she began to read. She let the kids take turns lifting the flaps. When a flap was lifted, Crazy Grandma would yell, "PEEK KAH BOOB!" Yes, awkward, but there's still more to the story.

Each baby behind the flap was a different race: Caucasian, Asian, African American, etc. When Crazy Grandma revealed the Caucasian baby, she yelled, "PEEK KAH BOOB!"

When Crazy Grandma revealed the Asian baby, she yelled, "It's Daddy! PEEK KAH BOOB!"

And when Crazy Grandma revealed the African American baby, she yelled, "Look! It's Obama!"