Day 468 - Cartoon Wednesday

Day 467 - MIrror, Mirror

When we were up in Sacramento over the holidays, my parents have a full-length mirror in a hallway. I don't think it's an actual full-length mirror because it's not that tall, but we're Asian and short and it's good enough for us.

For some reason, the kids were really entertained by the mirror. Perhaps it was because they were sick, feverish, and slightly delirious from lack of food and sleep, but anything to keep them quiet for a few minutes was fine by us.

Emma and Andrew would run to the hallway and just look at themselves in the mirror and laugh; unlike Daddy who usually looks in a mirror and cries. I noticed that Emma would put her head against the mirror to the point where it looked like she was kissing herself. And by jove...she WAS kissing herself! Even though I thought this was a little odd, I reminded myself that this is a lot better than Andrew sticking a gigantic brown pole into his mouth.

For the rest of the stay in Sacramento, practically every time Emma looked in the mirror, she would kiss her reflection. Did this mean she loves herself? Did this mean she finds herself very attractive? Did this mean she voted no on Proposition 8 and wants to take up golf?

I really am curious as to why Emma would continually kiss her reflection in the mirror. I believe at this age Emma recognizes herself in the mirror and knows who she is. My personal opinion is that this behavior is probably a healthy sign that shows that Emma is happy and likes herself. Unlike the diagnosis my therapist gave me when I told him as a lonely teenager I would dress up like a woman and kiss myself in the mirror.

Day 466 - Poll Results & New Poll

Last week, I asked what was your favorite feature of the blog. To the dismay of Crazy Grandma Ichikawa, Crazy Grandma Ichikawa stories eked out the win with thirty-three percent of the votes. Followed close behind were Cartoon Wednesday and Picture Friday. I am pretty sure my mom is not thrilled to have been chosen as the favorite part of the blog. I am even more sure she's not going to like me sharing this bit of conversation we had over the holidays:

CRAZY GRANDMA ICHIKAWA
How do you play dis card game?

SCOTT
You need to have your cards add up as close to 31 as possible.

CRAZY GRANDMA ICHIKAWA
Any card?

SCOTT
No. They all have to be the same suit.

CRAZY GRANDMA ICHIKAWA
Ok same suit. But do dey have to be same color?

**********

When the kids had their one year check up last September, our doctor told us to do two things: try to wean them off their pacifiers and bottles. Four months have passed and we have been very successful...in not doing either of them.

I don't think our kids are too dependent on their pacifier. The only time of the day when they're allowed to use them is when they're in their cribs. And as for the bottles, they only drink milk from their bottles. If they drink water or juice, they either use a sippy cup or a red plastic cup after a game of beer pong.

Our next doctor's appointment is at the end of January. Do you think we need to be more diligent with the weaning of the bottles and the pacifier? Or is this something we shouldn't be worried about and just let time take its course?

Day 465 - Toy Story

I don't know how many of you recall my story of this farmer puzzle piece that had a wooden knob where his fleshy knob should be, and how Andrew took a liking to the knob in his mouth. If you don't remember, don't worry about it. You're better off than me -- ever since that story, every time I see a knob, I see a penis. Imagine my trepidation at opening doors...

For Christmas, Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) bought the kids this tower of jungle animals. Much like the way Grandma Ichinaga impaled little kids on her Christmas tree, you take these animals and impale them on a palm tree. Each animal makes a cute little sound. The lion rattles. The elephant ears crinkle. The monkey jingles. You know, just like real life.

Here's a picture of the toy:


Cute enough, right? The kids enjoy playing with it too. Emma likes to take the animals and shake them around; Andrew likes to take the animals and throw them to the ground and then step on them and punctuate the entire scenario with a bone-chilling laugh. If it's never too early to think about preschool enrollment, I assume the same goes for therapy?

