Day 1116 - Happy Hallowheeze

This Halloween, we got tricked because we were treated with an under the weather child. Sadly, Andrew didn't feel too well today so we decided to forgo the traditional high fructose collection. But before you feel too sorry for Emma, we did hit an outside mall for an afternoon of Halloween activities and trick or treating.

For the first time, the kids were old enough to understand the basic mechanics of Halloween: whore yourself for candy. They picked their costumes, they helped make decorations, and they were able to say "Trick or Treat" and "Give up the loot, Grandpa!"

Here are some pictures from the past week with the kids getting ready and celebrating Halloween...

We went to a nearby farm to pick our pumpkins. The kids had fun running through the the corn fields, pumpkins, and horse feces. When we got home, I had the kids help me prepare the pumpkins for carving. After cutting off the top, I let them pull out the pumpkin seeds. As you can see, Andrew thought it was disgustingly funny thing to do.


But Emma just thought the whole process smelled funny. She really did not enjoy the slimy feeling of the pumpkin innards. All she cared about was toasting the pumpkin seeds and carving the pumpkins.


Surprise, surprise. When I asked the kids what they wanted on their pumpkins, Andrew said Lightning McQueen and Emma said a Disney Princess. I was pleasantly surprised at the way the pumpkins turned out. I think the Lightning McQueen is pretty spot on, but my Ariel can also be mistaken for a post-coital Wilma Flintstone.


Emma was dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast. As you can see she is the splitting image of Belle...if she was a 3ft tall Japanese girl carrying a gigantic pumpkin. What Emma really loved was her Princess wand. Not only does it light up, but it is also extremely useful to swat Andrew with.


Andrew wanted to be Lightning McQueen. The only costume we found at the Disney Store was this costume which is a Lightning McQueen racing outfit. I figured it was close enough, but Auntie Susan was nice enough to help us with his costume. My brilliant idea was to have her make some wheels that we could attach to Andrew's arms and legs so it would look like he was a car. Brilliant right?


Well, not so brilliant. Auntie Susan made these great wheels that we were able to attach to Andrew's arms and legs with velcro straps. Lisa and I thought it looked great on Andrew, and Andrew was not particularly happy. He was upset because the wheels wouldn't stay straight on his arms and legs, and he kept on adjusting the velcro straps. I suggested to Lisa that I could use a staple gun, but she just rolled her eyes and stapled my forehead...several times.


And this last photo was taken tonight before the kids went to sleep. We let the kids make some pumpkin sugar cookies, and they were super happy to eat them for dessert. And as they happily went to sleep after a busy day, Mommy and Daddy were super happy to eat all Andrew's and Emma's candy for dessert. Happy Halloween, suckahs!

Day 1115 - Conversations with Emma & Andrew

Andrew is very protective of all of his Cars toys. And by protective I mean violent and psychotic. There are occasional times when he is willing to share his Cars toys with Emma, but for the most part a hand on his cars means a slap in the face.

Andrew has a Cars play mat that is decorated like the town of Radiator Springs -- the place where most of the movie takes place. Emma was lying down on it, and Andrew did not like this at all.

"Emma, get off!" demanded Andrew.

"I just lying down, Andrew," explained Emma.

"Emma! Stop!" Andrew said with more anger.

"No," said Emma with a sneer.

"Move, Emma! MOOOOOVE!" At this point, Andrew's entire head looked like an infected pimple that was about to burst.

Emma ignored Andrew's request and just rolled on her back.

"Okay, Emma. I going to sit on you then!" And Andrew did exactly that. He sat his butt on top of Emma's body.

It was all quite funny until Emma said, "Andrew...get...off...I...can't...breathe..."

Day 1114 - Picture Friday

Due to our inability to pronounce the letter "r", Emma got a crown painted on her hand instead of a clown.

"Andrew, how many times has Mommy called Daddy a dumbass today?"

