Day 1529 - Holiday Wishes

Day 1528 - Picture Friday: Holiday Edition

 "HOLY CRAP!  I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!"

 The fair maiden is awaiting her cheap-ass father to rescue her from her cheap-ass cardboard fold-out castle that he gave her.

"DID I MENTION...HOLY CRAP!"

"Dude...For a great-grandma, you got some chokehold..."

"Me in a box!"

Have a great weekend! 

Day 1527 - Andrew's Presents

As usual, Andrew received a large amount of Christmas gifts from Santa, family, friends, and prison inmates (Andrew participates in the organization Big Felons Big Misdemeanors).  The pile of gifts tends to overwhelm the kids, and many of the toys are ignored and neglected like yesterday's Jan Michael Vincent.

When we return home, Lisa and I will organize all of their toys and rotate them in and out of their toy baskets so they won't grow tired of their gifts too quickly.  But it really is interesting to see what engages their imagination and attention after the tornado of wrapping paper settles.

Here is a video that summarizes Andrew's holiday loot in 55 seconds:

Day 1525 - Dear Emma

NOTE:  All questions and answers are 100% true and accurate. 

Dear Emma,

It certainly seems like you received a lot of toys and presents from Santa and your family and friends this year for Christmas.  Between you and your brother, I don't know how we're going to be able to bring all of your gifts back home in the car.  What do you think we should do?

Sincerely,

Daddy

*****

Dear Daddy,

I have a good idea!  We can just leave all of the boring gifts behind!

Sincerely,

Emma

Day 1523 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #8

There were a few pictures of Emma & Andrew hanging out with Angelina Jolie.  It all started when we were in the Century City garage, and Emma and Andrew were stampeded by a crowd of Asian kids -- all of whom belonged to Angelina.  Sadly, Lisa and I were separated from our kids for several weeks because Angelina insisted they belonged to her.  Obviously, we were reunited with Emma and Andrew, but to this day, the kids still ask us why we are ugly, and they insist their names are Maddox and Pax.

Day 1522 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #7

My casting director friend mentioned to me that they were casting a high profile reality show for the new cable channel PWDW (People Who Don't Work).  I figured why not let the kids earn some money for their college education, but little did I know the production was a new Kate Gosselin show called Kate Plus 2 Kids She Didn't Give Birth To.  Needless to say, it was short-lived and was a gigantic disaster for all involved.  The best thing that came out of it was that I got a couple of hand-me-down Ed Hardy shirts.

Day 1521 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #6

I sued the author of the New York best-selling book Go the F*** to Sleep for stealing my idea for a book titled Go the F*** to Sleep, Andrew & Emma.  After I spent a fortune in legal fees, the judge ruled in favor of the defendant, and he was able to continue selling his book.  The judge told me I do not possess the intellectual property of the book just because I tell the kids to go the f*** to sleep every night.  What the f*** does he know...

Day 1520 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #5

I was embarrassingly caught between a rock and a very large woman.  Literally.  I was trapped by Arnie's mistress at Benedict Canyon while hiking because Mildred came rolling down a hill after tripping over her can of Jarrito's Pineapple soda.  We were trapped for 127 hours because her left aureola was pinned against my right arm.  The tabloids made a big deal out of it because Mildred and I became close.  Literally.  The gravitational force around her chest made it very difficult for me to walk away on my own. 

Day 1519 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #4

There was plenty of controversy surrounding Justin Bieber's Baby Momma, but very few of the news media reported the story regarding Justin and Emma due to Emma's young age.  The Biebs and Emma first met while watching a matinee of Judy Moody and the Not So Bummer Summer.  It was a quick romance and ended because Emma refused to go to first base; she did not understand the rules of T-ball.

Day 1518 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #3

One weekend, the family was at Downtown LA buying our weekly ration of chiccarones and pinatas.  ANd before you could shout "Villaraigosa", the kids disappeared.  Wouldn't you know, they walked over to the Staples Center, stowed away in Lady Gaga's egg, and made a brief appearance at the Grammy Awards.  We're still trying to wash the placenta out of their clothes.