Now I want to preface that I don't go around looking at things in a perverted way. But take one look at this palm tree without the animals and tell me you don't see what I see:


It's an erect penis! More specifically, I think it might very well be the Jolly Green Giant's ding dong ("Ho ho ho! Giant penis!"). I don't want you to think that I try to figure out which toys resemble genitalia (...although one of Emma's toy purses looks suspiciously like a vah-jay-jay...), but when you see your kids playing with certain toys in a certain way, you can't help but get a little disturbed.

Andrew is still in the phase where he loves to put everything in his mouth. This includes the aforementioned Jolly Green Giant wee-wee. One of the first times when Andrew was playing with this toy, he started to bite the pole all over the place. Lisa, Auntie Anne (pretzel maven), and myself were laughing at him. But this oral fixation on this new toy started to disturb me by the things I inadvertently was saying to Andrew. Things like...

"Andrew, stick it through the hole!"

...or when he was trying to stack an animal unsuccessfully...

"Andrew, you need to make it stiffer!"

Horrifying, I say! Only after the words come out of your mouth do you realize what you've said. At first you're embarrassed. But then you remember your kids don't even understand what you just said. So you try to forget it. But you can't. You get embarrassed again. Then you try to explain yourself, "In no way was I referring to your toy as a gigantic penis." And then you ultimately feel like a dumbass.

I think the best thing for me is to not get embarrassed by these incidents and just laugh. Honestly, the reason why it's so funny is because the kids are so innocent and naive. Once you get past a certain age, all of it changes. And believe me, I know. I was once arrested in Santa Monica for lewd conduct for eating a large pickle. Long story short, I have sensitive teeth.

Day 464 - My Phone, iPhone

Yesterday we returned to Los Angeles despite Emma's lingering cold. The worst part of the 6 hour drive was Emma throwing up in the car. We had to pull over in the rain, and I had to drag everything out of the trunk to grab a new shirt for Emma. At least that was more enjoyable than the lingering sour milk smell we had for the rest of the trip. It was especially pungent when we drove past the cow fields and the mixture of old pewk and cow poop caused our noses to tingle and our mouths to water.

Since we're all still recovering from the trip (and colds) and trying to clean up the place, I'll just share with you a quick little iPhone story. Auntie Anne (pretzel maven) has an iPhone. While at Great-Grandma Ichikawa's house for New Year's, Anne let Andrew play with it. Bad iDea.

Andrew must share my interest with electronic gadgets because he did not want to give the iPhone back to Anne. Just look at this series of pictures:

"Wowzers, Auntie Anne. This is the neatest gadget ever! You're the best!"

"What the hell are you doing? Get your manhands off the iPhone!"

"Gadget rape! I'm only 15 months old! What are you doooooooing, old woman?"

"How did you find me hiding behind the sofa? My tiny stature and your gigantic head should've made it impossible to find me!"

"Remember how I said earlier that you're the best? Well I forgot a word at the end: butthole ."

Day 463 - Picture Friday

"Phew! Will you stop eating prunes, Andrew!"

"Tell me where Santa lives or I'll crush you, Frosty!"

"What the f*&%! You're not Emma!"

Why is it that Andrew can wear a pink bandana, drink from a bottle, and be considered cute, but when Daddy does it at work it becomes a H.R. issue?

"Happy Hanukkah!"

Don't worry. Emma also has a shirt that says "I Hate Dad."


Have a great weekend!

Day 462 - Family Resolutions

Emma, Andrew, Lisa, and I made our own individual list of resolutions for this new year. Here they are:

EMMA'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Learn to say simple words like "hug", "book", and "meatloaf."
2. Increase my sign language vocabulary beyond giving the bird.
3. Punch Andrew.

ANDREW'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Discover the magic of styling gel and mousse.
2. Change to decaf.
3. Punch Emma harder.

LISA'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Stop calling Scott a dumbass.
2. Stop calling Scott a super dumbass.
3. Stop calling Scott a gigantic dumbass.

SCOTT'S RESOLUTIONS
1. Be less mean to Crazy Grandma Ichikawa.
2. Write more.
3. Finish my book "Crazy Grandma Ichikawa Soils Her Pants."

Happy New Year!!!