Day 138 - Grandma Ichinaga's Back in Town

After a three week stay with us in December 2007, Grandma Ichinaga returned home exhausted and with a case of the shingles. Lisa suggested to her mom that the next time she visit she might want to stay for a shorter amount of time. Grandma Ichinaga answered with a different solution: I'm not coming down again.

Well eat your words! This past Monday I picked up Grandma Ichinaga at the airport for a one week visit. She said she missed the kids and wanted to see them again. The more likely story is that she missed me and my sarcasm ("Oh...please feel free to stay ANOTHER week...").

Grandma Ichinaga has been enjoying the company of the kids and no longer mistakes our front door for her bedroom door (see Day 11 entry). Lisa, the kids, and Grandma came to my work on Wednesday so we could all go out to lunch. I overheard Grandma Ichinaga tell my friend, Jay, that she doesn't want to say anything around me because she fears being published in the blog. She also said I tell lies in the blog. How dare you! I never lie...I just embellish with humorous exaggerations that border on lying yet thankfully teeters towards the side of truth.

I guess luck is on her side this week since I have been at work and unable to recount humorous exaggerations about her. But guess what! I have been taking a few mental notes about conversations Grandma Ichinaga has had with Lisa and I would love to share them with you right now! And as usual, I'll add a bit of humorous exaggeration but hopefully you won't be able to tell.

Humorous Exaggeration #1: Lisa and I were going to get some ice cream at Coldstones for dessert. Lisa asked her mom what is her favorite ice cream flavor? "Maple nut," Grandma Ichinaga answered. We both looked at each other confused because we've never heard of that flavor before. Lisa asked her, "What does it taste like?" Grandma answered, "Like maple nut." Lisa then slapped her mom for that silly answer.

Humorous Exaggeration #2: Grandma Ichinaga watched the movie "The Birdcage" on television. She recognized Hank Azaria playing the gay maid and said, "Wasn't he married to Henry Hunt?" Grandma then stood up and started to mime how gay people show affection.

Humorous Exaggeration #3: Grandma Ichinaga watched the television show "Survivor." During a team challenge, she commented upon the attire of the women. She said appallingly, "Look at those women. Already from the very beginning of the show they're wearing bikinis. BIKINIS! Isn't that crazy?" She then demonstrated what she was talking about by tearing up her blouse and tying it into a makeshift bikini.

Humorous Exaggeration #4: Lisa took the kids out for a stroll while Grandma stayed home watching television. While Lisa was out, she remained signed in on her AOL IM account. For those of you not familiar with it, there are occasionally odd sound effects signaling when your IM buddies sign in or out. One of Lisa's friend's IM sound is crickets. So when Grandma Ichinaga heard crickets she thought there was a cricket in the condo. Another person signed in and there was a loud creaking sound. Grandma Ichinaga thought there was someone else in the condo. She cautiously checked all of the bedrooms and the bathrooms. Unfortunately, she once again confused the front door for the bedroom door. She found herself out in the hallway, but thought it was the hallway to the bathroom. She hoped to find the bathroom, and found it. But the bathroom was actually the elevator. She entered the elevator and when she exited she confused the cigarette trash can for a toilet. As she relieved herself, she then confused a scared tenant's untucked shirt for a roll of toilet paper. The only thing that Grandma Ichinaga did not get confused about was being sent to jail for indecent exposure.

I hope Grandma Ichinaga knows I tell these stories because I find them all so cute. And if she thinks these tidbits are embarrassing, just wait until she reads the stories when my mom comes to visit later this month. Those are stories that don't need any humorous exaggerations at all.

Day 137 - College Funds

Last month I finally opened up a 529 college savings account for Andrew and Emma. For those of you not familiar with a 529 account, it is basically a state-sponsored tax-free savings account to be used for educational purposes. It is also a monthly reminder of how little money you will eventually be able to save for your child's education.

I took the monetary gifts the kids received from the past months, and it totaled to around $3000. I really wanted to buy the Macbook Air which costs around $2000, but would it be responsible of me to spend my children's money? That's an easy answer.

So with the remaining money, I deposited $500 into each of their accounts. I also set up a monthly direct deposit so I won't have to physically part with our hard earned cash. Assuming the kids will go to college, we have a good seventeen years to build up their fund. And if one of our kids ends up being a little Gumpish, all the better.

One financial website has a calculator to estimate how much it will cost to put your child through college in 2024. For instance, the current one year cost to put a child through UCLA is around $11500. In the year 2024, it estimates that to put your child through 4-years of college at UCLA it will cost a total of $115000. Do you know how many $10 lap dances I can get for $115000? At least 2300 dances (I tip really well).

Who knows where Lisa and I will be financially in seventeen years, but right now we're not too sure how to save over $200,000 to put our kids through college. With the 529 savings calculator, it looks like we should be able to get to 75% of the estimated goal. So with the 25% difference, all I have is three words for Andrew and Emma: whore, whore, whore.

Speaking of college, my friend, Brian, has a web-based comedy series called "Dorm Life." He and his friends made it last year and it finally debuted this past Monday. Check it out!

