Day 1055 - Tickle Me Lame-O

I came up with a new game for the kids. It's called Hug, Kiss, or Tickle. It's also a pick-up line I used when I was in college which was rather unsuccessful.

The game goes a little like this. As I cradle one of the kids, I ask them what they want: a hug, kiss, or tickle. Obviously, they pick hugs and kisses first. And then at the end, I give them a big tickle. I guess it's not so much a game as much as helpless physical torture, but the kids still have fun with it.

Today, I was playing Hug, Kiss, or Tickle with Andrew. I grabbed him in my arms and asked him what he wanted.

"Hug," said Andrew. I gave him a big hug.

"Now what do you want? A kiss or a tickle?" I asked Andrew.

"Kiss," said Andrew. I gave him a big kiss.

"Hmm," I knowingly said. "If I gave you a hug and a kiss, what is left for me to do?"

Andrew squiggled out of my arms, took a few steps back and said, "Daddy! Game all done! Go away! All done!"

As he walked away in a huff, Andrew's reaction reminded me of Lisa when I first used my pick-up line on her.

Day 1054 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week...err...last month, I asked if we should give up on naps now that the kids are sleeping in beds and getting out all of the time. Sixty-seven percent of ye with little faith believed we should bid a fond farewell to naps. But forty-two percent of you are believers and think after a few weeks the kids will get back on their nap schedule.

Now that a full month has passed, I can tell you that it has been hit and miss with the kids' nap time. But the past month has also been unusual because we were in the midst of moving, and for the past week and a half we have been up in Northern California.

Strangely, the kids have been napping better while on vacation versus at home. Could it be that the kids enjoy the comfort of being surround by loved ones? Or could it be that the kids would rather be in their beds than out in the living room surrounded by uneasy family tension?

Although I know the kids are nearing the age at which they will no longer need naps, Lisa and I still believe they need a little afternoon rest. There is such a drastic change in their evening behavior when they take a nap versus not taking a nap. Even if their afternoon nap is just them talking and laughing for an hour, I'll gladly take that instead of them fighting over toys and attention for an hour.

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As I mentioned the other day in my Crazy Grandma entry, she is insistent that we teach Andrew how to pee standing up. I don't know why she thinks he will never know how to pee like a guy if we initially teach him how to pee sitting down. Personally, I think I could use Crazy Grandma's logic and tell her we fear that once Andrew learns how to pee standing up, he will think he needs to poop standing up too...which I will honestly admit to doing a few times in a drunken stupor. And by drunken stupor, I mean prison. And by prison, I mean Lisa's shoes.

Once we return to Los Angeles and settle back into our new house, the plan is to refocus on potty training. So do I continue to train Andrew to pee in his potty chair or do I regroup and teach him how to pee standing up? And if you agree with the latter, the next question I would ask is how large of a moat should be dig around the toilets?

Day 1053 - Life Is a Highway

Andrew loves Cars. He loves Lightning McQueen, Mater, Sally, Chick Hicks, Doc Hudson, Luigi, Guido, Philmore, Sheriff, Mack, Red, Accord, F150, Pinto, and Cutlass Supreme. Every night, the kids get to watch one video on YouTube after their bath. And practically every night, Andrew asks for either a Cars video or the censored version of Two Girls & One Cup.

The new obsession in Andrew's life is the Rascal Flatt's song "Life Is a Highway." This song is in the movie Cars, and people have uploaded videos to YouTube in which they edit scenes from the movie to the song. And stupidly, I bought the song on iTunes so we always have to listen to the song in the car.

The only positive outcome from this Rascal Flatt's song is that Andrew has shown his talent as a spastic dancer. I hooked up our ipod to Lazy Grandpa's radio with an ipod-dock (Yes, Lazy Grandpa is a geek in his old age.), and as I played "Life Is a Highway", Andrew started to break it down like a epileptic street dancer.

Here's a video of Andrew and Emma dancing:



I began to wonder where Andrew gets his gift for dance. Lisa enjoys dancing, but she's actually good. I have danced on stage, but all I can really do is a soft shoe and a sashay. But in the corner of my eye, it all became clear to me. Take a look at this next video!