Emma is working on a draft of her first books Green Diapers and Ham.

"Oh! You wanted me to pick something from the menu?"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1113 - Emma & Her One Arm

I don't get easily disturbed. The evening news doesn't disturb me. Unknown objects found next to public toilets doesn't disturb me. Justin Bieber doesn't disturb...okay...he disturbs me a little bit. But I bring this up because Emma has begun playing with something that has disturbed me: an amputated baby doll arm (I figured for those law enforcement readers out there I needed to clarify it was a doll's arm.).

One of Emma's doll's arm came off by accident because I pulled it off as a joke. Okay fine, it wasn't an accident. But I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to put the pieces back together. And for some reason, Emma has found this severed baby arm to be her new best friend.

It's all innocent fun and there's a certain novelty about playing with a little baby arm in a fanciful serial killer way, but it's just so visually surreal and odd to see Emma playing with it. She'll watch television with it, have a tea party with it, or read a book to it. The only thing she can't do is play pat-a-cake with it.

The oddest sight was when some of our friends were over with their kids. All of the kids were surrounding our kitchen play set because they were cooking the severed arm in a frying pan. It was like watching a basic cable cooking show for Andes airplane crash survivors.

There could be many worse things that Emma might have ended up playing with so I should stop my complaining. Compared to the severed whale penis Emma brought home from the beach one summer day, this doll arm is nothing.

Day 1111 - Conversations with Emma

Despite the ongoing debate, I do have facial hair, and I occasionally have to shave. Since I am now a Mr. Mom, I find myself shaving less and less during the weekdays. Lisa hates the way I look when I don't shave for days because my face looks like an untended front lawn: random patches of growth everywhere.

I have also found out that Emma does not like it when I do not shave. This morning when I gave Emma a hug, she told me my face was too rough; she also told me I was ugly, but there was nothing I could do about that.

So while the kids were watching their morning television program, I decided to shave my sparse patches of facial hair. When my whiskers get too long, I usually use shaving cream and a razor instead of my electric shaver. I lathered up and started to shave.

Just as I was finishing up, Emma walked in and was shocked to see what was going on.

"Daddy! What you doing?" said Emma.

"Oh. I'm just washing up," I said with spots of shaving cream all over my face.

Emma looked a little closer at my face and said, "Oh Daddy. What happened? You have toothpaste all over your face!"

Day 1110 - Poll Results & New Poll

Once upon a time, long ago, there was a time when every Monday there were poll results and a new poll...

For those of you who missed these polls, please accept my apologies! The past month has been rough with the remodeling and the preparations for Lisa's birthday (aka The Most Important Celebration of the Year). The day would just fly by, and there was no reason to put up a new poll on a Friday. And for those of you who hate the polls, tough luck. They're back.

So, where were we? Ah yes. Last month, I asked what age was more difficult with kids: two or three. Sixty-two percent of you said that age three is more difficult. And then the rest of you voted that all ages are difficult.

Based on the results, I take great solace that people seem to think age three is more difficult because that is what I'm finding out. The kids seem to be much more stubborn and tyrannical than they used to be. And as for those of you who believe that all ages are difficult, I am on my way to BevMo! to stock up on liquor.

**********

For the past week or so, Lisa have I been sleep deprived. It goes without saying that my flatulence problem is part of the problem, but the real butt of the problem is Emma's crying in the middle of the night.

A few times a night, Emma cries because her bedsheets are messy. She screams for us because she gets too frustrated trying to fix her sheets by herself. We've tried many things to stop this from happening: letting her cry it out, trying to teach her how to do it herself, and swaddling (Boy! For something that they loved for the first part of their lives, they sure hate it now!).

So what do you think? Is it just a phase that we have to wait to end? Do we keep on letting her cry? Or should we just get her a sleeping bag?

Day 1109 - Happy Birthday Lisa!

Today is Lisa's birthday or as she calls it "The Most Important Celebration of the Year." Seriously. She has petitioned it to become a Federal holiday.

