Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Day 40 - Happy Halloween

Since it is Halloween, let's start off with a short horror story...

It was a dark and dank diaper. For the fourth time in three hours, Emma released another mudslide in her pants. As usual, the removal of the diaper was met with the yells and tears of an uncomfortable baby. Not to be outdone, Andrew answered with his own yelps of neediness.

Lisa and Scott looked at each other with tired eyes. If their eyes could speak, they would still say nothing because they'd be too damn tired. The constant crying and yelling was taking a toll. What was once a beautiful, vivacious couple has slowly turned into an ugly, lazy wife and a still beautiful, vivacious husband.

After reading multiple parenting books, infant behavior websites, and "The Kite Runner" (It had nothing to do with crying, but Lisa heard it was a great read), the helpless parents had no idea what to do about their unhappy babies. Would they succumb to an endless life of crying and tears? Or would they do what most parents do and send the kids off to boarding school?

While sorting through his various spam e-mails, Scott found one subject line that stood out -- actually two if you count "Free Donkey Penis Party Now!" But the more pertinent one exclaimed "Make Crying Babies Happy Babies." After double-clicking and realizing the donkey party wasn't free, Scott read the e-mail about crying babies.

A strange, but comforting vibe emanated from the e-mail. It conveniently addressed all of the problems Lisa and Scott were having with Andrew and Emma. The e-mail also felt a little too personal when it described "...daughters who look like George Costanza and brothers who poop in the tub..."

After discussing it with Lisa while she was asleep, Scott made an appointment the following day with the baby sleep specialist, Dr. Sanguine. Dr. Sanguine's modest office was just south of Beverly Hills; it was in Compton. As the Ichikawas entered the foyer of the building, they were greeted by the welcoming committee: two prostitutes and a crackhead.

Dr. Sanguine welcomed the Ichikawa family by name.

"Hello. You must be Bert, Flo, Olaf, and Violet."

Names, yes. Correct names, no.

Sensing the Ichikawas were about to leave, the doctor impressed the parents by touching the top of the their children's heads to immediately stop the crying. Dr. Sanguine dimmed the lights, turned on a flashlight, and aimed it at the bottom of his head for dramatic effect.

"If you wish to have the peace and quiet of happy babies, then I can give you this gift..."

Dr. Sanguine put down his flashlight. He picked up a larger halogen flashlight and shined it under his face.


Although startled by his booming voice and theatrical lighting, Scott and Lisa leaned in to hear the doctor's next words. Dr. Sanguine explained the only way for him to give them the gift of calm babies is for Scott to lose the thing he holds most dear. This sacrifice would demonstrate how much the children mean to him. Without this sacrifice, the babies would continue to cry and more importantly, there would be no climax to this story.

Scott looked deep inside and thought to himself, "Only if that Donkey Penis Party was free, my curiosity would be fed." Then he looked a little deeper and realized what he holds most dear to him was in that room: Lisa. As he looked up at his once beautiful and vivacious but now ugly and lazy wife, there was a tear in her eye. She knew she was what he held most dear to his heart; Lisa was anything if one big ego whore.

The crying and wailing started on cue as if Andrew and Emma knew their mother's fate. Lisa walked to her purse and conveniently pulled out a Pfeifer-Zelika .600 Nitro Express Magnum she forgot to take out after her last Mommy & Me class. She gave her babies and husband one last hug. Scott turned his head as the gun went off in the hallway. The deal was done.

But the babies were still crying. Scott snapped his fingers with a thought. He quickly drove home, unhooked his Wii, smashed it with a hammer, and returned. The babies were no longer crying. Now...the deal was done.

And with that...some Halloween pictures!!!

"Small question: Is it bad when your entire right shoulder goes numb?"

"Interesting. People package what I make in my pants."

"I love chocolate!"

"...i hate chocolate..."

Happy Halloween!

No comments: