Day 438 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

Strap on your straitjacket and have Nurse Ratcher give you your pills because it's another installment of Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Either I think my mom thinks I favor Emma or my mom favors Andrew. When Crazy Grandma is around, she notices that I carry Emma more than Andrew. Tis true for two reasons: 1) Emma comes up to me more than Andrew to be carried, and 2) I'm working on my biceps and they look so intimidating now!

Actually I shouldn't say that Crazy Grandma might favor Andrew, but she does worry about him more than Emma. When the kids were born, Emma was taller and heavier than Andrew. Even to this day, Emma is still taller and heavier than Andrew. Hell, she's taller and heavier than my right leg. My mom interprets this to mean that since Andrew is a bit scrawny, he needs a little bit more attention to make sure he grows up big and strong like his average height, Broadway-loving Papa.

Lisa and I invited my parents and sister over for dinner tonight. After eating, we were playing Trivial Pursuit with the kids which is great because they are total dumbasses at the game. Emma eventually came up to me and said in her dulcet tones, "weeeaaaahhh aaahhhh nyaaaahhh wahhhhh!!!" So I picked her up and carried her around the room. Pretty soon, Andrew came up to me and said in his dulcet tones, "Papa, perchance when you could spare a moment might you also tend to my infantile needs and bear my weight in your arms?"

Crazy Grandma saw that I could not carry both kids at the same time, so she leapt over the sofa and swooped Andrew into her arms.

"You need to carry Andrew, too! Bad daddy!" she reprimanded me.

I explained to her that if Andrew came up to me more often, I'd carry him as much as Emma. But just like any growing boy, he just enjoys playing with himself.

"You carry Emma all time and poor Andrew left on floor! Bad daddy! Right, Andrew? Bad daddy!" And with that, she grabbed Andrew's arm and hit me.

"Don't teach him to hit me!"

"Bad daddy! Hit daddy!"

She had Andrew hit me again. This made Emma laugh. I took a step back. Crazy Grandma took a step forward and had Andrew wack me again. Pretty soon, Crazy Grandma was chasing me around the room having Andrew slap me silly.

Of course everyone found this hysterical. My dad, sister, Andrew, and Emma were laughing at the site of Crazy Grandma using her grandson as a weapon. After the chase ended, my mom and I were standing next to each other still holding the kids. After a slight silence, Andrew looked at Emma, laughed, and then HIT Emma. Then Emma laughed, and Andrew hit her again!

That's right. Crazy Grandma taught her grandson how to be a thug. For the past fourteen months, I've been trying to teach Andrew how to sashay and in one night Crazy Grandma got Andrew one step closer to the Yakuza. I know this was all plain silliness and this isn't going to make Andrew into a goon, but it did open my eyes that the kids are entering a phase where they are beginning to mimic things they see. This could explain why the kids have started to play video games, ignore housework, and surf the internet for porn. Oh Lisa...get your act together!

Day 437 - Picture Friday

"Hands off my Barrel of Monkeys!"

The latest fashion craze: skinned bunny hats.

The kids accidentally see daddy walking out of the shower naked.

Someone get this girl a new diaper, stat!

Grandpa initiates Andrew into the Shriner's Club with his very own fez.

Have a great weekend!

Day 436 - Kiss and Tell

Every night Lisa and I do a bedtime ritual with the kids. First, I wind up this mobile that my aunt gave me when I was a baby. It plays this Japanese lullaby and twirls cherry blossom leaves around a red dog and a canary in a cage. I'm not 100% sure what the name of the lullaby is but I think it translates to "Twirl Cherry Blossom Leaves Around a Red Dog and a Canary in a Cage." I usually wind up the music box on the mobile long enough so it lasts about a minute. But during those days when Lisa and I are tired, I give it a short twist and tell the kids, "I think Grandma broke it."

After that, we go to the little hallway next to their closet. At the end of the wall is a vanity mirror. We have one kid turn on the light switch, and then we say good night to our reflection in the mirror. The kids seem to enjoy this because they start smiling and waving at themselves; I just think it's goofy. Then the other kid turns off the light, and Lisa and I switch kids.

At this point, it becomes an improv session with the kids. Sometimes they might point to the fishes on the wall. Or they might point to their names on the wall. Or they might point outside the window wondering why our next-door neighbors are naked on their balcony playing horsey.

Before we put the kids into their cribs, we ask the kids for a kiss or a hug. So far it has not been successful. This doesn't surprise me because for much of my life anytime I have asked for a hug or a kiss I have been either denied or slapped. And if I was lucky, both.

Tonight, I was about to put Emma down when she planted her mouth on my chin. At first I was wondering if I had some deli meat there, but my chin was clean. So to double check, I asked Emma, "Kiss?" And she did the same thing again! What joy it is to experience a kiss again when the last time it happened was during my wedding ceremony. And for the record, kissing guys do not count.

Lisa saw what happened and took Emma from my arms.

"Kiss?" asked Lisa.

Nothing.

"Kiss, Mommy?"

Nothing again.

Lisa asked one more time. "Kiss kiss?"

And then Emma answered, "Bitch! No means no! Put my ass down in my crib!"