Day 1517 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #2

We were visiting Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) in New York when the kids got away from us while on the ferry to Ellis Island.  When they made it ashore, they some how convinced a busload of Wall Street protestors to take them to Sesame Street.  Thus began the confusing demonstration know as Occupy Sesame Street.  Thankfully, not too many other protestors appeared because everyone who wanted to get involved had the same question:  Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

Day 1516 - Holiday Newsletter Scandal #1

Charlie Sheen tried to salvage his reputation with Emma and Andrew.  After weeks away from us, the kids finally returned home exhausted with a strong appetite for tiger's blood and prostitutes.

Day 1515 - Holiday Newsletter

Since we are getting closer to the holidays, and the family will be traveling up to Northern California to visit family, I thought I would make the next week of blog entries a little easier for me.  Every year, we send out holiday newsletters that are full of lies and sarcasm.  This year, the concept behind the newsletter is that the kids were heavily featured in a wide variety of tabloid magazines and websites.  I created eight photos of the kids involved in their scandals and figured I would feature one photo a day until Christmas.

So from December 18th-25th, the blog will feature one scandal a day.  By Christmas, we should be leaving the Bay area (i.e. no internet access) and traveling to Sacramento (i.e. internet access).  Hope everyone has a great holiday and see ya in a week!

Happy holidays everyone!

Day 1514 - Picture Friday: Disneyland Edition

 There's nothing that builds a boy's confidence more than riding on a pastel seahorse.

 "I promise, Daddy.  I won't pick my nose anymore!"

 

 "Whee!  This is like riding in the car when Mommy drives!"

"It's a scratch!  Not a pick!  A scratch, I say!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1513 - Sucker!

Emma and Andrew made tree ornaments at preschool.  They painted the inside of plastic ornaments, and then adorned the outside of it with a little picture of themselves.  It's one of those things you treasure as a parent, but in ten years the kids will say, "Why the f*&# do you still have this crap?"

Emma opened up her ornament and gave it a big smell.  She went to Andrew and said, "Andrew!  Smell this.  It smells sooooo good!"

So Andrew smelled the ornament and commented, "Ewww.  This smelly!"

And Emma pointed her finger at Andrew and laughed and laughed and laughed.  Andrew was punked!

I think this is the first time either of the kids played a practical joke without being told what to do by one of us.  And by one of us, I mean me. 

Is it wrong to be proud of Emma for pulling one over on Andrew?  Or should I be scared that this is the first of many practical jokes that are going to occur in the Ichikawa house?  I think the latter.  As a precaution, I have locked away all peanut brittle/snake cans, fake puke, and fake poop.  Except for that one little piece of poop that was actually Andrew's, but that's for another blog entry...

Day 1511 - Quote of the Day

Day 1509 - Conversations with Emma

Each day when Lisa comes home from work, the first thing she does after giving the kids a hug and kiss and me the finger is change her clothes.  On this certain day, I hoped she would change her clothes quickly because I had something very urgent to do:  take a crap.

I was supervising the kids doing an art project, so I couldn't leave them alone.  As I was waiting for Lisa to come downstairs, Emma asked me if something was wrong.

I answered, "Oh.  Nothing's wrong.  I'm just waiting for Mommy to come back downstairs because I have to go to the bathroom."

"Do you have to go pee-pee?" Emma asked.

"No," I answered.

"You have to do a stinky poo-poo?" she surmised.

"Yes.  That's right.  I have to do a stinky poo-poo," I answered.

"Andrew!  Daddy has to do a stinky poo-poo!" Emma screamed with an unusual amount of joy.

"Eww!" sneered Andrew.  "Daddy's a poo-poo head!"

Emma and Andrew laughed hysterically.  I just clenched my teeth and knees.

Finally, Lisa made it downstairs.  I darted upstairs and told the kids, "Okay!  Daddy will be right back.  I got to go to the bathroom."

And then the thing Emma said to me, I was unable to tell if it was said honestly or sarcastically.  But with a flip of her head she said, "Well, I hope you have a good one!"

I guess that was good etiquette?  I looked it up in Emily Post, but there was nothing about poop politeness.

Day 1508 - The Scariest Place on Earth

We have finally cemented ourselves as a stereotypical Japanese family in Los Angeles:  we purchased annual passes for Disneyland.  Since the kids were three, we've taken them to Disneyland twice a year:  during the spring and the winter for the holiday decorations.  And if we went one more time, then that would be more than the cost of the annual pass for the four of us.  Of course, the passes were so expensive we had to sell one of the kids, but at least the remaining child will have a fun 2012.