Here's a link to their press release: PRESS RELEASE.

And here's a link to their web site: DORM LIFE.

Day 136 - Let Sleeping Babies Lie Part 3 (conclusion)

Here is the exciting conclusion to the Sleep Wars trilogy: Return of the Redeye.

For those of you who have not kept up with the blog, here's a quick summary of our sleep training with Emma:

Sleep Wars -- Our young heroine, Emma, dreams for the day that she can sleep peacefully. She is guided by an elderly, old, decrepit, ancient sleep master, Lisa-Won-Ton Kenobi. Lisa-Won-Ton's teachings of the Sleep Force is cut short by her untimely death by her nemesis, Darth Ichi.

Sleep Wars: The Emma Strikes Back -- Emma continues her training to achieve mastery of the Sleep Force. She meets up with Lisa-Won-Ton's mentor, Yodrew. The peaceful Sleep Force master tries to calm her cries for sleep by his example of zen-like quiet and happiness. Emma's inability to focus on Yodrew's teachings makes her climactic face-to-face battle with Darth Ichi all the more dramatic when she realizes he could be her...father. Could her future be filled with jazz hands and Broadway musicals? GASP! And now the exciting conclusion...

It has been almost two weeks since we started our sleep training with Emma. Lisa and I decided to let her cry it out, but we would check on her every 15-20 minutes to reassure her that we are never, ever going to pick her up so her crying is fruitless. The first night she cried for over an hour. Then the next few nights she fell asleep with little fuss. Then she cried for an hour again. That was followed by a handful of good nights, followed by more crying. And last night she only cried fifteen minutes and calmed herself to slumber.

I'd have to say that this whole experience has been pretty successful. It hasn't even been two full weeks, but Emma's crying has really cut down. Honestly, it is difficult not to pick up your kid when she's crying and tears are streaming down her beet-red cheeks (literally beet-red because she was eating a can of beets). Drowning out the crying is much easier. All you have to do is shut the door, turn up the television and you're done with that problem.

But Lisa and I agreed that we had to try this cry-it-out method because our nights were slowly becoming non-stop Babyland. Here was our basic problem:

7-8pm: Andrew falls asleep, but Emma is awake.
9pm: Emma falls asleep.
9-10pm: Andrew wakes up.
11-midnight: We wake up Emma so Lisa can feed both of them at the same time.
Midnight: Scott huddles in the closet, crying himself to sleep.

As you can see, from 7pm-midnight we always had one kid awake. This is the reason why when you have twins it becomes more important to try and create a schedule. Otherwise you'll never have a moment to call your own. But we're also not extremely strict with our schedule. We know the approximate times that they usually go down, and we try to hit that time as close as possible. Sometimes it's a little early because they're more tired than usual, or sometimes it's a little later because they're still awake. Flexibility is not only important with your joints, but also in your life.

I'm sure the cry-it-out method is not for every parent. Some would rather pick up their baby and some would prefer to use an insulated trunk. And let's face it...eventually your child will sleep through the night whether it be at six months or sixth grade. The bottom line is you have to do what you're comfortable with because at the end of the day you will be responsible for the emotionally scarring you've done to your child.

Day 135 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week's poll was a tie between letting your baby cry it out and picking up the tyke to calm him down. To honor the outcome of the poll results, we will only pick up the bottom half of Emma while we allow her torso and head to toss and wail. Personally I would have loved to experiment with the whiskey and benadryl except Lisa depleted our liquor cabinet last night after the New England Patriots lost (she could've cared less who lost; she just needed an excuse to get drunk).

When Lisa and I brainstormed over what to name our kids, Emma was decided upon very early on. I think it was decided upon even before Lisa and I got together. I had little say with that name, but thankfully I liked it. We had a much more difficult time figuring out what to name our boy. Through a process of elimination we named our son Andrew. What we liked about it is that you had options on what you could call him: Andrew, Andy, Drew. My sister, Anne (pretzel maven), wanted to nickname him "Ann" but I vetoed that.

So for this week's poll, I ask what is your favorite nickname for Andrew?

Day 134 - Blanketing Bunny Blanket

My boss at work bought the kids these two baby blankets for the holidays. They're about the size of a large napkin with a little bunny head on the top. The fabric is that really soft, velvet-like material that you wish your wife's legs were made of instead of the raspy, irritating stubs of half-grown hairs rubbing against your skin...not that I would know from experience.

Several baby books say that the father and mother should sleep with the blankets for a few nights to get their parental scent on it. I'm not too sure why the kids would want the blankets to smell like tobacco and wine coolers, but Lisa and I gave it a shot. After a few nights, we handed them off to the kids and hoped for the best.

It seems as if the kids enjoy the blankets as much as a four month year old baby could. In the mornings, they are usually holding the bunny blankets around their bodies. Andrew typically has the blanket around his arm close to his tummy and face. Look at this picture:


I mean that's the generic way a baby or kid would hold a blanket, right? But our unique, adorable Emma holds her blanket like no other baby I know. Take a look at this picture:

No, we didn't try to smother her because of her incessant crying (we're smart enough to know to use a microfiber pillow). This is the way Emma has started to use her blanket: to cover her face. We found her twice like this so far, and in a way we're not too surprised she does this. When we would cradle Emma to sleep, she would always bury her face into our arms or shoulder. And I guess since we don't do that anymore, the next closest thing to it is the bunny blanket over her head.