This weekend, we had a larger birthday celebration because of two reasons: 1) It was her 40th birthday and 2) I still have a few more years before I turn 40 (That's right...Lisa's a cougar. Groooowl.). On Saturday, we had a luncheon with a group of friends at a nearby restaurant. Then today it was just hanging out with the family. And tomorrow her classroom is throwing her a party. And then next weekend is the one week reunion of her 40th birthday back at the restaurant.

Since it was a special birthday and "The Most Important Celebration of the Year", I knew I had to have better presents than in the past. Not to say that my past presents have been bad. I thought last year's present of Midol and tampons was thoughtful and practical.

This year, I bought Lisa a nice Coach shoulder bag and took the kids to Color Me Mine to make some picture frames. I wasn't too sure how the frames were going to turn out, but the kids had a good time painting. The kids told me what colors they wanted to paint the frame, and then they went at it.

Emma was very careful to make sure the entire frame was painted with color. She sat down and was very focused on what she was doing. Here is what she did:


As for Andrew, he also showed focus...for about 3 minutes. At first, he had fun painting, but as soon as he started to mix all of his colors to create a festive black-toned frame, I decided Andrew was done; I didn't want the frame to end up looking like a tombstone.



The other concern I had about the picture frames is that I was afraid the kids were going to blab what they did to Lisa. So I did not tell the kids why we were painting the picture frames and did not talk about it when we got home. I did hear Andrew say to Lisa, "Paaaain! We paaaain today!" But then I told Lisa that Andrew was just trying to tell her we had pizza for lunch -- which was true.

So imagine my joy when I was able to keep this secret from Lisa for two full weeks! Imagine my joy when Lisa opened the gifts and was surprised! And imagine my joy when after opening the gifts Lisa finally told me that the day we went to Color Me Mine, Emma told her, "Today we went to paint picture frames at a store with Auntie Michelle!"

Yup...imagine my joy.

Day 1108 - Eating Out

As part of our on-going remodeling nightmare, I have had to take the kids out to eat practically everyday. I have probably visited every kid-friendly restaurant up and down the boulevard for the past week: California Pizza Kitchen, Corner Bakery, Noah's, Poquito Mas, Islands, IHOP, and Hooter's. You'd think by going out all of the time, the Ichikawa family must be gaining quite a bit of weight. But I have found it to be the opposite. Going out to eat everyday with three year old twins is a great cardiovascular workout for the parent.

Each day our remodeling has been delayed, I cringe at the fact that I have to take the kids out to eat. Before kids, eating out was a treat. You don't have to cook or do the dishes, you're served, and you could occasionally eat drunk if you wanted to. But with the kids, it is one hell of a chore trying to keep the meal from falling apart if you're by yourself.

There are three things that I have realized through the course of the week about eating out with the kids:

1) Circular tables are the best. If you sit at a circular table, you have easy access to feed and clean the kids. Booths are no good because either one kid ends up sitting by themselves or both kids sit together which can be even worse. Square tables are also not as good because it is harder the reach the kids. Although the one good thing about square tables is that it's easier to change a soiled diaper on one...despite the stares of management.

2) Why are crayons round? Crayons can occupy a kid's attention for an appropriate amount of time at a restaurant. But why can't they give out crayons that are shaped like a triangle or square? I end up spending half my time picking crayons off the ground because they keep rolling off the damn table that is balanced precariously by a folded up piece of napkin.

3) Check the bottom of the table at a mall's food court. There are certain things I do not pay attention to because as they say ignorance is bliss: Lisa's weight, Lisa's weight, and stuff underneath tables. I was at a food court for lunch enjoying the Italian cuisine of Sbarro's, when I noticed Andrew intensely occupied underneath the table. When I bent over to see what he was doing, he found an example of chewed gum pointilism. I titled it A Tuesday Afternoon at the Island of La Westfield Mall.