That's right! Andrew inherited all of his dancing skills from Crazy Grandma. I say Crazy Grandma and Andrew team up for either So You Think You Can Dance or Randy Jackson's America's Best Dance Crew.

As I edited these videos together, I was hit with another revelation about Andrew's dancing. It didn't really hit me until I focused on the way Andrew uses his legs. Take a look at this last video clip and tell me if you don't agree with my pop culture connection.

Day 1052 - Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime

After a 24 month stay on Shutter Island, our favorite psychotic grandma has been released just in time for another riveting edition of...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!

Potty training is a big deal for Crazy Grandma. She's a little irritated that we haven't potty trained our kids yet. Our kids will be three in a month, and Crazy Grandma insists that we start moving on the movements. Crazy Grandma tells me that she had me potty trained by the time I was two years old, but each time I hear the story I get younger and younger. I have a feeling the next time I hear the story she will tell me that I was potty trained as a fetus and used the edge of her uterus as a potty seat.

The new lecture from Crazy Grandma is that we should teach Andrew how to pee standing up instead of sitting down. For some reason she is concerned that Andrew will never learn to pee standing up. It's almost as if the repeated action of peeing sitting down will shrivel his penis into a vagina.

We got into another debate with Crazy Grandma about this topic.

"You need to teeech An-doo how to pee standing up!" demanded Crazy Grandma.

I tried to reason with my mom by saying, "Ugh! Ah! Grrr!"

"It very important to teeech An-doo how to pee da right way. He no girl!" said Crazy Grandma with astuteness.

Once again, I tried to reassure my mom that we will teach him how to pee standing up as soon as he shows more interest and consistency with his potty training. But as usual, that was not good enough.

"Fine den," said Crazy Grandma. "I will show An-doo how to pee standing up!"

And without going into any more detail that would cause the young and impressionable to vomit, Crazy Grandma showed Andrew how to pee standing up.

...excuse me while I vomit...

Day 1051 - Picture Friday: Santa Clara Edition

Just like his daddy, Andrew gets a severe allergic reaction around aprons.

Squinty eye. Holding a camera. Yes, this confirms Emma's suspicion that Hello Kitty is Japanese.

"Yes. I do believe this will hurt Emma."

Emma loves pasta so much I didn't have the heart to tell her she was eating her shoelace.

Have a great weekend!

Latest Updates

Just posted another update:

Day 1048 - What the Fork?!?

I also noticed that our new neighbors posted this sign in front of their front door:

Day 1048 - What the Fork?!?

Andrew has picked up an annoying habit during his meals: he bends his plastic utensils. Although I am extremely proud that my son has amassed enough strength in his toddler arms and hands to buckle BPA free forks and spoons, it has made meal time much more difficult.

We tried giving Andrew metal utensils, but he just ended up chiseling the dining room table with a pseudo-pointilism attempt at Sunday in the Park with George. So until Andrew understands his metal forks are not to be used for wood shop, plastic utensils will continue to be used in the Ichikawa house.

All of these bent forks, spoons, knives, and spatulas has also taken a toll on Andrew. He is slowly realizing that he is unable to eat his food when he bends his utensils. Here is a video showing Andrew's growing frustration with his bent fork.

Day 1047 - No Internet!!!

Sorry, but as I tried to catch up with the blog, we took our yearly trip to Northern California where my in-laws do not have any internet access. Even worse, their neighbors know how to put a firewall up so I can't access their wifi for free! Drats!

So as I type this up at a Peet's Coffee and bumming off of their wifi connection, I will be in Sacramento in the next day or two where my equally geeky dad has wifi. Hopefully by the end of the week, I'll have a bunch of posts up about the kids. Until then...keep caffeinated!

Day 1044 - Picture Friday

"The green one? The purple one? Choices, choices, choices!"

All who pass through this castle at the Disney Store must pay their monthly credit card minimum lest they get slapped with outrageous interest.

Andrew proudly displays the testicle he ripped off of a kodomo dragon.