It is a little eye-opening to take the kids to Disneyland every six months or so because each time it's a little different.   When they were three, they were just luggage in a stroller.  But now they have their own very strong opinions on what they like, what they don't like, and what they want to try.  In other words, never take a four year old on the Haunted Mansion.

Overall, the kids had a great day at Disneyland.  But I'd have to say Andrew had a better day than Emma because there were three things that happened to her that she did not like at all.  The first thing was the new Little Mermaid ride.  I was most concerned about the scene with Ursula since the kids have a fear of large things and Pat Carroll, but Emma freaked out within the first minute of the ride!

Right at the beginning, there's a portion where your seashell tilts backwards and you "enter" the ocean.  A gust of wind and digital projections of water and bubbles surround you.  Emma did not like this.  She screamed.  She cried.  She kicked my balls.  And by the time she calmed down, guess what the next scene was?  Yup, Pat Carroll singing.

When we exited the ride, I asked the kids if they enjoyed it.  Andrew said his usual "Yup", but Emma pulled me down to her level and said, "I did NOT like the Little Mermaid ride.  I do NOT want to ride it again."  I guess we won't be a part of that world for another year or so.

The second thing that happened was when we decided to watch Fantasmic.  We explained to the kids what was going to happen and how it would be loud and how the dragon at the end of the show was a pretend dragon because the real dragon was on the press tour for How to Train Your Dragon. 

The lights dimmed and the show began.  It starts off simple enough with spotlights, loud music, and Mickey Mouse.  But once the water screens appeared and scenes of surreal animation were projected, Emma jumped out of the stroller and hid.

Emma started to mumble something at me, but I wasn't able to hear her.  I asked her to talk louder.  She mumbled something again.  One last time, I told her to talk even louder.

"WHY DO YOU MAKE ME WATCH THESE THINGS, DADDY?!?!?!?!?" Emma screamed.  And that was the end of Fantasmic.

The last thing that happened to Emma was right before the fireworks were going to start.  As we were leaving Fantasmic, the fireworks were to begin in about 15 minutes.  So we decided to park the stroller at the end of Main Street to watch the pyrotechnics.  The kids were getting a little tired and grumpy, but were looking forward to the "snow" at the end of the fireworks.

Emma was sitting in the stroller when she asked me if I could carry her a little.  Since I've been working out, I was anxious to try out my new "guns".  So I put my hands out in front of her to pick her up, but then she tossed her head into my hands.  I felt something moist.  Oh boy...I hope it was her nose or her mouth.  Nope.  It was her eye.

Soon the fireworks started early.  And by that I mean the fireworks coming out of Emma's lungs.  I looked at Emma's eye and there was a spot of red.  I figured I would get a small bag of ice for her.  So I ran down Main Street screaming "Annual passholder needs ice!  Please move!  Annual passholder coming through!"

When I returned with some ice, Emma was calm.  She ended up eating the ice more than putting it on her eye.  She told me her eye didn't hurt, and she could see fine.  I even grabbed my phone and Googled "red eye caused by guilt-ridden father's finger"".  And it looked like Emma would just have a bloody eye for about a week.

The firework show was nice, the kids enjoyed watching the pretend snow, and we left the park a happy family.  And best of all, the souvenir we received was free:  Emma's bloody eye.

Day 1507 - Picture Friday

 "What am I suppose to do with this?  Sell used cars?  Some present for a four year old..."

 Emma holds hands and does a lovely pose with Mr. Frosty.

 "Like hell I'm going to hold hands with this freak.  Don't you see that yellow snow there?  Uh-uhhhh!"

As Lisa tries to gain Emma's interest with books, all Emma can think about is the girl to the left of her with an iPad.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1506 - Eat-tiquette

We try to instill in the kids proper eating etiquette:  chew with your mouth closed, eat with utensils, keep your ass off the table.  Simple things like that.  But somehow, kids will be kids, and before you know it their ass is back on the table.

