It was a typical winter day in Los Angeles: mid-70s and sunny. I was walking home with the kids from preschool. They were talking and laughing up a storm telling me all of the exciting things that happened to them. Emma painted, Andrew painted. Emma ate lunch, Andrew ate lunch. Emma pooped in the potty, Andrew pooped in his pants.
As we were all holding hands and enjoying the walk home, I asked the kids what they wanted for their afternoon snack. But before they could answer, we were emotionally attacked by a haggard, disoriented woman who leaped at us from behind a cement wall: it was Lisa.
You see, Lisa thought it would be hilarious to scare all three of us because we were all happily walking home and discussing what nutritious morsel we would digest at home. I will give it to Lisa that she scared me. It was so bad that I used Andrew and Emma as human shields.
At first, the kids were stunned by what happened. There was just silence. And then slowly, but surely, their silence turned into screams of horror and torture. Those quivering lips turned into drooling mouths of saliva and tears.
"MOMMY! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" screamed Emma.
"THAT NOT NICE! BAD MOMMY!" said Andrew getting straight to the point. Bad mommy, indeedy!
And of course I had to comfort the kids by telling them, "I would never, ever do anything like that to you! I don't understand why Mommy did such a scary thing like that. I wuv you!"
Lisa gave an innocent "who would've thunk" shrug with her shoulders, and realized what she did was pretty lame. Or better yet, it was a dumbass move. I later reminded her of all the times I would jump out at the kids at home, and how she would reprimand me for scaring the kids. Well my little misdemeanors at home has nothing to compare to Lisa's life-in-prison-sodomy-attack on the kids today.
All of this family drama was awkwardly taking place on the sidewalk of a residential street, so Lisa and I had to quickly figure out a way to calm the kids down and get them home. Lisa tried apologizing to them, but the kids were still too hysterical. Again, I tried telling the kids that I would never do that to them and I wuv, wuv, wuv them so much. Still nothing. Finally, we resorted to a tried-and-true solution to most meltdowns: ice cream.
Obviously, Lisa felt pretty bad about scaring the crap out of the kids. As we reached home, Lisa apologized and told the kids what she did wasn't nice and that she would not do that again. The kids accepted her apology and gave her big hugs. And in return, Lisa offered the kids a can of peanut brittle.
You can only imagine their horror when a snake popped out of the can...
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