Although the blanket is very light and airy and is too small to wrap around Emma's giant noggin', we may take the blanket away until she learns to control her body a little more. Safety first, right? So all concerned family members....please do not worry. YOU HEAR THAT GRANDMA ICHIKAWA? DO NOT WORRY! DO NOT CALL! CONTINUE TO WATCH THE POST SUPER BOWL AIRING OF HOUSE!

And with that I shall check on Emma because she has been crying for the past fifteen minutes. Oh wait she stopped! Hmm. Better make sure Andrew didn't put his bunny blanket over her head.

Day 133 - Disaster Day

Last night, I went to see the movie "Cloverfield" with my lover...I mean...friend, Paul. The movie was entertaining enough for the disaster/monster genre. I did miss seeing little Japanese people running away from the creature, so I put down my popcorn and Paul's hand and ran up and down the aisle screaming "Not Godzilla, but rook rike Godzilla!"

I knew about the handheld camera gimmick that runs through the movie and even read the articles detailing audience members getting motion sickness. I have never got sick at the movies -- not even at the IMAX 3d presentation of "The Blair Witch Project." But I honestly got a headache watching "Cloverfield." Perhaps it was eating a little too much popcorn, but towards the end of the 85 minute movie I had to close my eyes several times to give my mind a rest. And as if 85 minutes of jerky camera work isn't enough, you also had to deal with strobe lights and intense sound.

Speaking of strobe lights and intense sound, Lisa had to contend with her own disaster at home: the fire alarm went off. I left home at 9:30pm for the 10:05pm showing of "Cloverfield." When I left, both kids were fast asleep and Lisa rested on the sofa watching television. But just as my disaster movie started in the theater, Lisa's disaster also began.

A little after 10pm, a piercing noise rang through our complex. The fire alarm sounded off. It's not one of those polite buzzes asking you to evacuate calmly; it is a wailing cry signaling the end of mankind. Lisa looked up and down the condo hallway and saw various people in various state of dress leaving their condos. There was no way Lisa would be able to leave the top floor of the complex with our double stroller if the elevators were not working, so she grabbed the diaper bag and the car seats.

When she went to check on the kids, Emma was of course crying. But since Emma's cry is so similar to the wail of the fire alarm, Andrew was fast asleep. Lisa strapped them into their car seats, slung the diaper bag around her shoulder, and left our abode.

Walking down the hallway, someone told Lisa that there wasn't a fire. What happened was that there was a party in the recreation room and someone accidentally triggered the sprinkler. But Lisa said the alarm was so loud, she would rather just hang out in the lobby until the fire department came to deactivate the system.

Thankfully, the elevators were still operating. She took the elevator down and began her long walk to the lobby. For those of you not familiar to our complex, it's relatively large. As you get buzzed through the front doors, you enter a lobby that is the first building of the complex. But to get to our building, you must exit the lobby, go down some stairs, pass the pool, pass the bbq area, pass the rec room, go up some stairs, walk another 50-75 yards, pass a Forever 21, pass the Food Court, and then enter another building to take the elevator to the top floor where we are at.

So imagine poor little Lisa lugging the diaper bag with 20 pounds in one hand (Andrew in a car seat) and 75 pounds in the other (Emma in a car seat) trying to make it to the lobby. She assumed one person passing by would volunteer to help her, but none did. As typical of my lovely wife, she politely sounded off to the crowd, "WILL SOMEONE HELP ME?!?!" And of course a frightened young man afraid of Lisa's potential wrath helped carry Emma to the lobby.

Upon reaching the lobby, the young man put Emma down stating, "Wow...she's a heifer." After 15 minutes, the fire department arrived and deactivated the alarm. Lisa readied herself to trek back up to our condo, but this time someone volunteered to help Lisa carry the kids to the elevator without Lisa having to resort to the tried and true "WILL SOMEONE HELP ME?!?!"

I returned home from the movie around 11:45pm. At first glance, everything looked exactly the way I left it: the kids were asleep, it was quiet, and Lisa was on the sofa watching television. Upon closer examination, there was one tell tale sign that something was wrong: Lisa's evil, darting eyes. And if I initially thought my disaster for the day was "Cloverfield", boy was I wrong. That Cloverfield monster was probably never married.

Day 132 - Picture Friday

Emma stares at Andrew as she imagines ways to put an end to his eternal perkiness.

After playing Rock, Paper, Scissor, Andrew claims victory over the quilt as Emma is dragged off by a mule to the gallows.

When Andrew needs a mid-afternoon snack, he just sucks Emma's hand searching for leftover food. On this particular day, he found a piece of brisket.

Hapi coats, hapi endings.

If you smile, you'll never again have to wear those baby track suits that Cousin Jamie bought you.


Have a great weekend!