Day 935 - Is That a Banana in Your Pocket?

It was the middle of the night when the baby monitor turned on to the whines and cries of Andrew. I did what any good father would do: I turned over and told Lisa she should check on our son.

The sounds coming through the baby monitor made me sad. It made me sad that Andrew was keeping me awake. At this point I would barely hit my eight hours of sleep. So I turned off the monitor, threw a pillow over my head, and wished for sweet slumber for myself.

I thought I heard Lisa coming back into the bedroom, but instead she turned on the kitchen light. There was some clattering and preparation going on, and then there was quiet again. It was too short a time for her to burn anything, so my curiosity began to peak.

When she returned to bed, I asked her what she was doing in the kitchen. She told me when she went to calm Andrew down, Andrew asked for a banana. So Lisa went into the kitchen, sliced a piece of banana, and gave it to Andrew. Soon after that, he fell asleep.

At first, I didn't think much of it. But then I began to think that this had better not become some sort of weird middle of the night ritual. This ain't no 24/7 Denny's that we're running here. If Andrew asks for a serving of Moon Over My Hammies, I'm really going to draw the line in the sand.

I'm all for comforting your child, but I firmly believe in not blindly following your child's every request. I think our kids are old enough to understand that if they ask for things in the middle of the night, this will result in three things: 1) It keeps them from going back to sleep. 2) It keeps us around them longer. 3) They will be able to spend more quality time with Mommy because there's no way in hell Daddy's going to get out of bed at 3am.

It has been a few nights since this incident, and so far there has been no early morning room service calls. Hopefully this was a one time only deal, and we'll never have to serve phallic fruit to Andrew in bed. Truly, my only concern was that this was not going to foster any bad habits. Or shall I say...a banana foster. Oh, Scott. How you slay me with your awful puns!

Day 934 - Picture Friday

Don't miss Andrew as McMurphy and Emma as Nurse Ratchet in the Montessori School presentation of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Emma's obscure impersonations #47: Walter Matthau.

Andrew can't decide whether he is recreating rush hour on the 101 or the 405.

Don't let that coy, innocent face fool you. Underneath that robe is a steaming pile of dung.

Andrew does an reenactment of his dad at every high school dance.

Have a great weekend!

Day 933 - Conversation with Emma

Emma has reached a phase where she is always wondering what Lisa and I are doing. If Emma asks Lisa why she's walking into the kitchen, Lisa will answer, "To cook your dinner." If Emma asks me why I'm walking into the kitchen, I will answer, "To extinguish your dinner."

One day, when the kids were busily keeping themselves occupied with their multitude of toys, Lisa decided it was a good time to take a pee. But instead of doing it in her pants, Lisa figured she'd better go to the bathroom.

As Lisa opened the bathroom door, Emma asked, "What you doing, Mommy?"

"I'm going to go to the bathroom," answered Lisa.

"You go by yourself?" questioned Emma with serious concern.

"Yes, Emma," said Lisa. "I'm going to go to the bathroom by myself."

And then with a sigh, Emma said, "Good job, Mommy."

Day 932 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 931 - Little Big Mouths

Crazy Grandma and Lazy Grandpa were babysitting the kids one night while Lisa and I were out partying it up (i.e. dinner at Carl's Jr and sleeping in the SUV for 30 minutes). When we returned home, Crazy Grandma got mad at me. Of course it's totally normal for Crazy Grandma to be mad at me for any number of reasons: posting unflattering pictures of her on the blog, mocking her Japanese accent, sending her to Arizona without any identification. But she got mad at me because the kids ratted me out!

You see, we took the kids to Souplantation for lunch, and for dessert I filled up these tiny ice cream cones with a little frozen yogurt. I gave the kids one each, and before you could say, "Kirstie Alley at a Hickory Farms," they ate it up.

I don't know when or how Crazy Grandma got it out of the kids, but they started telling her that they ate ice cream today. More specifically, Daddy gave them ice cream. Supposedly, Andrew kept on shouting at Crazy Grandma, "I TASTE IT! I TASTE IT!"

Crazy Grandma was none to pleased that I gave them a little frozen yogurt. She lectured me about how important it is to feed the kids fresh and organic foods. She continued telling me everything she knew about artificial flavoring, packaged foods, and saturated fats. And this comes from a woman who had a crystal meth problem for eighteen years...

This incident awakened me to the fact that Emma and Andrew have entered a new phase. A phase I shall call Big Mouth Blabbing, also known around the house as the Lisa Ichikawa Syndrome. Lisa has a tendency to blab her mouth off with information that shouldn't be in the public domain. This has gotten her in trouble more than once with friends, work, and the North Korean government. Alas, the kids have begun doing this.

Thankfully for me, the kids don't have the vocabulary and ability to say everything they want to say. But I'm going to have to start watching what I say and do around them a lot more. I'm this walking disaster of sarcasm and off-color humor. This has never been a problem with me since I'm antisocial and have no friends; who would I insult?

With this ice cream incident behind me, I'm bracing myself for more Big Mouth Blabbing in the future. I'm just very glad the Emma and Andrew do not have the following words in their vocabulary yet: whiskey, prostitutes, and midget wrestlers. That's one story Crazy Grandma does not have to hear...

Day 930 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked whether or not you thought Disneyland was too expensive. Seventy-eight percent believed Disneyland is indeed too expensive. Then again, those same people who thought Disneyland was too expensive are also stockholders of Goldman Sachs, AOL, and Blockbuster. Tough few years, eh?

I do agree Disneyland is expensive. I remember when I was a child, Disneyland probably wasn't much more than twenty dollars to get in. Then again, back then Disneyland only had two attractions: Storybook Land Canal Boats and Great Moment with Mr. Lincoln. And this was so long ago, the show was performed by the actual President Lincoln.

But despite the cost, I will also agree that you get a lot of priceless moments of wonder and awe from your kids. Just seeing their reaction the first time they ride Peter Pan or watching fireworks or falling on the concrete or refusing to get in the stroller or crying bloody murder in the Haunted Mansion...wait a second. I want my money back, dammit!

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Emma has a new fear: flies. I don't know when or how it happened, but if she sees a fly buzzing outside she freaks out. I tried to explain to her that flies are actually harmless by having her watch the David Cronenberg movie The Fly. I figured by watching the movie, she would understand that there are much scarier and worse flies to be worried about. Surprisingly, the movie just reinforced her fear.

What do you do when your toddler has a fear of something? Crazy Grandma and Lisa have been trying to calm her down by closing the window blinds if Emma sees a fly outside. But does this encourage Emma to continue her fear of flies? Of should we do something Fear Factor-style and dump a bucket full of flies on Emma's face when she's sleeping? What would you do?

Day 929 - Conversations with Andrew

It was almost time to put the kids to sleep, and I was carrying Andrew in my arms. Lisa was on the other side of the room vacuuming, dusting, and fixing drywall, so I really didn't want to bother her too much. But to make simple conversation with Andrew, I pointed towards Lisa and asked him, "Who is that over there?"

"Daddy," Andrew answered.

Certainly, Lisa has some manly attributes (e.g. hairy legs, facial hair, penis), but she is definitely not as rugged and masculine as me.

I asked Andrew again, "Who is that?"

Once again, Andrew answered, "Daddy!"

I took a step forward towards Lisa and asked one final time, "Andrew. Who is that?"

With a big smile, Andrew said, "Daddy!!!"

I turned Andrew's face towards me and explained to him, "Andrew. That's mommy, and I'm daddy!"

Andrew looked simply at me and said matter of factly, "It just joke. It just joke."