Day 1107 - Picture Friday

"Holy crap! I dealt it. I REALLY dealt it!"

"Touch my nuggets again, then I shank you!"

Emma arranges the sugar packets in order of most to least cancerous.

The kids quickly exit the bus when they realize there is a creepy gnome with unknown intentions in the backseat.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1104 - Attempted Dancing With the Stars

There's so much that I don't understand about Dancing With the Stars. How is it possible that it is on four hours a week? Are people really invested in the outcome of Bristol Palin's two left feet? How do you pronounce "Maksim Chmerkovskiy"?

Regardless, Lisa and the kids enjoy watching the show. I suppose there is something very family-friendly about the show. What is more wholesome than female dancers wearing silver-colored dental floss and alcoholic celebrity dancers? Come sit next to Daddy and watch The Hoff!

The kids were watching the show the other night and started dancing along with Derek Hough and Jennifer Grey's new nose. I took video of it, and here it is!

Day 1102 - It Takes A Disney Village

A few weeks ago, I bought the bluray version of Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Although the kids do not have the attention nor the fortitude to sit through an hour and a half of suggested animated bestiality, they do enjoy watching all of the musical numbers albeit "Kill the Beast".

Emma has watched and listened to the music enough where she knows most of the words to the beginning of all the songs. She can sing a little bit of" Under the Sea", "Beauty and the Beast", and she does a killer David Ogden Stiers impression of him reading the prologue.

Here's a little bit of Emma singing the beginning of "Belle."

Day 1101 - Remodeling Woes

Sorry for the constant delay with blog updates. Ever since we moved into our new place, things have been pretty hectic. As of this past week, we are doing a simple remodeling of our main floor. We are installing granite countertops in our little kitchen, the wet bar area, and the 1/2 bath. We also decided to install new light fixtures in the dining area and hallway, new sinks and faucets, and some new hardware in the 1/2 bath. And yes, you may now laugh that I used the word "simple" to describe our remodeling.

Anyhoo, I've had to keep the kids out of the house while the workers are doing their thing and that has been the most exhausting part of the entire process. Trying to wrangle 3 year old twins when you're going out to eat every day and trying to keep them out of the house from 9am - 2pm is not a particularly easy or restful thing to do. I'd liken it to root canal or a colonoscopy. Better yet, a root canal in your colon. That's more like it.

I'll try to find the energy to continue to update the blog over the next week or so. Supposedly, the work should be over with tomorrow. And yes, you many now laugh that I used the word "tomorrow."

Day 1100 - Picture Friday

I wish I could say that was an apple in Emma's mouth, but I guess it's pretty common to mistake an apple slice for a caterpillar.

"Oh crap," thinks Emma as she hopes her friend Jared did not take a peek at her red underwear.

Don't worry. Andrew didn't fall down. He's just reacting to Lisa falling down.

Andrew's expression is appropriate because Daddy should never turn around to take a picture of the kids while driving when a flock of nuns are crossing the street.


Have a great weekend!

Day 1097 - The Case of the Missing Bunny

Tonight was an especially difficult night getting Emma ready for bed. During bath time, she refused to get into the tub, and when she did get in she kicked water all over Lisa. Entertainingly for me, Lisa was wearing a white t-shirt. Getting her out of the bath wasn't any easier. Emma was still in a foul mood and getting her dressed was another gigantic chore. But once again, at least Lisa was still wearing a wet white t-shirt.

After the kids drink their milk and chew their vitamins, they get to pick one YouTube video to watch. Andrew always asks for a Cars video, but Emma has a wider interest. She might pick anything from a Disney Princess to a music video or even watching two girls doing very disgusting things with one cup. But since she misbehaved, she was denied her YouTube video.

While I was downstairs with Andrew watching a Cars video for the 1000th time, Lisa called for me. She asked me if I knew where Emma's coveted bunny blanket was. I had no idea, but if we didn't find that blanket we were going to have a very long night ahead of us.