Emma realizes her plate of steamed chicken and vegetables compares poorly to Daddy's plate of oil, salt, and fat.

Have a great weekend!

Day 1043 - Intruder Alert!

One of the most relaxing parts of the day for me is when I'm able to sit my ass on the crapper and read the newspaper. Lisa always rolls her eyes in disgust when I take my sweet time on the toilet, but I tell her I use the time wisely by not only educating myself with world events, but also grooming my knee hairs at the same time.

I think with the kids, I value my time in the bathroom even more. It's like a little vacation. A stinky vacation, but a vacation nonetheless.

Today, I told Lisa I was going on my little getaway while she was getting the kids out of the bath. I went into the master bathroom, pulled down my lederhosen, and gave my ass a little encouragement.

As I chuckled at the crazy antics of Cathy, I heard a distinctive scream coming from the living room.

"DADA!" screamed Andrew.

Hmm. He must have escaped from his bedroom. No matter. He'll be fine.

Soon I heard Andrew trying to open the master bedroom door. Our master bedroom door is more difficult for the kids to open because they are handles instead of knobs. That is why I wasn't concerned that Andrew would...

Crap. I think he opened the door. Crap. I need to do more crap.

"Dada? Dada?" whined Andrew as he walked through our bedroom.

I began to get flustered and nervous about Andrew wandering in our bedroom while I was not finished feeding the toilet. I figured the best thing to do was to tell Andrew to go back to Lisa.

"Andrew," I called. "Please go see, Mommy!"

"DADA!" said Andrew with delight. Moments later I heard Andrew at the bathroom door.

"Please," I pleaded. "Please go back to Mommy!"

"Dada, what you doing? Dada, open door!" Andrew demanded.

I really got anxious about this whole ordeal. I still had to empty my tank, Andrew was wandering around our bedroom, and now he wanted to come into the bathroom to see me in a delicate, yet odorous situation.

But I didn't have to decide what my next move was going to be because Andrew decided it for me: he entered the bathroom.

"Daddy!" he smiled. And as he saw me sitting on the toilet, he took a whiff on the room and said, "Daddy stinky!"

Great. Now I not only feel vulnerable, but utterly embarrassed by a two year old.

I tried to push Andrew out of the bathroom, but he was incredibly curious about seeing his dad on the toilet. I almost got him out, but Andrew caught in the corner of his eye our scale.

"What dat?" he asked as he began to jump on it.

You have to visualize -- if you're brave enough -- that the scale is between the toilet and the edge of the bathtub; there is very little room. So Andrew is rubbing against my pants, underwear, leg, and ass cheek because he is running and jumping all over our bathroom scale.

I finally had to resort to something drastic. I shouted, "Andrew! Mommy's on fire!"

Sadly, Andrew did not have a concept of fire or how dangerous it would be for a person to be on a fire. So I changed tactics and said, "Andrew! Mommy has a cookie for you!"

Thankfully, Andrew ran away looking for a nonexistent cookie from Lisa. I can't tell you how relieved I was that I finally had privacy again. You'd think after almost three years, I would have given up on any semblance of "me time", but you honestly have to find moments throughout the day to regroup and reenergize. I guess if I have to give up my fifteen minutes of newspaper reading while pooping, I will just have to draw a line and tell Lisa there is no way I'm going to give up my five minutes of Kindle reading while peeing.

Still Unpacking!

We moved into our new place, and I am obsessed with getting all of our boxes unpacked. I'm really trying to get caught up with the blog, but I am obviously very, very, very far behind! Now that I have had four days to get organized, I will hopefully start updating the blog tomorrow...unless I find another stack of non-essential labeled boxes that Lisa packed (What's up with labeling boxes "non-essential"? To me that means Goodwill, crap, or holiday gifts to co-workers or Auntie Anne (pretzel maven).).

