Day 1571 - Quote of the Day

Day 1569 - Conversations with Andrew

Lisa presented the kids their burned dinner of blackened chicken, blackened vegetables, and blackened rice; Lisa prefers to call it her Cajun cooking.  Andrew is a good eater, but very specific and particular about his food.

"I want furikake on my rice," said Andrew.

For those of you who don't know what furikake is, it is a Japanese condiment that you sprinkle on top of your rice.  Usually it is a mixture of salt, chopped seaweed, and sesame seeds.  But Americans know it more by the name of that salty, seaweedy, seedy thingy you get at Yoshinoya.

"How do you ask for it?" asked Lisa.

"Pleeeeeeeeeze?" wheezed Andrew.

"Thank you," replied Lisa.

Lisa went to grab the bottle of furikake and was about to sprinkle the salty MSG goodness over the rice when Andrew stopped her.

"Stop!" yelled Andrew.  "I want to do it!"

"No," said Lisa.  "Mommy's going to do it."

"Why?" Andrew wanted an answer.

"Because when you do it, you pour too much out and it gets all over the place.  THAT'S why!" explained Lisa.

I guess that answer was good enough for Andrew, although he did say in response, "I guess somebody's grouchy today..."

Day 1567 - Picture Friday

Emma pitches her new reality show merging the best of music and cuisine:   Top Clef.

"I assume this isn't the best time to tell you I have to go to the potty..."

"Look at me!  I'm chewing broccoli!"

"Look at me!  I'm chewing Emma's chewed broccoli!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1565 - Bad Mommy!

It was a typical winter day in Los Angeles:  mid-70s and sunny.  I was walking home with the kids from preschool.  They were talking and laughing up a storm telling me all of the exciting things that happened to them.  Emma painted, Andrew painted.  Emma ate lunch, Andrew ate lunch.  Emma pooped in the potty, Andrew pooped in his pants. 

As we were all holding hands and enjoying the walk home, I asked the kids what they wanted for their afternoon snack.  But before they could answer, we were emotionally attacked by a haggard, disoriented woman who leaped at us from behind a cement wall:  it was Lisa.

You see, Lisa thought it would be hilarious to scare all three of us because we were all happily walking home and discussing what nutritious morsel we would digest at home.  I will give it to Lisa that she scared me.  It was so bad that I used Andrew and Emma as human shields. 

At first, the kids were stunned by what happened.  There was just silence.  And then slowly, but surely, their silence turned into screams of horror and torture.  Those quivering lips turned into drooling mouths of saliva and tears. 

"MOMMY!  WHY DID YOU DO THAT?"  screamed Emma.

"THAT NOT NICE!  BAD MOMMY!" said Andrew getting straight to the point.  Bad mommy, indeedy!

And of course I had to comfort the kids by telling them, "I would never, ever do anything like that to you!  I don't understand why Mommy did such a scary thing like that.  I wuv you!"

Lisa gave an innocent "who would've thunk" shrug with her shoulders, and realized what she did was pretty lame.  Or better yet, it was a dumbass move.  I later reminded her of all the times I would jump out at the kids at home, and how she would reprimand me for scaring the kids.  Well my little misdemeanors at home has nothing to compare to Lisa's life-in-prison-sodomy-attack on the kids today.

All of this family drama was awkwardly taking place on the sidewalk of a residential street, so Lisa and I had to quickly figure out a way to calm the kids down and get them home.  Lisa tried apologizing to them, but the kids were still too hysterical.  Again, I tried telling the kids that I would never do that to them and I wuv, wuv, wuv them so much.  Still nothing.  Finally, we resorted to a tried-and-true solution to most  meltdowns:  ice cream.

Obviously, Lisa felt pretty bad about scaring the crap out of the kids.  As we reached home, Lisa apologized and told the kids what she did wasn't nice and that she would not do that again.  The kids accepted her apology and gave her big hugs.  And in return, Lisa offered the kids a can of peanut brittle.

You can only imagine their horror when a snake popped out of the can...

Day 1565 - You Were A Champ!

It was a sad day in the Ichikawa house because we bid farewell to a trusty family friend.  He was there in our time of need.  No matter how awful the job, he was there for us.  We crapped on him time and time again, yet he never left.  He stood true and loyal to us.  Good bye, dear friend.  Good bye, Diaper Champ.

Yes, after four years of stinky servitude, it was time to send off our crappy little dumpster off into a larger, crappier dumpster.  It was a strange feeling throwing away our feces friend because we've had him from the very beginning.  From the very first diaper to the very last diaper, our poopy compadre was there.

Truthfully, we had the Diaper Champ downstairs in our office for about a month before I finally threw it away.  I could easily throw away a piece of artwork that the kids drew, but for some reason I was having a really difficult time getting rid of our poop chute bucket.  Why was I so attached to this piece of crap?

Then it struck me.  This meant that the kids were growing up.  I was having difficulty throwing it away because I had a hard time acknowledging that our babies were no longer babies anymore.  So as I sat downstairs staring at the Diaper Champ, I came to terms with Andrew and Emma growing up and realized it was simply time to get rid of our fertilizer friend.  I gave it one last hug, a big sloppy kiss, and placed it gently into the garbage dumpster.

But I must say the thought crossed my mind to use the Diaper Champ as something else.  I brainstormed and came up with several ideas.  I only share these ideas with you because Lisa refused to hear me out.

A butter churner.  Mmm.  What's that delectable, creamy, yet subtly feces-tinged spread on my toast?

 A soda dispenser.  Dr. Pooper, Poop Beer, or Mountain Doo?

A planter.  You'll never run out of fertilizer.

A Halloween costume.  C3PO and RpooDpoo.

Day 1563 - Picture Friday

 "Why do we have to look like this?"

"I don't know, Miss Tyler, I really don't know. But you know something? it doesn't matter. There's an old saying, a very, very old saying: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". When we leave here, when we go to the village, try to think of that, Miss Tyler. Say it over and over to yourself. 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder'."

 "Scissor kick...scissor kick...box step...scissor kick!"

The iAndrew.

 

Have a great weekend!

Day 1561 - Quote of the Day