So if you're keeping count on who has been kissed, it's 1 for Scott and 0 for Lisa. But if you've been keeping tabs on us since grade school, the it's 1 for Scott and 345,876 for Lisa. And for the record, kissing lingerie models from the pages of the Sears catalog circa 1986 does not count...although it would be pretty much even then.

Day 435 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 434 - Thanksgiving Meal

I know I'm a few days behind in getting this video up of the kids eating their Thankgiving meal, but between Emma running into walls, family portraits, and starting my new television pilot yesterday I fell behind. Poor, pitiful me.

As I was editing the video, I noticed the kids' Thankgiving meal wasn't too different from any other dinner. Their typical dinner consists of cut string cheese, steamed vegetables, rice, meat, and cut fruit. The only difference with this meal is that they ate turkey breast. I don't think the kids ever ate turkey breast before, but they gobbled (Hey! That's a pun!) it up.

Day 433 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked whether or not Auntie Anne should be allowed to babysit the kids by herself despite leaving scalding hot liquids in a variety of cups precariously balanced on furniture and animals. It looks like 81% of you would trust my sister to treat the third degree burns on the children as she babysits the kids. And the remainder of you think the kids are better off pushing the television on top of themselves in the "off-limits" zone. What kind of people are you?

I think my sister would do just fine babysitting the kids by herself. The kids are more comfortable around her, and she's more comfortable with them. Anne would just need to feel more comfortable changing diapers, preparing meals, and breast feeding the kids. It took me two months until I started to produce milk, but persistence pays off!

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About four or five years ago I started to do these holiday newsletters for our Christmas cards. But these were more of a parody of the typical "what did we do this year" type of newsletters. Every year, the cards became a little more elaborate and intricate with the ongoing storyline. Basically the story I created was that we had twin girls, Zsa Zsa and Eva, and a younger brother, Rupert, who we did not care for at all. It was finally revealed in last year's newsletter that the whole thing was a sham. We bought two girls from China, and Rupert never existed except on paper. This was all to reap the financial rewards of tax-breaks amongst other things. But the whole facade fell apart when Lisa became pregnant and gave birth to Emma and Andrew. Our Chinese girls became jealous and turned us into the authorities. Overall, your traditional holiday newsletter.

This year I have a few brainstorms for our untraditional holiday cards, but I don't know if I have to time to pull it off this year. Should I just forget it and send out a bunch of holiday photos processed at Costco? Or should I continue this madness of holiday weirdness?

Day 432 - Family Portrait Day

I knew today was family portrait day because I did two things I usually never do: 1) I wore a belt. 2) I used a comb. Yet my pants were still saggy and my hair still looked crappy. Unfortunately, this was as well-groomed as I was going to get.

Since Emma's face looked much better today, we went ahead and took our family portrait. Our appointment was at 1:30p so we fed the kids lunch at noon and hit the road around 12:30p. My sister drove my parents in their car and followed us to the mall. For some reason, Anne passed me on the freeway but she only had to take one off-ramp and make a right so it wasn't a big deal..or was it?

I received a call on my cell phone, and Lisa answered.

"Hello?"

"umm..heh-heh. It's Dad...Scott's Dad. Umm...we took a wrong turn and we're lost."

"WE'RE NOT LOST!" shouted my sister in the background.

"Which way did you turn when you got off the freeway," asked Lisa in her demeaning sing-song teacher voice.

"umm.. We took a left."

"You were suppose to take a right."

"Heh-heh...I guess that's why we're lost."

"WE'RE NOT LOST!!!" yelled Auntie Anne while spitting pretzel bits out of her mouth.

Although they DID get a little lost, it didn't matter because we were thirty minutes early for our appointment. Since the waiting area had a play area with some toys and a TV, we took the kids out of their stroller and let them roam around. Andrew went straight for the television, pointed at it, and asked me, "Did you work on this show and get it canceled?"

Once my sister and parents arrived, we were able to go inside the portrait room and take our photos. We ended up buying a small package deal that included all of the photos on a CD. So what you see below are a couple of the pictures that we took with a brief description. Enjoy my groomed hair and belted pants!

Lisa always complains when I draw cartoons of us that I draw her so much shorter than me. I know in this picture it looks like I'm not much taller than Lisa, but she's actually standing on some risers. So my cartoons ARE accurate, ya damn midget wife!

My sister and I laughed when the photographer told me to give Anne a hug because the Ichikawas aren't touch-feely people. Notice the awkward positioning of my left elbow so it doesn't graze any part of Auntie Anne's (pretzel maven) shoulder. Got to make sure I don't get the cooties.

Emma was very grumpy and sensitive during the entire shoot. She would cry and reach her arms out towards Lisa. Then she would cry and reach her arms out towards me to hit me. I think she was frightened by all the lights and the kooky photography and her assistant. The photographers looked like Central Casting extras from "Freaks and Geeks." Nice enough, but I'm sure they would've preferred to be at a matinee showing of "Twilight."

This was the best picture of Emma and Andrew. The object Emma is holding on to is not an old sofa, but rather the muscular, toned shoulders of yours truly.

And of all the pictures we took, here is the best group shot. Everyone smiled except Andrew. I think the reason Andrew did not smile was because of the way Lisa was holding him. Either that or he felt awkward because Grandpa and Crazy Grandma weren't wearing pants.