After dinner, Andrew came up with this little schtick on how people eat around our dinner table.  It was pretty interesting so I decided to record it on my camcorder.  Although I asked Andrew to recreate what he did, I swear to you that this kid made it up all by himself.  I think after viewing the video, you might be able to confirm for yourself who Andrew takes after...

Day 1504 - Snark Attack!

I hope I can honestly say that our kids are pretty good children.  We have problems just like any other parent whether it be something small like reminding them to say thank you or something large like identity theft (Boy!  These kids sure learn how to hack at an early age!).  But the one thing we are noticing with Emma is that she has learned how to be a little snarky.

It probably doesn't help that her parents are lovingly sarcastic to each other.  Probably not a day goes by where she doesn't hear a conversation like this:

LISA:  Did you remember to mail the bills?

SCOTT:  Oh thanks SO much for reminding me since I'M the one who writes them out every month.

LISA:  I'm glad you remembered because that DWP bill on the counter must NOT be there because YOU put it in the mailbox.

SCOTT:  That's right because the COUNTER is a MAILBOX.

And...end scene.

Here are just two recent examples of Emma's snarkiness.  First, it was bedtime, and Lisa was putting Emma into bed.  Since it has been a little colder at night, Lisa wanted Emma to go underneath the blankets.  Emma did not want to do it.  Lisa explained to Emma that she wants to tuck her into the blankets so she'll stay nice and warm.

And what did Emma have to say about this?  She told Lisa, "You don't have to worry about me.  You just worry about yourself."

The second example was a double whammy.  It was dinner, and we were all sitting and eating...except Emma.  Lisa told Emma to stop fooling around and to eat her dinner.  Lisa said this several times, and I think this started to annoy Emma because she told Lisa, "No more conversations!  Everybody just be quiet and eat!"

Whammy number one.

Lisa explained to Emma that everyone was eating except her.  Lisa pointed towards Andrew and said, "Look at your brother.  He's just sitting down and eating his dinner."

Emma did not like this comparison because she responded, "I don't think Andrew even knows what the word 'conversation' means..."

DOUBLE WHAMMY!

I'm glad when we hear Emma talk like this we can laugh because there will be very little laughing in the house when she becomes a teenager. For now, we are trying to sternly tell Emma that there are certain ways to talk to people that are acceptable and not acceptable.  We don't want to overreact because this may only feed the fire inside her more.  Or as Lisa and I explained to her:

LISA:  Please don't say that, Emma.  Because your Daddy would NEVER say that.

SCOTT:  Oh yes.  I would NEVER say that because your Mommy would NEVER give me a REASON to say such a thing.

What role models we are...

Day 1502 - Dear Santa Part 2

The holidays are upon us, and this is a wonderful time to be parents.  Sure, the whole Santa Claus/family/gift crap is great.  But even better is that you're able to blackmail your kids into behaving like good little children!  You're not going to eat your vegetables?  NO PRESENTS!  You're not going to stay in bed?  NO PRESENTS!  You're not going to give us your Christmas money?  NO PRESENTS!

I've never asked my friends how they deal with Santa Claus at their homes, but we have arbitrarily decided that Santa Claus magically fills up your Christmas stockings with toys and gifts on Christmas Eve; all of the other gifts underneath the tree are from family, friends, and sperm donors.

Although we already bought Emma and Andrew their gifts , we asked them to write a letter to Santa.  Being a teacher, Lisa told the kids to write their own letter.  So with a little coaxing and coaching, Emma and Andrew wrote their own letters to Santa for the very first time.

Here is Emma's letter:

It says:

DEAR SANTA,
I WANT PLAYDOH, CASTLE, BOOK.
EMMA

I hope Santa will be able to read those commas or else Emma's going to end up getting a play-doh castle book.  The funny thing that came out of writing this letter is that Emma told us she was a little nervous about Christmas because she thought she screwed things up when she visited Santa.  Emma explained that she told Santa she only wanted a princess castle and nothing else.  When the actual truth is that she wants a princess castle and many, many more presents.

And here is Andrew's letter:

It says:

DEAR SANTA,
I WANT CARS, PLAYDOH, BOOK.
ANDREW

If you're wondering why Andrew's letter is so similar to Emma's, it's because Andrew got a mental block after cars.  All Andrew really enjoys playing with are all of his Cars toys, but he didn't want to get screwed out of receiving less presents than Emma so he decided to tag on playdoh and books.  Take that, Emma!