After Lightning McQueen finished the Piston Cup race (...for the 1000th time...), Andrew and I headed upstairs to help find Emma's bunny blanket. As we walked, Andrew said, "I know where it is. I know where it is." So I was curious to see whether or not he truly knew where it was.

We entered the room just as Lisa found Emma's blanket behind the loveseat.

"I know where it is," chimed Andrew again.

"You knew where it was, Andrew?" asked Lisa.

"Yah. I know where it is," said Andrew.

"Why did you know where it was?" questioned Lisa.

"I put there," said Andrew.

"You put it there? Why did you hide Emma's blanket?" Lisa said with outrage.

And then Andrew said in his best Lou Costello voice, "Because Emma was a baaaaaaaad girl."

Day 1095 - Good Night, Princess...

Ever since we moved into our new house, the night time ritual for the kids has changed. Instead of a prolonged Lord of the Rings: Return of the King ending in which we had to do shadow puppets, tell stories, chase a flashlight, and say farewell to our friend Frodo with some very interesting subtext, the new ritual consists of one thing: a story.

I tell each of the kids an impromptu story that is created from Emma's and Andrew's suggestions. Granted, the suggestions aren't always very exciting, but the kids enjoy the stories nonetheless.

Emma has become very interested with the Disney Princesses. She really likes Belle, and Emma recently created a profile on Match.com looking for a prince.

Every night, Emma asks me to tell her a story about a princess. So every night, I begin her story with the following: Once upon a time, there was the most beautiful princess in all the land. And her name was Princess...

And then Emma will always chime in with a cheerful, "EMMA!"

I have a feeling Andrew is growing tired of Emma's princess stories because the other night he chimed in with his two cents.

I started out with my usual, "Once upon a time, there was the most beautiful princess in all the land. And her name was Princess..."

But before Emma could happily scream out her name, Andrew butted in by screaming a sarcastic, "POO-POO!"

Let's just hope that Princess Poo-Poo bares no resemblance to Rapunzel because who the hell knows what she may let down.

Day 1093 - Picture Friday

Andrew ices his shoulder after a long day of napping, eating, and whining.

Emma has a very unique way of ranking her Disney Princesses: by beauty, box office receipts, and video sales.

Happiness is: buying a new spoon.

"I MUST use conditioner more often!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1092 - Conversations with Andrew

Although I have been making the kids sit on their potty seats four times a day, we are still not out of diapers yet. I try to motivate the kids with their toddler minds why it would be so exciting to finally stop wearing diapers and start to wear big boy and girl underwear. And when I get down, I try to motivate myself by repeating my potty training mantra: Save $150 a month. Save $150 a month. Save $150 a month.

When I had Andrew sitting on the potty, I had this talk with him.

"Andrew, don't you want to wear your Lightning McQueen underwear?" I asked.

"Nope," replied Andrew.

"But Andrew, you are becoming such a big boy now. You have to learn how to do your pee and poop in the toilet, okay?"

"Nope. I don't want to," explained Andrew.

So I decided to use some simple logic with Andrew.

"Andrew, is Mommy a big girl?"

"Yah."

"Do big girls wear diapers or go on the potty?"

"Potty."

"So if Mommy is a big girl, where does she go pee and poop?"

"On dah potty."

"That's right," I exclaimed. "So is Daddy a big boy?"

"Yah."

"Do big boys wear diapers or go on the potty?"

"Potty."

"So where does Daddy go pee and poop?"

"In your pants! HAHAHAHAH!" Andrew said with biting sarcasm.

Day 1090 - The Chase Is On

Every once in a while, people ask me what is it like to stay at home and raise twins. My standard answer is that I will tell them after I get sober.

It really is hard to put into words what it is like to be with your toddler kids 24/7. Perhaps it's something analogous to working at a Denny's, but the on-going promo is ADHD Eat Free. It's a rewarding experience to be able to see your children grow and develop, but it is also extremely exhausting and stressful.

