Whom did Charlie Sheen learn about tiger blood, trolls, and warlocks from? Why, the only person crazier than he is...Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Storytime!
Emma was a little under the weather again because she inhaled snot from an ailing classmate. Or at least that's what I assumed. Emma gets particularly dramatic when she gets sick. There's a lot of crying, whining, and moaning.
Unfortunately for Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa, they decided to come for a visit the same time Emma was a little sick. It was nothing but a little cold she probably caught from inhaling some ailing classmate's snot. But each time Emma gets sick, she get particularly dramatic. There's a lot of crying, whining, and moaning. Incidentally, there's also a lot of crying, whining, and moaning from me when Crazy Grandma comes for a visit.
Before I went to work, Emma complained of a headache. So I told her if she came into the kitchen, I would give her a little medicine. I tried to keep it on the down low because Andrew is at a very competitive stage with Emma. Anything Emma gets, Andrew wants. It has gotten so bad, you don't want to know what Andrew wanted when Emma was diagnosed with a urinary tract infection.
Of course, Andrew saw me giving Emma some medicine, and he began to cry immediately. Crazy Grandma pounced into the room to see why her little boy was crying. I explained the whole situation, and she tried to calm Andrew down with hugs, kisses, and Purell (She claims his hands were dirty...).
A trick that worked in the past was that I would give the healthy kid some apple juice in a spoon. I would explain to them that I can't give them medicine, but a little juice in a spoon would keep them healthy. But when I tried this with Andrew, he mustered all the energy he could and shouted "CHARLATAN" in my face.
I decided to let Andrew cry it out on the floor, but of course Crazy Grandma intervened. After Swiffer-ing the floor around him, she put him on her lap and told him, "An-doo! An-doo! Ret me give you some apple jews." All I could think was that I hoped the apples were kosher because Andrew is a practicing Orthodox.
I tried to tell Crazy Grandma to leave Andrew alone, but she insisted on giving Andrew the apple juice. It was quite a struggle for her because Andrew was bawling his head off, and it was hard to keep him still.
"An-doo," she said. "Grandma want to give you some jews. Don't you rike jews? Say ahhh!"
After some maneuvering, she was able to get the spoon into his mouth. But what happened next was unexpected. Probably between the full cup of milk Andrew just drank, the crying, and a spoon being shoved into his mouth, Andrew puked all over the floor and Crazy Grandma.
"Scotty!" Crazy Grandma screamed. "Andrew spit out dah jews all ovah dah floor!"
After wiping up the mess, it was quite a chaotic morning. But if there was any good news to share with you, it would be that Dreamworks and Steven Spielberg contacted me, and they want me to write a spec script based on this incident called Schnindler's Spit. Wish me luck!
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