Since the kids wrote these letters towards the end of the day, we told them that we would mail them out tomorrow.  Or maybe not?  Did you pick up all of your toys?  No?  Well maybe we won't mail your Santa letter!  Bwahahah!  Oh, I love Christmas...

Day 1501 - Dear Santa

This weekend, we took the kids to see Santa Claus.  After looking online and realizing that the photo packages at every mall is pretty much the same, we took the kids to the Santa at the Americana.  The Americana is the Valley's version of The Grove, but with more smog.  The only thing I've ever bought at The Americana is a cup of coffee, but that's par for the course for me at any mall.  But the Santa at the Americana is a pretty good one, and the set up is really nice.

If I was in charge of the kids, they would visit Santa wearing a primary colored t-shirt and denim jeans.  But Lisa being Lisa, she busted out the button-down shirt for Andrew and a new holiday dress for Emma.   I am sure both sides of the family are thankful that there is someone in our family that has some fashion sense.

We arrived at the Americana early enough where there was only a five to eight minute wait to see Santa.  While in line, we maintained the Asian stereotype of testing our kids to make sure they efficiently and optimally performed in front of Santa.  What's his name?  Santa Claus.  Where do you sit?  On his lap.  What do you want for Christmas?  WRONG!  You want a slide ruler and an abacus!

When it was Andrew and Emma's turn with Santa, they were still a little shy, but they spoke up and told Santa what they wanted for Christmas.  Andrew said he wanted cars, and Emma asked for a princess castle.  After the small talk, the elf photographer tried to get the kids' attention with a sock monkey.  Emma does a great job posing for pictures, but Andrew is always a little off.  He's always preoccupied looking at something else besides the camera, and his smiles lean between being constipated and a stroke victim.

As the kids trotted off with Lisa with candy canes in hand, I made a u-turn towards the purchase line.   I decided to pick one of two photo packages:  1)  The $30 package which includes (1) 5x7 and a usb drive with every photo; 2) The $20 package which includes a usb drive with your choice of one photo.

I made my way to the computer monitor and viewed the five photos that were taken.  Photo #1 - Emma smiling, Andrew looking off to the side.  Photo #2 - Emma smiling, Andrew looking at the floor.  Photo #3 - Emma not smiling, Andrew constipated.  Photo #4 - Emma smiling, Andrew slightly constipated.  Photo #5 - Emma smiling, Andrew angry.

And Photo #4 it shall be.  Happy holidays...with a slight chance of constipation!

Day 1500 - Picture Friday

 "If I pee right into the tree trunk, no one will ever know..."

 Emma will hit a mile after she runs around this lap 87 more times.

 "Who me?  Nap?"

Happiness is...a Mother who will pull out your back hairs.

Have an awful weekend...

JUST KIDDING!  Have a great weekend!

Day 1499 - Hairy Situation

I think when you have boy/girl twins, you inevitably have the kids take interest in the opposite gender's toys and clothes.  Emma will play with Andrew's cars and fire trucks, and Andrew will play with Emma's dolls and fairy wings.  We've even had conversations with Andrew explaining to him why only girls and Daddy wear dresses.

Most of the time, our kids just don't want to be left out.  For instance, if Emma is getting fingernail stickers, then Andrew wants them because he wants the same amount of attention.  For the most part, we let our kids play with or wear whatever they want to at home.  But we will try to point them towards the "right" direction when going out into public; Lisa tends to do this more since she is quite embarrassed with my general appearance.

The one thing that has been hilarious is what happens at our preschool.  There are occasions when a teacher may braid Emma's hair at school.  It's quite fancy and impressive.  But of course, Andrew feels left out, so he wants something done to his hair too.  Since Andrew's hair is no where as long as Emma's, the teacher needs to improvise.  What she came up with is sprouting Andrew's hair with rubber bands. 

Here are a few glamor shots of Andrew's various hair styles:

 

Day 1497 - Conversations with Emma

Over the past four or six months, the kids have started to become more interested in games.  We probably have close to a dozen games that the kids can choose from.  Some of their favorites are Chutes and Ladders, Elefun, Candy Land, and Guess What Mommy Drank For Lunch.