But what I can't explain in words, I can explain with a short video. Although the video is a mere thirty seconds, if you watch it 1440 times in a row, then you'll get an idea of what it's like to be at home with three year old twins.

Day 1088 - iPod, uPissed

Since I had to drop Lisa off in West Hollywood for a haircut appointment, I decided to take a short drive over to The Grove with the kids. I bought ourselves a little snack (kids halved a bagel; I had chicken marsala and a bottle of red wine), and then relaxed with the kids while watching the free water fountain show.

It was soon time to pick up Lisa, so I got the kids back into the car and slowly made my way out of the parking structure. Andrew wanted to listen to music and asked for the ipod.

"Sorry, Andrew," I said. "Daddy forgot the ipod at home, so we have to listen to the radio."

"Don't forget again," said Andrew.

What dah huh dah what he say?

"What did you say, Andrew?" I asked.

"Don't forget again," he repeated. And for emphasis, he said it once again with gusto, "Don't forget AGAIN!"

And not to be left out, Emma chimed in. "Andrew said don't forget the ipod again because he want to listen to his Cars (i.e. the Pixar movie soundtrack) song so don't forget it at home again."

"DON'T FORGET AGAIN!" Andrew added.

"You bring ipod next time we in car," suggested Emma.

"Don't! Forget! Again!" Andrew said...again. And again.

I told the kids to calm down and that they should not shout at Daddy. And to show them who was the boss, I said that if they continued to be angry at me about the ipod, then I would tell Mommy and Mommy would be very upset. I contemplated adding for extra drama and tension that Lisa was menstruating, but I left that out.

Eventually, Emma and Andrew settled down and they began to laugh and jabber away as they usually do in the car. But in the driver's seat, there was a very little man with very big conflicting feelings.

On one hand, it was my fault for forgetting the ipod because I usually always bring the ipod when we go on longer car rides. But I really didn't want to be ridiculed and lectured by my three year old twins. Lecturing and ridicule should be the sole responsibility of the wife.

To avoid further lecturing by these little hooligans, I think I'm either going to load up an old ipod with all of their songs or burn a CD. Although I see the humor in all of this, once again I can't help but imagine what things will be like ten years from now when the kids are thirteen.

TEN YEARS FROM NOW...

"Yo, douche! Did you bring the ipod yocto?" says Andrew.

"Oh. I think I forgot it at home," I answer.

"You fu*%ing idiot!" shouts Andrew.

"What did you say, Andrew?" I ask.

"YOU FU*%ING IDIOT!" screams Andrew.

Emma says, "Andrew called you a fu*%ing idiot because he doesn't want you to forget the ipod again because he wants to listen to his Justin Bieber greatest hits songs so don't forget it at home again, fu*%er."

Day 1087 - Conversations wtih Emma & Andrew

For a change, Emma and Andrew were playing nicely with each other. They were on the play rug happily playing with a bucket of toy cars. But as sure as day turns into night and Joanie loves Chachi, one of the kids had a meltdown.

"Emma," questioned Andrew. "Where McQueen car?"

"I don't know, Andrew," answered Emma.

"Emma!" demanded Andrew. "Where McQueen?"

"I dunno," said Emma.

"EMMAAAAA!" screamed Andrew. "WHERE MCQUEEEEEEEEN?"

Emma calmly looked up at Andrew and said, "Andrew. You need to stop whining."

Day 1086 - Picture Friday

Emma is so happy that she received the Happily Ever After Disney Princess collector's set...although Pocahontas died at a young age of 21 from possible poisoning.

"My...sweaty...legs...makes...sliding...painful..."

"You're out because in fashion one day you're in and the next day you're out. Auf wiedersehen!"

"If I hide my legs, then Mommy and Daddy must carry me everywhere!"


Have a great weekend!