Day 1041 - Emma's Little Mermaid

Emma has recently found interest in the Disney Princesses -- no doubt encouraged by Daddy's interest in gowns and high heel shoes. We have a Little Mermaid plate that Emma uses for her meals. This one particular day, Lisa gave Emma a bunch of halved grapes (Please don't ask Lisa about her obsession about halved grapes unless you want to hear a lecture on the increased likelihood of choking...), and please take a look to see what Emma did with them.

Day 1039 - WE MOVED...

...and that's why there has been a lack of blog updates!

For the past two weeks, I went to our new home for an hour in the morning and about 1-2 hours after dinner. But as of yesterday, we moved into our new place after a nine hour move. Needless to say, we are exhausted. Also needless to say, we are parents of twins so we are always exhausted.

I hope to post a few updates from the past week or two; when something interesting or embarrassing or interbarrassing happened, I took a note of it for the blog.

Give me another day or two to recoup, and I'm sure I'll be fresh and spanking new...by October.

Day 1037 - Picture Friday

"$4.99 for Magic Capsules and all we get are a bunch of crappy sponge animals?"

"Really? Paper hats during breakfast? Really now?!?"

Nothing makes a young child smile more than having the decapitated head of a Spanish speaking girl on the bridge of your plastic sunglasses.

"Oh crap! I'm a lousy driver! I forgot I'm Asian!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1030 - Picture Friday

Don't let the smile fool you. This fella is packing heat...and by heat I mean a steaming pile of poop.

Here is the aftermath of Lisa mistakenly putting a little rum in Emma's milk cup.

As you can tell, Lisa's boring idea of dry cereal for breakfast puts Andrew to sleep.

"How interesting...my s&*t does smell!"

Have a great weekend!

Day 1029 - Conversations with Andrew

Lisa took the kids shopping and entered an elevator. She pushed the 4th floor button, and this conversation happened between her and Andrew.

"Down! Down!" shouted Andrew with gusto.

"No, we're going up," corrected Lisa.

"Down!" demanded Andrew.

"Nope! It's up," said Lisa.

"We go down!" yelled Andrew.

Lisa gave up. "Well, we're not going down. Sorry, Charlie."

"Hey," said Andrew. "I'm not Charlie!"

Day 1027 - Target Marks the Spot

It has come to a point in my life where a trip to Target by myself is a treat. I enter the red front doors to a waft of freshly popped popcorn and a chilly draft of cherry Icee. I nod to the slightly inebriated security guard, grab a shopping cart, and merrily stroll down the aisle to discover what treasures await for me at the $1 bins.

I had to do a really quick trip to buy something for the Lisa and the kids. I grabbed the items and waited in the express check-out line that is often slowed down by an elderly person searching for coupons and being confused by the credit card swiper.

As I looked at the two items in my hands, I realized that they clearly identified me as a father and a husband: a box of overnight diapers and a box of tampons. Either that or I have a very unusual way of entertaining myself on a Saturday night.

There was a time when I might've been embarrassed to be found in public with tampons and diapers, but that time has passed. Especially after the incident in which I was found in public with a maxipad jacket and pool floaties made out of colostomy bags.

I began to think that in this age of infidelity and whorefulness (Wow! I made up a new word! That's awesometistic!), we need a new way to identify those cheaters and whores. A wedding ring is way too small and easy to hide, so I propose that all husbands and fathers now wear clothes made out of diapers and feminine hygiene products.

Imagine the possibilities. A maxipad parka. Diaper suits. Tampon ascots. Can you name anything else that is fashionable and can save a marriage at the same time?

I know this all may sound ridiculous, but I really believe in being a father and a husband. It's serious business and takes a lot of work to be good at both. I know I'm still a work-in-progress and probably will be for a very long time. So in the meantime, I'll do my best to be diligent and persevere towards being the best dad and husband I can be...by designing the male tampon thong. It's genius!

Day 1025 - Conversations with Emma

Lisa had this peculiar conversation with Emma before dinner.

"I'm hungry," said Emma.

"What do you want to eat?" asked Lisa.

"Poo-poo!" giggled Emma.

"That's yucky," explained Lisa. "You don't want to eat that!"

"But I might like it," reasoned Emma.

And to cut to the chase, she didn't like it.