Tonight, Emma hopped on the sofa next to me and seemed a little bored.

"Daddy, will you play with me?" she asked.

"Sure," I said.  "What do you want to do?"

"Oh!  I know!  Let's play a really fun game!" she exclaimed.

"Okay, how do you play?" I asked.

"Pretend you're dead."

Day 1495 - Thanksgiving Road Trip

Although we went as far as buying a turkey for the freezer, we decided at the last moment to go to Northern California for Thanksgiving.  We only visited Santa Clara this time because Crazy Gaga was too busy cleaning out the slot machines at all of the Indian casinos.  Literally, cleaning out the slot machines.  She brings a bucket of sponges and Lysol and literally cleans the slot machines inside and out.

It was a quick visit, but it's always nice to spend the holidays with family.  How else would you know what a colonoscopy or prostate examination feels like?  And it's all the more better talking about it while eating turkey and stuffing....emphasis on the stuffing.

Although holiday conversations about body orifices are always intriguing, what I really want to talk about is the road trip to Santa Clara.  Just in four short years, these road trips have gone from exhausting to really exhausting.  When you're traveling with infants, the tough thing is the bottle feeding and the over-packing of luggage and supplies; did we really need to bring the Diaper Genie in the car?  But when you're dealing with four year olds, it's a whole other ball game.

I'd say between three and four years old, our kids began to get bored and infinitely irritated with car trips.  About the only two things our kids say to us on these long road trips are "Are we there yet?" and "You ran over another bird!"  This age was also the time when we decided to purchase a portable DVD player -- the savior of all car trips.

But the one thing that really got me on this trip was my thought that driving at night would make it easier.  We drove several hours, stopped off for dinner, and then brushed the kids' teeth and put them into their pajamas.  With about three hours left, I thought I could coast right through while the kid sleep through the rest of the trip.  But boy was I wrong!  Why is it that the kids will fall asleep coming back from Costco, but when we have 200 miles left to Santa Clara, all they want to do is raise my blood pressure?

As we pulled back onto the highway for the last leg of the trip, Andrew immediately started to whine.  What was he whining about?  He was complaining that it was too dark outside. 

"Andrew, it's night.  It's suppose to be dark," we explained to him.

"But I DON'T LIKE IT!  IT'S TOO DARK!  WHERE'S THE LIGHT!" he screamed.

"You need to go to sleep like the sun," we said.

"WAKE UP THE SUN!!!" he demanded.

His whines turned into screams and cries.  Inevitably, this began to get Emma upset.  Her tolerance for shrieking and very loud noises has decreased, so she got angry at Andrew.

"Andrew!  Stop crying!  It's too loud!" she pleaded.

"I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SAY, EMMA!  STOP IT!" yelled Andrew.

"You stop it!"

"NO YOU STOP IT!"

"STOP IT!"

"NOOOO!"

And cue the dissonance tones of crying and shrieking by the Emma and Andrew Crabby-nacle Choir.

I put away the DVD player because I thought the kids were going to fall asleep.  So Lisa grabbed the player, and attempted to set it up for the kids.  This always gets me a little nervous because Lisa has to turn around in her seat and stick her butt in my face to reach the DVDs.  I fear that she might slip, and her ass on my head would be the end of the Ichikawa family.  I imagine our epithet would be something along the lines of "What an ass-inine way to die."

Of course the kids' excitement of watching a DVD turned into disagreement over what to watch.  Even when we told them they could take turns watching a DVD that turned into an argument over who got to watch their show first.  I felt like I was listening to CSPAN.

Ultimately, Cars 2  and Go, Diego, Go made the remainder of the car ride peaceful.  We arrived at Santa Clara at 10:15p and the only person who fell asleep in the car was Lisa.  Coincidentally, the only person who pooped in the car was Lisa, too.

As I got into bed at midnight and thought about our crappy car drive, I took solace with the thought that my crappiness isn't unique.  My crappiness is the one thing that bonds me with all of the other families across the country trying to make it home for Thanksgiving.  So this year, I give thanks to all of the other crappy families out there having a crappy day and crappy travel problems.  Happy Crapgiving everyone!